"Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices."—Alfred A. Alapert

My heart was screaming in my ears, my breaths coming in rapid pants. "Finn! Finn!" I wanted to scream, felt like I was screaming, but all that came out was a pathetic whimper.

Stop it! You just heard the alarm go off, therefore he can't be far. Plus, the alarm was turned off, not set off. Someone from inside the house had to have done it. Now go!

Finn wouldn't have turned it off himself, because he didn't know the code, and he had no reason to go outside. It was hard enough to get him out of the house during the day, when he could see everything that was happening. But I couldn't think of any reason for either Dad or Carole to want to go outside at 3:14 in the morning.

The fact that I was barefoot and half dressed didn't seem to matter as I raced up the stairs. I could still catch Finn; still make sure that he stayed here with us. I just had to move quickly.

Sure enough, the keypad by the back door was dark as well, and the door was slightly ajar. I eased it open, stepping out into the backyard, scanning desperately for my sometime brother.

He was there. My knees went week, and I sat down on the porch with a muffled thump. I wanted to call out to Finn, but something held me back, telling me to watch what he was doing before letting him know that I was here.

In an old white T-shirt and light grey track pants, Finn was easy to see, even in the darkness of the yard. As I watched, he unerringly paced the property line, his back to me as he traced our yard.

He's way too good at that. Look how surefooted he is, never tripping or moving off the line. This isn't the first time he's come out here, or even the 10th. He's just never woken you up before. Now why do you think he's doing this?

I had no idea. Despite the fact that he was talking now, Finn's mind was as almost as mysterious to me as it had been the day we found him. Yes, he had told me everything that had happened to him during the long months that he had been held captive, but it had been a mostly dry narrative. His feelings, his motivations for doing what he did now were still obscure.

Are you sure he told you everything? I think you're taking for granted that he didn't leave anything out or exaggerate anything that happened. It might not have been a conscious thing, or maybe he was ashamed, but you may want to try asking again, as gently as possible.

About that time, Finn turned the corner and saw me sitting on the porch. He immediately broke his pacing and came to sit beside me. "Kurt! You should go inside before you freeze."

"Aren't you worried about yourself?" I leaned against his side, and he responded by snuggling closer.

"Nah, I'm fine. You're really tiny, so you might freeze to death."

Tact could be screwed. "You scared me, Finn. Do you know how I felt when I woke up and saw that you were gone?" The tears that I hadn't even realized I was holding back started rolling down my face.

Finn looked stricken. "Dude, I'm sorry. You never wake up, and I thought you would be ok. I'm sorry, Kurt, I promise."

I wrapped an arm around him, desperate to feel his warmth and know that he was really here, that no one had taken him away again. "I know you didn't mean to upset me. But why are you out here at all?"

He shrugged. "I had to. Most of the time it's all ok, but sometimes…sometimes I just feel like I'm dying in there, and I want to be outside where I can be free. It's like the walls are funhouse walls and are just moving in on me."

Classic claustrophobia. I thought for a minute, then spoke quietly. "You can always wake me up if you need me."

"I didn't. Not that I don't love you, but I just needed to be alone for a little bit. I'm getting choked."

I was pretty sure that the term he was looking for was smothered instead of choked, but I let it go. "Oh. Do you want me to leave?"

"Nope. Now that you're here, you can stay." He leaned back, staring up at the sky. "I think I can see the big dipper from here. Definitely Orion."

I wasn't sure if he was just thinking out loud, or he was actually working his way up to telling me something. I had never spent much time looking at the stars, and, while I knew some of the basic shapes, I couldn't see what Finn did. "Where?"

He pointed, but I couldn't pick out the three stars of Orion's belt, much less the box shape. "I don't see it."

After a minute pause, he reached out and took my chin, gently turning my head to the side. He pointed again. "Look along my arm."

Once I did that, it was easy to see what he meant. But I liked the way his hands felt, and I wasn't eager to give that up. "I still don't see it."

"It's right…" He trailed off, and I knew I couldn't keep this up much longer. "Look right along my finger. That's his belt, then the square around it is his body. Orion was a great hunter, so great that he hunted with goddesses and shit."

"I see it now. I have to say, Finn, I'm impressed with your knowledge of Greco-Roman myth." His arm had dropped from my face to my shoulders, and I leaned my cheek against it.

"Well, yeah. I mean, there was a whole part with a naked goddess in it and being a peeping tom and all of that stuff. It was pretty sweet."

Of course, naked goddesses. "Yeah, I think I remember that one." I laid a hand on his knee. "Do you have any idea how it felt when I woke up and you were gone? I know that that man is in jail, but she's still out there. His wife, you know. If she had come back…" I couldn't even finish the thought.

"No she's not; she's in jail, too. The police called while you were still asleep." There was nothing in his voice to betray how he felt about that. "But she's not coming back. Once I was gone, I don't think they thought about me any more."

I wasn't so sure of that. I just didn't see how anyone could possibly have Finn, then just give him up and forget about him.

They didn't know he was Finn. They didn't know anything about him, except how to terrorize him the best. Face it Kurt, to them, Finn was nothing but a warm body, a living sex doll for them to enjoy.

It made me sick to think that, but Finn's mind was a million miles away from New Mexico and the horrors that had occurred there. "What did Rachel say when you talked to her?"

"She said that she's glad you're back, and that she missed you a lot. She wants to come see you as soon as humanly possible, but I convinced her that tonight was maybe a little soon." I watched his face carefully, trying to figure out what he wanted me to say.

But Finn wasn't looking at me. He was back to staring up at the sky, as if it was sending him messages that I couldn't understand. "Did she say if she wanted to get back with me?"

My heart was now puddled somewhere on the bottom of the porch steps, but I couldn't let any of that show on my face. If Finn thought that there was even the slightest chance that I was still attracted to him, our relationship, pitiful thing that it was, would be over. So I made my voice as cheerful as possible. "She didn't specifically say anything about that. But I'll all but guarantee that she wants you back. After all, you're the Romeo to her Juliet, her hero."

He squinted. "It didn't turn out very well for Romeo and Juliet."

Oh-hoh, what's this? Is Finn having second thoughts about his relationship with Ms. Berry? Is he actually seeing what everyone else has already seen, that he and Rachel do nothing but tear each other apart?

I knew better then to give any indication of my thoughts in either my face or voice. "No, it didn't. It's just a phrase, though, Finn."

It was like he didn't hear me. "I can't be her hero any more either. I can't be anything for her except a fucked up mess."

"That isn't true. You can be everything to her that you were before. I'm sure she understands that it might take a little time, but you'll be ok." I wasn't sure why I was taking Rachel's side here, but it seemed important. Finn had to understand that he wasn't damaged goods, at least not to me.

"It is true!" His shout was made even louder by the otherwise silent world we had found ourselves in. "I can't give her what I did before, because I'm not the same person. You and Mom and everyone keeps saying that I am but I'm not, and I can't keep pretending that I am. You have to understand, Kurt, I'm not." By the end his anger had cooled, leaving a broken sadness in its place.

Obviously, this was causing him distress, so I sat back and thought about the appropriate reply. Because, if I was being completely honest? Finn was right. Part of his charm had always been how naïve he was, the easy way he dealt with people, because everyone was his friend. It never occurred to Finn that people would deliberately do him harm. He had learned his lesson there, in the most painful and brutal way possible. He would never make the mistake of being too trusting again, and in learning that lesson, he had lost part of who he had been.

That doesn't mean you can't appreciate who he is now. All Finn wants is to know that his family still cares about him, no matter what's happened, and that they don't expect him to be anything except himself. His wonderful, goofy, sometimes skittish, sometimes perfect self.

Finn was still looking at me, though, his eyes asking me for the correct reply. I looked back, trying not to notice how close our faces had gotten. "I'm sorry that we've been making you feel that way, Finn. You know that we all love you, and we want you to be yourself. You shouldn't feel like you have to pretend to be someone that you aren't, just to make us happy."

He shrugged, but I could see a shadowy relief in the back of his eyes. "Rach won't think so. She wants me to be perfect. I wasn't perfect before, and I'm sure not now."

These were all the things that I had imagined him saying for nearly a year. Rachel wanted Finn to be a combination of every Broadway leading man and a perfect house husband. She didn't want him to have a personality or opinions of his own. But I couldn't come out and say any of that. Finn had to come to these conclusions on his own, and he was doing a good job of it.

"Well, at least talk to her. It's ok if you don't want to be in an actual relationship with her, but she's missed you so much. Just tell her that you want to be friends for right now."

He smiled at me. "Yeah, that would be good. I'll just tell her that, you know, I'm not ready to be with her." He brightened. "She probably won't want to be with me any more anyway."

"Why not?" Not that I wasn't secretly hoping that she would get back with Jessie, or Jacob Ben Israel, or anyone but Finn, but I didn't want him to end up hurt.

"When she finds out the truth about what happened, you know, all of it, she's not going to want to be with me any more. She's as big into, like, purity and shit as Quinn was."

Oh no, this was not going well. "Finn, you know what happened to you doesn't count, right? Your first time will still be with the person you choose to be with, and don't let anyone tell you different."

"But it won't be. She won't see it that way, and she's right." He was miserable. "I mean, it can still be awesome to be with someone else, probably, but it won't be the first time. Rach is great, but I don't think that she'll understand that. She'll look at me and know that there's something wrong with me. She'll know that I'm…gross now."

"You aren't." The answer was reflexive, but at least it bought me a little time to think. Finn had suffered so much, from the kidnapping, to Puck's murder, to the trauma of having to adjust back to his new life and family. He was so closed mouthed about his feelings that I had almost forgotten about the sexual trauma he had undergone. Well, not forgotten exactly, but it had just sort of gone to the back of my mind.

But it was obviously at the front of Finn's. This was shaky ground, and I was suddenly afraid that I would make things even worse, no matter what I said. I reached out and took his hand, just to buy myself a little time. "Rachel will understand that you have different needs now, and she'll go along with it, no matter what pace you want." Actually, I wasn't sure about that, since Rachel only moves at Rachel's pace, but it seemed important to make Finn understand.

He squeezed gently. "It's not that. I still want to, it's just…Rach is all like the Virgin Mary or something. Even, before everything happened, it seemed like it would be weird to actually do anything with her. She's like that sort of doll that you don't play with, you just put it on a shelf and talk about how pretty it is and perfect it is. It's not real. You can't count on it for anything. Anyway, Santana."

I wasn't touching that one with a 40 foot pole. "Rachel wants what's best for you, Finn." My voice was higher then usual, strained by what I was trying to convey.

"I know. And I'm really, really, grateful that she does. But…she can't handle anyone's problems but her own. She tries, at least sometimes, but…" He trailed off and shrugged. "She's selfish."

This was the perfect opportunity to tear Rachel apart, but I didn't. That wouldn't serve any purpose at all but to make Finn feel worse. He rambled on, never meeting my eyes, just talking at the worn out boards of our back porch. "I mean, it's not like I didn't know that before, but I didn't care either. Probably because I was selfish, too. But things are different now, and…I don't know, things are different."

"Nothing gold can stay." I repeated my thought from earlier, barely aware that my lips were moving.

"That's pretty. Is it from that Wicked musical you're always blabbing about?" He was now leaning contentedly against me. Even though I knew it was wrong, I rested my head on his arm and smelled deeply. His smell was different then it had been Before, but not in a way I could quite put my finger on.

"No, it's Frost." At his confused look, I tried to clarify. "Robert Frost, the poet?"

"Oh." He clearly had no idea what I was talking about, but was trying, and it was all that I could ask for.

Then he dove in for the kill. "Would you still love me?"

I choked on thin air. "Excuse me?"

"You know almost everything that happened to me. Would you still love me, and still want to be with me, even though you know all that?"

I couldn't tell if he was serious or not. Well, yes, he was serious, but whether he was coming on to me, or just thinking out loud. "Yes."

"She wouldn't. I guess you love me more then she does." It was a surprising comment, and made me look at him. He stared at me, the reflection of the motion light turning his eyes into nothing but bright white spots.

Perfect moment! Hello, Kurt? Kiss him! If you miss this moment, I swear to Gaga I will smother you in your sleep tonight!

Before I could either move or tell that voice to go fuck itself, Finn made the choice for me. We were so close that all he had to do was lean a few inches forward, and press his lips to mine. No tongue, no teeth, he didn't even touch the rest of my body, but there were plenty of fireworks. This was what I had been waiting for for almost two years.

Well, are you going to kiss him back? Kurt! Hello! Do I have to do everything in this relationship?

The moment was over anyway, and Finn had drawn back to stare at me. I knew he wanted something, but I had no idea what it was.

My brain had stopped functioning. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know." From the tone of his voice, I could totally believe it. "I just…I don't know."

Pushing at this point would accomplish nothing but upsetting him. "Oh."

"It's not cause I think that you'll fix me or anything. Or cause I want to get rid of Rach. It's just that…is it ok for me to like you because you're you, and because you've been, like, super nice to me?"

This was more of a 'thinking out loud' ramble then an actual declaration of love, but I was willing to take it. Actually, I had a sneaking suspicion that I had been quite the topic of conversation between Finn and his therapist. That he was only wanting me because I he thought I had the power to fix him was more introspective then Finn would have come up with on his own. "It's ok for you to like whoever you want to. What I think, or what Rachel thinks, or what our parents think is immaterial."

"It's immaterial for you to care whether I like you or not? What does that word mean again? Because I'm pretty sure that it isn't what I think it does."

"Immaterial means that it doesn't matter, because it doesn't. Your feelings are yours, and they can't be wrong. It doesn't matter if I return them or not." It was what I had wanted him to say to me, so long ago.

"Do you? You did once, but that was a long time ago." He shifted back so he was leaning on his elbows. "I get it if you don't."

I leaned back myself and smiled at him, getting a shaky smile in return. "You know I do."

"Cool" I shivered a little in the cool air, and he pulled me up. "Come on, you're cold."

That hadn't really been a cold shiver, but I was willing to let him think that it was. I paused to reset the alarm. "How did you get the code, anyway?"

"Dude, I'm not that stupid. All I had to do was watch you and your Dad turn the alarm on or off. I had to know, so I could get out if I needed to." He was halfway down the steps by now.

Why hadn't I though of that? Furthermore, why had none of us thought to give Finn the code in the first place? He wasn't a prisoner in our house, but I could see where he would feel like one. But it was for his own good. If Finn was out and wandering around loose, the Wrights could have come back and taken him again.

I don't think that you keeping him a prisoner in his own home if much better then them keeping him a prisoner in theirs. What have I been telling you over and over? Hold Finn with a loose hand, and he'll stay. Try and clutch him, and he'll melt through your fingers.

Finn was standing between the two beds, his eyes questioning. "Where do I sleep?"

I sat on my bed. "What happens now?" Hearing that what had just happened had been a momentary slip in Finn's otherwise heterosexual proclivities would hurt, but I could get over it. But if this went any further…

"Bedtime." He seemed confused that I was even asking. "Unless you wanted to talk more, or something."

"No, I mean between you and me. You can't just kiss me then expect that things won't change between us." I kept my voice a monotone. If Finn wanted to destroy me, he could, and there would be nothing I could do to stop it.

He sighed. "Oh. I don't know."

This was like pulling teeth. "What to you mean, you don't know? If you don't know, why did you kiss me in the first place?"

"Because I wanted to. I just…I had to see if it would be different, if I would like kissing a guy because I wanted to. I didn't like it when Joseph made me kiss him, but I thought that maybe it was just because he was a douche. Also, he didn't brush his teeth as often as he should have.

At least I had oral hygiene going for me. Then the rest of what Finn had said hit me with the force of a freight train. He had wanted to see if kissing a man would be ok if he wanted to do it. So, Finn had wanted to kiss me. The thought was so stunning that my vocal cords, along with every other part of my body, froze up.

While I sat there frozen, Finn kept speaking. "It was different. Which is cool, because, you know, I'm already screwed up. I don't to be completely ruined."

My voice finally unlocked. "So let me get this straight. You kissed me, because you wanted to see if kissing a man felt better when you were the one making the moves, rather then having it forced on you."

"Kind of. But mostly because I wanted to, and because it felt right." He sat on his own bed and watched me, his eyes dark. "When I try to plan stuff, it gets all fucked up. Then shit happens and all my plans are ruined anyway. So I'm just going to go with the flow."

"By kissing me." It was so incredible that I had to keep repeating the point.

"Yeah. Why, did you not like it? I mean, I can do better, but it's not cool to use tongue the first time. The first time should be gentle and romantic and shit." Now he seemed worried. "If you didn't like it, it's fine. We can just pretend it didn't happen and go back to being brothers."

Kurt, if you let this opportunity pass us up, I will murder you.

"No! No, I liked it. You just surprised me. After all, I didn't think you were…that you had any interest in guys." I was determined to avoid the 'G' word at all costs. 'Bisexual' was out, too. Both of those words would scare him too much; make him run before any of this ever got started.

He doesn't need another label. He already has plenty of them. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Selective Mute. Rape Victim. Kidnap Victim. None of those things tell you a damn about who he actually is, just the things that have happened to him. Just love him for who he is, the parts of him that don't have or need a label.

He shrugged. "I didn't either. But I guess I do." He was calm about it, shockingly calm.

I couldn't resist putting in a little dig. "And that doesn't bother you? Because it sure seemed to bother you before you left."

"No it didn't. I never cared that you were gay, Dude." He seemed genuinely confused, but Finn is a better actor then he sometimes gets credit for.

"Is that true, Finn?" Was it true? Everything that had happened in that last week or so was confused in my mind, blocked out by the trauma that had followed. Had Finn turned on me or had it been my own fault? As hard as I tried, I couldn't remember.

He squirmed. "Well…."

If it was unclear in my mind, it didn't seem to be in his. I pushed the advantage. "Finn?"

"It's not that I didn't still like you, cause I did, and it's not that I, like, thought that someone should hurt you or anything, cause that's just sucky, but…" He trailed off, and now the guilt was back full force in his eyes. "It was just kind of weird. You know, thinking about what gay guys did together. Then you were all in my face all the time and it freaked me out. That's not a good thing, and I'm sorry, but it did. You were acting like you would hurt me."

"I wouldn't have." It was important that Finn understand that, to know that I was different.

"I know. What you did and what he did….it wasn't the same. But I was scared, and I acted like a jerk. I said I was sorry."

"Apology accepted. And, you were right, I guess I could see where I wasn't helping matters any." It hurt to admit, but I wanted Finn and I to be able to start fresh, without the old insecurities or actions plaguing us.

"Yeah, well, I guess I could have just said that I didn't want to. Would that have helped?"

"Probably. But it doesn't matter now. You were right before when you said that everyone was wrong. Neither of us behaved well, and now we've made our peace with ourselves and each other." It was freeing to admit that.

"Does that mean we don't have to talk about it any more? That we're cool now?" Finn was heartbreakingly hopeful. He didn't really hold grudges, and he hated having a grudge held against him.

"Yes, Finn, it means we're cool." I barely got the words out before he jumped across the beds and gave me an enthusiastic hug. Then he pulled back and held out a fist.

I might be gay, and I might have gone through my entire childhood with a complete lack of friends, but I knew an invitation for a fist bump when I saw one. So I bumped back, delighting in the way it made Finn smile. "So, where are you sleeping?"

"My bed." He didn't' sound as confident as he probably wanted to, but I chose not to mention it. "Now that…I just don't want there to be any confusion and shit." He smiled at me, but it was a strained, nervous, smile.

I was confused, but I didn't want him to see that. "Whatever makes you the most comfortable. If you change your mind, though, you're welcome to come over."

"Kay." He snuggled into his own bed, shifting around until the covers were exactly how he liked them, and laying one arm over Wolf. I raised an eyebrow at him. "You are the fussiest person when it comes you your bed, I swear to Prada."

One eye opened. "Well, I spend 10 hours a night in it. I might as well be comfortable."

Simple, irrefutable logic. "All right. I'll see you tomorrow."

The eye closed again. "Am I still going to Mr. Shue's?"

I had forgotten about that. Carole and I were going to go out to eat, followed by me helping her choose some nice outfits for dates with my father. Now that they had been going out for a while, he really needed to step up his game and take her to some nicer places. Also, I was hoping that we could go on a family vacation. Somewhere nice and with good shopping and I was still damning the fact that Rachel Berry got to go to France and I didn't. There was no justice in the world, I swear.

"Kurt?" Finn sounded half asleep, but he was with me enough to repeat his question. "I still get to go, right? This whole thing didn't fuck that up or anything?"

"No, you're going. Just lunch this time, but I'm sure the two of your will have a good afternoon." Finn had become so suspicious of everyone's motives since he had come back. To him, any good thing offered was only being dangled in front of him so it could be snatched away or used to further manipulate him.

"Good." He rolled over contentedly so his back was to me. "Night, Kurt."

"Night, Cowboy." His breathing grew even very quickly, turning to soft snores and mumbles. I stayed awake, thinking about everything that had happened, and what it meant now. The fact that Finn had kissed me still had my lips tingling, and I was afraid that if I went to sleep, I would wake up and find out that none of this had actually happened.

But what did that actually mean? Finn was clear that he had kissed me because he liked me, and because he had wanted to, but that didn't necessarily mean that he was sexually attracted to me. Finn was a lovey, kissy sort of guy.

No, Finn used to be a lovey, kissy, sort of guy. Now he's a skittish, 'don't touch me' sort of guy. Except where you're concerned. You know what this means, deep down. Just relax and let it happen.

It wasn't until I was almost asleep that Finn's words came back to me. I just don't want there to be any confusion and shit. What that actually meant was that Finn was afraid that if he got in bed with me after kissing me, I would expect more then he was willing to give. It hurt, but I had to keep reminding myself that it was nothing personal.

Laying there in the darkness, I bit my lip, thinking over all that this was going to entail. Loving Finn no longer meant just loving Finn. It meant loving him, and accepting his new limitations, that there were things he might never feel comfortable doing. It meant that I had to understand that the Finn I had fallen in love with was gone, replaced by this new person. I could love this person as well, I already did, but the changes were something we both had to come to terms with. Chronologically, I still had two months on Finn, but, by sheer virtue of surviving, he had somehow become older then me.

Not more mature by any stretch of the imagination, but older. He didn't act like a 17 year old boy should, and he probably never would. He wouldn't be as reckless, or as carefree, but maybe those weren't bad things. Maybe those were things that would help Finn slow down and evaluate his situation better, rather then flying off the handle at imagined slights.

Finn twitched and mumbled softly to himself. I listened closely, but I couldn't understand him. Maybe there was nothing to understand. This was Finn, after all. For the most part, what you saw was what you got, especially since he had started talking again.

Of course he is. You knew all along that he was going to kiss you tonight. Bullshit. Finn's far more mysterious then you give him credit for, Kurt. But you know that, don't you? Deep down, you know that. And, because you know it, you know what you have to do.

Yes to both of those things. I knew what I was doing, and even when I didn't, doing anything was better then doing nothing, right? Right. Maybe.

Right before I fell asleep, I leaned over and whispered "I love you, Finn" to the other side of the room. There was no response, but that was alright. There would come a time for me to say that, and Finn to say it back without fear. I could wait.

Finally, he gets it.