Buffy sat up with a groan, blinking in confusion at the fluorescent lighting around her before she heard a voice say gently, "Relax yourself- I hear it was quite a fight."
"Where am I?" she asked blankly, turning her head to see what appeared to be a nurse.
"At New York State hospital," the woman smiled kindly "The press is dying to see you but we've told them you'll need to be kept for observation for at least another 24 hours."
"The press?" Buffy asked blankly, trying without success to figure out what was going on, frustrated when the nurse just nodded, oblivious to her confusion. She looked around the room slowly, eyes resting on the TV perched on the wall. "Can I turn that on?" she asked after a moment, not waiting for an answer as the grabbed for the remote control. She sighed in frustration as an old cartoon show popped up before continuing to flip stations, paused as she hit upon a station broadcasting news and saw one of the men who she clearly remembered rendering unconscious in the battle talking to the channel five news team amid the wreckage they had wrought.
"So, obviously, we all think she's gone crazy," he was saying vehemently. "Like, totally whacked, trying to help demons and vampires. But then, when I saw that vamp turn into a human being, I'm telling you, it was like a sign from God that we were the wrong ones. I couldn't believe it. Like, one second he's all- well, vampy, and the next thing we know he's breathing- and then there was the whole thing where Mr. Rayne lied to her about her kids- it just didn't make any sense at all-"
Buffy frowned in confusion, flipping the station only to hear a news anchor say, "And in a shocking turn of events Ethan Rayne has been arrested for a host of crimes, including murder, arson, forgery, slander, libel, manslaughter, involuntary manslaughter, robbery, illegal and unwarranted use of witchcraft, discrimination against minorities-"
Buffy flipped the station again, head spinning, and dropped the remote control with a thud as she saw Angel, mobbed by reporters shoving their microphones in his face as he said uneasily, looking more uncomfortable than she had ever seen him, than she had in fact even realized was possible, "No, I REALLY have no comment. Excuse- please excuse me-"
"I don't understand," she said aloud as they continued to shout questions that he didn't answer, using some words she couldn't understand that she assumed must be Japanese. "What's Shang shu? And- why is he showing up on camera?" she continued slowly.
"Oh!" The nurse chirped. "I forgot. They said you lost consciousness before it happened."
"Before what happened?" Buffy asked slowly as the unfathomable image onscreen cut to a television studio.
"Before that vampire turned into a human being. I hear there was lightning and- OH GOD!" the nurse screamed as Buffy fell off the bed with a heavy thud.
Angel looked on from beneath the shade of a tree as Buffy stepped out in front of the city hall, both children in her arms, looking ready to topple over under their weight, and he marveled at how someone that small could be so strong.
He contemplated stepping out into the sun to be able to see her better, frustrated with himself for feeling uncomfortable doing so, as though the shadows were still his home even though he could step forward now if he wanted to.
He pulled back further as she glanced his way, seeming to look right through him and making him fear for a moment that she had seen him, and he held his breath as she squinted almost desperately before looking almost mournfully away. She closed her eyes for a moment, seeming to collect herself before stepping forward toward a makeshift podium to speak into the microphone.
"Um- hi," she began uncertainly, blinking at the crowd in front of her. "I- uh, am really grateful for all of your support and for the fact that justice has been served here. I'm just- really grateful," she repeated, hugging her children a bit closer before continuing with quiet vehemence. "The past few years have been pretty awful, but with everything that's happened now, I've been able to take comfort in the fact that I know my husband would have been proud. My only regret is that he isn't here to see it-"
And as he heard her mention Giles, something shifted slightly inside Angel, and without really hearing what else she might be saying he turned and began to walk away, thinking only that at least he could spare her the pain and confusion of trying to deal with him and his countless issues as she started her new life with her family. He couldn't bring himself to make her worry about any other complications. And somehow he didn't think he would survive watching her try to make herself feel things for him after all these years- seeing her eventual acknowledgement that the past few days had been little more than one giant mistake- seeing the look in her eyes as she realized that-
Angel spared one last look over his shoulder before he walked away into the sunlight.
Buffy looked down at her outfit nervously, pulling down self consciously on the black knee length skirt she was wearing and suddenly wishing vehemently that it was just one inch longer before knocking on the wooden, cheap looking motel door. She crumpled the piece of scrap paper she'd written the address on and allowed it to flutter to the ground before pushing her sunglasses up half an inch higher on her nose before the door swung open to reveal a very shirtless Angel.
"Can I come in?" she inquired shortly, forcing herself to ignore her heart's instinctual leap as he nodded mutely, stepping aside and yanking on a shirt as she kicked the door roughly closed behind her.
Angel looked at Buffy uncertainly as she took stock of the dimly lit room, pushing her sunglasses up so that they rested on her forehead as she walked in a slow circle, running her hand lightly over the wall, each movement so cool and controlled that it frightened him.
"Well," she said finally after what seemed like hours but he realized couldn't really have been more than a few seconds, "I have to give credit where it's due- even with the whole pesky humanity thing you can still vanish better than anyone I know. Took me six days to even figure out if you'd headed north or south, and believe me, people were willing to help."
"I didn't leave until I was sure you and your children-" he began but with one look at the withering glare on her face he cut himself off, gulping and looking down at the floor, trying to brace himself for whatever she might try to say, stunned when there was just a long, painful moment of silence followed by a biting, sarcastic,
"I can't even tell you how touched I am that you cared."
The room fell silent again, and Angel wondered if she were trying to give him time to say something, to explain himself in some way. He wondered if he should before deciding he didn't even know where he would start, or what he could ever say to make her understand.
"I mean," she continued, voice breaking in what anyone else might have perceived as anger but he correctly identified as a sob, "It's pretty selfish of me to want to see you at all, right? Selfish of me to have come here. You're ready to start your new life, it's totally understandable that you want to be as far away from the woman who scars everything she touches as possible, but honestly, Angel- would it have killed you to let me see you?"
"I-" He began slowly, incredulously, swallowing with difficulty past the lump in his throat and for the first time hating his newfound humanity as it made him feel like his heart had stopped beating. "I didn't think you would want to see me. If I-" he swallowed again, hating that he needed to take a breath before he could finish, "If I was wrong about that, I apologize."
"Yeah," she said hollowly, shaking her head in disbelief. "You were always good at apologizing. Too bad you never quite mastered the skill of not ripping someone's heart out to begin with."
Angel looked at her in disbelief, feeling like someone had cut his own heart out before replying with difficulty, "I do want your forgiveness. For all of it. I know I don't deserve it-"
"Oh whatever," she said, in that same unfeeling, unnatural tone of voice. "Sure, okay? I forgive you, one hundred percent."
"No," he said slowly, taking a hesitant step toward her. "Really- I need to know that-"
"Why didn't you love me?" she asked abruptly, not seeming to know or care that she was changing the topic, and his head snapped back in disbelief at the question.
"I don't understand-" he began slowly and she bit her lip slightly, showing uncertainty for the first time since entering as she took a few steps forward before shaking her head and meeting his eyes.
"I'm not asking why you don't love me anymore- I don't really want to know and it doesn't matter. People fall out of love, whatever." She smiled sardonically. "Well, not really whatever, but I can accept that. It's life." She gulped, eyes fluttering downward before she continued, "And I'm not asking why you didn't tell me about the shanshu prophesy thing when you found out- we had been over for a while by then and I can understand that you wouldn't have wanted to commit your humanity to me." She shook her head. "I- understand why you don't want to now," she continued in a whisper, a single tear falling down her cheek. He fought the overwhelming urge to leap forward and crush her to him, tell her everything he'd been thinking and fearing and never let her go again.
"But-" she whispered slowly, interrupting his thoughts, "Why didn't you love me then? And why didn't you just have the courage to tell me instead of making me hope?"
"Buffy," he said, voice heavy with emotion, "If you never believe anything else, believe that I loved you then more than I ever have or ever will love anything."
"Please don't lie now," she said softly, voice slightly scratchy as she wrapped her arms around herself, swaying slightly to the side, looking younger and more uncertain than he would have dreamed possible, after all she'd gone through, after all this time. "All those things you said- 'Oh Buffy, I need to protect you! Oh Buffy I need you to have a normal life! Oh Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy'" she mocked harshly, before narrowing her eyes.
His head snapped up at her sarcasm, and to his amazement she abruptly pulled back and punched him hard, letting out a small sob as he fell backward.
"I know I deserve-" he began as he felt blood start to pour from his lip, and she shook with barely suppressed rage, curling her fists at her sides in what he had to assume was a supreme effort not to hit him again.
"Yes! Yes you do deserve it!" she exclaimed, breath coming out in harsh pants before she continued. "You sorry self serving bastard! All that time that I really thought-" her voice broke again as she continued, emotionally, "I actually believed- and really you only left because you were mad we couldn't have sex."
He flinched at the unbelievable unfairness of her words as he looked at her in consternation, wondering where the words had come from and what the chances were that she had really lost her mind before he said firmly. "You know that is NOT true."
"It is," she said dully. "It took me a long time to understand because it wasn't like that for me. I wanted YOU. In a very real, very PATHETICALLY young way, I wanted YOU. And you can stand there and tell me you wanted me to have a normal life all you want, but if I believe you then I also have to admit to myself that you're just-" she stopped, looking around her, seeming unable to find words that would accurately express what she was feeling before finally snapping "a total idiot!" She stopped abruptly, smirking cruelly. "Which is worse, lover?" she purred. "To be in love with a total idiot or a selfish, self-serving bastard?"
"I don't know," he said weakly and for a second he thought she was going to punch him again but she didn't, just pressed her lips together thoughtfully, lower lip trembling.
"Neither do I."
She was silent and Angel took a deep breath, shocked when he realized he had actually needed it before venturing a single step toward her. She didn't step away.
"I loved you that way too," he said softly. "Whether you believe me or not, I loved you that way too, more than you could ever know."
"No," she shook her head, lower lip trembling. "If you did you wouldn't have left me. We would have made it work, I know we could have and then-" and he flinched at how unexpectedly young and vulnerable she looked again, suddenly.
"Life's not like that, Buffy. Loving like that isn't enough."
"How do you know when you wouldn't even try?" She said, a small sob escaping her as she sank to her knees, all that had happened in the past two weeks catching up to her in one moment as she began to cry in earnest.
"Do you want me to tell you I wanted you so badly that every time I saw you I thought I would die from it?" he asked abruptly, switching tactics as he dropped to the ground beside her. "Do you want me to tell you that no, I don't think I would have made it another year- another month- without slamming you up against a wall and making you scream my name?" He stopped, gulping, and crouched down in front of her, meeting her eyes. "Do you want me to pretend I didn't want your body? Fine. But don't ever ask me to pretend that I could ever have wanted your body that much without wanting your heart more. And don't ever pretend to me that you didn't want a boyfriend who breathed and could touch you-"
"I didn't, I swear I didn't," she cried out, sobbing openly now. "You're so stupid, you've always been so stupid… do you think I didn't want to die every time I saw you too? Kissing you was agony, because I wanted to do more and I couldn't, do you think I don't know? But I didn't want to- with anyone else- I mean, I would have rather not at all, I swear I would have-"
"I know. But- Buffy. Say we had decided to just both be celibate for the rest of our lives. Do you honestly think that we could have been celibate… together?"
"YES!" she cried out. "YES!" and he was struck again by how young she still was, tried to fight what it was making him feel.
"I couldn't," he said slowly, definitely before continuing, reaching out a tentative hand to grab her hand and stunned when she grasped onto it instead of pulling away. "It was my weakness. Is that what you want me to say?" he asked in a defeated tone even as his fingers twined with hers. "That I'm weak and a coward? I am. I've always known it. Do you want me to say you're stronger than me? I've always known that, too- but I also know you wanted a normal boyfriend. You told me it was all you'd ever dreamed of- going to sleep at night in the arms of your normal boyfriend."
"I would never have said that," she said dully, certainly, as she slowly pushed up off the floor and let go of his hand.
"You did say it, when-" he stopped abruptly, suddenly wanting to bang his head against something sharp. "Never mind."
"I would never have said that," she repeated, with more conviction. "And I know I would never have said it, because it would never have been true." She paused, seeming to genuinely contemplate. "I never, ever would have said that, because all I ever wanted, really, was you."
"I wasn't good enough," he said flatly.
"Oh no," she said, anger, building again. "No, NO, no! You do NOT have the right to do the pity thing. You WERE good enough. Even if you weren't, I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT TO DECIDE THAT! Your issues," she spit out in disgust, "should not have been MY problem. I loved you! And you just… you just decided for me, and I didn't-" she took a deep breath, then met his eyes. "Let's get one thing straight. If someone had ever told me that I could have all the normal in the world, no more evil, no more vamps, no more anything at all- the only condition was I never would have met you- I would have said no."
He flinched. "Then you're a fool."
And suddenly she laughed a, desperate, harsh sound that stopped as abruptly as it had begun. "I may be love's bitch," she said bitterly with a smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes, "But at least I'm man enough to admit it."