Honesty does not always bring a response of love, but it is absolutely essential to it.
Ray Blanton

"You want to be with me. Like, as boyfriends, not as brothers." His tone didn't make it a question, but he seemed to be waiting for some kind of confirmation from me.

I unlocked my throat and put my chin up. "Yes. You know that. You've always known that, haven't you?"

He laughed a little. "Yeah. You aren't real….." The word seemed to have escaped him. "Uh, you know. Like…you don't hide it very well."

"Subtle." He gave me a funny look, and I hastened to clarify. "The word you're looking for is subtle."

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck. "That."

This might be the most awkward conversation of my entire life, including the day I came out to my father, and we weren't even 30 seconds into it yet.

"I can trust you, because you're my brother."

Again, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to respond, or if he was just talking to himself. I waited, and this time, he kept on going.

"But if you're not my brother Kurt, and you're my boyfriend Kurt, how can I keep trusting you? You'll be different, and you can't be different."

Well, that made exactly zero sense. "I won't be different, Finn. I'll still be me, no matter what you choose."

"No you won't." Frustration oozed from his body, though I wasn't sure if he was frustrated with me for not understanding, or himself for his inability to properly explain things. "You'll want different things and you'll need different things and nothing will be the same as it is right now."

Things being stable and the same had become incredibly important to Finn. He couldn't control what had happened, and he couldn't control anything that was about to happen with the trial, but he could control what happened in this house. Well, at least he could try.

"Finn, honey, things can't ever stray the same as they were. Isn't that what we talked about the other night, and in our session today? That it frustrates you when people want everything to stay the same even though you know things are different?"

He nodded tentatively, his eyes nervous and untrusting. "Well this is the same thing. Things are different between you and me then they were before you moved in, right?"

Another nod. "And they're different then when you first moved in, before you got taken. And they're different now then they were after you got back and before you kissed me, right?" At each question, he nodded again, the realization dawning in his expressive eyes. "So why are you so worried about things changing this time?"

He shrugged. "It's just…."

"Just?" I didn't like pushing, but if I didn't prompt Finn sometimes, nothing would ever happen.

"You shouldn't have to." I gave him a questioning look and he tried to clarify. "Be with me, I mean."

"There isn't any 'have to' about it. I want to be with you because I want to be with you, not because I feel that I must." I had lost control of this conversation, and I had no idea how to get it back.

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean that you deserve someone better then me. There's got to be someone else that you could like, not just me."

Ah, this was a self-esteem issue. "I'll be the one to decide what I do and do not deserve. And yes, maybe there could be someone else, but that's a moot point. You're the one I want, that that's final. Now, if you don't want me back, I can accept that and move on. Is that what you're telling me? Because if it is, I would appreciate you being honest and just saying it."

Here it was, the moment of truth. My final statement required either a yes or no answer, no more fooling around. I knew it, and Finn knew it, too. "Finn? Do you want me or not?"

"Yes." The word came out so softly that it was more a rush of air then an actual vocalization. "But I can't."

Funny how I had never known that your heart could soar up over your head and then crash and shatter on the ground in the space of two sentences. "Why not?"

"I….it's not fair. To you, I mean. You should be able to have someone who you can do everything together with. You know, first kiss and first time having sex and everything romantic."

It was kind of sweet, the way he wanted to protect me, but I didn't need to be protected. "Again, that's my choice. Despite what you think, there's not a thing wrong with you, and I know that you can be perfectly romantic when you try."

He cocked his head, and I knew that he was really listening to what I was saying. Something in the way his jaw moved triggered a memory, and I found myself flashing back to the way Carole had looked at me in the dimly lit restaurant. If you're willing to fight for him, then you have my approval. I hadn't realized that fighting for Finn might mean fighting with Finn, but I could do this. Finn wanted me. He had admitted that just a few seconds ago. Now I just had to get him to understand that he was worth fighting for.

Finn kept staring at me, his mind almost visibly creaking as he tried to think of another way to scare me away. Finally his eyes brightened. "Do you want to go your whole life without sex?"

"Do you?" I was nowhere near ready to even consider having sex with anyone, including Finn, so it didn't seem like much of a hardship. "When you want to have sex, or even if you do, is a choice that's entirely up to you. No one can or should try and change your mind."

He sighed heavily and leaned back against the pillows. "You aren't making this easy for me."

I reached out and smoothed his hair back, watching as his eyes fluttered shut from my touch. Right at this second, I had all the power in the world over him, and, what was more, he had willingly given it to me. That was something that those people, the Wrights, would never understand. They could force Finn to go with them, force him into sex, force him to do any number of frightening things, but they couldn't force trust. In that way, Finn and I were already more intimate then he had ever been or could ever be with them.

For a few seconds I just stroked, letting Finn relax a little bit as I planned my next move. "This isn't supposed to be easy. Were things always easy with Rachel?"

He gave a tiny laugh. "No. Not even a little bit of the time. You're a lot quieter then her, too."

"A stadium full of cats in heat would be quieter then Rachel Berry. But seriously Finn, we can do this however you want to."

He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling, as if he thought he could find the answers written all over it's textured panels. His breathing sounded obscenely loud in the quiet of the basement, but I realized that that was only because my own had stopped. Finn was holding one foot over the abyss, and it had to be his own choice whether he would pull back or leap.

You could catch him. After all, it's not his body he'll be throwing into the chasm, it's his soul.

"I can say stop?" Finn was starting to weaken, his body relaxing. "I can say stop, and you won't be mad at me?"

"Absolutely not. Whether you want to be with me or not, you should always have the option to tell someone to stop. If they don't give it to you, then they're taking advantage. You should never, ever, be ashamed or scared to tell someone that you don't want to do something or that you want to move more slowly."

"Oh" He seemed to be lost in thought again, and I waited patiently. Then he smiled gently at me. "Can I kiss you again?"

"Of course." I tried not to sound too eager, and failed miserably. "I mean, if you want to." There, that was a little better.

Finn smiled and leaned forward, brushing his lips over mine before licking gently. I opened my mouth cautiously and let him deepen the kiss. Oh, God, he was good at this. I whimpered against his mouth, not sure what I was doing at all, but letting Finn take the lead. He seemed to like that, one hand coming up to pull me closer to him.

My own hands were clenching and releasing, both held up slightly in front of me. What was I supposed to do with them? I wanted to touch Finn, but I didn't want to scare him. Suddenly one of his hands touched my stomach, making me jump a mile. I wasn't ready for this, and I pushed him back a little. "Finn, enough."

"Sorry." He drew back. "I didn't know I was…."

I wondered how often he had used that excuse on girls, or even if it really was an excuse. Finn had gone from being in two relationships where he wasn't allowed anywhere near second base, to one where he was not only allowed, but forced to do whatever that man wanted. Was it any wonder that he didn't have a clue how to properly behave now?

"It's alright." I tried to spin things so he would feel better. "It's just that I've never done this before, so I'm nervous."

Judging from his dilated eyes and tense body, Finn was far more nervous then I was. I stroked his hair again, making him sigh. "Really? You've never done this before?"

His sincerity made me laugh. "Who do you think I would do this stuff with? You get to be my very first kiss."

"Oh. It was ok, though, right?"

"It was perfect." I gave him a moment to enjoy that and kept going. "But I think we need to talk a little more and kiss a little less."

"Sure. What do we want to talk about?" He leaned back against the headboard, and I sat next to him.

This had to be handled very delicately. "I don't think that we should tell Dad and Carole. Or anyone else for that matter. Not yet, anyway."

"How come?" He sounded curious, but not irritated at the thought. "Do you think they'll be all pissed and say we can't?"

Honestly, I had no idea what Dad would say, but I could guess that it would be loud. "No. Your mother already said that she didn't mind. It's just that I want to take things very slowly, at your pace. If everyone knows, they'll want to try and tell us how to go at their pace, and that won't work." I reached for his hand again, and he gave it willingly. "Can't we just be you and I for a little bit?"

Finn was very quiet, his fingers stroking over mine. "Mom knows? You told her?"

"Not exactly. Do you remember when she and I went out shopping last week?" He looked totally blank, so I tried again. "When you went over to Mr. Shue's and made those really good cookies?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "We need to make those again. I'll bet we could use peppermint chips, too, and that would be great and-"

"Finn! Do you want to hear the story or do you want to think about chocolate?"

"Story." His long-suffering tone told me that he was saying it because he knew that it was the right answer, and not because it was actually what it wanted. "I guess."

"Anyway. She asked me if I wanted to be with you, and I said that I did, but that I didn't think you wanted to be with me. But she thought that maybe you did, and she said that as long as you were happy and alright with things, then she was, too."

That threw him, and he was momentarily silenced while he thought about it. Then he gave a soft sigh. "Well, Mom's going to be ok with it, because she's my Mom, and she's awesome like that. But your Dad is going to hate me."

"He won't. How many times to I have to tell you that he loves you Finn, and he won't ever hate you?"

The look Finn gave me then told me that he wanted very badly to believe me, but that he just wasn't ready yet. I decided to let the matter drop, at least for now. "You're safe with Dad, Finn, but we don't have to tell him right now. Which is another reason we can't tell Carole. It's not fair to tell one of our parents and not the other."

"Fine. But if we aren't telling anyone that means you can't tattle to Mercedes either. Just you and me means just you and me." His eyes were locked on mine, leaving no doubt as to his seriousness.

But I told Mercedes everything. Without her, I wouldn't have survived the past 6 months. Not to mention that I had no idea where to go from here, no matter how brave of an act I was putting on for Finn. But if I let him see that I was as afraid as he was, then this was going to fall apart. "But…."

One of his eyebrows rose like it was attached to an invisible string. I stopped, because there was really nothing for me to say to that. "Ok. I won't tell Mercedes either. But what if she guesses?"

"Don't lie. I've already been Josephs' dirty little secret, I'm not about to become yours. But its-"His voice broke as tears welled up in his eyes. "It's not fair."

"What isn't fair, Cowboy?" I couldn't understand why he had suddenly gotten so worked up. Yes, he had brought Joseph up, but usually that wasn't enough to cause this level of upset.

"You have Mercedes. She's your best friend and you can tell her everything. I don't have anyone any more." He snuffled at little and wiped at his eyes. "I miss Puck and I don't want him to be dead."

Finn had been trying to cope with so much recently that Puck and his murder had slipped to the back of my mind. But this was good, right? As painful as it was for him, Finn was starting to grieve, and that was a necessary step in getting mentally healthy again. I rubbed his shoulder. "I know, baby, and I'm sorry that you're hurting."

He leaned against me but didn't say anything. I searched through my mind, trying to think of someone, anyone, that he could share his secrets with. There was no one. Finn and Puck's relationship was often strained, but they had the easy familiarity that came from loving and depending on each other since they were little boys. It was a relationship that could be neither replicated nor dismissed. Finally he shook his head and gave me a weak smile. "It'll be ok."

I wasn't sure that I believed him, but I knew enough to know when to let go. "Yes, it will. Maybe not right away, but in the end."

"Hope so." He went quiet then, and I respected it, shifting so we were snuggled together. No matter what else was happening, Finn liked to be close to someone. I kissed his cheek, and he smiled again.

15 full minutes passed, with both of us just sitting there, before I spoke again. "Can you keep talking, or do you need to quit?"

"I guess we can keep going." He stretched lazily and sat back up. "About what?"

This was going to have to be phrased very delicately, so as not to upset him. "I know you told me what happened while you were in New Mexico, Finn, and I'm really glad that you trusted me enough to do that. You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to, but there are some things I need to know. So we can be safe."

He bristled. "I am safe! The doctors did like a hundred tests and said that I don't have AIDS or anything like that. I wouldn't do anything to make you sick." He was angry now, pulling away from me.

I grabbed his arm. "Easy Cowboy, that isn't what I meant."

Good job phrasing it delicately.

He sat back next to me, though he didn't snuggle and his tension didn't ease. "What do you mean, then?"

"What I meant to ask was if there was something that I maybe should or shouldn't do? I don't want to do anything that upsets you or remind you of…him." I could say his name in my head, but, when it came to saying things out loud, Joseph had become he-who-must-not-be-named.

Finn went quiet, looking down. When he spoke, it was in a very low voice. "So I don't hit you like I did your Dad?"

I wasn't going to let him goad me. "No, I don't think you would hurt me. I just don't want you to be upset. I want this to be good for both of us."

There was another long silence, while Finn picked at my comforter. "Sometimes he would scare me."

"Like Dad did?"

"Yeah. Sometimes he would grab me and wake me up, just like your Dad did. He wouldn't always make me do something with him, and he didn't do it every night, but he did it a lot. Sometimes he would do it more then once in a night, sometimes he wouldn't do it for a week. He just did it to make me scared to fall asleep."

"Oh." I wasn't sure what else to say. "I'm sorry."

He wasn't paying any attention to me." I guess that's not really a sex thing, though." Now he was visibly squirming. "If I tell you something else, will you promise not to freak out or anything? Cause, it's kind of bad and I didn't tell you it before."

There was a part of me that still couldn't believe that there was anything worse then what he had told me so far. A small, naïve, stupid part of me. The rest knew that things could always get worse.

I can think of two dozen ways that things could have been worse for Finn. Do you want me to start listing them?

No, I didn't. I just wanted that voice to shut up long enough so that Finn could tell me himself. "I promise."

"He didn't hurt me." The words were a quick rush.

There was no way I had heard that right. "Excuse me?" My tone betrayed my shock, and Finn flinched.

"H-he didn't hurt me. Not like you probably think he did." His entire body crumpled, his eyes begging me for understanding.

My voice wavered a bit, but the words were strong. "How so?"

"He never hit me or anything. Not even once. He hit Lily once that I saw, and I she sometimes had bruises that I could see, but he never was mean to me that way. Except for when Lily hit me with the taser, she was never mean to me like that either." There was more that he wanted to say, I could read it in the way his hands kept twisting together.

"I'm glad." He seemed to have relaxed a bit, so laid my head on his shoulder. "I hate to think of you ever being hurt or frightened."

"He, uh, he didn't hurt me the other way either." He must have seen the confusion in my face, because he tried again. "When he…" There was a pause while he took a deep breath. "When he raped me. He didn't make me bleed or hurt me on purpose."

I tried to think about what had happened to Finn as little as possible. But, when the thoughts crept into my head, I had been imagining blood and pain and that man causing Finn the most amount of suffering possible. Rape was brutal, a terrible violation. How could it have not been violent? "He didn't?"

"No. I mean, yeah, it kind of hurt when he fucked me, but Samantha said that it always kind of hurts, even if you actually like the person who's doing it. She said it wouldn't hurt every time if I was with someone I liked, because I wouldn't get so tense, but that it would probably always hurt a little the first time." His face had turned bright red.

If he can't even talk about it without turning six shades of purple, what makes you think he'll ever want to have sex with you?

I didn't care whether or not Finn ever wanted to have sex with me. Well, maybe a little, but that was something that would happen in time. "Oh." I lightly scratched his spine, feeling the soft shivers going up and down his body. "I wish I had some helpful advice, but I really know nothing about sex, other then the basics."

"That's good. I mean, you shouldn't have to know unless you're ready to be with someone."

"I'm not." I wanted to stress that, so Finn wouldn't feel like I wanted to, despite my words.

"Then we're good, right?" He squirmed. "Can we maybe not talk about this any more? It's making my stomach kind of funny."

With the way Finn internalized stress; he was going to be lucky if he made it through the trial without a bleeding ulcer. "Of course we can stop. Rome wasn't built in a day, and we don't have to figure everything out at once either." I hated to ask the last part, but there was a part of me that still couldn't believe that this was actually happening. "Can we just lay here for a little while, though, even if we don't talk? I'm just having a very hard time believing that this is real."

"Yeah, I know what that's like." His voice was faint, but he snuggled against me agreeably. It took a few minutes for us to lay down and find a position where we were both comfortable. "He wanted to snuggle with me, too, but I wouldn't." The words were whispered in my ear.

"He did?" I wasn't sure if Finn's comment had needed a response, but I wanted him to know that I was listening.

Finn nodded against my shoulder. "The first couple of times, I tried, because I didn't want him to be all pissed off at me and hurt me, but I couldn't. Every time he touched me, I'd get all tense and have trouble breathing. It made him mad, but I think he was scared I'd freak out and stop breathing, and then he would have to call 911. So he would just make me go back to my room after. I don't think that Lily liked cuddling with him either, but that's probably because he's a huge creep and a pervert."

"Yeah, well, so we she." I couldn't keep the anger out of my voice. Finn tensed, the same way he always did when Lily was brought up. I didn't understand why he was willing to accepting that Joseph had assaulted him without question, and that it wasn't his fault, but he had such a hard time accepting that Lily had done the exact same thing.

Because she's a woman, that's why. And you know who else is going to have a hard time believing what happened? A jury. No matter what actually happened, there are going to be some people who see this as a teenage boys dream. An experienced older woman who was willing to have sex with him? Hot for teacher? Stiflers Mom? It's not only acceptable, it's funny.

And there was nothing I could do to change that. Whether Finn knew it or not (and I strongly suspected that he didn't), he was going to have a much harder time getting Lily convicted then he would Joseph.

But I wasn't going to tell him that. Right now, I just wanted for it to be Finn and I enjoying each other's company for the first time. "You like snuggling with me, though, don't you?"

"Dude, of course. You're like the best snuggler in the world, even though you're really tiny." He kissed the top of my head. "You have the softest skin, too."

Bless his heart, he had actually noticed. "I moisturize, which not only hydrates my skin but prevents future wrinkles."

"Oh. Uh…cool?" Finn shifted around so he was on his back with my head on his chest. "I mean, that you know about all that stuff. I'm just going to quit talking now."

That was probably a good idea. I kissed his jaw, and got a pleased rumble in return. Being quiet and together sounded just perfect right now.

I might be the happiest I had ever been, but happiness didn't make me a fool. This didn't mean that Finn magically loved me. It didn't mean that he was healed, or even better then he had been two hours ago. When we got up and out of this bed, Finn was still going to be afraid of Dad, still going to have to testify at the trial when it occurred, and Puck would still be dead. All that had changed was that Finn was willing to try something with me.

Isn't that enough? Good God, Kurt! This is exactly what you've been waiting for, and all you can do is be negative. Why don't you quit focusing on what Finn can't do and think about what he can?

Sometimes, that voice had a point. Maybe, for once in my life, I should quit worrying and just accept things as they were. Finn certainly had. He was the picture of relaxation, his eyes closed and one hand loose on my back. I rested my own on his chest, my fingers barely grazing his collarbone. No, things weren't perfect. Maybe they would never be perfect. But right at the moment? They were pretty darn close.