APOV
They like her better, they know now who is better and it is not you. She never would have run, she isn't mental or sick like you are. She is the upgrade, Anastasia 3.0, and is here to stay. It is better for everyone involved if she is here instead of you. Christian does not trust you and now Leila is here, he now sees what healthy looks like and it's not you. It was never you and it will never be you.
"No!" I throw my plate of pancakes, bacon and fruit across the room. "Go away!"
"Ana?"
"Mom?"
"Kitten, you okay?"
I look up and around at the concerned looks plastering my family's faces. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to leave, I don't want to listen to them, I but I also don't want to get in trouble with them. To much pain when I get in trouble with them, I don't like it.
Christian comes over and wraps his arms around me, I like this and it makes me feel safe and protected. Everyone is looking at me though, they can see right through me.
"Christian, if you want to put off going to GEH today I am alright with that, Ana's more important then all that," Leila offers.
"No, you guys can go ahead. I'll stay here with Ana until Emily gets here. We need a pounding day with everything that has been happening around here, and we don't work like the rest of you do," Kate interjects.
"Thanks Kate," Christian nods.
Everyone slowly leaves the penthouse until it is only Kate and myself, alone in the penthouse in the sky. I follow her obediently into the home theatre and wait for her to pick out the movies for today, she comes back with Bride Wars and 27 Dresses which is first up.
Kate keeps catering to my needs whenever I voice them so I decide to just stop. Every mention of being hungry or thirsty and she would leap to her feet and go and get things from the snack bar here or down the hall in the kitchen. I hate when they do this, it makes me feel more incompetent and sick then I know that I am.
It is because they believe you are ill and incompetent. No one trust you and no one ever will again. You are a disgrace of a human, don't deserve any of this.
I glance at Kate who;s looking past me at the door,, I turn to see Emily with what looks to be two paramedics with a stretcher. Christian promised never to commit me, that we would get through every setback together. I'm not even that bad, not that lost. I haven't tried to hurt myself or anyone else, they can't do this.
"Ana, will you please come with me?" Emily asks.
"If you do this, take me away and commit me I will never talk to you again, I won't go back to Christian because I could never trust him again. Not him or you. Is that what you want, is that why you are doing this?" I threaten.
"Be reasonable," Kate accosts.
"No Kate, he promised to never do this!"
"Where's Hardy?" Emily interrupts.
"He was not a happy dog once we got back from Italy so he has been a the vet for the past week," Kate answers then understands. "I will call the vet and ask when they can drop him off, hopefully before noon."
Kate leaves me alone with Emily and the paramedics, I curl up as small as I can in my chair. Christian promised, they all did. We all agreed that if I asked and wanted to, ONLY THEN, would I be admitted to the hospital or private clinic. This isn't fair, this isn't right and is only making everything so much worse.
Don't talk to them, they won't listen. Their minds are already made up about you. Leila got there first. She has always been the #1.
"Why did you dye your hair?" Emily asks yet another question.
"I want to dye it back," I answer.
"Okay, we can set that up. We'll do that this morning."
"I'm not going."
"I know, Ana."
"Then why are they still here?" I motion to the paramedics.
"They are going to stay here until Christian gets home."
They are all going to force you, and you know that Christian, Leila and everyone else you have come to love and trust will help without hesitation.
Emily sits in the chair beside me and tries to take my hand but I pull it away from her, she chose her side and it is not mine. When Kate comes back she explains how we have to pick him up, I'm not falling for it. The vet has always picked Hardy up and dropped him off, yet they think that I am too ill to know any better. They really think that I've lost it and I haven't, not yet. I really started to believe that they had faith and trust in me to come to them.
I pull the hair tie out of my hair so that loose curls fall down my back since I had it up in a bun after taking a shower. I quickly weave my hair into one long french braid, stand and walk out into the living room and kneel in the middle of the room. If I sit here and wait for Christian they won't touch me, there is no direction they can come from where I won't see or sense it. Every time they try I move my head so that they know I'm aware of my surroundings and more specifically them.
Hours pass, my legs are numb, the finally Christian arrives with Leila; they're smiling and happy… they're like that without me. I shift uncomfortable when I feel everyone looking at me, the scrutiny.
"What are you doing?" Leila inquires. "What is she doing?"
"Kitten?" Christian's voice sounds broken, I broke him. "Ana, can you please stand up for me." It's an order so I struggle to my feet, finally I stand with my eyes cast down. "Is she talking? How long has she been kneeling here? I thought we had a plan, Emily."
"She has knelt here since ten, hasn't been talking and if you heard what she said you would have abandoned the plan too," Emily answers.
"Kitten, will you talk to me?"
"You lied," I croak, risking a glance up at him. "I trusted you and you lied. You had people try to trick and manipulate me. You actually think that little of me."
"I just want you to get help and feel better," He defends.
"Well that's not what you said last night, what you promise me every year. What was it again… never let me go and never push me to run; however, that is exactly what you are doing at this very moment," I whisper so only he can here. "So what's next? When I get back from you forcing me to the hospital, when I don't trust you anymore and I hate you? What then? Will you tie me to the bed at night? Lead me around everywhere with a leash and collar? What will happen once you push me to far and you don't like my reaction or yours?" I stroke his face and rest my hand on his shoulder, our eyes locking. "We've been there before and neither of us enjoyed what happened then."
"Go to the bedroom and wait for me, I'll be there in a moment," he growls.
I turn towards the bedroom, sneaking a look back at everyone. Leila is off to the side talking with Emily and Kate, they all look up at me and I run to my room. Storming in and slamming the door like Maia and then throwing myself onto the bed. I want to cry, I want to cry so bad my head hurts but if I cry and they see it… it is just another tally or mark against me. They win… again. I would cry if I knew they were going to leave me alone, however Christian will be here any moment.
Stop, we know who is behind all of this. Look at it this way, if you are in the clinic it will be easier to get away from your family, especially Christian and Leila.
I want to go and listen to what they're talking about but it's not of my concern, I am the concern. It's like I should blame Leila, blame the switch, blame killing Carla and Stephan but there is really no one to blame but me. Me and my horrible skills of picking who should be in my life or not.
"I brought you something to eat, you were kneeling for seven hours on hardwood and didn't eat or drink a thing," Christian startles me. I lean over, pull the tray towards me and reach for the slice of sandwich. "Good girl."
No, don't eat it. Everything on the tray is drugged to get the upper hand on you.
I put the sandwich down and shove the tray away, "If I'm hungry I'll make something for myself, thank you for your concern."
He rolls his eyes then stands to move the tray to my vanity across the room. I wonder what would happen if I rolled my eyes right now, it could be worth it.
"What's happening with you?" He pleads.
"Do you actually care now?"
"That's not fair, I was out helping your sister. We are all worried about you. Luke is picking up Hardy and is on his way over, so hopefully that will help. Communication is key, Anastasia."
"Yeah, well that seems very one sided. I have to communicate ever fucking thought and emotion while you get to be Zeus and whatever the fuck you want!"
"You're right, but I am not the one with Dissociative Identity Disorder paired with hallucinations and depression. That is all you!"
"I see, so instead of being the Ana who is a wife and mother I am and always will be Ana the fucked up, crazy girl who no one can trust and everyone has to babysit."
"That's not what I'm saying!"
"No, but it's what you're doing and you know it."
"You really hate me right now," He's taken aback.
"Yes, I really do. I'm trying to figure out how I will ever be able to trust you again because right now I can't," I admit.
I don't remember moving but when I look around I am in the far corner of the room with the windows and he is by the door, effectively blocking my only exit.
"Well then," He is using the scary calm voice that I don't like. "Seeing as I've already lost your trust, I have nothing else to lose if it means keeping you safe and alive."
I do not like the direction that this conversation/fight is going in, it's the direction where we both lose, we both are unhappy and the one where we hurt each other the most.
"You and Leila seem to have gotten rather close," I accuse.
"Yes, we've been talking."
"About?"
"Primarily you, how sometimes you need an extra push or hand to get back onto your feet. Leila says you've always need help with reality, that you've always hidden and gotten stuck in your own little world. We both care for you and are worried about you, Anastasia."
"She;s been back two days, I haven't seen her since we were twelve. She doesn't even know me anymore, you do. You have been in my life longer then her."
"She knows enough to worry and care about you."
"Pity is more like it."
"That's not fair, Kitten."
"But it's right," I roll my eyes, he grunts.
"The way I see it is that you have two options as of right now."
"Really? I can count a lot more then two," I sneer.
""One, you go willingly with with paramedics and Emily; or two, you fight, they sedate you and you go anyway."
"Three," I continue. "I run and never look back. Four, I go with them, release myself and never come back. Five, I call my lawyers and file for divorce and custody. Six, we forget this whole thing, all plans and move on."
"Really Kitten? You're playing this game right now?"
"Really Christian, we are playing this game right now."
He storms out of the room, I go into his office and pull out my laptop to log onto a few chat rooms. The only helpful thing that I have learned in the past six years is how to master computers and electronics, how to hack into everything possible. It is my sanctuary and they will never see this one coming. I see that she is online: LNCNE_SEATTLE.
HE IS ADMITTING ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO…
…WHAT CLINIC?
MY GUESS IT WILL BE IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK…
… SEE IF YOU CAN TALK HIM INTO SOUND SANCTUARY HERE IN SEATTLE
OKAY, I WILL TRY; YOU WILL HELP RIGHT…
…OF COURSE, ANA; HOWEVER, WE NEED TO PLAN LONG TERM
I KNOW, BUT IF HE DOES COMMIT ME YOU HAVE TO FILE FOR ME…
… I KNOW, SWEET ONE AND I WILL FOR YOU
THANK YOU, I HAVE TO GO…
…BEFORE THEY SHIP YOU OFF TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING
I PROMISE…
I log off and carry my laptop out into the bedroom, quickly looking up the clinic that she suggested and wait for someone to storm back into the room and start up another argument with me, and yes I do believe it will be Christian. An hour later Christian comes in with Hardy who hops up onto the bed to sit with me, if I was mentally unstable Hardy would notify them but he is calm and happy.
"What are you doing?" Christian asks.
"If you are committing me against me will I think I should have a say on the clinic or hospital, don't you?" I sneer.
"For fucks sake, Kitten. Do you not understand that this is for your benefit?"
"I'm fine but you won't listen, I printed off three clinics I will willingly go to. What you do from there is up to you but take our relationship into consideration."
He walks into his office, stays in there for twenty minutes before he barges into the bedroom like a raging bull.
"These are all on the west coast in Seattle!" He shouts.
"Yes."
"That's across the country from me."
"Yes."
"I don't like this."
"I know."
"Fine, I will go and talk with Emily about them and get back to you. If it really means that much to you."
He leaves the room before I can respond, going to bed and getting some sleep would be smart but I want to know what the conclusion to all of this will be. I lay on the bed with Hardy and watch The Godfather on Netflix because it entertains me. Emily and Christian come in and tell me that I will be flying out with Emily to the clinic tomorrow morning where she will be there for the admission process and stay in the area while I am in treatment. They called the clinic and will have everything set up for me by the time I get there. Once they leave to pack my bags for me I log back into the chat room and let her know that I will be at Sound Sanctuary tomorrow, she tells me that she will see me tomorrow night and I am really happy. She will believe me, she will understand. Leila is undermining me and what I can do, she is doubting my abilities and I know that she will regret coming back and ruining everything for me.