"I'm guessing they didn't give you the whole thing, so I'm asking," Buffy whispered, looking down at her tightly folded hands and subsequently missing the shocked and tortured expression that he couldn't mask as he barked sharply, voice angrier than she had heard it since he was Angelus,

"Did he?"

"Did he what?" she asked in confusion, still unable to look up at him. "Oh. You mean did he stop," she said dully and slightly awkwardly before deciding, once again, to try to turn it into a joke as she scoffed, "Like he could have taken me if it came to that?"

She instantly regretted the words, however, as Angel was unable to mask his fury, jumping up and muttering something under his breath that sounded remarkably like "I'll rip his fucking head off."

"No!" she said sharply, against her better judgment deciding not to ignore his outburst. "There will be none of that! He stopped! I swear he did!" She stood, placing her hand on her hips and wishing she were 5 or 6 inches taller as she said in disbelief, "Were you not listening to the portion of the conversation earlier when I told you he was my daughter's godfather? Believe it or not I wouldn't have given that title to a rapist. I know you don't have the highest opinion ever of me right now, but give me SOME credit!"

He muttered something else under his breath, this time too quietly for her to hear and she rolled he eyes. "I'm going to assume that was an apology," she said and he looked at her incredulously before biting out,

"Why should I apologize to you?" though clenched teeth.

Her jaw dropped in disbelief before she took a menacing step toward him, eyes flashing as she snapped, "What, and I owe you one? I did the best I could!"

"By almost sleeping with my son?" he asked, clenching his fists as his voice rose. "I suppose I'm supposed to admire your fortitude because you decided not to fuck him just as he was taking your panties off- or were they already off?"

She gaped at him, momentarily too stunned to feel any hurt or anger whatsoever, thinking only of what she could say that would hurt him as much as he was trying to hurt her. "How DARE you say that to me?" she demanded with a brashness she did not feel and if he hadn't been so beside himself, he couldn't have missed the shaky quality of her voice. "And at least he didn't use words like fortitude," she spit out. "I can tell you the truth now: they aren't exactly a turn on!" she snapped cruelly.

"Well I guess I understand now why you married Rupert," he stated coldly and her eyes flashed once more as her hand flew upward. For one desperate moment he was sure she was going to hit him, but instead she yanked that hand in frustration though her hair as she snapped brutally,

"You leave him OUT of this!"

They stared one another down for a long moment, but ultimately Buffy was not able to remain silent, beginning to pace as she suddenly burst out with,

"Oh come on! REALLY, how stupid are you? Did you see the part where I was tying for THREE HOURS to find that stupid, UGLY necklace you gave me and cried when I couldn't?"

"You thought the cross was ugly?" he asked in disbelief. "I spent seven months picking that out! It was from-

"Oh whatever," she snapped, waving her hand dismissively. "I loved it because it was from you, is that what I'm supposed to say? I did! But I am TALKING here, do you MIND? Where was I-" she muttered, biting her lip in reflection before exclaiming triumphantly, "Oh!" as he stared at her in amazement. "FURTHERMORE," she continued angrily, "What the hell is your problem? You were dead. I never really knew Connor in conjunction with you. And EVEN HE could tell I was just doing what I did that night to prove some point having to do with you! It's always you! And I HATE you for that!" she seethed, a sob escaping unexpectedly from her throat, and she took a deep and shaky breath before continuing, much more quietly, "I wanted SO BADLY for it to not be you, and then I was with him and you just wouldn't go away." She shook her head slowly in a kind of defeat before shrugging helplessly, eyes wide. "You never go away," she whispered. "And I hate you for that."

There was a long pause as she took a few deep breaths, chest heaving from the effort it was taking not to either burst into hysterical tears or attack him brutally, physically. He stared at her silently and his face was carefully blank, eyes carefully averted, making her want to scream in frustration. "Come on," she whispered softly after an eternity. "We should go upstairs. I mean," she cracked a halfhearted smile, "What good are secret passageways if you never get to use them, right?" She brushed past him toward the door, shivering as her hand inadvertently brushed his, hesitating for the merest sliver of a second as he also froze- and then somehow he had grabbed her arms and was holding her carefully away from him, forcing her to meet his eyes.

"I know," he said, voice raw. "You never went away either. I hated you for it too. Only it was worse for me because I knew it was my fault that I didn't have you." He gulped. "You understand."

She nodded slowly, a single tear drifting down her cheek as she admitted, "I always did, even when I was pretending I didn't. Even when I tried not to. It made it harder."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not wholly sure what he was apologizing for, and she offered him a half smile, yanking herself out of his grasp.

"It took me a long time," she said slowly, as she turned away from him.

"What did?" he asked in confusion after a beat.

"To understand that you wanted it to end," she replied against her better judgment, turning to face him. "You wanted to die that night."

"Buffy-" he began slowly, wanting to explain, but she rushed onward quickly as though scared he might forcibly stop her, twirling a piece of hair around he finger nervously as she did so.

"I was so hurt that you didn't call me. I wanted to die." At his gesture of protest, she continued, more strongly, "No- I did. I really did. I won't lie about it now. But then I realized that you just- you wanted it to be over," she repeated, eyes filling with tears. "And as much as I could hate you for other things, I couldn't hate you for that."

"I never-" he tried to begin as she held up a hand.

"I know. Honestly, Angel," she said quickly, reaching out a hand to him and pulling it back with extreme force of will, "I understand. I wish for the end every day, and it's not anyone's fault. I love my children. I loved Rupert. But for so long it's just been so bad and I just- I don't want to keep doing it anymore. I understand everything you ever did because I do it too. I just don't have the courage to follow it to its logical conclusion like you did."

"Don't say that," he snapped at once, then forced himself to soften his voice, adding firmly, "I didn't mean to die," as she arched an eyebrow and offered him half of a very sad smile.

"No, but you knew you would. And I'm just selfish- all I could think afterward was 'what about me?' I couldn't accept that maybe- for you- it was just time. And I want you to know that- I'm selfishly glad you're back now, but I understand that you're not happy about any of it. I wasn't either after I came back, and I just- I'm sorry I haven't exactly been making it easier for you." She let out a half-laugh, "Or even tying to."

He sighed, not unkindly, holding up a hand. "Is there a point?"

"I- my point was just- I forgive you," she said in a rush, biting her lip nervously. "For all of it. Not because you need my forgiveness, because you really don't, but because-" she frowned slightly and he hated that she knew him so well even now as she whispered "I think you think you need it. And I want you to know you've always had it and I want you to know that-" she blushed, forcing herself to continue, "I mean, if you ever actually want to do the talking thing instead of the stoic silence thing- I'm here."

He swallowed with difficulty. "Thank you."

"Were you," she ventured softly, taking a deep breath, and he cold practically hear the conflict inside her head as she tried not to push it too far before finishing quietly, "When you were gone. Was it like heaven?"

"Yeah," he replied after a long moment, suddenly intensely taking an intense interest in the floor, unable to look at her. "I think it was."

Almost without realizing she was dong so she stepped closer to him. "What was it like for you?" she inquired, curiosity alive in her eyes even as she kept her voice carefully neutral.

He shook his head. "It all seems like a dream now, even though it wasn't long ago- I can barely-" he shook his head. "What was it like for you when you-"

She smiled wanly, taking another step toward him. "Lots of sunshine."

His eyes snapped up, meeting hers sharply. "For you too?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Different people were there, sometimes… I'd see Giles once and a while, my mom… Willow." She paused, gathering courage. "You were there."

He lowered his eyes again before forcing them up to meet hers. "You were in mine, too," he admitted hoarsely.

Her eyes locked firmly with his and she wondered how far she dared go. "No. I mean- yes but you weren't just there. You were-" and to her amazement she blushed again, "kind of the main player."

He looked slightly bemused and for a split second she thought he was going to reach out and pat her head or something equally humiliating; but to her surprise he just said hoarsely, "I knew what you meant. You were-the main player- in mine too."

Her mouth formed an exquisite 'oh' but she couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't sound unbelievably trite, unbelievably wrong- and so she did the only thing she could, forced a wicked smile and asked casually, "Cool. So- was there sex?"