Chapter 3: Yingchuan fanboys and fangirls attack!
Xu Shu: Ahaha, ahaha, ahahahahaha…..BLEEGGHH!
Guo Jia: GYAH! AAAHHH! FUCK!
Jia Xu: Sigh…AGAIN?!
Cao Cao: What's with all the noise back there?!
Guo Jia: It's Xu Shu again, sir.
Jia Xu: Seems like it's the 9th time he threw up or so…
Guo Jia: Really, can't we just settle down for a while? You know, so that Xu Shu could recover from his hangover?
Cao Cao: But we don't have much time! We have to go immediately or we won't be able to save Cai Wenji!
Jia Xu: But he just kept…
Xu Shu: Ehehehe, AHAHAHAHA! Ooh, what a wonderful world we live in! Yeah, wonderful! Or SHITTY! I don't know which one! Hahahaha…ooh…falls down
Guo Jia and Jia Xu: HEY!
Later, they noticed a glowing object in Xu Shu's hand.
Guo Jia: Hm? What's that?
Cao Cao: Huh? Hmm… takes the object
Jia Xu: What is it?
Cao Cao: It's a glowing ornamented rock of sorts…weird. I'm pretty sure none of us carried this thing when we first departed.
Xun Yu: Really? Let me see. Hmm…yeah, it's weird, really.
Guo Jia: Hmm…oh wait! Maybe it's the artifact that the letter told us about!
Cao Cao: The artifact…oh right! It said that it will help us in our journey…but how?
Jia Xu: Maybe we should try it!
Cao Cao: Hmm…no, it's too risky.
Xun Yu: Huh? Why?
Cao Cao: Well, who knows if it can only be used once! And once we used it here, we won't be able to use it later when we REALLY needed it. Nope! Not gonna risk that.
Guo Jia: Sigh…oh well. And, oh yeah, about Xu Shu…
Cao Cao: You two are gonna carry him until we arrive at Yingchuan.
Guo Jia and Jia Xu: But-
Cao Cao: NO BUTS!
Guo Jia and Jia Xu: Awww…
Xu Shu: Ahahahaha….soo SPARKLY! Hahaha….
4 hours later
Cao Cao: Pant…pant…
Guo Jia: Oh? Ah! There! Over there! Yingchuan! Hey, Xun Yu! Look! Our home!
Xun Yu: Hm? Oh, right!
Cao Cao: Hmm…oh, that's the sign! Okay, let's see….hmm…
Guo Jia: grabs Xun Yu's hand Come on, Xun Yu! Let's run back to our home and relive our childhood memories! runs towards Yingchuan
Xun Yu: Eh?! Whoa, hey!
Cao Cao: Hmm…uh huh…uh huh…
Guo Jia: YINGCHUAN! I'M COMING! HOME SWEET HO-
Cao Cao: stops both Guo Jia and Xun Yu by pushing back their faces hmm…wait!
Guo Jia and Xun Yu: OW!
Guo Jia: Hey…what's your problem?! I was trying to return to my hometown after 20 years or so, and yet-
Cao Cao: BECAUSE IF I HADN'T DONE SO WE'RE ALL FUCKING DOOMED, OKAY!
Guo Jia: Huh?
Cao Cao: Look at the sign. "From this point on, NO YINGCHUAN NATIVES SHOULD ENTER." Which means you, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu!
Xun Yu: Eh? Why?
Cao Cao: I don't know. But you know the rules, right?
Guo Jia: Err…right.
Cao Cao: Well, good! Now, let's see the rest of the instructions…"So, the non-Yingchuan natives should be the one to enter, and once you're there you have to withstand the attack of the villagers at you. Once you've passed then the Yingchuan natives can follow you. Good luck."
Guo Jia: D'aww…but I wanna go home! But I can't! Hwaaahhh!
Xun Yu: Shut up. What the hell do you even want once you're there anyway?
Guo Jia: Umm…
Xun Yu: Don't say it. I already know what it is. You're such a useless piece of shit.
Guo Jia: Hwaaahhh…
Cao Cao: Well…as said before, Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu have to stay here. I, Jia Xu, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Yue Jin, and Yu Jin will enter.
So the six non-Yingchuan natives entered the village.
Cao Cao: Hmm…oh my…well, gee! This is actually quite pleasant!
Jia Xu: Heh, I know right. The skies are clear, green meadows as far as the eyes can go, birds…such refreshing sight from all of those battles, right?
Zhang Liao: Now, I did hear it somewhere about Yingchuan being nicknamed 'The Village of Scholars'…or was it 'The Village of Pretty Boys'?
Yue Jin: 'Village of Pretty Boys'? You mean that this entire village is pretty much filled with pretty boys?!
Yu Jin: Well…I suppose Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu are enough proofs already…
Zhang He: Ooh my! If that's true, I suppose I will enjoy my time here!
Everyone: sweatdrop
Cao Cao: Okay, okay, let's get off the pretty boys topic for a while. So, uh…what are we going to do here? The villagers here seem nice, they don't seem to be angry, or…anything. I'm confused.
Jia Xu: Yeah, me too. Maybe we're supposed to wait?
Yue Jin: But are we really going to just stand around here like idiots? I mean, there must be something we can try around here!
Zhang Liao: That might be a good idea, but the problem is that we might break the rules, and…
Everyone: shudders at the image of Cai Wenji dying by explosions
Cao Cao: Huff, okay, okay, you know what, maybe we really are supposed to sit on our asses and wait for a villager to be angry at us.
Yue Jin: But-
Cao Cao: We are not going to risk that. No. Definitely no.
Jia Xu: And besides, what's wrong with sitting on our asses here, anyway? We can see such beautiful scenery-
Zhang He: AND THOSE HANDSOME BOYS! OH MY GOD!
Everyone: Err… sweatdrop
Cao Cao: ….including those. Yeah.
Yu Jin: Now that sorta brings up the question. Do you think that, um…do you think that the villagers are not gonna be…I don't know, suspicious at us?
Cao Cao: What do you mean?
Yu Jin: I mean, we suddenly show up at their village, wearing full armor, and we're old guys. Well, except for Yue Jin and Zhang He, but the problem is that the villagers might even try to drive us away from here!
Jia Xu: Isn't that the whole goddamn point here? We sit idle around here, waiting for some guy to be angry and start attacking us, then we try to withstand said attack!
Cao Cao: You know, he's got a point.
Yu Jin: …huh. Alright.
Pretty boy scholar 1#: Hm? Pstt, hey, do you see that?
Pretty boy scholar 2#: What?
Pretty boy scholar 1#: points at the six Those guys over there.
Pretty boy scholar 2#: Ooh, I see.
Pretty boy scholar 1#: Should we check them out?
Pretty boy scholar 2#: Definitely.
Pretty boy scholar 1#: walks up to Cao Cao Hey, where did you come from?
Cao Cao: Glkh! Eh, umm…from Wei!
Pretty boy scholar 2#: Wei? Hm, wait, isn't that the place Guo Jia and Xun Yu work at?
Pretty boy scholar 1#: Yeah, that's right?
Jia Xu: Wait, you guys know Guo Jia and Xun Yu?
Pretty boy scholar 1#: That's right! Those two are very famous in our village, you know.
Jia Xu: Famous?
Pretty boy scholar 2#: Of course. Xun Yu often gets crowded by all the girls around here, and Guo Jia always tries to woo them but always failing to do so.
Jia Xu: Sigh…why am I not surprised? Even back here they're still all the same.
Pretty boy scholar 1#: Hehe. Oh, but anyway! Seeing that you're an outsider, I suppose we would like to learn more about your customs.
Cao Cao: Like what?
Pretty boy scholar 2#: Well, many, we suppose. But ah, we see that you guys look quite fun to be around with…starts to get uncomfortably close to Cao Cao
Cao Cao: Uhh…buddy, you're getting too close.
Pretty boy scholar 2#: Oh, what's with it? Besides, there's no need to call me 'buddy', or anything…hehe…
Cao Cao: Err…
Jia Xu: Why is it getting a bit suspicious here?
Pretty boy scholar 1#: Aw, why must you be so suspicious at us? Just make yourself feel at home…hehe…
Jia Xu: What the…psst, Lord Cao Cao!
Cao Cao: What?
Jia Xu: You notice something strange?
Cao Cao: Zhang He certainly didn't!
Jia Xu: Great, you caught my cue.
Cao Cao: What the hell's with these villagers, anyway?!
Jia Xu: No fucking idea! Maybe this is what the sign meant by 'the villagers' attack'?!
Cao Cao: Don't know! Argh, I can withstand ANY attack, but THIS….
Jia Xu: Maybe we should escape!
Cao Cao: Okay!
Jia Xu: Follow my lead. Okay, one, two, THREE!
The six: runs away
Pretty boy scholar 1# and 2#: Huh?! Hey, what's with you guys?! Immediately chases
The six: GLK! They followed us!
Cao Cao: It's alright, it's alright, just try to maintain your speed!
Jia Xu: Hm? GLK! Uhh, guys….
Cao Cao: What?!
Jia Xu: points at behind
Cao Cao: What's with it…THE FUCK?!
They soon noticed that ALL villagers are now chasing them as well.
Cao Cao: WHAT THE HELL?! ALL OF THEM!
Zhang Liao: Well, shit! Now the entire village wants us!
Yue Jin: Seriously! Aside from being village of scholars and pretty boys, it's also a village of gays as well?!
Jia Xu: No wonder Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu are what they are…
Cao Cao: Guys! This is no time for chattering around! We have to get out of here!
The villagers: COME ON, TOURISTS! WE WANT YOUUUU!
The six: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Meanwhile, outside of Yingchuan…
Guo Jia: Oh, my god…how long are those six going to be there, anyway?!
Xun Yu: Geez, what's your problem, anyway?!
Guo Jia: I'm tired of having to sit on my ass for hours!
Xun Yu: Dude, we've been waiting of for only half an hour.
Guo Jia: But it's still tiring!
Xu Shu: Errghh…oh god…my head feels like it's splitting apart…
Guo Jia: Hm? Hey, Xu Shu! You're finally awake!
Xu Shu: I suppose…gah…I'll never drink again after this…
Xun Yu: Hm?! Hey, wait, what?!
Guo Jia: What?
Xun Yu: Look! Lord Cao Cao and the others are running away from…something…
Guo Jia: Really? Hmm…oh no. No. Don't tell me…
Cue the rushing (gay) villagers
Guo Jia and Xun Yu: jawdrop
Guo Jia: What the…hey, Xun Yu?
Xun Yu: Yeah?
Guo Jia: You…you still remember THAT, right?!
Xun Yu: Yes. Yes…of course.
Guo Jia: My goodness…right…NOW I know why we're so far away from home…
Xun Yu: Never thought those villagers remained the way they were, huh…
Guo Jia: You think they'll be okay?!
Xun Yu: Yeah…..no. No. They simply won't survive THAT.
Guo Jia: But if they die, we're fucked! And Cai Wenji too!
Xun Yu: I don't know…but I suppose in this situation, we just have to hope for the best.
Back at Yingchuan…
Cao Cao: Huff…huff…GAH! Just how far are we going to run?!
Jia Xu: Well, it's said that we have to withstand their attack, so…
Zhang He: BUT I'M TIRED ALREADY!
Yu Jin: Shut the fuck up and just run, will you?!
Jia Xu: Hm? Oh, hey! Good news!
Cao Cao: What?
Jia Xu: Look at them! Those gay villagers are being attacked by the female villagers…
Cao Cao: So it's basically a fangirl attack now?
Jia Xu: I suppose, wait…no.
Cao Cao: What?
Female villagers: Oh! Look at that! points at the six
The six: Oh, shit!
Female villagers: KYAAAAAHHHH! starts chasing
The six: AAAHHHHHH!
Back at outside of Yingchuan….
Guo Jia: Hmmh…huh…hey…what the hell?!
Xun Yu: What?!
Guo Jia: Look…LOOK AT THOSE! ALL THOSE FEMALE VILLAGERS ARE CHASING THE OTHER SIX GUYS!
Xun Yu: What the…you serious?!
Guo Jia: WAAAHHHH! I WANT ME SOME CHASING FANGIRLS TOO! runs towards Yingchuan
Xun Yu: What the- WAIT!
Guo Jia: AAAHHH…..LOVELY GIRLS, I'M COMIN- suddenly gets electrocuted GWAAAAHHHH!
Xun Yu: What the...HEY! You alright?!
Guo Jia: holds his crotch in pain Owwwhhh….my balls! MY BALLS! Gwraurgh…
Xun Yu: What…what happened to your balls?
Guo Jia: I….I was attempting to go to those chasing fangirls when suddenly something electrocuted my balls! Ouch….awh….hwaaahhh…huhuhuhuhu…
Xun Yu: Wow…must've been the 'punishment' you got for disobeying the signs, huh.
Guo Jia: Shut….up! Awwhhh…I feel like I could even barely walk for the next few hours…huhuhuhuhu….
Xun Yu: Well, your fault. Besides, why did you want those chasing fangirls, anyway? I used to have THOSE every goddamn day when we were still living here…goodness…
Back at Yingchuan…
Cao Cao: Huff, huff…good LORD! Those fangirls are even faster than the gay villagers!
Jia Xu: Uh-oh, they're getting closer!
Fangirls: KYAAAHHH!
Cao Cao: GAKH!
Soon, the six were trapped in a sea of Yingchuan fangirls.
Cao Cao: GAAAKHH! OOF!
Jia Xu: My…GOD! I CAN'T BREATHE!
Zhang Liao: For…fuck's…SAKE!
Zhang He: AAHHH! MY FRAIL, BEAUTIFUL BODY'LL BE CRUSHED!
Yue Jin: Why in the hell are they so interested in us, anyway?!
Yu Jin: We must…get out of here…arkh…
Jia Xu: Pant…pant…huff…oh! Hey, Lord Cao Cao!
Cao Cao: What?!
Jia Xu: Use….that stone!
Cao Cao: What stone?! Oh, right! pulls out the glowing artifact
Jia Xu: Yeah! Use it!
Cao Cao: Hrgh….HYAH!
Soon, the artifact shone brightly, and moments later, the six turned out to have disappeared.
Yingchuan fangirls: Huh?! Where'd they gone to?!
Outside of Yingchuan...
Xun Yu: Huh?! What's that glow?
Guo Jia: What?
Xun Yu: Over there! And…OH NO! Where…where'd Lord Cao Cao and the others gone to?!
Guo Jia: What?! They're gone?!
Xun Yu: Yeah…there's suddenly a light coming from there, and then…they're gone…
Guo Jia: Shit. Maybe we should check at what's going on?
Xun Yu: But is it okay?
Guo Jia: I don't know…I'll try to dip just my finger across the boundary, and…..whoa. It's fine!
Xun Yu: Really?
Guo Jia: Yeah! And just like the sign said, the Yingchuan natives can go once the other six have passed the challenge.
Xun Yu: So that means the six have already passed? But where are they now?
Guo Jia: That's the one thing we have to check! Come on!
Xun Yu: Hm, alright! Hey, Xu Shu! Come on!
Xu Shu: Huh? Ehm, okay! Argh! Ouch…my head's still spinning…argh…
To Be Continued….
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