"There are many ways of getting strong, sometimes talking is the best way."
―Andre Agassi,Open
I had to be sure. But how was I supposed to know? How did you flirt with someone? Suddenly, I was drawing a blank, not only on my own experiences, but those of every romantic comedy ever made. I knew my eyes were huge, and my breathing had quickened. How did I do this?
Why don't you pretend he's Finn?
That was a good idea. I pulled my shoulders back in an effort to look taller, then lowered my eyes to half mast. "So, Blaine Anderson, tell me about yourself. Age? Hobbies? Girlfriends name?" See, that was subtle, wasn't it?
Really? You think that was subtle? That was completely pathetic. Finn is more subtle then that! If you're going to do that, why don't you just flat out ask if he's gay?
So what? I never had to see this Blaine boy again if I didn't want to. 35 minutes now, and I would be gone from this coffee shop, off to my appointment
His smile grew, and I realized that that voice was right after all. He had been flirting, and I had just flirted back. How did I get myself out of this situation?
Belatedly, I realized he was still speaking. "I just turned 16. Um, this will probably make you never want to speak to me again, but I love singing. I'm actually a member of the Warblers, which is our schools Glee club. And no girlfriend, I'm gay."
Dear God, my dream package was sitting across the table from me. Gay and out of the closet, member of the Glee Club, dark hair, soulful eyes. Plus, he was a year younger, which made a part of me that I usually tried to repress feel like a total stud. This Blaine was perfect.
Only he wasn't Finn. In a world where there was no Finn, or where Finn was completely uninterested, then Blaine might be exactly what I was looking for. But I had already found my man. My coffee and muffin were forgotten my now, as I leaned forward and rested my head on my hand. "You aren't from Lima, are you?"
"No. How could you tell?"
"I'll give you a tip. I wouldn't just tell people here that you're gay. That's a sure ticket to getting your ass kicked." I said it as kindly as possible. This Blaine needed someone to look out of him, and I didn't want to see anything bad happen to him.
He leaned forward so our faces were almost touching. "I wouldn't just say that to anyone. But I'm guessing that you're gay, too, so I knew you would understand."
Apparently I really was that obvious. A part of me knew that this could still be some sort of trap that he might be setting me up so I would confess and confirm his suspicions. But I was in a public place, not to mention bigger then him. And I would be lying if I didn't say that the thought of having another gay boy to talk to wasn't incredibly appealing. I gave him a weak nod.
"I thought so. The way you looked when I asked you who Finn was. Your mouth said friend, but your eyes said boyfriend. Is he still in the closet? Because that's a tough one."
Just like everything else to do with Finn, that was true, but it was way more complicated then that. I smiled, thinking about everything Finn and I had been through. "Technically. Finn Hudson defies description on his best day."
I knew it was a mistake the minute the words came out of my mouth. Blaine's eyes shot open. "Finn Hudson? The Finn Hudson? Of the Lima murder/kidnapping case? You're right, that's complicated."
Great, now I was stuck with this kid. Everyone in Ohio probably knew Finn's name, though I doubted many of them had any idea what he looked like. Every once in a while, he was recognized, but no one had ever approached us. They mostly just stared at him, like they expected him to do something amazing. It didn't matter much, since Finn was so busy scanning the area for people who were actually out to get him to worry about people who were just looking. I nodded at Blaine. "Yeah, it's a mess."
He must have sensed that the subject was now closed, because he moved on. "So, Kurt, tell me about you, then. Hobbies? Age?" He playfully tossed my own words back at me.
"I'm 17 years old and I'm going to be junior this year. I actually sing in my schools Glee Club, too, which is kind of weird."
Blaine gave deep sigh. "Figures. Cute, gay, older man who loves to sing? Of course he's taken."
Suddenly, my relationship with Finn was very, very real. Of course, I had known that it was happening before, that I had gotten the man I wanted most in the world, but it had never seemed real. We hadn't told anyone (and Mercedes and Tina don't count. They guessed, and I still hadn't confirmed it to them). I had never, ever called Finn my boyfriend to anyone but the man himself.
But now it was a solid thing. This man had just flat out told me that he would be interested in me, and I would have to turn him down because I already had a boyfriend. I was really in a relationship, and the thought made me dizzy. "Sorry."
He tried to play it off. "Ah, you know what they say. The cute ones are always either taken or straight."
It was corny, but it did make me laugh. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, when I met Finn he was both taken and straight, so there's always hope."
"How long have the two of you been together? I mean, it must have been terrible while he was…away." He fumbled for the right descriptor, clearly unsure of how to delicately phrase it. Welcome to our world of the Hudson-Hummel family.
"It was, but we weren't together then. We've only been together for a few weeks and it's kind of a secret."
One that you blabbed to the first boy who batted his eyes at you. Good job, genius.
But I knew that Blaine would keep the secret. I didn't know how I knew that, but I was 100% sure. He drew an 'X' over his heart, the solemn expression on his face making me want to laugh. "I promise I won't tell anyone. What about your family? Any brothers or sisters?"
"No, I'm an only child. My mom died when I was 7, but now he's dating Carole and she and Finn live with us." Again, my mouth was ahead of my brain. Dad and Carole really hadn't been together that long, and I had never had a chance to consider Finn in any sort of brotherly way. I was, however, aware of how it sounded to outsiders.
Sure enough, Blaine was staring incredulously. "Um, so is Finn your brother or your boyfriend, or both?"
"For the moment? My boyfriend. If Dad marries Carole, he'll be my stepbrother. I know, it's weird. It's a long and convoluted story, and it does not paint me in a particularly flattering light, so lets just leave it at the two of them are dating."
My phone beeped, telling me it was time for my appointment. Had it really been almost a half hour? "It's been great, Blaine, but I have to grab Finn a coffee and get going." Since being around Blaine seemed to destroy my mental filters, I was glad that I managed to refrain from announcing that I was on my way to go visit a therapist. At least I had that small amount of dignity left.
He grabbed a napkin and scrawled his number on it. "If you ever want to hang out or something, give me a call. Just as friends, don't worry."
A boy who was attracted to me had just given me his number in a coffee shop. Wow. I quickly jotted down mine back. "See you later."
I was still in a haze as I got Finn a coffee (regular with caramel and extra whipped cream) and strutted out the door. My ego had been puffed up today, which was great, because I was pretty sure that it was going to take some serious blows later on.
There was an open parking spot right in front of the building, which was another good sign. Things were going pretty smoothly today. Finn was waiting in the reception area, flipping through an old People magazine. I dropped off his coffee and collected a quick hug. He wouldn't kiss me, not in public, but his eyes went very gentle, so I knew he wanted to. I rummaged around in my messenger bag and pulled out a paperback and a notebook. "You have a date with Les Miserables. I expect an outline by tomorrow, and remember to cite your quotes." He shot me a blank look. "I'll help you cite things, just make sure you note which pages you got things from. And do not call Rachel, because spending 4 hours watching the musical and then listening to her sing all the songs is not going to help you write this paper."
From the way his forehead wrinkled, I knew that he had intended to do just that. The door opened. "Kurt Hummel?"
Finn patted my leg. "Knock 'em dead."
My therapist looked like a therapist, which was kind of soothing. She had grey hair in a bun, and was wearing glasses and a feminine suit. "Hi there. Can I call you Kurt?"
"That would be fine." My voice came out all weak, like I was about to pass out.
"Wonderful. I'm Dr. Davis, and it's very nice to meet you. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"
It wasn't as easy to talk to her as it had been to Blaine just a few minutes earlier. Maybe I could just get away with repeating what I had said to Blaine. "Um, I'm Kurt, I'm 17 years old. My Mom died when I was little, but now Dad's dating Carole, and she and her son Finn live with us. I don't have any brothers or sisters."
"Do you feel like you and Finn have brotherly relationship? How old is he?" We both knew that she knew all of this already, since she had been given a family overview before the session, but I was willing to go along with the easy stuff just so I wouldn't have to deal with the harder issues.
"Finn's 17, too. And, no, I don't feel brotherly towards him. He and I were kind of friends before Dad and Carole started dating, and they've only been seeing each other for 8 months. They actually met because Finn and I were in Glee club together, and I introduced them at parent teacher conference night."
"Why would you do that?" Her voice was neutral, but she clearly knew that something was up.
"I don't know. She was a widow, Dad was a widower, I thought that maybe they would have something to talk about." Dad had bought that excuse, but something told me that Dr. Davis wouldn't.
"Really." She made a few notes; ones that I was pretty sure said the therapist's version of 'liar liar pants on fire'.
You need to be honest with this woman. Her job is to keep your secrets and help you, and she can't do either one of those things if you don't tell her the truth. Just admit it and move on.
"You can't repeat anything I say to you, right? Because that's what Finn's therapist said. That anything I say to you has to be kept secret, unless I threaten to kill someone or kill myself." I knew that that was true, but I had to hear it come out of her mouth.
"Yes. I won't tell anyone anything, and that includes your father or the other therapists in this clinic."
"I had a huge crush on Finn, but he didn't think of me like that, so I set Dad up with Carole because I was hoping they would move in together and Finn and I would have to share a room. There." I stared defiantly at her, almost daring her to say something about the absolute insanity of that plan. Because, in retrospect, it was totally crazy. When you're truly desperate, and I had been, sometimes even crazy things start to look like a really good idea.
"And how did that work out for you?" Again, there was no judgment in her voice, but she probably heard worse confessions twice a week.
"It didn't. He knew why I was pushing our parents together, and he got really pissed off. I think it probably would have turned really ugly if Finn hadn't disappeared." I was making progress, but I still had trouble using the term 'kidnapped'.
"What do you think would have happened?"
"I don't know. Something really bad." I had asked myself the question many, many times, but I had never come up with a satisfactory answer. I seriously doubted Finn would have ever struck me. He might enjoy kicking chairs and other inanimate objects, but, with the sole exception of when he found out the baby was Pucks, I had never seen him strike another human being, no matter how satisfying it might have been to. Not even Jesse St. James, whose face I would have gladly pounded in if it hadn't meant my imminent death.
But there are a million ways to hurt someone, and physical pain is only one of them. Finn knew people, and could be shockingly observant when it came to their emotions, which meant he had all the weapons he needed to take you down. I'll bet that there isn't a member of the Glee club that he doesn't know how to devastate in 3 minutes or less. He never starts out with bad intentions, but his temper tends to run away with him, and it never ends well when it does.
"Ok, we can come back to that. Tell me, in your own words, what happened the night Finn disappeared."
Everyone asked that. Dad, Carole, the police, now the therapist. I had told the story so many times that I was actually starting to doubt my version of what had happened. The memories seemed false because I had mentally rerun them so many times. "Carole and Finn had only been living with us for three days. Dad was taking Carole out for the evening, and Finn was supposed to go bowling with Puck. I was staying home. But Finn and I did talk right before he left, about me backing off and us trying to act more like brothers. I thought that maybe things would get better between us."
"Would you have stuck to that promise?" She was jotting down notes, but I knew that nothing I said was going to be missed.
Not a bad question. "I want to say yes. I would have tried really hard to leave him alone, and to be friends, because I did like him as a person, and I enjoyed spending time with him one on one. It's just really hard getting over a crush on someone you have to see every day at school, then come home and share a bedroom with. But Dad was going to put up an addition to the house, so Finn could have his own space. I think that if he had had even a small space that was only his, things would have gotten a lot better. He's an only child too, and that was a lot of sharing. I tried to make room for his stuff, but I just had more, so I think he felt pushed into a corner. Probably in more ways then one."
"He was supposed to be back by one, and he said that he and I could watch a movie together. You know, a fresh start." That was one thing that was very clear in my mind, because it was that last image I would have of Finn the way he had been, the cheerful, naïve trusting child, instead of Finn the way he was now. Not that there was anything wrong with who he was now, but I did have to say goodbye to that kid.
"Except he didn't come back." She was barely prompting me now, letting me tell the story at my pace. Vaguely, I remembered doing the same thing to Finn, the night he had started talking again.
"Right, he didn't come back. And I was mad at him. A little worried, but mostly mad. And that was why I didn't call the police, and I didn't call Dad and Carole. I called Finn's cell, and I called the hospital, just in case, and I even called Puck's phone, but I didn't call the people who could have actually helped. Not that it would have made any difference, because those people had already taken Finn across two states by the time he was late getting home, but I had no way of knowing that."
"Anyway, when Carole and Dad got home, they called the police, and the police said that Finn probably ran away. Except I didn't really believe that. I wanted to, and I even pretended to, for Carole, but, deep down, I didn't think so. Finn just wasn't that sort of guy. Besides, he loved Carole too much. But I hoped he had run away."
"Why?" Dr. Davis leaned back in her chair and studied me.
"Because then he would at least be ok. Maybe a little cold, and maybe a little hungry, but mostly ok. Plus, he was with Puck, and if there was anything Puck knew how to do, it was survive." Suddenly I realized how stupid that statement was. The one thing Puck hadn't done was survive.
"But he didn't run away. They called us three days later and said that they found Puck's body and Finn was just gone. That the Wrights had him but they had no idea where they were holding him."
"So they knew who was holding Finn?" She sounded surprised.
No, I was telling it wrong. My head was starting to hurt, just like it always did when I thought about this. Ok, Kurt, back up and start over with the police finding the body. "No, they didn't. They didn't even know that someone had taken Finn at all. At first they thought that he might have even killed Puck himself. But no one could find a gun, and no one could find Finn. Four months, and no one could find him."
"Tell me what that was like." Now we were getting to the actual therapy part, not just the part where I tell a story.
"Horrible. Every day I would wake up and look for Finn, because I thought that was happened had to be a bad dream. I mean, things kidnapping and murder don't happen to you. Those are things that happen to other families. Bad families."
"But it happened to you."
That was something that a lot of people didn't get. None of this had just happened to Finn. Yes, he had suffered the most, no one was denying that, but it was all of us. Carole and Dad and I all sat there day after day, scared, and hurting, and not knowing if we would ever see him again. We all dealt with the stress, and the uncertainty, and everything else. That was the reason that both Finn and Carole were on medication. "Yeah, it happened to us. The police came every day for the first week, then every other day, then they mostly just called. They all kept trying to tell us to expect to find a body without actually coming out and saying it. Sometimes they would bring pictures of a guy they thought might be Finn. Sometimes they were dead bodies, and sometimes they were unconscious in the hospital. It was…" I stopped, because I had no idea how to explain how surreal this summer had been.
"I thought that it was my fault. If I would have just left Finn alone in the first place, then Carole and Dad wouldn't have gotten together, and he wouldn't have been out that night at all." Dr. Davis said nothing to either confirm or deny my culpability in the matter. Right now I was just telling the story, picking it apart could come later.
"And then, the pictures were Finn. He wasn't dead, he wasn't in the hospital, he didn't even look hurt. He just looked like Finn, in a gas station buying a soda. It made me think that maybe he didn't want to come home after all. So Carole and Dad flew to New Mexico, and they left me at my friend Mercedes' house."
"You didn't want to go along?" She seemed surprised.
"I did, but they wouldn't let me. I think they were worried about how screwed up Finn would be, and that he would scare me, or I would scare him. Which made what happened next more then a little ironic." The way I was saying all of this made it seemed like it as no big deal, instead of the horror show that it had actually been.
"I was supposed to be in someone else's sight the entire time they were gone, but I had to go home and get a shirt. It was only supposed to take a half hour. I pulled up to the house, and there was Finn, sitting on the front porch, just like he had never left. He was the same, but he wasn't. I didn't know how different then, but he was definitely a changed man."
My chest felt tight, just like it always did when I thought about that day. At the time, I had been able to focus and do what had been needed on instinct, but it wasn't until later that I realized how dangerous my position had really been. The Wrights could have still been watching, Finn could have flipped out and injured me, anything, really. "I miss who he was."
"That's very common, and not only in a case like this. Your first love is always a more then a little idealized, even in a normal situation. Had you and Finn lived together for more then a few days, or had you actually been dating before he was kidnapped, I'm sure you would have found quite a few traits in him that you hated. Messiness, snoring, no ones perfect, even though they seem that way at first. Usually the change isn't as extreme was the one that Finn's gone through, though the circumstances generally aren't as extreme either. What do you miss the most about who Finn was?"
I had gone over all of this in my mind so often that I didn't hesitate at all. "His naïveté. Before, Finn would believe anything you told him, as long as you were his friend. He just didn't get that sometimes people, even the people you like, are mean or have ulterior motives. His girlfriend told him the old 'you got me pregnant by coming in a hot tub' story, and it never once occurred to him that she was lying. She was his girlfriend, he loved her, she was telling the truth. He had no idea how the real world worked."
There were a few other examples, but they were ones I had only suspicions about, no real proof, and I didn't want to stir the pot by bringing them up. I've been accused of being paranoid in the past, but sometimes paranoia has been the only thing that saved me from a particularly vicious dumpster dive, or worse.
The first was about the circumstances surrounding Finn joining the Glee Club. There was no way on this planet that he had joined without Mr. Shuester holding something over his head. At the time, he had muttered something about extra credit for Spanish, but I don't believe it. Coach Sylvester might be able to get away with giving her Cheerios extra credit for activities performed outside the subject being graded, but Mr. Shue would never have the balls to try something like that. Plus, I know Finn, and I know his expressions and gestures, and he had been lying. I had been watchful, and tried to ask Finn a few different ways to see what he was being blackmailed with, but he had always refuse to say. Finn has his flaws, but I honestly couldn't think of anything he could have done that would be so terrible if it came out that he could be coerced into joining the least popular club in school. Drinking? Not Finn. Drugs? Never touched them. Cheating? No. I had to say it for the boy, he passed or failed all on his own, which is more then I can say for most of the school. I was never able to figure it out, and things ended up going on, business as usual. It still stuck in the back of my mind, but there are some things that you just never know about, and I had accepted that this would probably be one of them.
The other thing I wondered about was far more serious. Like Finn, I'm capable of subtracting simple numbers. Unlike Finn, I'm a compulsive double checker of dates. Finn was born in May of 1994, after the first Iraq war was over. I might have written it off as his father impregnating Carole during shore leave and dying before Finn was ever born, but I've seen the picture of Finn and his father. That thing is one of his most treasured possessions, how could I miss it? But if the war was over by the time Finn was even born, then his father couldn't have died in it. To quote Hamlet, something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
I had even considered that Finn was simply confused. After all, he did think that Osama Bin Laden was the target the first time around, too, no matter how many times you explained to him that Iraq was ruled by Saddam Hussein. Dates and time are more then a little fluid to him, and don't tend to stay in his mind for very long.
But then I specifically heard Carole repeat the same story to him. If anyone should have been sure about what happened, it was her. She was a grown woman, and this was her husband, the love of her life. My father not only knows the date of my mother's death, but the exact time as well. It's not something you forget.
Maybe what had happened was a friendly fire incident or even an accident while on base and Finn had just built the fantasy up in his mind until it became something else. That Carole had told a little white lie about what happened. Or maybe it was something much deeper and more terrible. It drove me crazy, but there wasn't really much I could do about it.
All of those memories went through my head in an instant, while my mouth kept on moving. "I mean, yeah, there were time when I wondered if his brain worked at all, but it did and it does. He was just always able to see the good in people, and ignore the bad. It was sweet." Still irritating at times, but I would give anything to see him be like that just one more time. Like the old song says, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
"What about what you like best now? What does Finn have now that he didn't before?" She was watching me closely. "Or are you no longer attracted to him in that way?"
"I still am." Oddly, I had never thought about this before. Sure, little mental notes on the fact that he could cook now, and that he was picking up after himself, but I had never considered that anything positive could have come out of this. "He's become quite mature." That was a cop out, just something to say while I thought about the deeper question.
"Ok. In what ways?" Dr. Davis was probing, but so gently that I didn't feel insulted. She sat back and allowed me to think.
"He cooks really well, and now he even cleans up after himself. Believe me, it's a welcome change not to have the room reek of dirty gym clothes. His Mom still does his laundry, but he could probably do that, too. When it comes to that, he's very self sufficient."
That wasn't really it. "He thinks things through now. Before he would just act, or fly off the handle. He's not as impulsive as he used to be, which will serve him well in his life." I still didn't feel like I was getting to the root of the problem. "You know, can I think about this one for a while? It's on the tip of my tongue."
"Of course. What would you like to talk about instead?" Her voice was pert and conversational, as if we were two friends having a normal talk.
"I don't know. " Was the 55 minutes up yet? I took a peek at my watch. Crap, still 45 minutes left.
"Would you like to say anything else what happened that night? Or the rest of your family? How about school?"
Suddenly talking about Finn seemed like a much better idea. "He wants me now. As a boyfriend, not as a friend." I could hear how defiant my voice was and I hated it. What I had with Finn was sweet and loving, not something that should be put on display just for the hell of it.
"He does?" For the first time she broke her façade and sounded surprised. "How do you know that?"
"He kissed me. And he told me that he wants me."
Now she was making rapid notes. "I see. And how do you feel about that?"
"Good. I've wanted him forever, and now he wants me back. What isn't awesome about that?" I thought I did a pretty good job of sounding convincing.
"You tell me. Remember, Kurt, nothing you say will be repeated."
Just tell her, Kurt. What purpose does hiding it serve, except to freak you out late at night?
"Sometimes I worry, though." Once I started, the words just came tumbling out, nearly spilling over one another in my haste to get them out. "I think that he didn't like me like that before, and now he only likes me because he doesn't trust anyone else, and he thinks that he has to be with me or I'll leave him, too. Then I'm no better then the Wrights, because he feels like he doesn't have any choice but to have sex with me. That makes me a pervert." I picked at my shirt sleeve. "I want him to like me because I'm me, not because he thinks it's the only way I'll be willing to be close to him. Finn doesn't really know how to tell someone 'no'. He never has."
"Have you told him that? That you will love him and be there for him, no matter what he chooses?"
"I don't know how. He gets really offended it you treat him like he's stupid, and I don't know how to say it in a way that doesn't make him feel that way. I do keep telling him that he doesn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to, and I've been letting him take the lead in everything we do."
"Have you expressed your other concerns to him? That you don't understand why he didn't like you before, but he does now?"
"Yes. I asked him what had changed, that he saw me as a boyfriend now, instead of just a friend or a brother."
"And what did he say?" There was still no judgment in her voice.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember exactly what he had said. "He said that it was because I was always there for him, and I loved him enough to love him even after….if I tell you something about Finn, you can't repeat that, either, right? You won't tell anyone else?" I wasn't 100% sure how the rules of confidentiality worked.
"Correct."
Even after all this time, it hurt to think about this. "You know what they did to him, right?" The word rape stuck on my tongue and bounced back up into my brain until it was all I could think. Rape. Sexual assault. Molestation. Sodomy. So many words, and they still didn't come close to the true sickness of the act.
"I don't. Finn is not my patient, and, even if he was, I couldn't discuss anything he said to me with you. Why don't you tell me what you know?" Her tone was soothing, but it still grated my nerves.
"They were…abusive to Finn. Sexually. I want him to be with me because he wants to, but I'm afraid that he feels like he has to." Tears welled, and I dabbed at them with my handkerchief. I wish that I would have known that getting Finn was going to be the easiest part of this. I hadn't even gone past kissing him yet, and we were already both tied in knots.
"That is a valid concern in cases like this. How often does Finn initiate sexual contact with you?"
At least I could answer that honestly. "Most of the time, actually. I almost always let him come to me for kisses. When I want to kiss him, I ask first." It was something I was very careful about, and, if Finn seemed hesitant, I backed off. Not that he ever had, though. Once Finn had decided that kissing me was alright, he was very, very into it.
"What about when things move beyond kissing? Who initiates then?"
Now I not only had to admit that I was in this bizarre, psudo-insestuous relationship, but that it wasn't going anywhere. "No one. He walked in me naked one time, but we haven't actually done anything. I would let him make the first move, though." That wasn't quite as generous as it sounded. The truth of the matter was, I was as frightened of going further as Finn was, maybe even more so. If I, as someone Finn trusted, messed things up and hurt him, he would never be able to trust anyone again. I knew that as well as I had ever known anything. There was so much responsibility riding on me that I couldn't help but be terrified I would mess things up. Hesitantly, I voiced that to Dr. Davis.
"So you don't feel like Finn has any responsibility for himself and his actions? Why should be all on you?"
"Because Finn's…." I had to stop there, because I couldn't think of a non-offensive way to put this. Stupid wasn't right, because I knew that he wasn't. Messed up was closer, but that wasn't exactly it either. "I don't know."
"Can I offer a suggestion?"
Wasn't that what she was getting paid an obscene amount of money for? Dad's insurance was covering most of it, but it was still a lot. Luckily, there was a victim's advocacy group that was paying for Finn's doctor, at least through the trial. When you go every single week, it doesn't take long to use up all of what insurance would cover. "Sure."
"You need to have this conversation with Finn. Tell him that you're afraid of hurting or scaring him, and ask him what you should do. Either Finn is capable of having a relationship or he isn't. If he isn't, then you need to let him go. If he is, he needs to be given the chance to fully participate."
Sure, it was easy for her to say. It was easy for everyone else to say, because they weren't the ones who had Finn Hudson staring them in the face, looking confused and like he would just rather have anyone else make the choice for him. It was a lost look and it made me want to step in and do things for him.
Which I guess was kind of the point Dr. Davis was trying to make. Everyone always did everything for Finn, because he looked so helpless and pitiful. But he wasn't. Every time I asked him to man up and do something for himself, he did it. So what made me think he wasn't capable of having a simple conversation? "I guess that makes sense."
"If you would like, either Dr. Hayden or I could mediate a conversation between the pair of you."
Yeah, not going to happen . The thought of having this conversation with Finn was humiliating enough, but having to do it with witnesses? No. "I think I'd like to try it on my own."
"That would probably be for the best, but just keep it in mind if you need it in the future. Is there anything else about Finn you want to talk about?"
"No." I was suddenly overwhelmingly tired. No wonder Finn came home from therapy on a lot of days and immediately took a nap. Who would have thought that talking would be so tiring?
"Ok. What would you like to talk about?"
I was pretty sure that 'nothing' wasn't what she wanted to hear, so I shrugged instead. "I don't know."
"You mentioned on your questionnaire that you feel that there are a few problems within your newly blended family. Problems between whom?"
That was another easy question. "Everyone and everyone. Except Dad and Carole and Finn and I, but it's easier to not have problems with someone when you're in love with them. That was how I overlooked a lot of Finn's flaws (no, despite what he thought, the boy could not match an outfit to save his life) and probably how he overlooked a lot of mine. "It's hard for me to see Carole doing the stuff my mother used to, and that I used to, even though she's really nice about it."
"What sort of stuff?"
Everything. There are times when I don't think that even my father knows how much I did around the house. I did all of the cleaning, paid the bills, scheduled doctors appointments and school conferences, signed my own permission slips, and, right up until last year when I joined Glee and had to stay after school three nights a week, had done all of the cooking as well. When I finally did move out and get a place of my own, I wouldn't have any trouble making the transition, since I had already run a household. "I cooked and cleaned and took care of the bills. Now Carole does most of it. We rotate the cooking, between Finn and her and me, since Dad can't cook, but she takes care of the other stuff."
I didn't want this woman to think that I was a total jerk, at least not at our first meeting, so I tried to backpedal. "I know how ungrateful that sounds. Carole does a really good job, and it's not like I actually enjoyed paying the light bill or anything. It's just…different. I know that loving her doesn't mean I don't love my real Mom, and that its ok, but I can't help but worry that she'll leave one day, and then I'll have lost two mothers. And if she leaves, she'll take Finn with her, and it'll be the same as it was before they came, but worse, because at least before I hadn't known there was another option."
That, of course, was the crux of the matter. I couldn't fully trust Carole, because there was nothing holding her to me. She was attached to Finn, because he was her son, and attached to Dad, because he was her boyfriend, but there was no tie to me, except what came through Dad. I was the loser kid, the one that she had to deal with because I came with Dad. If there was no Dad, she wouldn't have ever given me a second glance.
Really? That's the best you can come up with? However she ended up giving you a second look, she treats you very well now. Even when she's angry with you, she obviously cares for you as well.
"Have you expressed your fears to her? Sometimes it's hard for someone else to judge what's making you nervous. Carole may feel like you don't want another mother, or that you don't like her specifically."
Had I? I closed my eyes and thought back. "I did. I asked her if she was going to leave, and she said that she didn't want to. But my real Mom didn't either, and Finn didn't, and Puck didn't, but they had to."
"Are you afraid of losing Finn again?" The question was soft, but cut straight to the quick.
It wasn't until she said the words that I realized they were true. Yes, I had Finn now, but that was no guarantee of having him later. I could walk out the door and find him gone. He might be there, but vanish later tonight. I woke up at least once a night, every single night, reaching out for Finn, or looking for him if he was in his own bed. I had to be sure that he was still there.
Sometimes at night, when I looked over at him, he would be looking back at me, awake but silent, watching as if he were afraid I was the one who would vanish. I never said anything to him, and he never said anything back, as if acknowledging each other was against some weird middle-of-the-night-staring-contest rules.
And even if Finn stayed here with us, that was no guarantee of really having him. I remembered the way he had looked standing there on the porch, so broken and scared. He had been there physically, but mentally there had been nothing. There are many, many, ways to lose someone, and Finn was still so fragile.
"Yes. I'm…I'm afraid of what's going to happen when he has to get up at that trial and testify. They won't let him go to school this year, because they don't think he can handle it, but they just expect he's going to be able to stand up in a courtroom in front of a bunch of strangers and tell everyone what happened to him. That's not even considering that there's going to be a layer there whose sole job is to make Finn look like a liar. He has no idea what he's going to be up against."
"Do the two of you ever talk about it? The trial, I mean."
"Not really. He told me this morning that he knew it was coming, but there was so much else going on that we didn't dwell on it. There's no date set or anything, and I don't want to make him even more scared and stressed out then he already is. Once we know more, then it will be time to talk about it." I had thought about this a lot; and this was the best answer that I could come up with.
"It sounds like you take good care of Finn." She remained as neutral as ever, but there was something in her voice that set my alarm bells ringing. Hard as I thought, though, I couldn't figure out what it was.
"I try to." There that was a good answer, right? Fewer words were better, since there was less of a chance of them tripping me up.
"My concern is, who takes care of Kurt? It sounds to me like you don't want or expect Carole to do it, and you haven't mentioned your father once, so it doesn't seem like he does it, and you've told me that your mother had passed on. So who takes care of you when you're busy taking care of everyone else?"
"I…" I stopped, because there wasn't anything to say. Still, I felt compelled to defend Dad. "It's not that my Dad doesn't take good care of me, because he does. He loves me, and he helps me when I tell him what's wrong and he always gives me whatever I need."
All of that was true, but it wasn't what she meant, and we both knew it. Why I was trying to lie to this woman who made her living detecting the telltale reek of bullshit was a bit unclear. Yes, Dad took good care of me physically. And, yes, I never once doubted that he loved me fiercely. But did I actually feel like I could go to him and beg for comfort? Not really.
Granted, things were much better in the past year, ever since I had officially come out to him, which made me wonder if the distance between us wasn't largely of my own creation. Even when I was younger, I had never cared much to be cuddled or held by him, always slightly afraid and intimidated. If I told Dad what I needed, he was always happy to provide it, but, the problem was, I never told him. It was just easier and safer to rely on myself. That way, if I ended up disappointed, it was me doing the disappointing. I made myself meet the doctor's eyes. "But I can see where you're coming from. No, my first instinct isn't to run to him for comfort, if that's what you're asking."
It may or may not have been what she meant, but she didn't dwell on Dad and I. "What about Finn? Do you feel like he takes care of you sometimes?"
I was about to say no, but then I thought about it a little more. I remembered the way Finn had picked me up off the bathroom floor when I was too tired to go on, and how he had tucked me so gently into bed. Or the way he had stepped in front of me when Coach Sylvester came after us. If that wasn't taking care of someone, then what was? "Finn does take care of me sometimes." I didn't offer the specifics, but I had to at least be honest now.
"Ok. What I'm hearing is that you and Finn are partners in this. Sometimes you take care of him, and sometimes he takes care of you."
What was wrong with that? I nodded slowly, looking for any signs of what she wanted to hear. "Yes. We take good care of each other."
"Would you consider it to be a relationship of equals?" She was driving at something here, but I couldn't figure out what.
I nodded again. "Yes." It came out small and whispery, as uncertain as a small child might sound.
"Do you think you're treating him like an equal right now? It seems to me that by hiding things from him like this, and assuming that he simply can't handle it, you're not treating him like you would a normal boyfriend."
My mouth dropped open. She was right, of course, but I wasn't used to having it put so baldly. Everyone in my family spoke in exaggerated euphemisms, so as not to upset any other family member. Maybe it was that we were still all so new to each other, and to being a family that we weren't able to navigate the emotional landmines of the average family, or maybe it was going to be a long term thing, but none of us were good at just spitting out what we meant.
I did my best to recover. "I can see where you're coming from, but it isn't that easy. Part of loving someone, and taking care of them, is protecting them from the things that you know they can't handle. Trust me, I know Finn Hudson, and I know that this is all going to be too much for him."
Do you?
Of course I did. Finn was tough, but he needed me to take care of him, to make the hard choices for him. Was it wrong for me to want to make things just the tiniest bit easier on him?
It seems to me that the last time you started making assumptions about what Finn needed and wanted, it almost ended very, very, poorly for you. The only thing that saved you last time was admitting your mistake and begging for forgiveness. But, you know what they say about those who fail to learn from the past….
That they were doomed to repeat it, yeah, I knew. But….but I guessed I didn't really have an answer for that. Instead of responding to the voice, I addressed the doctor instead. "What would you recommend doing instead?"
"Exactly what you and I are doing? Talk to Finn. You may be rather surprised at what he can and can not handle, or what his opinions on things really are. Probably 75% of what I deal in as a therapist is miscommunications, which is what it sounds like is happening here."
She was right, but she was wrong, too. Finn was a walking study in miscommunication, that much was true, but just coming at him straight on didn't work either. It freaked him out to be put on the spot like that, and he would just shut down instead of talking back. "I can talk to Finn."
"Would you like for one of the doctors to mediate a talk for the two of you? Because we could combine your sessions for that."
There was no way. I could blame it on Finn's shyness around adults, but the truth was that I couldn't imagine sharing my innermost thoughts in front of the doctor. Yes, I was doing it now, but at least I had had enough time to think about what I wanted to say, and make sure that everything came out correctly. There was no way I could do it off the top of my head.
"Thank you, but I think I would rather speak to Finn on my own. But I will keep that in mind for later."
And by 'later', we mean 'never'. Hang in there, Kurt; it's been almost an hour.
I snuck another peek at my watch and realized that the voice was right. Two more minutes, and I was out of here.
Dr. Davis must have been thinking the same thing, because she made a few quick notes and smiled gently. "Our session is almost up, so is there anything else you want to talk about?"
"A boy hit on me at the coffee shop today." Of all the stupid things I thought might come out of my mouth, that hadn't even hit the radar. Why was I telling her about this?
"That's flattering. Were you interested in him?" She sounded genuinely pleased for me, and it drove home just how abnormal my life had really become.
9 months ago, before any of this had happened, having a boy flirt with me would have been a dream come true. I would have ditched any plans I might have had for the rest of the day in favor of calling Mercedes for an emergency dish session. It would have been the most important thing to ever happen to me.
Now? I was too worried about my therapist appointment to take even few minutes to relish the thought of Blaine. Blaine. Even his name was cute. "No. But only because of Finn. If I wasn't with him, I would have been." It shocked me to even admit it. "And you're right, I was very flattered. I didn't think I would ever get a boy giving me his number, especially not here. Plus, he looked really disappointed when I said I had someone. It's kind of nice to think that someone can see you across the room and think 'there he is, the boy for me'." Even now, the gesture made me want to swoon. "He still wanted to hang out, though. It would be nice to have a new friend. You know, one that wasn't around for everything that happened."
"One that can just be Kurt's friend, not someone who comes over and tries awkwardly to pretend that nothings changed?" She was still sympathetic.
And right. Everyone had been so good with Finn since he came back, but, yeah, it could get awkward. The other day, Tina had accidentally brought up the time Finn and Puck got caught shooting paintballs at the stoplights downtown, and you would have thought the world was going to explode. He insisted that he didn't mind us talking about Puck, but I saw the hurt in his eyes every time it actually happened. Having someone who hadn't known who he was before, and could just accept who he was now would probably be good for him. "Yeah, that would be one way of putting it."
"You'll have to let me know how things work out with him. Our session is up and I have one after you, but I think we got off to a good start. Same time next week?'
"Yes." I wondered what else I was supposed to say here. Did I thank her? Shake her hand? I settled for a quick, strained smile. "I'll see you then."
Finn was slumped down in his chair, pounding away at his Nintendo DS. His book was abandoned on the floor in front of him. I patted his shoulder affectionately. "We're good to go. Did you do any work at all on your outline?"
"Finished." He pulled out a piece of paper. "Here you go."
I unfolded it. THIS BOOK SUCKS.
"Of course it does. No one likes Les Mis. It's boring and dry and the only redeeming thing about it is that the musical is wonderful." I held out my hand, still surprised and grateful when he took it. "Come on. We can do it together when we get home."
"Ok. As long you know I'm doing this under distress." Finn might make fun of my satchel when it suited him, but I noticed that he had no trouble stuffing all of his things in it.
"Duress. Though I'm sure you think that you're in distress as well."
"I'm very distressed. I need French fries to ease the pain." He treated me to a half smile, which I'm nearly sure he knows turns me to jelly. "And maybe cheesecake?"
Finn solved 95%of his problems with food. "Maybe, but don't hold your breath. You do remember we have to stop by the garage before we go home, right? Dad wants to make sure he has coveralls big enough for you so everything will be ready." Finn was usually pretty easy going if you let him know why you wanted to do something a particular way.
"No, I forgot." There w as a tense moment where I thought he might refuse, but he nodded. "We should bring your Dad some fries, too."
Normally I would refuse to allow such a travesty to pass my fathers lips, but Finn had offered to do something for the man without being prompted, which was a rarity. "Sure."
"So, to the garage?"
He nodded enthusiastically, like we were about to set out on some quest instead of driving across town. It's nice to see him getting some of his enthusiasm back. "To the garage!"