APOV
The morning light hits my face, it's warm and comforting. Yesterday was sick and cruel, that was the worst thing I could have ever imagined. He was going to fuck me in front of the family and our children. Who even thinks about doing things like that? His side of the bed is neat and untouched, his cell phone is plugged into the charger on his bedside table. I roll over and grab it, keying in one of the only phone numbers I know.
"Anastasia? To what do I owe this call? I thought you were back with your precious children and happy as could be," Jack's cruel voice came through.
"How did you know it was me? It's not my cell phone."
"New York number, unknown number. I put two and two together, so how is life with Grey and family? Your kids everything you thought they would be? He forgive you and fuck your pathetic cunt yet?"
I don't know what to say, if I did I wouldn't know how to say it. Jack and Jose don't know or do sympathy but they were there for me. Jack's family as much as I don't want him to be. Christian pushes the whole family sticks together thing almost as much as Stephan did, Jack's dad. I don't know.
"He knows I know you and Jose, when I didn't answer him I was punished. He wants so much from me and I can't do it. I just want to die, I'm just do fucking tired of trying."
"I told you it would be too much for you. I mean last time you run back to mom and dad, they ship you off to me because you tried to kill yourself multiple times. I told you and you fucking moron didn't listen. I am older, smarter and know a shit ton more then you but you're just a cunt, a good fuck, who does not listen to anyone. You'll continue to get yourself in trouble, and I am not up for bailing you out every time. You want to kill yourself just fucking do it rather then crying to me every time because I won't do anything."
I can hear footsteps and voices in the hall heading in this direction, if it's Christian I am in trouble and if it is anyone else I will still be in trouble. I don't know what to do.
"Jack, what if I get out and get to Jose?"
"Awe, is the baby too afraid to end her own life she needs someone else to do it for her? Jose would be happy to kill you, you were a waist of space and made everything so hard for eight years. You cost money and barely brought any in, you show your face to him he will fuck then kill you. It's your choice. Don't call again."
He hangs up and I erase the number from his call history before plugging the phone back in and curling into a ball. I'm not to scared to kill myself, but what would my kids think of me when someone found my body.
Christian walks into the room with Elliot, both of their faces are grim and I know that I am already in trouble. I woke up and he already wants to punish me, he fucking hates me and I get it. They all need to hate me, who would take time to care about me.
I feel the tears run out of my eyes, soaking the sheets and the dress. Those two just look at me like I have lost my mind, which maybe I have. All they have done is walk into the room and I am crying, god what I would give to know what they are thinking right now.
"Anastasia, who were you talking to on the phone just now?" Elliot asks.
"I wasn't on the phone just now," I lie.
"Kitten, we saw you on the camera's, now we don't have microphones on here but I would appreciate some honesty from you," Christian calmly explains.
I bite my lip and curl into an even smaller ball, Elliot moves over and takes the phone away. Christian sits on the bed beside me, in order to look at him I see the clock and that it is nearly noon. He rubs my back in soothing circles while holding my gaze.
"Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?" I croak.
He looks at me as if I have grown three heads and am speaking in Russian, the look is rather funny but I can't find it in me to laugh. Really he just sighs then leaves the room, leaving me alone again. He is back shortly with the purse I haven't seen since wednesday at the courthouse when they needed my ID. He is looking through my wallet at all the business cards I have in there and he looks confused when he doesn't find a credit or debit card. He pulls out two cards that have handwritten numbers on them, my shrink in New York and my shrink in Phoenix.
"Do you need me to call one of them? I also have a psychiatrist on staff if you want to see him. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't want to see him, but you shouldn't be talking like this and if talking to someone is what you need I will do it," He offered.
"What's the catch?"
"No catch. Kitten, you need to communicate with me. Why do you think I would kill you? Do you want to die? What happened in the past ten years to make you think this way because this is not the girl I fell in love with. This is not the girl who mothered my children or who used to tell me to get my head out of my ass and think bigger because I could do more and be more. You are just as responsible for GEH as I am, without you it wouldn't be what it is today. Do you understand that?"
It was my turn to look at him as if he was an alien from some strange planet in another galaxy. He lifted me up off the bed and carried me in his arms to the love seat by the window, I curled into him because I always felt safe in his arms when I could listen to his heart and breath in his scent. He stoked the side of my face and I cooed at the feeling, colour rushing to my cheeks when I felt the bulge of his cock under my ass.
"I don't deserve this, any of this…" He tries to interrupt but I cover his mouth. "What you grow up around shapes you, and you grew up around structure and family who loves you with all their might. You grew up loved, cared for and encouraged like how you raise Maia and Noah." I take a deep breath in. "My birth dad killed himself when I was six months old, mom's second husband was great but military and he died overseas when I was seven; however it was mom's third husband that really did it. Mom already hated me and blamed me because of my dad, it was my fault he killed himself. She hated me and treated me like shit, starting at a young age I had to work for her to earn food and clothing. He was just as bad and worse, I was property but I was also a mousy little piece of shit. When I was Maia's age I turned into a profit maker in Las Vegas for them, three holes on a body where their only use was to be fucked. Why do I want to die, because death is so much easier."
"Kitten…"
"Jack Hyde is my step-brother, the first person to ever fuck me and he has done it every opportunity he has gotten. His step-brother Jose paid for my school and a place to stay if I was just another fuck bunny for him and brought in profit. I left and the first two years I was with my mom and Stephen but I eventually tried to kill myself more then once and they sent me off to be with Jack and Jose. That's my connection. I was on the phone with Jack because it's all I know. I want to die because I am a pathetic, useless, unworthy worm in life who no one could ever love."
I push off of his lap and go to his bedside table, taking out the 9mm from the drawer and checking that it's loaded while walking back over to him. He looks dazed while I put the gun in his hand, his finger on the trigger and hold his hands so it is aimed at my head. He's quickly aware of everything once he feels the pressure of my finger on his, trying to get him to pull the trigger. The gun is quickly thrown across the room and I am tackled to the bed, my hands in one of his above my head. He is waving at what I am assuming is a camera and thirty seconds later Taylor is bursting into the room with Elliot not far behind.
"What do you need?" Taylor asks.
"All guns, knives and rope are on lockdown as of now. Security can carry one gun each but everything else needs to go into the safe. Clear out all playrooms of rope, have Gail lock the knives she needs in the pantry and that it is to remain locked unless needed," Christian demands.
"Okay, but why?"
"Anastasia is not to be left alone anywhere, Gail, Kate or myself will escort her to the bathroom and she is to eat only when supervised."
"Christian, what is going on?" Elliot asked.
"Elliot, sit here with her. I need to get the bath started and a new set of clothes for her, Taylor you need to get everything started with other orders and ask Gail to start on something for her to eat."
"Christian?" Elliot tries again. "What's happening?"
"Ana is suicidal, it seems to be the reason she left in the first place. I think it may be best if we also send the kids to mom and dads."
I'm not suicidal. God, it's like he wasn't even listening earlier. I don't deserve to be loved or cared for, he needs to kill me so everyone else can be happy. I don't deserve life, I don't deserve it so I am not suicidal, I just need to die to make everyone else happy.
Christian leaves my side once Elliot sits by my feet, Taylor is gone and I can hear the bath running. Water… that would be a way to go and no one would ever find my body which would make things better. Christian walks from the bathroom to the closet on the phone, talking to whoever he wants because everyone loves him and wants to be there for me. Elliot is soon moving away from the bed and Christian carries me to the bathroom, he strips me and sets me into the large tup that is overflowing with bubbles. Christian sits back on the vanity while Elliot hovers in the doorway, I just sit in the tub and watch then as they watch me.
"I did this too her," Christian sighs.
"You don't know that, she has a history of this bro and her shrink is coming up with everyone else. It'll be okay."
"When I talked to mom and dad last night they said that if I punished her too much or for too long I could break her beyond repair. Fuck!"
"What are you thinking?"
"I think I left her alone to dwell on these self loathing thoughts for too long last night. I think that I can't isolate her because it will only make things worse," Christian moved over to kneel next to the tub and started to wash my body and hair. Is this compassion, love or pity? "I think that if the kids see her like this is will hurt them more then any of us can imagine."
"I'm fine Christian," I mutter. "I like the punishments, I like the structure."
"Fine, but no more isolation. I swear to god Anastasia that if you hurt yourself, attempt to kill yourself, or even mention it you will be punished and you will regret it."
"Yes sir."
"Close your eyes and plug your nose," I do as I'm told and he dumps warm water over my head to rinse out he shampoo. "Good girl."
Elliot leaves and I look at Christian, I can tell that he is trying really hard not to scream and yell. I can tell that he wants to punish me for not talking to him about everything earlier but I was scared earlier, he was already so mad at me for leaving and coming back. I couldn't talk to him when he was so mad and focused on that, not to mention that we have the kids to worry about. We have kids, kids who have this pathetic mess for a mom.
Christian helps me up and out of the bath, he dries me off then leads me into the bedroom. He sits on the bed next to the clothes he's picked out for me. Instead of dressing like he expects me too I crawl across his lap and get in the standard position for spanking. My ass still tingles from yesterday but it had time to heal yesterday.
"Twenty-four hits: eight for lying, eight for asking to be killed and wanting to die, and eight for getting a gun and putting it on my hands. After that I am going to fuck you for my pleasure, you will not cum," He said, his voice empty.
He never laid a finger on me, he stood me up and got me dressed then lead me down to the kitchen. I sat at the breakfast bar and ate eggs and toast, Christian left me with Gail and Kate. I don't know what to do or what's happening. I continue to sit at the counter and think after I had finished eating. After everything that has happened in my life where am I trying to get to?
"What is Christian?" I ask.
"What do you mean, Ana?" Kate responds.
"In the family, where is his placement?"
"He's been the boss for five years, Elliot was before as you know but it wasn't his thing so he gave the position to Christian. Since you weren't married Elliot let you run and tried setting him up with others but he rebelled. When he became the boss he looked for you but nothing came up, he branched out into higher risk sections like human trafficking. He was the one who taught all the trainers what to do, how to break women into bending to their will." Kate's voice faded. "He killed a few girls in the beginning because of the training, but that Christian was different then the one we would see with the kids or immediate family."
"Was he trying to break me like those girls? Make me a slave?"
"Honestly? He was using the same tactics, more ones from the beginning compared to what they do now; however, I think it is just because he is scared you'll leave again, break him again, hurt the kids again."
"I used to like the kinky stuff, but it wasn't the same," I blush.
"Why did you come back? I mean if you've struggled over the years with everything."
"I loved Christian, it was the only time in my life when someone loved me and people looked out for me. Then he was getting more involved with the crime part of everything and I was at home alone. He came home for sex and food but otherwise he was at school or working. It got to be too much and I knew that once we were married I wouldn't be able to leave. It felt like the world was changing too fast for the worst, and I wasn't ready yet."
"Then why come back? Why stay after yesterday?"
"Christian is the only person I love, who loves me and has made me feel cared for. Things were getting bad where I was and I wanted that again. I wanted to be cared for and have the structure. I needed it."
Kate looked behind me and in the doorway was Christian and my shrink Emily Collins, it looks like they had been there for a while, maybe even for that whole confessional that Kate and I just had. Kate excuses herself as does Gail, I move to the kitchen table at the same time as Emily and Christian. We all sit quietly and look at each other, waiting to see who will speak the first word.
Authors Note: Thank you for all the support, I am loving the reviews good and bad. Some people have questioned each personality but there are many holes to be filled still. Thank you.