APOV
I wake up naked and alone, god I don't have enough fingers to count how many times that has happened to me in this life. My core really hurts but it was thoroughly used last night with Christian's determination. I'm so tired still but the clock tells me it is already mid afternoon so I get up and look for clothes. In the closet in the master bedroom I find a wardrobe that has all of my things that I had with me when Christian found me about fifteen years ago I want to say.
My journal is still tucked in the side pocket of the hiking bag, I still wrote in it until Maia was born, until everything became way too much. I take it out and sit in the middle of the closet, opening it up to the day I left.
Thursday, June 29, 2000- Stephan says he want to have my babies, I don't want that. I hate it when he touches me but if I don't let him the punishments are getting worse. Last time I refused him he didn't let me eat for a week and only let me have a bottle of water each day. Tonight he is taking mom out for some kind of anniversary and he will lock me in my room but this morning I took the poker from the fireplace and I plan on getting out. Get out and get as far from here as possible, hitch hike if I have to but I have money stashed that will hopefully cover a but to the east coast, somewhere he can't find me. He made me take pregnancy tests today, they're positive and I don't know what to do now, I have to run. It can't grow up here, I don't want to be here and I don't want his kid. Jack is downstairs acting as my prison guard, once he fucks me he will leave me alone and I can run. My bags are packed and now I have to wait, I hate waiting.
Sunday, July 2, 2000- I've made it to New York City, a place where he will never be able to find me. Travelling here I picked up so scams, learned how to pickpocket well so I can get money for food. I've been cramping a lot, bleeding a lot more then if it was a period so I think I am miscarrying but I can't go anywhere to be sure. I'm such a stupid, horrible and ugly mess of a person. No one wants me, no one could and I just want to hide and die. I didn't realize that this would be so hard for me, to live on the run with nothing. Nothing to live for.
Tuesday, July 25, 2000- I made a huge mistake, I got caught then went home with him instead of calling the police. He acts high and mighty, Christian, but there is something about him that makes me fell like I never have before and it scares me, it scares me more because I want to be with him and I just met him. He could never love me, I'm unlovable and here he is trying to help me like I'm worth it. I'm not, can't be.
Friday, September 2, 2000- I'm pregnant, I am pregnant with his fucking baby. Christian is going to kill me or have someone kill me. He is the freaking MOB! BAD FEELINGS WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT ARE FINALLY HAVING A REASON TO BE THERE! I couldn't have Stephan's baby, I miscarried that but this is different. I love Christian but he leaves for school this weekend, he leaves and I'm fucked. REALLY FUCKING FUCKED. Maybe I should just die, stop all the problems. What if Stephan, Jack and mom find me? Stephan would claim the baby, people would die, I would be punished. I'm more scared now then I have ever been before.
Friday, May 13, 2005- Stephan cornered me while shopping in Little Italy, it has been five years so I thought they forgot about me. We had coffee and talked, he talked more while I sat and listened. He was here on work and saw me, took that opportunity. He is right though, I screw it all up for everyone around me. Christian and everyone don't know me, they know nothing of who I am, what I've done or where I've been. I came into this with nothing, nothing but a sick and twisted path that now knows where I am. Noah and my baby girl don't need that, they can't have that. I am going to wreck them. I wasn't old enough with Noah and I am not old enough with her, I need to grow up and become a woman. I have to leave. I'll leave tomorrow when Christian goes to work and the nanny comes. I'll leave and can't look back. They'll all be better. I'll bring nothing, meet him at the airport and that will be that. it has to be that.
Tears fall freely from my eyes, I forgot writing all of this and it is clear that Christian just put all this away and never looked through it, if he did then he would have the answers that he wanted. He just wanted to put all the memories of me in a cupboard.
"Kitten?"
I leap four feet into the air and onto my feet, trying to cover up my body and watch Christian try not to laugh. He's holding clothes for me which I gratefully take from him. He watches me dress and I tie my hair up into a messy bun onto of my head. We walk over to the kitchen were he sets a salad and salmon filet in front of me. I eat slowly and look at him every little while. The apartment is surprisingly quiet for having the amount of kids here, here.
"Where is everyone?" I ask.
"The kids are all down on the floor below us letting off steam in the fitness area, Kate is taking a nap with Elliot and the baby, Mom and dad are two floors down and mending some of our wounded. What were you looking at in there?" I ask.
"A diary that was in my really old things that you kept, if you had read it you may have all the answers that you want."
"Can I read it?"
"No, when I'm ready I will tell you."
He stands behind me, kissing the skin behind my ear and nibbling on the lobe, my panties dampen and I lean back into his body, when his arm wraps around me and slips into my panties to stroke my folds I remember how sore I am. I wince but say nothing.
"Anastasia, do you have something to tell me?"
"No."
"Ana, if you are sore I need to know so I don't do something to you."
"Just a little, I'll be okay Christian if you want more."
The ding of the elevator alerts us of some form of company, Ava walks in with Maia on her back. We share a look but Christian sets Maia on the counter.
"What happened?" Christian asks Ava.
"She was sparring with Micah and on one hit she went down and is complaining of a headache and that her ears are popping. Oh, and Uncle Luke said that they have someone named Kevin at the Restaurant 18."
"Thank you Ava, and congratulations again."
"Thanks Uncle Christian," Ava skips out of the room.
Christian texts someone while Maia reaches out for me, I pull her off and on to my lap. I can only how uncomfortable she could be right now but maybe sparring without supervision isn't a good idea like I tried to state.
"Why were you congratulating Ava?" I ask.
"She's about three months pregnant, Erica came by and ran a few tests while you were still asleep. Her due date is in December. Now Mouse, Cooper will be here soon to check you much pain?" He signs while talking to her.
"Little bit, it's just not comfortable and throbs."
I kiss her head and carry her to the living room where we sit on the sectional and wait for her doctor to show up. Ava is pregnant, Mia is pregnant, Kate just had a baby and we are trying to get pregnant so next year we may have five babies running around.
Christian leaves Maia with the doctor while going into the bedroom, I follow him because I felt out of place with someone I didn't know. I was just, I don't know it was weird. He reminds me of someone I don't like.
"Where are you going?" I ask when I see he is preparing for something.
"Nowhere that concerns you. You're staying here and I will be back in a little while."
"I want to come."
"Anastasia, no."
"Christian, you need to let me. I need this, you said yourself that i need to realize that I am a part of the family and this is the family. This, whatever you plan on doing is what the family does."
He sighs, roll his eyes and then nods. I change into dark blue skinny jeans, black v-neck shirt, grey sweater, black leather jacket and black leather riding boots; all had designer labels but I am not Mia or Kate so they're just clothes to me. Christian is wearing something similar but the male version, black leather lace ups and no sweater. Elliot is waiting for us by the elevators and gives us an expression that was one I wish I got on camera, a mix between confusion, anger, awe, joy and pain. We step in and Christian holds me tight to him.
"Why are you bringing her?" Elliot asks.
"She wanted to come and wouldn't let it go," Christian answered.
"But… why?"
"No idea."
"I want to learn where I belong," I answer.
They both look at me and I look at my feet, I don't think that they expected me to say anything for myself. My mistake, I figured that they were talking about me so I could just answer on my own. Well then.
In the garage we walk over to the same car Christian, Maia and I came in. I was in the back and felt rather intimidated by both Christian and Elliot's attitudes.