A/N: Surprise… I'm updating earlier than even I expected. Two things you should know before you start reading this:

I don't know what happened at Georgetown. I'm just guessing, because they've never really told us anything.

I think it's a good idea to have tissues ready before reading this.

As always, thank you for your support, and I hope you'll keep telling me what you think.

Alicia stared hard at the ceiling, her body gone completely rigid. She held her breath as she lay there underneath him, trying to grasp the meaning of the three words that had just come tumbling out of his mouth.

I love you.

Three words that were supposed be magical, to fill someone's heart with joy. And hearing them from this wonderful man did make her heart skip several beats, she had to admit. But what did those three words even mean?

Silently exhaling, she continued looking at the ceiling as a slideshow of memories began playing through her head.

Robert, Jack, Phil, Steven, Nico, Scott, Patrick… As a girl, she'd seen her mother 'love' a different man almost every month, and she had vowed to never become like that. Once she found someone to love, she would stick with him.

Years later, when she was a law student, she thought she had found him. Her husband-to-be had told her he loved her, after putting a beautiful engagement ring on her finger. She'd been so sure then that this was the kind of love that would last forever. The kind of love she'd been saving herself for all these years.

Not a week later, she'd caught him cheating on her for the very first time.

She had sought comfort — or possibly revenge — in the arms of another man. A willing, available man, who had the reputation of being a womanizer, even back then. A man she felt secretly drawn to, just like all the girls on campus. One night only. Uncomplicated. No love involved. But it had been so much better with him than it was with Peter, and she wasn't prepared for the spark that it ignited inside her, making her think she'd been wrong about what love really meant.

The next night, Will had hooked up with some other girl.

And Alicia put her engagement ring back around her finger, having decided that love was probably one of those words that meant different things to different people. To her, it meant stability. Peter could give her that. In the year that followed, he had gone out of his way to show her over and over again that he still loved her, and in the end she'd chosen to believe him. Chosen to believe that the love she read about, the love she saw in movies, was merely the stuff or fairytales. Chosen to look the other way again and again, whenever she suspected he wasn't as faithful as he appeared.

Until it all exploded in her face and she couldn't look away anymore.

And again, Will had been there for her. This time, he had told her that he loved her, even if it was just a slip on the phone. Words that came as easy to him as they did to her mother — but not to her. To her, it had become a worn-out, meaningless, exhausted phrase by then. She just knew that what she felt for Will was completely different from what she felt for Peter, and that it scared the hell out of her. But she hadn't been able to put a name on those feelings.

Until it was too late.

Only when Will was forever out of reach had she realized that when it came to love, actions may speak louder than words. His actions had spoken of nothing but love. She didn't like what her own actions had spoken of. What kind of woman could do to a man what she had done to Will? A heartless woman. A woman not worthy of the storybook love she didn't even believe in.

And now, John had told her that he loved her. Three words that meant different things to different people. What did they mean to him? How should she interpret them? And how long would it last after he found out what she was really like?

He stirred then, and raised his head to look at her, his eyes wary. She felt his sharp intake of breath, and saw his expression change into a mixture of alarm and… regret? It was only when she felt his thumb wipe gently at her cheek that she realized there were tears leaking from her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean it… I mean, I did… I do. But I didn't mean… It just sort of… Slipped out."

"It's fine, John, really. I understand it was the heat of the moment. And they're just words." Alicia tried a smile, but it felt shaky. At least she wasn't crying anymore.

"No. You're wrong. They're not just words." He shook his head, then leaned in until there was barely any space left between their mouths. "It's how I feel." His lips came down on hers ever so gently then, capturing her mouth in a kiss so tender it almost made her cry all over again.

Before the tears could start flowing, she broke the kiss and pushed at his shoulders, needing to create some space between them. When he rolled off of her, she sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees. After a few moments of silence, she felt his hand touch her back.

"Are you alright?" His voice was laced with worry and compassion.

She nodded. Then, with a sigh, she looked back at him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If you really love me, then… Why did you leave?" She turned her face forward again. After a silence that felt longer than the seconds it must have been, she felt his weight shift on the mattress as he sat up beside her.

"I was actually planning on staying," he said. "But then Peter walked in, and you…" He shrugged, looking away from her.

Something she had done had made him leave? Alicia went over the events of election night, trying to figure out what it could have been."I what?" she asked eventually.

"You looked happy."

"Well, I was happy." She frowned. "So were you. We were celebrating my win, remember?"

"No, we weren't. You were. You—and Peter." He looked at her again, his eyes guarded. "You looked… perfect together."

"But you must have known Peter and I were just…" Alicia shook her head, understanding what he was saying, but still not quite getting it02. Projecting the image of the happy couple was an art she and Peter had perfected over the years, she knew that. But she would have never thought it would fool John as well. Not after witnessing her interactions with Peter during her campaign. Not after… "And you and I had just—Oh." She cringed when it suddenly became crystal clear to her. "My e-mail." Her stupid, thoughtless, businesslike e-mail. She looked at him for confirmation.

He nodded.

"God, John… I'm so sorry. I didn't realize…" She buried her head in her hands. "I'm so stupid," she muttered, more to herself than to him.

"No, you're not." She felt his arm come around her shoulders.

"Yes, I am," she insisted. "I sent that e-mail without even thinking about it. About you. About how it would… affect you." Talk about actions speaking louder than words, she thought, clenching her eyes shut.

"Alicia…" He pulled her against him and pressed a kiss on her hair. "It's okay. I understand. Really."

She looked up at him then, hesitantly, afraid that his eyes would tell a different story. But they didn't. He truly understood. And she realized then that he had never told her anything but the truth.

Including today.

"You really did come back for me…" she said, amazed.

"I tried to stay away, but…" He raised a hand to her face, cupping her cheek. "I couldn't."

"Because…" Alicia swallowed. "Because you love me."

She didn't need his cautious nod to finally believe him. She saw it in his eyes. Those three little words, coming from him, meant exactly what they said.

"Okay." She sighed, knowing that one word wasn't nearly enough. But it was all she had right now. At least until he knew exactly what he was getting himself into.

§§§

Okay?

John blinked. This was a first. He hadn't told a lot of women that he loved them, but the few that he had told, hadn't responded like this. Then again, none of them had been anything remotely like Alicia Florrick. And there was a reason he hadn't wanted to tell her yet, he reminded himself.

"Look, Alicia... I know it might be too soon for you, and that's fine, really. I didn't say it because I want you to say it back or anything... I know you still love Will, and..."

"John." A sad smile crossed her face. "You're instructing me on my feelings again. Let's not do that, okay?"

"Okay." He couldn't help but smile at the reference to their first conversation about feelings, but the smile faded quickly with her next words.

"You're right. I do still love Will. I think part of me always will, in some way. But that's not… I-I actually feel like I've moved on from Will." She was silent for a couple of heartbeats. He watched a blush creep up to her cheeks, and when she spoke again she dropped her gaze to her hands and her voice was soft, almost shy. "And you helped me do that. That first night."

"I'm glad I could do that for you," he managed to choke out, despite the lump that was suddenly forming in his throat.

"I needed someone to do that for me. You were around. I felt… attracted to you. Physically. That's all it was. Just a one-night stand. Just sex."

He'd known, of course, but it still wasn't easy to hear her say it out loud. Her words felt like kicks in the gut, actually.

"But I couldn't stop thinking about you after that," she continued, and because that had to be a good sign, he felt his stomach ease a little. Only to start churning again when she went on, "The thing is, I was in love with—or I thought I was in love with—someone else. I even… I kissed him."

"Who?" John heard himself ask, wondering why he even wanted to know. The mere thought of Alicia kissing some other guy was enough to make him want to punch something, preferably said guy's face.

Alicia looked up at him, her eyes thoughtful. "That doesn't matter now. What matters is, I was wrong. I wasn't in love with him. I just thought I was. But I couldn't get you out of my mind, even when I was kissing him. I was wishing it was you, actually."

"Good." He wouldn't have to punch anyone, then.

She let out a brief chuckle, but her eyes were still serious. "What I'm saying is… I wasn't prepared for… This. You. And…" She sighed heavily. "I'm not sure if I can do it."

His heart nearly stopped beating when she said that, but he tried not to jump to conclusions. "Do what? What do you mean?"

Alicia climbed off the bed and picked up her dress from where it had landed on the floor. She pulled it on over her head, without putting her lingerie back on first. Then she went to stand by the window and pulled up the blind.

"Alicia?" John wanted nothing more than to get up and go to her, but he decided to stay where he was. Apparently, she needed some space.

"Peter came by this morning, after Davenport left," she said, still not looking at him. "He's agreed to the divorce."

"Okay…" he said, trying to figure out where this sudden change in subject had come from. "Well, that's good news… Isn't it?"

"He also told me he has a daughter. Lauren."

Hell. John got off the bed, grabbing his boxers. He pulled them on and walked to the window. Screw her need for space. She looked lost and alone, standing there hugging herself, and he couldn't stand the sight. She needed him now, whether she knew it or not. Whether she liked it or not.

She turned around to face him. "I actually know Lauren. She's Ramona's daughter. You know, Ramona Lytton?"

"Peter's lawyer." He pulled her into his arms. "That must hurt like a bitch." No wonder she'd been so emotional when she came here. The next time he saw Peter, he would…

"Lauren is four months younger than Zach," she said, like he hadn't spoken at all.

He'd always been good with numbers, so it didn't take him more than a heartbeat to do the math and come up with what it meant. Still, he couldn't believe that even Peter Florrick could be such a gigantic asshole. "That jackass was sleeping with her when you were pregnant?"

"Yes." Alicia stepped back from him slightly, but didn't leave his embrace. Her gaze was weary when she tilted her head to look at him. "He told me he loved me. He kept telling me that for almost twenty-one years, even when he was fucking all those other women behind my back, John. What does that tell you?"

Easy question. "That he is a lying sack of shit."

"I mean, what does it tell you about me?" Tears filled her eyes and she stepped away from him entirely, hugging herself again. Before he could say anything, she continued, "What does it say about a woman, when she stays with a lying sack of shit for more than two decades, even when the first time she caught him fucking someone else was before they even got married?"

He winced as he imagined what that must have been like for her. "Alicia, honey, you can't blame yourself for…"

"And what does it say when that same woman finds another man who tells her he loves her, and means it, and she throws it all away, like it's nothing? When she turns her back on him and walks away, betrays his trust… Sends him to his death?" She was sobbing now, tears streaming freely, and she raised her hands and buried her face in them.

John was at a loss for words. She blamed herself for Peter's cheating and Will's death? He reached out to her, but she tightened all her muscles and refused to let him pull her against him. So instead, he stepped close to her and folded his arms around her rigid shoulders, holding her as tightly as he could. After a couple of minutes of her sobbing uncontrollably and him making comforting sounds and stroking her back, Alicia let out a long, shuddering breath and collapsed against him.

She raised her head, and his heart ached when he saw the desolation in her eyes. Her voice was flat, toneless, when she spoke. "So you see, it doesn't really matter that I lo… That I've fallen for you. In the end, I won't be able to give you what you need."

Then she buried her face against his chest again, and he rested his chin on top of her head as he tried to think of something to say to her.

§§§

Alicia had never been in one, but she imagined this floating, detached feeling was what it must feel like to be in an air balloon that had just shed all its ballast and taken off. She hadn't meant to tell John all that, but once she'd started talking, there had been no stopping. The words had kept bursting out of her, almost as if on their own. And now she was holding her breath, waiting for whatever he was going to say. He now knew everything important there was to know about her, who she really was. Surely he must understand now how unworthy she was of his love?

"Alicia, look at me," he said in a firm tone, finally breaking the silence. He waited for her to look up before continuing, "I need you to listen very carefully to me now. Can you do that?"

She nodded, bracing herself.

"I. Love. You." He spoke slowly, very deliberately, and in his eyes she found nothing but the love he spoke of. "I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, in fact. Okay?"

"But…" She stopped talking when he put a finger on her lips.

"Shhh. I wasn't done yet. Now," He used his thumb to wipe at the tears on her cheeks. "I know this will probably come as a shock to you, but you are not responsible for other people's happiness. Not Peter's. Not Will's." His other hand came up too, and he put both of them around her face, holding her head still so she couldn't look away from him. "And not mine. All I will ever need from you, is for you to be happy and for you to want to be with me."

Alicia waited for him to say more, but apparently he was done for now. She closed her eyes to escape his gaze as she tried to find any holes in what he'd just said. She was sure there must be something, that love couldn't be that easy. But the emotional roller coaster she'd been riding for most of today had taken its toll. She felt exhausted, her mind overloaded with everything that had happened.

"John… I don't know what to say," she whispered, opening her eyes again and meeting his. "I can't seem to think straight anymore. And I need to think about what you said."

"That's okay, I understand. Take as long as you need." He smiled, and when he continued, his eyes twinkled. "Although, in the meantime, I wouldn't mind hearing you say again that you've fallen for me."

Despite everything, she couldn't help but smile as she leaned her face closer to his and whispered, "I have, you know. Like a rock." With that, she closed the gap between them and kissed him, as a sense of joy started seeping into her heart.

No. Not the end. More chapters to come. But I'm getting ready for another vacation, so I don't know when I'll update again. Keep an eye on my profile page, I'll post there as soon as I can tell you more about when I'm expecting the next chapter to be online.