A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of [wo]man in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
George Jean Nathan
"Who is it? Kurt? Kurt?" Finn had noticed that I was having a silent freak out. "Who's on the phone?"
I forced myself to take a deep breath. "It's Rachel."
Finn's face closed off completely. "Oh. Do the two of you talk now?" He was trying to sound disinterested, but failing miserably.
"No, Finn, I find Rachel Berry as insufferable now as I ever have. Not to mention her fashion sense. How a child of two gay men could possibly be so handicapped is a mystery that may never be solved. I think this call is regarding you."
"How come?" We were both whispering, and I had no idea why. It wasn't like Rachel could hear us, and the phone had stopped ringing while we fought.
"I may have failed to tell her that you were back."
Finn shot me a 'Kurt! How could you!' look, one that didn't require words to translate.
"She was in France! She was shopping and having fun and I didn't want to make you upset and…I'm sorry, Finn, I should have at least asked you what to do."
But I didn't, because I'm still attracted to you, despite my solemn promise that I would leave you alone and do my best to squash down those feelings. And I tried, I promise you I tried, but you're just so…you, that I can't help but love you. Please don't be angry with me.
I was not going to babble any of that out, despite the intrinsic truth. "I just…I thought that she would come home right away, and then she would be here, shrieking and making trouble all the time, and I just wanted it to be us, as a family. We've never really been that before."
He smiled at me. "I like us being a family. And you're right. Rach isn't my girl any more. She's Jessie's girl, and that isn't going to change. It's alright. I don't know if I could handle Rach right now anyway. She's not really good at being comforting."
This was my big chance to tell him the truth, and, as much as I didn't want to, I had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't forgive so easily a second time. "About that…Rachel isn't with Jessie any more. She hasn't been since before the end of the school year." The phone started ringing again, but neither of us so much as looked at it.
"Why not?" I couldn't tell if he was being polite, or was already planning his new way to get her back. They were terrible together, bringing out the absolute worst part of each others natures, but Finn loved her, and love is blind. If there was anyone who knew that, it was me.
"There was a stunning betrayal right before Regionals, which was ridiculous, because we weren't going to compete anyway. We were technically a team of eleven, with Jesse, but that wouldn't have been enough. 12 to compete, remember?" At his nod, I kept going. "But it's not enough for Vocal Adrenaline to win. They won before the competition even started. They had to destroy us. It wasn't hard; we were already pretty ruined by what happened." As much as I disliked Rachel, I still hated to hear that anyone else had hurt her. "Jessie got her to come out to the parking lot, and they egged her. Take out the best player, you take out the team. It was cruel."
Finn shook his head. "It wasn't about the team anymore. The team was already destroyed. It was Rachel herself that they wanted. Jessie was a huge douche, but he loved her. That was why I knew I didn't have a chance."
Could he possibly be right? "I don't think that he's capable of love. I think he's a slightly cleaner version of the disgusting Neanderthals from the hockey team. Sociopathic."
"No, he loved her. I know you think I'm stupid, Kurt, and maybe I am, but I understand love. He loved her, but he had to get rid of her, because the team said so. The team was more important then he was, so he did it, even if he hated to. Peer pressure, Dude."
The phone was silent for a period of almost 30 seconds, then rang again. I could have silenced it, but I had to hear what Finn said next. "Would you have done that? If the team asked you to?"
"No. The football guys wanted me to hurt you, to get you off the team, but I wouldn't do it."
As much as I had known the other guys on the team hated me, it still hurt to hear. "They wanted you to hurt me?" It came out squeaky and scared.
"Not hurt hurt you. But scare you. Scare you so bad that you wouldn't ever even come in the locker room again. They said to do something…you know." His ears flushed red, and I did know. They had wanted Finn to sexually assault me, or at least make me thing that he would.
Finn read my face. "I told Karofsky to go fuck himself, and that you were super awesome. I also told him that if anything happened to you, I would tell Principal Figgins on him." He leaned back onto his elbows. "But you did. You did exactly what Jessie did."
"I did not! I would have never, ever sexually terrorized someone! I thought you and I were past that incorrect assumption." Tears threatened, but I blinked them back. I was not going to give Finn Hudson the pleasure of seeing that he had made me cry.
"Huh?" He was actually squinting in confusion now, looking at me like I had sprouted a second head. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, yeah, you were kind of being stalker creepy and I was kind of being a big jerk about it. You wouldn't have hurt me, and, deep down, I knew that. It was just easier to blame you for everything that was going wrong, when it was really everybody's fault. Mine and yours and Mom's and your dad's. I don't think that any of us were really thinking about what was happening. It didn't matter in the end, though, did it?"
His words lifted a weight off of my chest that I hadn't realized was even there. Whether or not I blamed myself for what had happened, Finn didn't blame me, and that helped me let go of a little bit of the guilt. "What did you mean, then?"
"You told Rachel that she had to give up Jessie, or you and Mercedes would quit the team. And that you would get everyone else to do it, too. She caved to peer pressure then, and Jessie caved later on, but it was the exact same thing."
I don't know why I ever think that anyone can do anything in the Glee club and not have Finn find out about it eventually. He might not always let on that he knows, but there's just something about him that makes you want to tell him all of your secrets. Plus, I couldn't say much, because, he was right. Mercedes and I had forced Rachel to make the same choice that we were now condemning Jessie for. "You're right. We were cruel, too."
Finn nodded. "Yeah. I think we all are, deep down. At least we want to be. It's easier, you know? They hurt you, you hurt them, you just keep hitting back and forth."
I smiled brokenly. "You've become a very profound man, Finn Hudson."
His head shook once. "Nah, I just have a therapist who listens to what I say, then repeats it back in a way that sounds much smarter then I actually am. It's kind of cool, actually. You know, it's nice to not feel like a moron all the time."
The phone rang for the fourth (or was it fifth?) time. She just wasn't giving up, now was she? I picked it up. "Do you want to talk to her?"
For a second he thought, then shook his head. "I can't. I need to think about what I should say to her, you know, to make this right."
This was not the time for me to explain that there was nothing he needed to do to make this right. That Rachel should be the one puzzling over what to say to him. If Finn wasn't comfortable talking to Rachel, I wasn't going to push it. The fact that I was getting a dirty little thrill out of the fact that he was talking to me, but didn't want to speak to her had nothing to do with it. "Fine, but I'm going to at least answer it. If I don't, she'll never give up."
His mouth smiled, but the rest of him looked sad. "Rach never does."
I didn't even want to think about what was going through his head right now, so I picked up the phone instead. "This is Kurt's phone." I made myself sound polite but disinterested in what the other person had to say.
"Where's Finn?" For once, she wasn't screaming or overdramatic. Instead, there was a fierce coldness in her voice that momentarily threw me. "I know he's home, and I know that he's with you. His phone is disconnected, but I know you can get him for me."
I looked over at Finn, at his pleading face, and did my best. "Yes, Finn's home, and he's fine, but he's sleeping right now and I don't want to disturb him. How about I take a message?"
Finn signed 'thank you' over and over, his body visibly relaxing as the shriek fest began. "How could you even consider not telling me that my boyfriend, the Romeo to my Juliet, the Ophelia to my Hamlet, the Fiyero to my Elphaba, had been returned from who knows where? He needs me to provide comfort and succor?"
I tried not to gag. "First of all, do you have any idea how things turned out for all of those couples you just mentioned? Dead, all six of them. You weren't told that Finn was back because there was nothing you could have done about it. You were an entire continent away, and enjoying a family vacation. Finn needed his family, and that's what he had. We've been taking care of him just fine."
"You aren't his family, Kurt, not if I'm not. I know that his mother is dating your father, but how close are you really to Finn? Do you know his favorite movie, or pizza topping or how he likes to be kissed? We both know that you have this misguided attraction to him, but he's not yours to protect."
I wanted to explode right there, but I was held back by the fact that Finn was still watching my every move. He had never been good with angry people, and it frightened him even more since he had come back. Rachel was still yelling, but I tuned her out in favor of signaling Finn to go upstairs. His eyes narrowed, and I quickly signed 'please' and '10 minutes' at him. He didn't like it, but he went, staring after me with sad eyes.
As soon as I was sure he was out of earshot, I closed myself in the bathroom and let loose. "In case you've forgotten, Finn isn't yours to protect either! When he disappeared, where were you? Out with Jessie! When I called you the next morning to ask if you had seen him, you didn't want to help me! Finn only matters to you when he can do something for you. The minute you found something that could boost your star a little higher, goodbye Finn, hello Jessie! My father will be marrying his mother eventually, and that makes Finn and I brothers and family."
She started to say something, but I didn't let her get it out. She wasn't the one who sat up with Finn at night, listening to horror stories. She didn't rub his back, and soothe him and spend two months trying to get him comfortable enough to speak. "His favorite movie is Dogma. He likes pepperoni, extra cheese and bacon on his pizza. And, no, as you so kindly pointed out, I don't know how he likes to be kissed. But I do know his favorite meals, and how long it takes him to get ready in the mornings and the easiest way to help him fall asleep. You know how I know? Because I've been the one dealing with it all while you ran around France eating croissants and buying every hideous pantsuit in existence!" I hadn't intended to let her get to me, but there was just something about Rachel that never failed to get under my skin.
"Well whose fault is that?" Whatever else can be said about her, Rachel Berry does not back down from a challenge. "Oh right, it's yours! If you had called and said that he was home, I would have come home to help. But, no, you have to play the martyr, Kurt! You look up with those big blue eyes, and everyone falls over themselves to give you whatever you want. Guess what, I don't believe your act, and neither does Finn! He knows that this is all your fault! If you had just left well enough alone, then your parents would have never met, and never wanted to move in together. It's your fault, Kurt, and I hate you."
Red spun through my vision. "Well I hate you! Maybe if you had managed to ease up on Finn for 10 minutes, he wouldn't have been so stressed out! That's the real reason he was out that night, not because of anything I did. Carole let him go out with Puck because she thought it would help him calm down a little from everything that had happened recently. Like maybe seeing you with your tongue down the throat of the enemy!" That wasn't technically the truth, but it wasn't a lie either. Everyone had played a role in Finn's worries, including both Puck and I.
"I didn't want to hurt Finn! I never, ever intended to hurt Finn. Jessie was just...he was so driven! Finn's easy, but he doesn't know what he wants out of life. Jessie not only knew what he wanted, it was the same thing I did. Not dating him would have been foolish."
"Ah yes, because falling in love with the enemy always works out so well. Congratulations, Rachel, now you'll have plenty of experience to draw on the next time you're asked to play a jilted lover." I had never heard my tone sound so bitchy, and there was a part of me that reveled in hurting her as badly as she was hurting me.
A small part of me marveled at the fact that we had all managed to hold things together for the four long months that Finn was missing, only to fall apart the minute we both knew that he was back.
No shit. All that tension that the two of you were using to worry about Finn had to go somewhere didn't it? Like it or not, the two of you are in competition. Competition for solos, competition for Finn. Speaking of Finn, this exactly what he was talking about a few minutes ago. It's easier for you and Rachel to turn on each other because neither one of you can do a thing to hurt the people who are actually to blame. But you know who both of you can hurt? Finn. And if you can't even pretend to get along, you will hurt him. He needs both of you, so grow up and play nice.
The voice was right, so I made myself take a deep breath and release my death grip on the towel that was hanging up. "Rachel, we need to stop this." Even though my voice wasn't very loud, it was calm, and that cut through our fight more easily then if I had screamed.
She didn't agree to stop, but she did freeze, her angry breaths sounding amazingly loud against the sudden silence. The phone crackled with a poor connection, and I found myself just wanting to just lose it. Only I couldn't. I had to stand up for Finn; because there was no way he was going to be able to stand up for himself. "Look, you can hate me all you want, that's ok. You can even blame me for Finn disappearing, even though it isn't my fault. But we can't do this in front of him. You can wish me dead all you want, but do you really want Finn to come home to us trying to kill each other? It's not about us any more, if it ever was."
My head was suddenly throbbing, and all I wanted was to lean back against the tub and have a good cry. It was too much, trying to keep track of my mental health, and Finn's, and now Rachel's, too. I wanted someone to take care of me, but there was no one left.
"I don't hate you Kurt." Now her voice was soft, barely a whisper. "I never hated you, and I don't blame you for what happened to Finn. I don't know why I said that I did. You're right, this is bigger then you and I, and it's silly for us to have a petty rivalry over someone who doesn't belong to either one of us. How is he?"
How was he? Much better then he had been a week ago, and a thousand times better then when I found him on the porch, but nowhere near the boy Rachel was expecting. "He's…he's not ok. He's getting better, but he's not ok." Even saying the words out loud felt like a betrayal, no matter how true they were.
The other end was quiet for a few minutes, probably while she gathered her thoughts. "Is he hurt?"
If only it had been that easy. "Physically? No. Physically, he's the same old Finn. Emotionally? He's pretty broken. He wasn't talking at all when he came back, but he's doing better then that now."
"Does he know about Puck?" I had no doubts that she was taking notes of everything I was saying to her.
"Yes." My voice was still small, and my head was hurting worse and worse.
"He saw it, didn't he?" It wasn't a question so much as her begging me to say no. "Poor Finn."
Poor Finn indeed. "Yes." For a second, my throat locked up, and I couldn't continue. "Look. I'm not trying to keep the two of you apart, but please be careful. Finn doesn't need any more stress right now. You're a very talented singer Rach, and I know you love Finn, but you come on very strong. Try and be a little less…you."
She gave a small, weak, laugh. "You're right, Kurt. He's not mine anymore, if he ever was. He's nobody's now."
Why was it that people only wanted Finn when he could provide them with something? To Rachel, to Joseph, to Lily, he was an object to possess, not a person with his own thoughts and feelings. The Wright's had carried that idea much further then Rachel had, but the same sentiment was there. "He's never belonged to anyone except himself."
"Of course he belongs to himself!" She seemed insulted that I would suggest different. "I'm just saying that he's not attached to anyone right now, you or me."
"He doesn't need to be attached to anyone right now. Right now he needs family, and his friends and that's it." A relationship was a hard thing for Finn to handle on his best day, and he hadn't seen a good day in the past 6 months.
"So what do we do now?" She seemed genuinely curious, and I didn't know what to tell her. But my 10 minutes had to be getting close to up, and I knew that Finn wouldn't give me any extra time, so I had to think of something.
"How about I talk to Finn when he wakes up, and let him know that you want to talk to him. You coming over right away might be a little overwhelming for him right now." There, that was ok, wasn't it? I was starting to feel nauseated on top of my headache, and I wasn't sure of anything any more.
When Rachel spoke next, it was in a very low voice. "I do love him, you know."
"I know." I didn't doubt that she loved Finn. What I did doubt was that she loved him more then she loved herself, and more then she loved her dreams. Not that I thought she should be required to give those dreams up for his sake, but she needed to be clear to him that he would always come second.
"And I'm sorry I screamed at you. I just…it should be easier for him, for all of us, and it can't possibly be that way."
"No." My vision was blurry with tears and I just wanted her off the phone. "I'm sorry I screamed, too. I'll have Finn give you a call tonight." Despite it all, my voice held steady.
"Take care of yourself, too, Kurt." Her tone suggested that I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was. "Bye."
I mumbled my own goodbye and hung up, just as Finn came barreling back down the stairs. It didn't take a genius (good thing!) to figure out where I was, and he hit the door with enough force to nearly take it off its hinges. All that succeeded in doing, of course, was bouncing him backwards, since I had actually closed the door all the way. "What are you doing in there? Why is the door closed?"
That should have been my cue to get up and put on my best happy face, but I just couldn't. This family was draining and Finn was draining and talking to Rachel was draining and now I was all tapped out. So I just sat on the floor and stared at the side of the bathtub, wondering why the people who had built the house chose such an ugly shade of green.
The doorknob jiggled and Finn let himself in. Without hesitation he threw himself down on the floor next to me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Everything.
He frowned and reached out, putting one hand under my chin and tipping my head up so he could see better. "Did Rach make you cry?" His tone wasn't as shocked as I would have thought it would be. Rachel was more then capable of being cruel when she felt like it.
"No." My voice sounded strange, even to my own ears. It was like I was underwater, distorted and strange, though his voice was perfectly clear. "It's just…." I didn't know how to finish that, so I just flipped my hand.
"You're hitting the wall." He reached out and slid his hands down my arms, gently pulling me up so my hands were on his shoulders. From there, it was easy for him to lift me off the floor, my arms tightening reflexively around his neck and his hands supporting my legs.
I hadn't hit anything yet, though not from lack of desire to, but I accepted his words in silence, taking the opportunity to snuggle against Finn's chest. For two years this had been my deepest fantasy, and now I felt too ill to even care that it was happening.
But I couldn't do this to Finn, so I squirmed a little, asking to be put down. "Finn, I'm fine."
He didn't let go. "Trust me, Dude, you aren't. You need to rest before you get sick."
Actually, my nausea was gone, and my headache receding into a dull throb. Finn laid me down on the bed with a gentleness that I wouldn't have attributed to him. "There you go."
I wanted him to lay down next to me, the same way I had been doing for him, but he stood up again immediately and went over to his dresser, rummaging around and finally pulling out a long sleeved T-shirt. He brought it back over and tossed it gently to me. "Go ahead and get changed, because those buttons do not look comfortable."
The two dozen perfectly shaped but pointy buttons on my shirt wouldn't be comfortable at all, so I took the shirt and changed into it. "You know, I have pajama tops of my own."
Finn had turned his back while I changed, giving me the same privacy that he wanted for himself. While I knew he wasn't looking, I wiggled out of my jeans as well. It was feeling more and more like bedtime, and I might as well go for it. "Yeah, I know. But I kind of thought that you might kill me if I went in your dresser and screwed up your folded stuff."
"You're a smart man, Finn." I didn't want to whine, but I couldn't help it. "Could you just…just for a few minutes? Please?" I hoped he wouldn't make me say it out loud.
"Sure." He climbed under the covers, his body warm against the coolness of the sheets. "Your bed is way better then mine.
It should have felt awkward, but it didn't. When I snuggled closer, I felt safe, like Finn could be trusted to deal with anything that might happen. "My sheets have a higher thread count then yours do." It felt like any noise would break the spell the two of us were under, so I whispered the words. Something was happening here, something that was going to change everything. "I'm sorry about this, Finn."
He yawned and laid his head next to mine on the pillow, so close that I could feel his breath on my cheek. "'Bout what?"
My hand slid up of its own accord to clutch at the neck of his T-shirt. He patted my fingers with his own, the size difference almost comical. "I'm supposed to be taking care of you, and now you're stuck taking care of me."
"No you're not." He must have seen the devastation on my face, because he tried to clarify. "Not that I don't think that you're great, and not that I don't totally love you for taking care of me, because I do. But you shouldn't feel like you have to take care of me. I'm not a baby, and you're not a grown up. It's ok for you to take care of you, too. Or let me do it. You already hit the wall once, if you keep it up you're going to have some sort of nervous breakdown and end up in the loony bin. That would suck, dude."
Finn couldn't take care of me; he couldn't even remember to use the hamper from day to day.
He's doing a pretty good job so far. Or would you rather be still sitting on the floor of that disgusting bathroom?
The bathroom was not disgusting! I knew that for a fact, since I cleaned it myself every other day. This was mostly due to the fact that one of us (and I refused to admit that it might be me) did not have particularly good aim. But there was a certain amount of truth in the rest of that statement. Everyone underestimated Finn, which I was coming to think was a bad mistake.
"Try and take a nap." His free hand stroked down my back, just like it had last night. "I can stay here, you know, if you want."
"I do." Now that I was sure he would stay, I moved my hand from his collar to the bed, trusting him to keep his word. Not that I could have done anything to hold him if he decided to bolt, anyway. "What does 'hitting the wall' mean?" My voice was surprisingly deep, already settling into a sleepy rhythm.
"It means…" He looked up at the ceiling, taking a minute to gather his thoughts. I let my eyes close, knowing that he would think better if he wasn't being stared at. "It's when you're just too tired to keep going. Like you've just slammed into a wall, and gotten thrown off, and you don't even have the strength to get up off the ground. It's being done."
It wasn't until he said that that I realized how done I had actually been. Done enough that my body was actually making itself sick in an attempt to get me to take better care of it. "I think I was that." My voice was giving out, and I could already feel the looseness the preceded sleep spreading through my limbs.
Finn chuckled, his hand petting down my back. "Dude, I know."
Then there was nothing.
Naturally, since things never seem to go my way, the nap turned out to be a terrible idea. We slept right through to dinner, when Carole came down and woke us up. Which also meant that she got the pleasure of seeing me in bed with her son for the second time in three days. To her credit, she didn't make a big deal out of it. She just raised an eyebrow and mildly announced "Boys, dinner. It's pot roast."
"Yay!" Finn got up and staggered towards the steps, yawning heavily.
Carole shook her head. "Nothing gets between him and a meal. Finn, get everyone drinks, please. Tea for Burt and I, and-"She looked over at me. I shook my head to clear it and mumbled. "Milk."
"Kurt wants milk." Finn nodded sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.
I knew that the word 'milk' wasn't specific enough for Finn, so I cleared my throat and called as loudly as I could. "Skim milk Finn! Not that full fat stuff you insist on drinking!" I was sweaty, groggy, and more tired then I had been when I laid down.
"Milk with no flavor, got it." He bumped the wall twice on his way up the stairs, leaving me to wonder how he had made it this far without being a walking bruise.
Carole followed him. "I'll leave you to get dressed."
Because I was still half asleep, it took a minute for her words to sink in. Get dressed. Carole had walked in on me in bed with her son, and she thought I wasn't getting up because I was undressed under the covers. Oh, God. Why wasn't she freaking out?
Kurt, can I be the voice of reason for a minute? You are undressed under the covers. Not naked, but do you really want Carole to see you in your underwear? She's being polite.
Ok, I guessed that was true. Since it was just the family, and all I wanted to do was curl up and fall back asleep, I just put on a pair of horrible sweats, the kind I usually wouldn't be caught dead in.
Dinner was a quiet affair, considering that Finn was eating as fast as possible, and I was trying to keep from falling asleep in my plate. The pair of us mostly grunted and agreed with everything Dad and Carole said, which was how we ended up roped into family movie night when we both just really wanted to go downstairs.
As the quote-unquote children of the family, Finn and I were given the responsibility for choosing the movie. This, of course, led to more problems, as I liked period pieces and musicals, and Finn liked things that involved a lot of explosions and boobies. We finally compromised on Little Miss Sunshine, which meant all I had to do was stay awake for two hours. Then I could get back in bed, hopefully with Finn, and this day could be over. Dad and Carole took the couch, Finn curled up in his father's old chair, and I sat on the floor, leaning back against the loveseat.
Yeah, because you have such good motives for wanting to cuddle with her son. Carole! Oh Carole! Kurt wants to sex your son up!
No I didn't.
Yes you do.
No I don't!
Yes you do!
Ok, I did! But that didn't mean anything! I could keep in mind what Finn had been through, and treat him with all of the brotherly affection that he deserved.
It means everything.
Fortunately, I was saved from a humiliating defeat at the hands of my own mental voice by Finn falling asleep, which resulted in him slumping over and falling out of his chair. He wasn't hurt, just a little stunned, and he sat there, rubbing his eyes and blinking owlishly.
Dad and Carole exchanged looks. "I think it's bedtime for Finn."
This was my chance. "Me, too. Finn needs company, don't you, bro?"
"Sure." He yawned again. "Sorry."
"It's alright, sweetheart. Come here." She held out her arms for a hug, and I had to resist the urge to shove Finn out of the way and get the hug for myself. Luckily, she didn't make me ask, but offered me a hug and kiss of my own.
Then something unusual happened. Dad patted my back gently, then, after a pause, held out a hand to Finn. After an excruciatingly long pause, Finn stretched out and slapped it gently, his palm barely making contact.
Carole and I exchanged quick, shocked, glances. It was the first time Finn had touched Dad since all of this started, maybe the first time he had ever done so. Dad smiled. "Good night, Finn."
"Night." There was nothing left to say, so the two of us headed back downstairs.
Even though I was tired enough that I was falling asleep on my feet, I was not about to neglect my face routines. The start of school was less then two weeks away, and I was not about to attend with my face all broken out. I leaned against the bathroom door. "Can I close it all the way? It was ok earlier."
His eyes narrowed, and I took a deep breath to keep from reminding him that there was no magic portal in our bathroom that I could teleport through and vanish. "How about this: I'll push the door all the way closed, but not let it catch? That way you can push it open really quick if there's an emergency."
"Ok." He wasn't happy, I could tell, but he was willing to agree.
I fully expected him to hover outside the door the entire time, so I took my time in washing my face and putting on just the right creams. Neither one of us said anything, and, hard as I tried, I couldn't hear him either.
The reason why was revealed when I opened the door and came out. Finn wasn't waiting outside at all; he was curled up in his bed asleep. It surprised me, because I had just assumed that he would want to sleep with me, the same way he had done for the past two nights.
You know what they say about assuming…
Yes, I knew what they said about assuming. I think everyone knows what they say about assuming. I guessed it was a sign of progress, though, that he wanted to be on his own, so I just adjusted his covers and whispered a quick, 'night Finn' to him.
It was harder to fall asleep then I thought it would be. The bed was cold, and too big, and, honestly? I kind of missed having Finn flopped all over me. Ok, I more then kind of missed it.
But he was comfortable and sleeping deeply, so I left him alone. And even with a cold and empty bed, it only took a few seconds for me to fall asleep myself.
Maybe that nap in the afternoon meant that I wasn't sleeping as deeply as I usually did. Or maybe I was just sensitized to certain sounds. At any rate, I was woken by a quick beep, almost a chirp. What was that?
I didn't even bother opening my eyes, just pressed the heels of my hands into them and groaned. It wasn't a text message on my phone, that sound was too loud and sharp for that. Was it the smoke alarm? That could have been a low battery chirp. I kept listening, but the sound didn't repeat itself. Probably not the smoke alarm, then.
I had just about decided that the sound had been only in my dreams when the correct answer hit me with the force of a mack truck. The beep had been the noise our house alarm made when it was turned either on or off. I was on my feet before I could finish that thought, looking through the darkness at the small keypad that should have had a red light on, telling me that it was armed and ready. There was nothing, the panel remaining stubbornly dark.
Think you're forgetting someone?
No, it couldn't be. "Finn?" My voice was loud, but it didn't get a response. "Finn! Finn!" I was across the room in a few panicked bounds; my mind refusing to acknowledge what my heart already knew was true. My hands raced over Finn's bed, feeling nothing but a sheet, still warm from Finn's body heat.
But Finn himself was gone.