A/N: This Chapter is a bit early, as a Christmas present for CanAnyoneHearMe, who always leaves me such nice reviews, and who was hoping for it to be up before Christmas. And you thought I wouldn't actually do it ;)
" Some people say the worst way to miss someone is when they are right next to you and know you can't have them, but it's worse when you thought you didn't want them anymore and then all of a sudden you realize you can't live without them."
Unknown
The worst that could happen didn't happen that night. Finn was a quiet sleeper, and, other then one moment around two when his entire body stiffened up and jerked sharply, one hand knocking me in the shoulder and startling me badly, he barely moved all night long. I, on the other hand, slept miserably.
It wasn't Finn's fault. Actually, he was taking up less then half of the bed, one arm dangling to the floor. He didn't snore, he didn't touch me, didn't even sleep restlessly. He just laid there quietly, all night long. He didn't even get up at night like he used to.
No, the problem was me. I had spent the past six months telling myself that I didn't want Finn, I didn't need him, I didn't have even the slightest sexual thoughts about him. Finn was my brother, and, for most of that time, he wasn't even that. He was the son of my father's girlfriend, and he was missing. He had been reduced to an abstraction in my mind, since it was the only way I could cope.
Then Finn had come back, and all of the feelings came roaring back with him. But they were confused with guilt from driving him from the house and shame for feeling that way about someone who was probably going to be my brother and fear of what had happened to Finn, and what would happen in the future.
I tried to tell you-
And that was another thing! I was so fucking sick of that voice telling me everything I was doing wrong, which was everything I ever did! I just wanted to be able to make my own decisions, without input from a freaky little Jiminy Cricket that was hiding in my brain as opposed to sitting on my shoulder. Get with Finn, don't get with Finn, leave him alone, don't leave him alone, be a friend, give him some space, make a move, for God's sake do something! I was really tired of feeling like I had a split personality.
Pissy, pissy. I'm not a different personality, sweetness, I'm you. Just better, because I don't fly off the handle like you do. Anyway, if you don't want my advice, fine. Good luck in figuring it out on your own.
I could figure it out on my own! I was great at figuring things out on my own. Like….well, I guessed I couldn't think of anything recent, but I had gotten on just fine without that voice before, thank you, and I could get by without it now. Right? Right.
I waited for a minute, but the voice had nothing to say. Finn grumbled a little and snuggled up against my back, his body loose and soft, but even that didn't provoke an inappropriate comment. Was that really all it took to silence that voice? Me telling it to shut up? Why hadn't I done this six months ago? And just what was I going to do about Finn?
"Listen. I already told you how it is." The words were whisper soft, and for a minute I thought that the voice was back. But no, it was Finn, talking in his sleep. Still, it was eerie enough to raise the hair on the back of my neck.
I rolled over in surprise, but he was sound asleep. Even though it I knew that it was tempting fate, I reached out and stroked his back. "What was that, Finn?"
"I'm not building the snowman. You have to build the snowman, you fucking moron." He stretched once, then rolled over on his back.
Ok, not exactly what I was looking for, but kind of funny. I patted him again, noticing the furrow that had appeared between his eyes. I didn't want him to wake up. "Ok, Love, I'll build the snowman for you."
"Good. I love you." Then he was out again, his head lolling to the side.
That was the second time he had said that, so maybe it meant something? Of course, he did think he was building a snowman, so maybe he couldn't exactly be trusted as a reliable source.
Or maybe he can. Sleep talkers don't lie.
I knew it! Getting rid of that voice had been way too easy. And sleep talkers might not be able to lie, but Finn's version of reality was obviously a little different then mine, considering that it had been 94 degrees yesterday.
Excuses, excuses. All you ever do is make excuses for why Finn can't possibly know what he's talking about. No wonder he didn't talk for so long, you don't listen to him when he does.
That hurt. I had wanted Finn to speak so badly, and I had listened patiently to him when he finally had, taking every word that came out of his mouth as absolute truth. Why was it so hard to do it now?
Do I really need to tell you this?
No, she didn't. I didn't believe that Finn could be telling me he loved me, not because Finn had a history of being a liar, but because if I believed him, and he was, not lying exactly, but confused about his feelings, it would crush me. Literally, I wouldn't be able to make it.
Yes you would. If you've learned nothing else from Finn, you should have learned that. Losing a crush, no matter how bad that crush was, wouldn't destroy you. Like Finn, like a coal in the ashes, you would have survived.
But at what cost? As much as I loved Finn, and as proud as I was that he was talking again, I wasn't going to delude myself into thinking that this was it, that he was cured. He still had a long, uphill battle ahead of him, and only time would tell if he would be able to heal completely.
He will. He's not going to be the same Finn he was before, because he can't be, but that doesn't mean he can't have a life of his own. He'll go to school, maybe not right now, but soon, he'll graduate, he'll move out and he'll be able to have relationships, both sexual and nonsexual, with people. They're just going to have to be extra patient with him. You know what would help him, though? Having someone by his side who already knows him. Just a suggestion.
As much as I hated that voice, and spend most of my time preferring that it leave me alone, I had to admit that it could be quite comforting on occasion. "I am being there for Finn." I spoke for the comfort of hearing my own voice, not because I thought anyone could hear me.
For a brief second, I let my mind wander off into fantasy-land, imagining what things could be like if I actually did have Finn as a boyfriend. To wake up in the morning and have him wrapped around me, instead of staying on his side of the bed. To be able to give him kisses, and hugs and not have him flinch away from me like I was going to hurt him. Maybe he would even be willing to go further then that, all the way to-
"Well, yeah." Finn's voice was a low mutter. "You're there for me a lot."
Somehow I had woken him up. "Finn?"
"Yeah?" He rolled his head so we were face to face, uncomfortably close.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Hopefully he hadn't heard me talking to myself like a crazy person. "You can go back to sleep."
He reached out and gently placed a palm on my forehead. "Do you feel ok?"
His hands, his body was too warm, too much, and I was terrified that I would just go up in flames from the proximity. I nodded, but couldn't find it in me to push him away. "I'm fine. W-why do you ask?"
Good job stuttering like a virgin on her honeymoon. Real sexy, Kurt.
And then there were times when that voice was less comforting and more of a huge pain in my ass.
"Because you're breathing really hard, like, dirty phone call hard. I thought that maybe you didn't feel good." Finn seemed concerned, the back of his hand now against my cheek. "You're all flushed."
I was pretty sure that telling him the real reason for that, that I had been having inappropriate sexual fantasies about him, wasn't a good idea. "I…I feel ok. I'm sorry I woke you up."
"It's alright." He stretched again, which only put his body closer to mine. "Do you want me to get back in my own bed?"
If you let him leave this bed, Kurt, I'll kill you.
"No, you're fine." Then I felt clingy, so I felt compelled to add. "Unless you want to."
"Uh-uh. Did you get any sleep tonight? Because tomorrows going to suck, and we need to be well rested for it."
Honestly, I had been trying to block tomorrow out of my mind. Tomorrow, at 8 am, Finn would be going to the police station, to give a statement, and make an identification of the man who had taken him. He was going to have to relive it, yet again, and this time, without my support, or his mothers, or anyone else's. Because this was going to be used in court, he was going to have to go in there with a court appointed person, the title of whom I had already forgotten, and the rest of us would be banned from the room.
Mentally, I tried to tally up the charges in my head. Capital Murder for Puck. I knew it qualified as capital, because Puck had been murdered during another felony, in this case, them kidnapping Finn. Which was a second charge. Kidnapping of a minor. Rape of a minor, at least one count. Unlawful imprisonment. Child molestation. That was six right there, and that just meant him. Joseph. Satan. If he didn't get the death penalty, that was enough to keep him locked up for the rest of his life, right?
Should be. But you know what a lot of this is going to depend on? Finn. When it comes to unlawful imprisonment, and rape, and child molestation, those are all his word against theirs. No positive rape kit, no evidence. If they're going to be charged with any of those things, Finn's going to have to be the one to say it. But don't say anything to Finn about it. He already knows, and you're just going to make him more nervous.
"Kurt? Am I keeping you from sleeping?" Finn nudged me gently.
Only in the very best way. "No, it's not you, specifically. It's kind of everything, and I'm still not totally used to sharing a room and having my bed in a different part of the room and stuff. I'll be fine."
"Dude, no offense, but you kind of have raccoon eyes. Do you want one of my pills?" He was so eager to help that it made me smile.
"No, those are yours. I'm telling you, Finn, its ok. You don't need to take care of me." Except I kind of liked it, deep down.
"But you always take care of me." He stroked my neck in a way that made me shiver. "Like, all the time. I want to be able to take care of you, because that's what bros do, right? Do you want me to rub your back or something? That always helps me fall asleep."
The snarky part of me wanted to point out that 'bros', as he so elegantly put it, generally did not rub each others backs, especially when they were sleeping in the same bed for the second night in a row, but, I had to admit, a backrub did sound kind of good. "Ok."
Finally.
I rolled onto my stomach, which was my favorite way to sleep anyway, and cocked my head at him. "Do I need to take my top off?"
"If you want." There was an apprehensive note in his voice now, even though his face was calm, so I decided against it.
He sat up, folding his legs underneath his body and moving Wolf to the floor with a gentle thump. "Just relax, ok? I'm still going to be here in the morning."
If only he knew how many nightmares I had had about that exact scenario, only in those he was gone forever. Then again, we shared a room, so maybe he did. Finn's hand came down softly on my back, impossibly light fingers tracing my muscles before smoothing up and down on my spine. "Go to sleep."
About 45 seconds later, I was most of the way there, almost purring as blunt nails scraped across my shoulder blades. I had no idea who had taught Finn to give a backrub, but they deserved all the praise in the world. And possible one Kurt Hummel special makeover. Finn was humming softly, a tune that I didn't recognize, but I was asleep before I could ask him about it.
When I woke up the next morning, we had somehow shifted positions so Finn was on his back in the middle of the bed, and I was curled up on top of him, my head on his chest. One of his arms was across my back, keeping me steady. I made a noise that varied between a squeak and a sound probably only audible to dogs, and tried to squirm free. If he woke up and found me in this position, I was a dead man.
He was reluctant to let me go, but I was eventually able to wiggle free. A glance at the clock told me that it was quarter to six, and I thanked Prada that I hadn't woken up even 15 minutes later. If I had, Carole would have seen things, and, even though she had been cool yesterday morning, cuddling might push her over the edge. I got up and went into the bathroom, hoping to start the day with some actual hot water.
No such luck. The shower was lukewarm at best, and I had to content myself with the thought that Finn wasn't going to get any hot water either. Maybe before Dad started putting up the addition, he could consider getting a bigger hot water heater.
I was still grumbling, noises that rapidly turned to cursing when I realized that my face stuff was still at my vanity. I wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped into the room, only to be greeted by the sight of my stepmother. I squealed and shot backwards into the bathroom, ducking behind the wall and, almost tripping in my haste.
I could hear her laughter through the partially closed door. "Oh, Kurt, it's not that bad. I've seen more when you are in your swimsuit. Plus, I'm a mother and a nurse. You have nothing that I haven't seen before."
That didn't matter. I was naked under this towel!
You were naked under your swim trunks, too. For God's sake, she doesn't care.
Well, I cared. I wouldn't even peek around the corner, because I didn't want to see her making that special Mom face, the one that said they didn't want to laugh, but only because they knew you would be offended. "Ok, I'll be gone in two minutes, I promise. Finn, honey, it's time to get up." He grumbled something that was impossible to understand.
"Come on, sweetheart, I have French toast waiting for you upstairs. With powdered sugar…" She was coaxing now, which meant that Finn was having one of his semi comatose mornings. I might as well dress in here and just be careful of my shirt when I used my moisturizers. If I wasn't ready when it was time to go to the station, I was going to get left behind.
I had just dropped my towel when the door came swinging all the way open and Finn stumbled in. "Dude! If you're naked, you have to let me know!" Finn sounded shocked, and not at all sleepy.
Yeah, well, notice he's not looking away either.
Not, he wasn't. Actually, we were both frozen in place, him staring, and me making zero effort to cover myself. Then I heard Carole yell Finn's name, and we both shot to action, screaming and stumbling away from each other. I grabbed my towel and covered myself up, even though it was no longer necessary. He had seen absolutely everything. Finn was out of the room, actually slamming the door in between us for the first time since he had been back. Through it, I could hear Carole scolding him for not knocking, and him telling her that he had learned his lesson.
My face and neck were flushed bright red when I finally got the courage to look in the mirror. Oh, God, Finn Hudson had seen me naked. The day had barely started, and it was already ruined. Could things get any worse?
Oh, you're such a drama queen. It wasn't that bad. So Finn Hudson saw you naked. Guess what? You don't have anything that he doesn't. Plus, wasn't it kind of a thrill that he couldn't stop looking?
Oh, no, this was not going to happen. The creepy voice in my head, the one I was trying so hard to get rid of, was not about to become my best girlfriend. And, yes, since it had asked, there was a thrill there. A tiny, tiny, dirty, little thrill.
At least you didn't get hard.
Point made. Things could have been a lot worse. Or possibly better, maybe Finn would have been turned on by it, and decided that we needed to try a few things out and-
With his mother five feet away? Really?
Oh yeah, I had forgotten about Carole. Never mind about the fooling around, then.
And let me say it again, groping him in the bathroom is not being slow or gentle. Do you really want to freak him out so bad he won't go in there and quits bathing again? Because I'm not eager to repeat that experience.
I wasn't either, so I decided to let it go. This could just be another one of those things that we never talked about again. I yanked my clothes on, but couldn't quite summon the courage to open the door. If I did that, I would have to face Finn, knowing what he had just seen.
But I could only stay hidden for so long, and I when I came out, Finn was still, there, sitting on his bed and watching me. He flushed and coughed awkwardly. "Sorry."
"It's alright." I had to resist the urge to lower my eyes from his. "I should have….well, actually, you should have been paying more attention."
"Yeah." He played quietly with the blanket, not wanting to look me in the eye. "Uh, next time I'll knock. I'm just a little nervous and I forgot."
"You don't need to be nervous. Just go slowly, and tell them exactly what you told me and your mother."
He shook his head. "But they aren't you guys. They're going to be looking for everything that's wrong with what I say, and then they're going to think that I'm a freak because of what happened. You guys are family, they aren't."
"They won't be trying to prove you wrong. They'll ask questions, but they just need to make sure that the story you're telling is as clear as possible. They aren't trying to make you look dumb or say that you're lying. The police are on your side, ok?" I wasn't sure where this fear was suddenly coming from, or if it had been there the entire time. "We already requested Officer Logan be there, and you like him, right?"
"Yeah. He brings me cokes and talks to me about football and stuff. He's going to be there?" He had perked up considerably. "Except I kind of ralphed on him the last time I saw him."
I patted his shoulder. "Just on the floor, not on him. Besides, he was cool about it."
He nodded. "You can't come in with me, you know. I have to do it by myself."
"You can do it." I wasn't so sure, but I had to be strong.
"Yes." Finn smiled at me, soft and tender. "I can."
It was such a departure from his earlier fears that I was momentarily thrown. "You can?"
"I can." He nodded again, the movements betraying his nerves.
I wondered if I should ask, or if it was better to just hope that his newfound courage held up. Maybe it was better not to tempt fate. "Ok. Breakfast first, then station, then I'll be gracious enough to let you choose what we do for the rest of the day." He started to open his mouth, and I held up a hand to stop him. "That does not include anything involving a ball, or watching a bunch of overtestosteronized gorillas do anything with a ball. Got it?"
One eyebrow flicked up, a trick he had learned from me. "I know what I want to do."
I was suddenly very afraid. "What?"
"You'll see." He stood up, and started towards the door. "Breakfast first, then station, then fun."
He was mocking me, of course, but somehow he managed to do it in such a gentle way that I didn't feel too badly. "Have it your way."
"I will." He bounded up the stairs without another thought, leaving me to sit down at my vanity and start on my face routines. My stomach was currently so knotted that I didn't think I could force any food down, which made me wonder how Finn could.
Because he's Finn and you're Kurt. He doesn't think the same way you do, and you know it. That's not to say that he doesn't think at all, because he does, but he looks at this situation from an entirely different point of view. To him, the worst is already over, and he survived it. Everything else is easy in comparison.
Not easy, just easy in comparison. I checked myself out in the mirror, noticing the freckles that I had been trying so hard to hide last night. They were standing out even more then usual, the result of me spending almost my entire summer indoors. First Dad and Carole hadn't wanted me out of their sight (and honestly, I had been a little bit afraid to go too far from home anyway), then Finn had come back and he wasn't leaving the house, so I had stayed with him. At least porcelain skin was in on all the models this season and every season. Not to mention the wrinkles and cancer I would be avoiding down the road.
Hello, Casper.
I did not look like Casper! I had pretty, pale skin, like Snow White or a nobleman or…
Casper the ghost. Only you aren't nearly that friendly.
I might have spent my entire face time fighting with my own mental voice if Finn hadn't come bounding back down the stairs. "Come on, Kurt! We're going to be late!" He grabbed the clothing that I had laid out for him, something that was nicer then he usually wore. It was silly, but I wanted the police to see how much we cared for him, enough to make him looks as nice as possible. Plus? He looked great in those pants. God he had a nice ass on him.
Finn always changed in the bathroom, even now. I had thought it was because of me, but, ever since he had opened up to me about what happened, I was taking it a lot less personally. It wasn't me specifically he wanted to hide his body from, it was everyone. It was his, and he was making sure that no one had the chance to violate it again. Even if that violation was just looking.
All I had to do was put my bowtie on, which I could do in my sleep, so I wasn't in any great hurry. Finn came out of the bathroom, actually looking fashionable for once, and frowned. "You're not coming, are you?" His dejected voice turned the question into a statement.
"Of course I'm coming." I realized that he had misinterpreted my relaxed posture. "I'm ready if you are."
"Not really, but I think I have to be." He went over to his dresser and took something out, slipping it into the pocket of his slacks. "Ok. Now let's go"
A part of me was curious, but I decided it was easier to just drag the truth out of him later. I nodded at him. "So, police station, then home."
"Police, then home. Hey, do you think Mom will take us out to lunch? There's a Texas Roadhouse by the police station. Puck and I go there after he gets bailed out." He stopped there and picked at his sweater sleeve. "Well, we used to. I guess not any more."
This was one of those moments where, no matter what I said, it would be the wrong thing. Anything I mentally tried out was either stupid, or condescending, or was only going to make him cry before we even left the house. So I just nodded and wrapped an arm around him, giving him a quick squeeze. One hand came up and lightly covered my arm for a brief second before falling away.
"After we get home and do our fun thing, we have to talk a little." I knew that Finn was serious when he didn't add in the word 'ok'. He wasn't asking my permission, he was telling me how things were going to be.
"Of course. You know, Finn Hudson, I don't think I'm going to get tired of hearing you talk for a long time." Why did I suddenly think that I should have never said that?
"Coolness." He gave me that silly little grin, the one that I very seldom saw any more. "I'm ready."
It was a good thing, too, because Carole was calling us from the top of the steps. "Finn, Kurt, let's go."
Game on.