The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. ~Marcelene Cox
At some point between 3 and seven this morning, Finn decided to crawl in bed with me after all. That wasn't particularly surprising. What was surprising, however, was the fact that he had managed to do it without waking me up. Finn might be growing into himself, but for now he was still all arms and legs, clumsy and awkward. Not to mention, I was skittish and startled awake easily. By all rights, he should have woken me up as soon as he touched the comforter. But I hadn't, so it was a shock to wake up this morning with my head on Finn's chest, feeling his breathing quicken as he dreamed.
I patted his back, and got a soft sigh in response. His rapid breathing slowed, though, and I hoped that, whatever he was dreaming about, it had become more pleasant.
Maybe it was pleasant to start with. After all, we both know that nightmares aren't the only sort of dreams that cause panting like that…
A part of me wanted to pretend I had no idea what that meant, while the other was busy blushing an amazing shade of red. That was something I had never even considered, but it probably needed to be thought about. You really couldn't put two 17 year old boys in the same bed night after night, and not have…well, to use Finn's crude terminology 'something pop up'. I felt almost dizzy at the thought. Finn didn't even like taking his shirt off in front of me, much less anything else. Even now he was wearing a long sleeved shit and sweats, despite the relative warmth of the basement. He had insisted on changing after we came back it, adding more layers in a belated attempt to protect himself from what he was been discussing. Sex had gone from 'hell yeah!' to the thing he didn't even want to acknowledge existed.
That damage could be permanent. If you want to try this thing with Finn, and I'm not saying not to, but if you want to, you need to do a little research first. For Prada's sake, this is what the internet was invented for! Or talk to his therapist. She can tell you about whether or not this is a good idea.
Samantha couldn't discuss Finn, she had told us that the very first day. Too bad, because I could use a professional's opinion on this.
No, no, you misunderstood. What I was actually trying to say, in the nicest possible way, was that making an appointment with the therapist for yourself is not the worst idea ever. Then you can ask about Finn, without directly asking about Finn. Plus, I think a little head work would do you some good. And, yes, before you make some snarky comment, I did mean both kids of head work.
That was gross. And true. While I was still thinking about it, Finn stirred and woke up. Then he squinted at the clock and groaned. "Kurt? It's too fucking early. How come you're awake?"
"I have things to take care of before your mother and I leave for our shopping. You can go back to sleep, though." From the way his eyelids were drooping, I could tell that it wouldn't be a long journey.
"You'll be ok? You'll wake me up if you need me?" He was already rearranging himself on the bed, snuggling deeply into-hey, was that my pillow? Sure enough, Finn had left his own pillow on his bed, and decided to share mine.
Oh, like you care.
I chose to ignore that. "I will absolutely wake you up if I need you. If not, I'll get you up around 10."
He gave a sleepy grumble and snuggled back down, his breathing going slow and even. "Ok, then."
My laptop was fully charged, and I took it upstairs to do a little research. Dad's car was gone, so he must have been at work. I grabbed a grapefruit and sliced it expertly while the computer booted up, thinking lazily. Once I was done eating breakfast, I wiped my fingers on a premoistened towelette and opened Google. Now, what was I supposed to search? Taking a deep breath, I goggled 'dating a rape victim'.
9 million hits. There were 9 million different sites about the ins and outs of dating someone who had been sexually assaulted. Because it happened that often. My stomach rolled, even though I already knew it. My previous research on kidnapping had led me to more then a few sites on sexual assault, and I had always had a good memory for numbers. One in four girls, and one in six boys would be sexually assaulted before they reached the age of 18. So yeah, that was more then 9 million right there.
I sifted through the sites, coming up with nothing applicable. Most of the sites were geared towards men who were dating women, so I narrowed the search to 'dating a male rape victim'.
That was better. Barely a million hits, but there were plenty of them the focused on gay relationships. None of them told me anything that my instincts hadn't, though. Go slowly, always listen and allow them an out, and don't focus too much on the past. That as long as I respected Finn and what he needed, there was no reason we couldn't have a normal relationship, including sex. At least one had message boards that offered support for both parties. Should I?
Deciding that I needed to at least try, I signed up and got myself a screen name. Without revealing too many details, I noted that I was a 17 year old boy, and the boy that I was interested in had suffered multiple sexual assaults over a period of 6 months. I noted that he had kissed me, and that I was very interested in having a relationship with him, but that I wasn't sure how to approach things. I did not mention that this would be a pseudo-incestuous relationship, not did I note that I had never had a relationship of any sort. I also said nothing about the kidnapping itself. Not only were those unneeded additions, but they might make Finn too identifiable. Plus, it was kind of depressing .
I figured that it would take a while to get any replies, so scanned over the other posts, curious about other people's experiences. Some of the posts were like mine, asking for advice for a brand new partner, some were from men whose long time partners had been assaulted. I appeared to be the youngest one posting. Was that because other teenagers just didn't know about their boyfriends pasts? Or did most people just find a different guy?
There was a sound on the steps, and I scrawled the address down, quickly deleting my history. I doubted that Finn would bother looking, since he couldn't even remember to delete his own history, but I didn't want to take any chances.
Carole appeared, smiling gently at me. "Morning, baby. Have you laid out a plan of attack for today?"
Please. I had laid out the plan of attack as soon as she agreed to the shopping trip. "I thought that we could hit some of the outlet malls before lunch, just for some basics, then eat an early lunch, then go to some of the more upscale places. That way we'll have enough time to do everything and still pick Finn up on time."
"That sounds wonderful." She rummaged around in the fridge. "Is your brother moving around down there?"
Hearing her call Finn 'your brother' made me realize that, if I did decide to pursue something with Finn, it would affect not only us, but Dad and Carole as well. "He woke up when I did, but I think he went back to sleep."
Was it my imagination, or was her gaze lingering on me just a little too long? I wondered what she wasn't saying, and insecurities surged back up. "You do want to go with me, right? It's ok if you don't." Even though I tried to sound like I didn't care, I could hear the misery in my voice.
"Of course I want to go with you. I've never met anyone who knows as much about fashion and making someone look good as you do. Plus, you and I are family now, and we need to get to know each other better."
I looked down so she wouldn't see the tears that had popped up in my eyes. "Good."
"That teacher of yours said that he would be glad to take Finn at 9:30. I wasn't sure if either one of you would be awake then, so I told him I would give him a call."
Figuring that Dad could be trusted to heat up the casserole while Carole and I drove home, and we would eat about 6, one hour for lunch….8 hours of pure shopping. Damn, I loved life some days. "Finn will be up and ready to leave this house by 9:15, I swear it on my life."
She chuckled. "I believe it. Do you want me to make you some breakfast?"
"I ate, but thank you."
She glanced over at my plate. "Did you eat anything besides a piece of fruit?" At my guilty head shake, she clucked her tongue. "Kurt, if we are going to shop all day, you're going to need more fuel then that. How about some eggs?"
At least she was offering the good kind of cholesterol. "Sunny side up?" I could make them myself, but it was tricky, and one of those things that I sometimes really wanted someone else to do for me.
"Of course. Three?" Carole was always after me to eat more, even though I ate the right amount for my size. She was just so used to feeding Finn that normal portions looked tiny to her.
"Two please." I poured myself a glass of milk and set it at my place. "I'm going to go wake Finn up." He wouldn't be happy, but it was almost 8:30, and he was going to need to take a shower and be ready to go out the door in the next 45 minutes.
Still, he looked so sweet lying there, completely relaxed and snuggled into my comforter. I reached out and shook his shoulder. "Finn? Time to wake up."
He grumbled and pressed his face deeper into the pillow. I shook again. "Finn, if you don't get up, I'm sending you to Mr. Shue's hungry."
"He'll feed me." His eyes didn't open, but he was with me.
"Not if you don't shower. If you don't take a shower no one is going to want to be anywhere near you." I continued to shake his shoulder as hard as I could.
"You didn't care last night." He yawned his way though his words.
I couldn't deny that, so I went in a different direction and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Finn, I want to get an early start shopping with your mother. If you don't get up now, then we're going to be late, and I won't be able to do everything I want to. Will you please get up?"
"Ok." He sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "Cause you asked nice and everything."
Was that really all it took? Asking nicely and explaining the very reasonable reason why I wanted things to be done my way? "Take a quick shower while I eat, then get something for yourself. Your mother is not your slave, and she is not required to do your cooking for you."
"Is she cooking for you?" Finn is doing better about waking up quickly and getting into the swing of things.
"That isn't the point. The point is you, shower, now!" I tickled his stomach, making him laugh. Apparently touching him over the clothes was ok, something I filed away for future reference.
Once I was sure that Finn was actually going to get up and do what he had promised, I ran back upstairs to find Carole putting my eggs on a plate. "Perfect timing."
She sat down across the table, making sure that I ate. She didn't try to force the conversation, something that I appreciated. When Dad did that, it sometimes felt like he was ignoring me, but I was sure that Carole would be glad to speak to me if I wanted.
About the time I finished my eggs, Finn came racing up the stairs. He sidled up to Carole, looking as cute as possible. "Mom, will you make pancakes? Please?"
"Absolutely not. If you wanted pancakes, you should have gotten up earlier." Apparently as cute as possible didn't cut it this time.
Finn wasn't deterred. "But you can't do that! If I was supposed to get up early to get pancakes, you have to tell me that the night before. You don't change the rules in the middle of the game, it's not fair."
"When have you ever been allowed to get up a half hour before you need to leave and still get a special treat? You can have cereal or toast, take your pick. But we're leaving in a half hour whether you've eaten or not."
I would have thought that Finn would kick up a fuss, but he just gave an overdramatic sigh and grabbed a box of cereal out of the cabinet. I wondered if this was what things were usually like between them. Finn and Carole hadn't lived with us long enough Before for me to know. But if it was, this was a good sign. It meant that things were getting back to normal between them, and by extension, the rest of us.
I had had an outfit picked out since Carole had first suggested this outing, so it was a simple matter to run down and get changed. I made sure that my freckles were covered (taking care to keep an ear out for Finn, because I did not need him suddenly remembering, and bringing back up, the concealor issue) and tied a scarf around my neck.
"You look pretty." I jumped about a mile in the air, spinning to come face to face with Finn, who had somehow managed to come stealthily down the stairs. Shocking, considering that he usually hit the wall at least twice on his way down. "Dude pretty, though, not chick pretty."
I was just going to accept that compliment in the spirit it was given. "Thank you. Do you need help picking an outfit?" I always asked, and he indulged me about half the time.
"Sure."
Actually, now that I thought about it, I wasn't quite sure when Finn had started letting me choose his outfits. Not when he first came back, I was sure of it. It was only now, long after he first agreed, that I could see the gesture for what it was, which was a form of surrender. He was trusting me to make decisions for him, taking away a little bit of his independence. Considering how jealously he guarded that these days, it was a little shocking that I hadn't seen the magnitude of the gesture before.
I always tried to keep in mind that my fashion choices tended to be a little too…adventurous for Finn, and adjust myself accordingly, but the longing to put him in something that actually flattered him was always there. I walked over to his drawers and chose a dark pair of jeans and a grey long sleeved shirt with thin green stripes. Finn called it his Harry Potter shirt, for reasons I didn't quite follow. "Good?"
"Good." He took the clothes into the bathroom so he could change. Finn was changing, but he wasn't sure enough to let me see him undressed, even for a second.
"Wear the white and green Converses with that!" Why was it so hard for people to understand that shoes were a vital part of an outfit? Sometimes they were the vital part of an outfit.
"Yeah, yeah." It was an irritated grumble, and I backed off. There was no point in getting him all riled up right before we sent him somewhere else. "Did you tell Mr. Shue that I can talk now?"
"No, I thought you might like to tell him that yourself." Not to mention I was a little nervous about getting Mr. Shue all excited, only to have Finn choke at the last second.
"Yeah, that's good." He sounded incredibly pleased with the thought. "It's better if I tell him myself. He's going to be really, really excited."
Yes, he would. Finn was Mr. Shue's undisputed favorite, a designation that everyone else accepted for the most part, even if we slightly resented it. But Finn was so good natured about it all that it was hard to stay angry with him. Unlike a certain Ms. Berry, who was far more disliked…
Just leave her alone. Do you really want to revisit old rivalries this year, or would you rather just let it go, for Finn's sake. Hell, for everyone's sake. The rest of the Glee Club is probably a little tired of watching Clash of the Battling Divas. Remember this is for Finn.
Speaking of Finn, he had just come out of the bathroom, dressed and nicely groomed. He held out his arms, allowing me to check him out completely. "Good. You meet the Kurt Hummel seal of approval."
"That's a first." He sat down on the floor and put on his shoes, patiently tying, then retying them until he had it right. That was Finn for you. He was a little slow at times, but he just kept plugging along until he got it right.
"There's a first time for everything. Now, are you ready?" I held out my hand, curious about whether or not he would take it now, in the light of day.
He did. "I'm ready ready ready. You'll take good care of Mom, right? Make sure that everything goes good for her?"
It was cute that he was so protective of her. It was even more cute because I knew that he was going to corner Carole and ask her the same thing about me. Sure enough, he shot me a look out of the corner of his eye and gestured Carole over, whispering to her while I pretended to look for a jacket. She smiled and gave him a quick kiss.
Again, I was the one to take Finn up to Mr. Shue's apartment. He greeted us happily. "Morning, Kurt! You have the number if you need me. Finn, got a preference for movies?"
He drew a deep breath. "I brought Blades of Glory!"
Oh, please God, let him forget it here.
Mr. Shue broke into a huge smile. "Well look who's talking! I've missed that voice of yours, Finn."
"Yeah, I kind of missed it, too." With that Finn bounced past him. "Bye Kurt! Take care of Mom!"
Carole smiled at me when I got back in the car. "He do ok?"
I knew what she was really asking. "Chatting away with Mr. Shue."
"Good. Now, you'll have to give me some directions here. Unless you would rather drive?"
Dad hated for me to drive when he was riding. He said it was going to give him a heart attack, which is just not true. If anything is going to get his heart, it's the pork fat and bloomin' onions he insists on inhaling. "Really?"
She held out the keys. "Honey, riding with you can't be any worse then riding with Finn. At least you've never hit anyone."
"Finn hit someone?" I was already switching seats with her, just so she would have no excuse to change her mind.
"It was an accident, and don't tell him that I told you, but yes. Now, to be fair, the man jumped out from between two parked cars without looking where he was going, and Finn hadn't been driving long. No one was seriously hurt."
"I won't tell him that you told me, don't worry." It made me feel good to know that Carole and I had a secret. Not her and Dad, not her and Finn, but her and me. It was a feeling that I had almost forgotten, sharing something like that with my mother. Well, not my mother mother, but she was more to me then just being Finn's mom now. Better then a stepmother, almost. Then it got a little weird to think about, so I mentally changed the subject. "So, let's talk about you and what we're going to do with you today. I'm thinking some longer skirts, and a few nice dresses. Then Dad will have to take you to Canton or Cleveland, maybe even for a romantic weekend."
She smiled gently. "That would be lovely, but what would we do with you boys?"
"We're big boys; we can take care of each other for three days." At her meaningful look, I sighed. "Or maybe Mercedes would take us both?"
"We'll see about taking a family vacation during winter break. But I would like to look prettier for your father. You can choose where we eat for lunch, as well."
"Can we have Chinese?" I tried not to sound too excited, since acting like a five year old is never a good look, but I couldn't quite help it.
"Of course." By this time we were at the first outlet mall, so I found us a spot and parked. I kept close to her side as we walked in, always making sure that I could see exactly where she was. Finn had trusted me to take care of her, and I wasn't going to let him down.
Shopping at the first two places went very well, with us buying a few simple pieces and some jewelry. My father loved green, and those earrings would knock his socks off.
It wasn't until the third place and second hour of shopping, though, that things got interesting. I was standing quietly outside the dressing room, waiting for to see if that sweater highlighted her figure or just made her look like she was trying to be 25 again. Other women gave me slightly odd looks, but I stood firm. Apparently, now knowing how to dress was a congenital flaw in the Hudson family, one I was determined to rectify at all costs.
"Ok, how does it look?" She held out her arms and spun, looking exactly like Finn had earlier.
I gave it a critical eye. It looked great, but I was going to have to make sure that she paired it with dark slacks or a plain skirt. Otherwise she was going to look trampy. "Buy it."
"Alright." As she turned, another woman smiled at her. "Your son is just adorable. I wish my boy would come shopping with me."
Wait, these women thought that Carole was actually my mother? We both froze, staring at each other. Finally she recovered her voice. "I'm very blessed. Kurt, are you ready?"
"Yes C-M-C-Ma'am." I stuttered pathetically, realizing too late that calling her Carole would make me look stupid, but I couldn't call her 'mom' either. Blended families were confusing sometimes.
We were back in the car before she spoke again. "I'm sorry, Kurt, I didn't know what I should have said. How do you want me to handle things like that in the future?"
How did I want her to handle it? She wasn't my mother, but it was kind of nice to have someone think that she was. It did surprise me that she would want to claim me, though. Not many women wanted to deal with an obviously gay teenager, much less one that wasn't even theirs. "Well, in a situation like this, where we're never going to see them again anyway, you can tell them you're my mom. You know, if you want to." I could feel my face flaming, and I made myself look down. Now was the moment of truth. Did she only love me because I came as a package deal with Dad, or was there something more?
"I would like that. What would you like me to say with people we might see again? That you're my stepson? My boyfriends son?"
How about my son's boyfriend?
"Are you going to marry my father?" It was the first time I had had the courage to even think about it.
She blanched. "Well, I don't want to get ahead of things. With everything that's happened in the past few months, I think we need a little more time to bond as a family before we make any decisions like that."
"But if we're already bonding as a family, then aren't you two as good as married?" I had wanted to get rid of her at first, when I finally figured out that having her and Finn around meant having my fathers attention split three ways instead of just on me, but now I couldn't imagine life without them. We were a patchwork family, but a family just the same.
"I guess that's true. But, anyway, your father and I not getting married right now, because he hasn't asked me yet. So there's your answer."
I couldn't contest that. "Well, what if he asked? Would you say yes?"
Her face softened. "I don't know. I love your father very much, but it's not just him and me. I would need to talk to both you and Finn, and see how you boys felt about it. If we all felt good about moving forward, yes, I would marry your father." She was trying to be as diplomatic as possible.
"Oh." Luckily, I was merging into traffic, so I had an excuse to drop the line of conversation. "Can we stop for lunch?"
"Sure." She was fiddling with her phone. "Do you think I should try and call Mr. Shuester?"
I didn't want to let on that I had done the same thing the day Mercedes and I went to the spa. "If you think you need to. I'll find a place to eat."
Finn still doesn't have a cell phone of his own. The one he had been carrying the night he had been kidnapped had been taken into evidence, where it still was for all I knew. Since he was always in our sight after he came back, he hadn't needed one. But now that he was venturing out, he was going to need to get another one. His life was branching off of ours again and, even thought I knew it was a good and needed thing; it still tugged at my heart a bit. "Do you have Mr. Shue's number?"
She was already dialing. "Hi, is this Mr. Shuester? It's Carole Hudson, Finn's mother? Can I talk to my boy?" There was a pause, and her face broke into a smile. "Hi, Finn, how are things going?...You do? Well, do you want to tell me now?...Ok, I'll wait until I pick you up….Yes, I'm taking good care of Kurt…Do you want to talk to him?...Well, he's trying to park, so you'll have to wait for a few minutes….Are you behaving yourself? Because I will find out if you're not being a good guest….Ok, here he is, I love you."
I took the phone, uncomfortably aware of the fact that Carole was watching me closely. "Hi, Cowboy."
"Hi, Kurt!" He sounded out of breath and overexcited. What in the world were he and Mr. Shue doing over there? "Guess what? I have a huge surprise for you and Mom and everyone!" I could just imagine the excited wiggling thing that he was doing right now.
"Really? What's the surprise?" I was a little afraid to know.
"I can't tell you! That's why it's a surprise. Are you taking good care of Mom?"
There was something charming about the way he said that, like he thought I hadn't just overheard that he had asked Carole the same thing. "I am. We've gotten her some beautiful outfits and some nice jewelry."
"Cool. You're coming back at five, right? You'll both come back and get me?" A hint of anxiety had crept into his voice.
"We will be there at five. If for any reason we'll be late, I'll call. I'll see you in a few hours." I was starting to suspect that Finn's worries were going to take a long time to extinguish, if they ever fully did.
"Ok. Bye, Kurt. Tell Mom I love her."
"Will do. Bye Finn." It didn't escape my notice that he didn't say that he loved me, but I guessed it might be a little soon for that.
I hung up and looked at Carole. "So, he says he has a surprise."
"He told me that, too. I'm a little afraid, to be honest. The last time he sounded this excited about a surprise, I found a baby squirrel hidden in his closet. He had named him Peanut and was convinced that I would let him keep the darn thing if he showed me how well he had already taken care of it for four days."
That was so unbelievably cute. "Did you?"
"Of course not. It was a wild animal, and it needed to be set free. Finn was disappointed, of course, but he believed me when I told him that the rehabilitator I was taking to would take it back to its mother."
"He really does need a pet of some sort." Maybe I could swallow my pride and let him get a rat. From what I understood, they were kind of neat, and could even learn tricks. Finn was being more responsible lately, so maybe he could be trusted to clean the cage, and keep it fed. "I guess he and I can work something out."
"You're such a good boy." She smiled at me, and I smiled back. "Is this the place you want to try?"
"Yes." I had no idea where we were, but I was hungry and there were the right sort of letters on the sign. "This is good."
We were seated quickly, which was about enough time for me to realize that we were way out of our league here. There was not a single letter of English anywhere on the menu, and I didn't read Chinese. French and Spanish, yes. Any eastern language? No.
Carole looked at me over the menu. "Do you have any idea what any of this is?"
I leaned close. "No."
"Should we bail, or do you think we can pull this off?" She gave me a conspiratorial wink.
Dad would have never asked that. He would have insisted that we leave, and then stop for burgers or pizza on the way back. This was a challenge, and I was sure we could rise to the occasion. "Let's stay."
"Ok, we can do this. Just point to something on the menu, and pray we don't get served something inedible."
As it turned out, Carole ended up served a vegetarian dish, and I was given….oh God, was that an octopus? Its quarter sized eyes were still staring up at me. Also, was it my imagination, or was the waiter smirking at me?
Now eating the disgusting thing was a point of pride, so I started cutting. It was…chewy. Not yummy or fishy or even meatlike. But I had seen Finn eat a furry Poptart that he found under the couch, so I was pretty sure that it wouldn't kill me. I still couldn't look directly at it, but I would sooner die then beg for a different entrée.
I was about halfway done when Carole took a deep breath. "Kurt, we need to have a talk. "
Here it came. Nothing good ever came from those words, no matter how good the day had been so far. I set my utensils down and gave her my full attention. "Ok." I was proud of how steady I sounded. Now, as long as she couldn't see the sudden glaze in my eyes, this could still go alright.
"You know that I love you very much, and that I love your father, too. But Finn is my son, and I'm the only parent he has left. He has to come first for me, because there is no one else to stand up for him."
"I can stand up for him. Dad can, if Finn would let him. Whatever Finn needs, we can all do it, as a family." After everything we had said, she was about to break up with us.
"That's just it." She took a deep, steadying breath. "Kurt, I want you to understand that I'm not bringing this up to upset you or humiliate you. I'm doing it for Finn, and for you, too, because I love you both so much. I'm just going to come right out and ask: What do you want with Finn?"
She had noticed. Oh, God, Carole had seen the way I looked at Finn, and now she thought I was some sort of creepy pervert who would violate her son, who had already been violated in the worst way possible. "I…." To my horror, the tears started so spill over.
Carole saw it immediately. "Kurt, don't cry." Her voice was gentle. "I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here. It's ok if you like Finn like that, or if you don't. But I have to know. Because Finn's been through enough, and his heart's been broken too many times this year."
I choked the tears down and stared at my lunch. It stared back, mocking me. "I love him." It came out soft and miserable. "I wouldn't break his heart, Carole, I swear. And I wouldn't hurt him either."
She sighed. "Well, I guess we do have an unconventional family already. This isn't the worst thing that could happen."
Why wasn't she freaking out? "How did you know?"
"Kurt, I'm going to tell you something. You're a very smart boy, and you don't seem to have much trouble fooling your father. But I'm a mother, and you don't fool me that easily. I've seen the way you act with Finn, and the way you look at him. You Hummel men are just alike. You look at Finn the way I look at your father."
"I'm sorry. Please don't hate me." Also? Gross. I hated thinking about her and my father doing anything other then looking deep into each other's eyes and possibly holding hands.
Yes, because they share a bed upstairs just to cuddle. Grow up, Kurt. They cuddle, and they kiss and guess what else they do? It's spelled S-E-X.
"I don't hate you. I keep telling you, I love you very much. But do you understand why I'm worried about this? Finn isn't ready for a relationship right now. He's not ready for life."
I beg to differ. Well, not about the not being ready for life part, I agree completely there, but Finn's ready for a relationship. Actually, he needs one. He needs that tie for what's coming ahead.
I clasped my hands together under the table, squeezing so tightly that my fingernails were cutting into my palms. "I can wait for him to be ready. He….he's special, Carole, I know he is. This is different from just some crush." He kissed me. The words rattled in my brain, but I knew better then to let them out.
"Kurt, I'm his mother. You don't need to tell me that he's special. But you know that you're just as special. I don't want to see you spend all this time on Finn, and hurt any relationship you have as brothers, only to find out that he'll never be ready for the kind of relationship you want." She rubbed at her temples. "This is coming out all wrong. Maybe this is too soon, and I should have had your father have this talk with you."
"Please, God, no." The words came out without any conscious thought. Having Carole talk about my crush on Finn was bad enough, but Dad? Dad who could barely bring himself to use the word 'gay'? I would die of humiliation before the first sentence was out. "Dad's just….he's not good with feelings."
Then I noticed something else. Carole had never once said that she didn't think Finn was attracted to me. She was more worried about his ability to cope with a sexual relationship after the abuse he had suffered. Carole's direct stare was making me squirm, but I had to remember that Finn and I were no longer Finn and I. We were the Hudson-Hummel family now. "If you really want me to leave him alone, I will. I can be a good brother, too."
She sighed. "No. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. I was only 16 when I met Christopher, and only 21 when I had Finn. So I understand that it's possible to find the right man very early. But Chris and I didn't have the same hurdles to jump that you and Finn would, and that scares me."
"It scares me, too." I poked at my octopus, and it jiggled happily. "But I can't give him up just because I'm scared. He's worth jumping all those hurdles."
Carole sat back in her chair. "If you're willing to fight for him, then you have my approval to date Finn. At least you aren't going to pretend to be pregnant in an effort to trap him into a relationship."
It broke some of the tension and made me laugh. She laughed along with me. "Do you want to have them pack up your squid, or should we just pay and leave?"
I swear that disgusting thing waved one of its little tentacles at me. "Well, Carole…um….you know that normally I refuse to let any food go to waste but….Carole, it's looking at me! And I think it's an octopus, not a squid."
"What's the difference? We'll just leave it. I don't even think that Finn would eat that, and if Finn won't touch it, it's unsalvageable. Out to the car and we'll get an ice cream cone later."
Obviously, she was used to having to bribe to get things done. I didn't require empty calories to elicit good behavior. But maybe a small vanilla cone wouldn't hurt. Maybe. After all, Carole and I were bonding, and I didn't want to do anything to ruin that.
I did wait until we were in the car before I asked what I really wanted to know. I picked at my sleeves and made my voice tiny. "Do you think I have a chance with Finn?"
"I do." She shook her head at my shocked expression. "Kurt, Finn came out of my body. I've raised him for 17 years, and almost 16 of those were as a single parent. Just us. I don't really have any other family and Christopher's parents…." She trailed off, apparently thinking better of what she was about to say. "Anyway, there is nothing about him that I don't know, no facial expression I can't read. He looks at you like you hung the moon, Kurt."
"That doesn't mean he loves me. It just means that he needs me." I didn't know why I was arguing with her, especially since she was saying everything that I had hoped she would.
"Can't it be both?" She had a Cheshire cat smile going on that reminded me very strongly of Finn's.
"I guess it could." I sounded significantly perkier. "Yeah, I guess it could. Ok, now, no more excuses. You, me, and the most beautiful red dress that Ohio has to offer." I held up a hand, hopeful that we could change the subject.
She let me go with the sort of grace that only mothers can manage. "Let's do it."
4 hours later, we had done it. Carole had found two dresses, complete with shoes and accessories. Oh, yeah, I was good. I was better then good. I was Kurt Hummel, and I was king here.
Too bad the king doesn't get anything for himself.
That was a tragedy, but I was under strict orders from Dad that this was as shopping trip for Carole and Carole only. I would be going shopping for Finn and myself in a few weeks. Even if those scarves over near the register were crying for someone who would actually know how to properly use them.
Carole followed my eyes. "Go get one."
"You don't wear a scarf with those dresses. Those dresses call for an understated necklace and earrings."
She laughed. "You've told me that four times. No, I meant go get one for yourself. After all the hard work you've put in today, you deserve something nice."
I wavered. "Dad said not to." Even though I really, really wanted to.
Carole wasn't at all afraid. "It can be our little secret." I must have still looked uncertain, because she actually nudged me forward. "Come on, do you honestly think that I don't know your father is sneaking Finn Coke and gummy worms every time my back is turned? It's just how things go. As far as I know, that scarf has always been in your collection."
With that affirmation (and a barely restrained squeal that I would go to my grave insisting I had never made), I shot over to the rack, caressing the expensive silk. Green would look fantastic with my new sweater, but there was a cream on that would match everything, but how could I turn down the exquisite purple and-
Finn thinks you look good in red.
And, yes, Finn thought I looked good in red. Since I was trying to impress him, red it was. I chose the best offering and all but floated back over to Carole. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Maybe Carole was as lost in her thoughts as I was in mine, because there was very little conversation on the ride back to Lima. We would be right on time to get Finn, which would ease his mind. I gave him a quick call to let him know we were almost there, and he insisted that we both come up, because of the surprise that both Carole and I had somehow forgotten.
She parked and took a deep breath. "Are you as afraid of his surprise as I am?"
"Yeah." There was no way to say what I wanted to without it being awkward so I just decided to blurt it out. "I would say yes. I mean, if my Dad asked you to marry him, and you wanted to know if it was ok with me and Finn. I would say it was ok for you two to get married." The words came out in a rush better suited to Finn, but there they were, and I could never call them back.
She stroked my shoulder. "Thank you, Kurt. I know that wasn't easy for you to say."
I was too embarrassed to reply, so I just slid out of the car and marched resolutely towards Mr. Shue's apartment. Carole understood and followed me in silence, giving me the space I needed.
Finn must have been listening at the door because he flung it open before we could even knock. "You're here, you're here! I've been waiting forever! Come on and I can tell you about the surprise!"
Obviously Mr. Shue had been giving him candy again. Carole squeezed her son tightly and Finn nuzzled contentedly against her, soothed slightly by the contact. Once he was no longer spinning out of control, he cocked his head at us. "Did you have fun shopping for…stuff?"
I appreciated his attempt at politeness, even though he had no idea where we had been going. This despite the fact that I had told him no less then five times. "We did. Your mother is a beautiful woman."
He looked Carole up and down, then smiled. "Well, yeah. I could have told you that. She was always beautiful. You just made her all, like, glamorous."
Mr. Shue popped his head out. "Did you tell them, Finn?"
If he didn't tell us soon, I was afraid that he would burst right through the ceiling. "No, he hasn't. Tell us your big surprise."
He took a deep breath. "Ok. So, you know how you're going to home school me this year?" At Carole's nod, he kept going. "So, Mr. Shuester says that I can go on Homebound learning, which means that they send a teacher to me, but I'm still a student at McKinley. You know, technicality."
"Technically." I corrected him automatically.
Carole gave him a puzzled look. "Well, that would make it easier for me, not having to find you a tutor, but Finn; I've never seen you so excited about your schoolwork."
"I'm not excited about that!" Finn sounded insulted. "Why would I be excited about stupid old math? No, if I'm still a student at McKinley, I'm still eligible to participate in extracurricular activities."
Carole still looked a little confused, but I got it. Sudden joy raced through my body, filling my chest and making me almost as excited as Finn. I didn't want to steal his thunder, though, so I set him up perfectly. "And if you're still a student at McKinley…."
"I can still be in the Glee club!" He was so excited he was all but spinning in circles. "Mom, isn't it great!"
"It is great, Finn!" She squeezed him again, and he hugged her back enthusiastically. "I'm thrilled that things are finally going right for you"
"I know! I mean, I kind of suck now, because I haven't practiced or anything, but I can get better. Mr. Shue said that he'd help me, right Mr. Shue?"
"Absolutely. Just give me a call ahead of time, so I can make sure I'm here." He was smiling, pleased that he had been able to help Finn out.
"He's dating Ms. Pillsbury." Finn sounded beyond smug. "Again."
"Finn, not everybody needs to know that." Mr. Shue sounded a little bit uncomfortable, probably because there were rules against dating your coworker.
"It's just Mom and Kurt. I tell them everything." He bounced around some more. "Can I take some of the cookies home?"
"Yes, we made them for you to share with your family. Plates are above the toaster; just make sure you leave me a few." He looked back at Carole as Finn bounded off. "He's a wonderful cook. I had no idea that he knew how."
She smiled tightly. "Yeah, me neither."
I took a minute to think about that, then realized what she was saying. Mr. Shue did as well. "Lily taught him." His voice was low.
So Finn had told her about Joseph and Lily. "He told you about what happened?" My voice was low enough so that Finn couldn't hear it.
"Yeah." His eyes looked suddenly shiny. "I don't think he told me everything, but he told me part of it."
"That's good, that he can talk about it, I mean. That he trusts you enough to tell you things. Finn needs to be able to trust people, especially adults." Carole's ramble was broken by the sound of something falling in the kitchen and a muttered 'oops.'
"I'll get him." I left the two grown-ups to hash it out in the living room in favor of figuring out what Finn was destroying in there. "Finn? What are you up to?"
He gave me a guilty look. "I knocked over a chair. I picked it up, though."
I didn't even want to know how. "Did you get the cookies together?"
He proudly held up the tinfoil covered plate. "They have butterscotch and chocolate chips! They're like heaven in your mouth."
I could think of a better use for my mouth, preferably attached to his, but I smiled instead. "Great. I'll try one when we get home."
"Do you promise? Because I mostly made them for you and your dad, because I know that you both like butterscotch."
The fact that he had included Dad in his comment gave me hope. With every day that passed, Finn was healing a little more, getting a bit more confident. I took the plate so it wouldn't get dropped. "So, Cowboy, are you ready to go home?"
He leaned against me, his smile telling me everything I needed to know. "Yep, I'm ready to go home."