Chapter 9: Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 1
Cao Cao: Hmm…WHOA! Holy shit!
Zhang Liao: T-THAT'S the Hefei Fortress?! What the…
Guo Jia: What's this place anyway? It looks awfully like some dungeon crawler or something…
Xun Yu: It's the fortress we built in Hefei, hence the name Hefei Fortress. Wu had attempted to take it several times, but they always failed.
Guo Jia: Huh…well, if the goddamn fortress looks like THIS, who could stand in the way of it?!
Jia Xu: No, actually. The Hefei Fortress I used to know certainly didn't look anything like THIS! Yeah sure, it was strong enough to withhold Wu's attack, but nowhere as massive and spooky as this!
Xu Shu: Then again, maybe it was like the one at Xiapi…
Cao Cao: Well, damn! If we actually had this sort of thing around all the time, we'd be unstoppable! Hah! Oh well, let's check the sign over here at the entrance…hmm…"Now, when you get in, you'll find an entrance. Only one person at a time is allowed to enter it. After that, wait for the next sign for the next instructions." Okay! You heard what it said! Let's go!
Inside Hefei Fortress…
Cao Cao: Hmm…well, that's the door.
Everyone: …
Guo Jia: …that's…
Jia Xu: Sorta of a creepy entrance, actually.
Xu Shu: …you…you think it's safe…?
Xun Yu: I know right…god, I just can feel some sort of an evil being lurking over there…
Zhang Liao: Safe or not, we need to go to save Cai Wenji.
Yue Jin: But, still…
Cao Cao: …well, it said that only one person is allowed to enter the door at a time. So…I'll go first!
Everyone: Gulp…
Cao Cao: Hmm…walks in Gah, it's dark…is there no lights over here? Wait, what's this? AAAAAHHHH!
Everyone: LORD CAO CAOOOOO!
Zhang Liao: WAIT! Only one person can enter at a time…so I'll go first! HYAH! LORD CAO CAO! WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU OKAY?! Huh?! AAAAHHHHH!
Yu Jin: GAH! Okay, I'm next! HYAH! HEY, YOU TWO! WHERE ARE YOU?! WAAAAHHH!
Yue Jin: ARGH! Yu Jin too?! Okay, HERE GOES! AAAAAAHHH!
Everyone: GLKH!
Guo Jia: W-w-w-w-w-what sh-sh-should w-we d-d-do?!
Xu Shu: Waaaahhh! I wanna go hooommmeeee!
Jia Xu: QUIT YOUR WHINING! Okay, look, we may don't know WHAT is waiting in there, but with half of us being possibly snatched away, we just can't let them!
Xun Yu: Then let's go!
Jia Xu: Okay, okay! Now, who goes first, hmm…oy, Zhang He?
Zhang He: W-what?
Jia Xu: gently pokes Zhang He so that he falls into the entrance
Zhang He: WAAAAHHHH!
Everyone: GLKH!
Guo Jia: GAH! Jia Xu, why did you do that?!
Jia Xu: shrugs Well, he seems to be the one among us who would fall by the slightest of pokes. So I took what I got.
Xun Yu: B-but, he-
Jia Xu: Now, let's listen…ah great, there's no sound coming from him. That means he has successfully joined the others. Anyone next?
Everyone: …
Jia Xu: Hmmm…okay! Xu Shu!
Xu Shu: AAAHHH! NO! NO! NOT MEEEEE!
Jia Xu: drags Xu Shu Ah, seriously, ever since we went on this journey you've done nothing but worrying. pushes him to the entrance
Xu Shu: WAAAAHHH!
Jia Xu: Okay! And now….
Guo Jia: GLK! PICK HIM! PICK HIM! points to Xun Yu
Xun Yu: NO! NO! HIM! HIM! points at Guo Jia
Jia Xu: Hmmm…you know what, you both go.
Guo Jia and Xun Yu: WHAT?! But two people can't go at the same time!
Jia Xu: Yeah, I know that. Which is way I'm throwing Guo Jia first and then you.
Guo Jia: GAH! Why me?!
Jia Xu: Aaahh, don't worry, you won't be alone for long. tosses Guo Jia into the entrance
Guo Jia: Waitwaitwaitwait-AAAAAHHHHHH!
Jia Xu: There! You next! tosses Xun Yu into the entrance
Xun Yu: WAAAAHHHH!
Jia Xu: Whew, that cleared it up….well, here goes! HYAH! Huh?! WOAAAAHHHHH!
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Cao Cao: ….gaaahhh….good lord, what was that?! Now I'm dizzy…hm? What is this room? And…oh, the sign! Let's see…"Okay, now you're ready for your next challenge. Right now, all of you are separated from each other and are placed in different rooms, each filled with different challenges for each people. When you passed, you'll get an artifact. What you have to do is to pass through these obstacles safely and head towards the 801st floor to face the final adversary here. Good luck." Huh, I see. Hmm…this room looks harmless enough, actually. steps forwards carefully.
Suddenly, upon stepping on a tile, the tile immediately spewed out fire.
Cao Cao: WHAT THE FU- stumbles over and accidentally presses on a tile on the wall that spewed out fire as well GAH! Seriously-
Just at that time, suddenly fire arrows came out of the wall and almost hit Cao Cao.
Cao Cao: Wha- AAAAHHHH!
He barely avoided it, and as a result became cornered by the fire-spewing tiles and fire arrows.
Cao Cao: Pant, pant…what? Ah, shit. So this is how it goes, huh? I have to carefully guess which tiles spew out fire and which don't…and also avoiding those fire arrows. Good lord, bad memories are coming back again, not to mention that fire is super-effective against me. Huff…okay, here goes.
Then, Cao Cao took each of his steps little by little, and everytime he just happens to step upon a fire-tile, he stumbles a bit, but managed to quickly regain his balance.
Cao Cao: Huff…okay…careful…careful….AAAHHH! Huff…those fire arrows can come from anywhere, can't they? Tch..hoop! Hoop! AAAHH! Argh, seriously! Hrmf, if this is how I'm gonna do it, I'm not gonna make it! There MUST be some sort of a pattern upon these fire-tiles…hmph, let's see…
After that, Cao Cao tried to make his way out again.
Cao Cao: GAH! For the love of GOD! Is there ANY way I can get out of this?! Hrmf…
Suddenly, a puff of smoke appeared before Cao Cao. When the smoke disappeared, it reveals the Two Qiaos.
Cao Cao: …what?! The Two Qiaos of Wu?! What the, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
Xiaoqiao: Tee-hee! You don't need to know, creep!
Daqiao: You won't be able to catch us!
Cao Cao: What the- Okay, NOW you're getting on my nerves! Brats like you should be punished! HYAH!
Two Qiaos: Try us! HAHAHAHAAAA! runs away
Cao Cao: What the- HEY! COME BACK HERE! chases the Two Qiaos
Unfortunately, chasing the Two Qiaos caused Cao Cao to forget about the fire tiles and thus resulting in him stepping on them, causing him to knock back each time, all while still trying to chase the Qiaos.
Cao Cao: WAH! Gah! Ouch! Ouwie! YEOW! OWH! AWAWAWAH! GAH! YOU! LITTLE! SHEOW! GET BACK! FRWAAAHHH! HERE!
Two Qiaos: pulls an eyelid at Cao Cao
Cao Cao: finally snaps Grrr…..OKAY, THAT'S IT! suddenly creates a massive ice ball and lifts it up TAAAAKEEEEE THIIIIISSSSSS! throws it to the Qiaos
Two Qiaos: KYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Cao Cao: Pant, pant, pant….
However, after the ice ball hit the Qiaos, suddenly a bright light appeared and the ice ball imploded.
Cao Cao: WHOAH! What….?
Then, it suddenly reveals the Qiaos in their grown-up forms.
Cao Cao: jawdrop
Daqiao: Ouch…what…what happened to us?
Xiaoqiao: Yaaayyyy! Sis, we're adults now!
Daqiao: Really? Oh god…this feels so weird…
Xiaoqiao: Nah, it's alright! We'll get used to it! I'm getting so sick of being stuck as a loli for years!
Cao Cao: drools …ohohohohohoooo….you know what, screw lolis! THIS is what I'm talking about!
Two Qiaos: AAAAHHHH! runs away
Cao Cao: Whaaattt?! Come on ladies, I'm a gentleman! Why don't you want mee?!
Again, this caused Cao Cao to stumble upon many fiery tiles, but that doesn't even slow his ambition to get the adult Qiaos down one bit. Once he finally gets near to them, though…
Cao Cao: GWAHAHAHAHA! I GOT YOU NOW! HOOF!
Two Qiaos: KYAAAAHHHH!
Cao Cao: HYAAAHHH! Oh, WHOA! HEY! What's this smoke?! Gah…huh?! W-wait a minute….where, where'd they go?! WHERE DID THE NON-LOLI QIAOS GOOOO?! ….huh? Cards? So they were cards the whole effin time! Sigh…way to ruin my ambition….at least I can later masturbate to this though…
However, he later sees the door in front of him opens.
Cao Cao: ….what? So THAT was it?! Huh….right. If it weren't for the Qiaos, I wouldn't even have gotten pass through these fire tiles anyway. Oh well. goes through the door …oh, shit. Huff…this is going to be one LONG trip. Prepare yourself.
After getting up the stairs all the way to the 100th floor…
Cao Cao: PANT…PANT…good fucking goddamned LORD! Huff…fuck, I definitely need to catch my breath first…oh, fuck…
Zhang Liao: Hm?! Lord Cao Cao!
Cao Cao: Eh? Zhang Liao!
Zhang Liao: You look so exhausted.
Cao Cao: Of course! I came to the 100th floor all the way from the 1st floor!
Zhang Liao: Oh? So this is the 100th floor, eh? I see…
Cao Cao: Hmmm…wait, if this is the case then the rest of us might be also transferred to the 200th, 300th, 400th floors, and so on! Oh fuck, I don't think I can handle this…
Zhang Liao: It's all right. I can help you.
Cao Cao: Thanks a lot. By the way, you recently came out of your challenge room?
Zhang Liao: Yeah. And I also got this.
Cao Cao: ….a cat badge?
Zhang Liao: Yeah.
Cao Cao: Err…what was your challenge, anyway?
Zhang Liao: Well, it was sorta embarrassing…but ah hell.
Flashback through Zhang Liao's POV…
Zhang Liao: …grrrmmhh….oh, god! My head feels like it's cracking in two….WHOA! W-wha?!
Zhang Liao found himself waking up in a pink and girly room.
Zhang Liao: What the…does, does the Hefei Fortress even have anything like THIS?! I really feel like this should be for Zhang He instead…hrngh…hm? The sign! Let's see….oh, so everyone is getting different challenges to go through, but I, who is famed as the freaking Demon of Hefei himself, got THIS?! WHAT THE FUCK! …huff, okay, okay, it's alright. It doesn't matter if this challenge is demeaning, but I WILL take on ANY challenges, so BRING IT ON! Hmph, let's see what we got here…
He walked across the pink room. Until he came across a mirror.
Zhang Liao: …hm? Hey…wait a minute….what?! HOW THE HELL I'M SUDDENLY WEARING THAT GODFORSAKEN FAIRYTALE DLC?! AH! NO! NOOOOOOO! …huff, huff…seriously! Everyone made a big joke outta me when this costume first came out, and I've desperately tried to forget it since then…BUT NOW I REMEMBER HOW RIDICULOUS I LOOK AGAIN! GRAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH-
"Meow."
Zhang Liao: Huh?!
Zhang Liao turned around and saw a cat, staring at him.
Zhang Liao: ….
Cat: …meow?
Zhang Liao: Tch! Shoo! Go away!
Cat: Meow~ snuggles up to Zhang Liao
Zhang Liao: What the- I told you! Piss off!
Cat: pisses at Zhang Liao's clothes
Zhang Liao: GAH! I DIDN'T MEAN LITERAL PISSING! EWWWW!
Cat: Meow?
Zhang Liao: Tch…seriously. Go. AWAY!
Cat: Meow~ curls up in Zhang Liao's lap and sleeps
Zhang Liao: The hell?
Cat: Purr…
Zhang Liao: Hrmsf…huh. Okay, control yourself, Zhang Liao. Taking care of this obnoxious feline might be the challenge itself. It's annoying, yes, but I can take it.
Cat: Purr~ snuggles to Zhang Liao
Zhang Liao: Hrmph. But really though, couldn't they have given a much, MUCH better challenge than this? I'm the one who made the battle of Hefei so iconic, and yet they've tasked me with taking care of cats.
And then, Zhang Liao noticed a box on the floor.
Zhang Liao: What's this? Hm? There are only two candies in it…"Caution: the black candy contains an ingredient indigestible by cats and could potentially cause death." I see! This means I have to give this cat the white one. takes the white candy
Cat: Meow!
Zhang Liao: Here, here, kitty, kitty…want some?
Cat: MEOW!
Zhang Liao: Here, catch!
Cat: MEOW!
Zhang Liao: YEOW!
Cat: eats the white candy
Zhang Liao: Ouch…you bit me too hard! Argh, I think it's bleeding…oh well, compared to what I've endured at the battlefield, this is no-
However, suddenly Zhang Liao noticed that the cat is having strange behaviors.
Cat: …ggrrrrr…
Zhang Liao: …huh? Hey, kitty…what's wrong?
Cat: …hrrr…grmklsgh….
Zhang Liao: Errr…okay, maybe I accidentally gave it the black one? No, the black one is still here, I'm pretty sure I gave it the white one…
Cat: …..GROAAAWWWRRRR!
Zhang Liao: WAAAHHH! WHAT?!
Suddenly, the cat proceeded to transform into an enormous monster cat.
Monster Cat: Hrrr….grrrrhhhh….
Zhang Liao: ….GULP.
Monster Cat: GROOOOAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR! swipes at Zhang Liao
Zhang Liao: WAAAHHH! Oh god…WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED! OH MY GOD! WAH!
Monster Cat: GRAAAAAAAA!
Zhang Liao: KYAH! Pant, pant...seriously! Could it have been the candy! Gah! takes the instructions on the candy box Let's see, aside from the caution about the black candy-
Monster Cat: GRAAAAA!
Zhang Liao: AAAHHH! Whew, that was a close one! Okay, it turns out there's a second page here…"More caution: the white candy could cause cats to transform into a monstrous being whenever they drink blood if eaten." looks at his bloodied fingers shit, it must've been this!
Monster Cat: Grrrr…hrrrrrlll….
Zhang Liao: Gulp, shit! What should I do? What can I use to fight this thing?! Ehrm… takes out rapier Okay! Now come at me!
Monster Cat: GRUAAAAARRRR!
Unfortunately, Zhang Liao's attacks didn't have a single effect against the Monster Cat.
Monster Cat: Grrrrrggglllll…
Zhang Liao: G-gah! Shit, I can't keep on!
Monster Cat: finally grabs Zhang Liao's rapier and bends it
Zhang Liao: widens eyes …oooooohhhhhh shitttt….
Monster Cat: GRAAAAARRRRR!
Zhang Liao: WAAAHHH! Huff, huff…crap, crap crap CRAP! Is there ANYTHING else I could use?! Hrmf….hey, wait a minute! The black candy! That's it! Hmp! uses the rapier to pierce the black candy like a barbecue Oy, pussy!
Monster Cat: Grr?
Zhang Liao: Hehe… grins evilly then points the black candy on the rapier at the Monster Cat
Monster Cat: Gr?! immediately becomes fixated at the black candy
Zhang Liao: Here, here, kitty, kitty…you want some?
Monster Cat: Grrrrrr! Graaaaa!
Zhang Liao: Haha, well, if you want it, you have it. TAKE THIS! HYAH! thrusts the black candy onto the Monster Cat's mouth
Monster Cat: GLK!
Zhang Liao: lands dramatically before sheathing his rapier dramatically Hmph. turns around dramatically as the Monster Cat falls dead Well. That was sorta fast. And now… walks outside of the door …huh? My clothes returned to normal! And…what's this thing on my hand? A cat badge? Huh…I wonder how the others are doing…
Back to the present…
Zhang Liao: …and not long after that, you came.
Cao Cao: ….huh. Well, not really an embarrassing story, if I say.
Zhang Liao: But still! I had to fight a freaking CAT that turned into a gigantic abomination because of my doings. How about you, huh?
Cao Cao: Eek! Erm…
Zhang Liao: …by the way, what are those you're holding? Cards?
Cao Cao: AAHHH! Wait wait wait don't see it yet-
Zhang Liao: …turns around to Cao Cao with a 'seriously?' expression …really?
Cao Cao: Argh, okay, you know what, all of this really wasn't like what you think! Yeah true I was being a creep, but come on!
Zhang Liao: ….
Cao Cao: …okay, okay, tell you what, we don't have any time to waste here. We must go and see the others!
To Be Continued….
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