Chapter 13: Deathmatch at Chibi
Everyone: No….no….NOBUNAGA?!
Cao Cao: But, WHAT?! No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS?! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
Nobunaga: Mwahahahaha…is that so?
Later, the other Oda army (No, Hideyoshi, and Hisahide) came out as well.
Jia Xu: What the…the others are here too?!
Nobunaga: Mwahahaha…of course! Who else could build such magnificent dungeons we put out for you?
Hideyoshi: No one else but Hideyoshi, who built THREE castles in just one day! Whee!
Everyone: sweatdrop
Nobunaga: And this little fucker Hisahide is the only one who can make such great explosives now, ain't it?
Hisahide: Certainly.
Cao Cao: What the hell…okay, okay! Ignoring the goddamn fact that this is not a goddamn crossover or a Warriors Orochi fic, WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?! Like, HOW in the hell are you here at the first place?!
Nobunaga: Well, from the Watsonian perspective, after that third incident with Orochi I had been trying to develop a time-travel magic similar to Kaguya's so that I could travel back in time and meet you guys. From the Doylist perspective, the Author just decided to throw in random Samurai Warriors characters in for a cheap plot twist.
Cao Cao: Then why did you kidnap Cai Wenji?!
Nobunaga: Ah, well, I accidentally came across with her when walking down the streets, and she mistook me for you!
Cao Cao: What the hell?! For the nth goddamn time SOMEBODY mistook Nobunaga for me! Argh, then what's next?!
Nobunaga: Afterwards, she proceeded to tell me stuff about her pregnancy, in which apparently she isn't aware of who the father of her child is. Then I asked her, "Who are the guys you're closest with?", in which she answered the names of all you nine. Then I thought that it would be amusing if I kidnap her and then get all of you nine to race to save her.
Yue Jin: So you're doing all of this just for your own amusement?! You sick bastard!
Nobunaga: Oh…is that so?
Yue Jin: Glk!
Nobunaga: Ah, but anyway…I've already checked on the DNA of her baby and I already know who the father is. And this final challenge is to see whether that father can be truly worthy of her and their child.
Xun Yu: And that final challenge will be?
Nobunaga: Here. throws a weapon to all the 9 participants each
Everyone: Ah!
Guo Jia: …hey, wait a minute.
Zhang Liao: Is this….
Xu Shu: …our fourth weapons?
Jia Xu: Whoa. What kind of adversary awaits us to the point where we need to combine the strength of all our fourth weapons to defeat it?
Nobunaga: Mwahahaha….who said anything about 'combining strength'?
Everyone: Gasp!
Nobunaga: Nobody, right? Well, listen. I, initially, designed this competition so that all nine of you would, you know, COMPETE against each other. After all, this is what you can call a battle for a woman's affections, right? You are competing to see who is worthy of getting Cai Wenji. But instead, all of you worked together to save her.
Xun Yu: What? But, that means that we violated the rules, right? Then why did you not?
Nobunaga: Of course, I did not punish you because I've already prepared the final challenge to be an ACTUAL competition for you nine. The last trial to see the true winner. Now, here is your final challenge: come out as the last man standing.
Everyone: widens eyes …w….what?!
Guo Jia: …no…you, you mean?!
Xu Shu: We have to KILL each other?!
Yu Jin: Is that the reason why you gave us our fourth weapons?!
Cao Cao: What?! No, but…NO! Why did you?!
Nobunaga: Didn't I tell you earlier? This IS a competition, after all. Or do you want to see this lovely maiden gets blown up?
Cai Wenji: A-aahh!
Cao Cao: Tch! …no…why did it have to turn like this?!
Zhang Liao: Ah! Guys, please! There must be some way to save her without killing each other!
Yue Jin: But how?!
Cao Cao: Gah…pant…pant…raises sword
Everyone: AH!
Zhang Liao: What?! No, Lord Cao Cao! You can't do it!
Cao Cao: Pant…pant…it's very hard for me to say this, but…I'm sorry, guys! I have to do this!
Guo Jia: Lord Cao Cao, please!
Xun Yu: Listen, we've gone so far to save Cai Wenji! We've been through all of this TOGETHER!
Cao Cao: I KNOW! Pant…but, that really is our reason! We've gone so far to save her, and wouldn't it all be for naught if she were to die at the last stage?! No, I can't let that happen! I can't let our journey to be in vain, even if I have to make sacrifices!
Yu Jin: My lord, please! Would you be willing to throw us, who've all been in your service for many years and given you many victories away for a single woman?!
Cao Cao: Would you be willing to see such a woman die a horrible death with her baby?!
Jia Xu: My lord, your infatuation with Cai Wenji has blinded you!
Cao Cao: I AM NOT BLIND! Pant…pant…I, I know exactly why I'm here. YOU all know exactly why you are here. This, this is the entire purpose of this story. If we aren't able to conclude it, think what would happen!
Everyone: ….
Guo Jia: ….I…I too…
Everyone: Huh?!
Guo Jia: …I too…I 'm willing to fight to save Cai Wenji!
Xun Yu: What?! No, not you too!
Guo Jia: Of course I am! Just like what Lord Cao Cao said, I too, will fight all 8 of you to prove that I am worthy of Cai Wenji! I will!
Xun Yu: Guo Jia, you can't do that!
Guo Jia: Why can't I?!
Xun Yu: Huh?!
Guo Jia: You've always been calling me as no mere than a guy who can only obey his dick and not his basic logic. So when we're finally obliged to do this to save one important woman, the target of all our long journey and sacrifice, you called me out as well?!
Xun Yu: Guo Jia, that's not my-
Jia Xu: All of you guys are so ignorant!
Everyone: Huh?!
Jia Xu: Seriously…from the way you guys have been talking it only seems that you're all treating Cai Wenji as a mere lifeless MacGuffin! Like really, think about what she's feeling at this very moment! To see her friends being forced to kill each other just to save her life…and when all is said and done, when she finally gets rescued by her 'true love' that she previously only thinks as a friend, while the rest of her friends all are DEAD, think about what she'll feel! Will it really worth it?!
Everyone: ….
Yu Jin: …you know, he's got a point.
Yue Jin: I know! But…is there actually something we can do? So that everyone will come out alive? I mean, come on! There must be something we can do-
His sentence was cut off as a massive icicle suddenly came down and almost hit Yue Jin.
Yue Jin: AAH!
Everyone: What?!
Cao Cao: Pant…pant…I'm sorry, but this is my decision! I will fight and kill you until our goal is achieved, no matter what the cost!
Guo Jia: Me too! HYAH! shoots out orbs
Yue Jin: Wa- OUCH! Huff…okay, you asked for it! HYAAAHHH!
Yu Jin: Hm?! AGKH!
Yue Jin: Eh?! Eh…emmm…s-sorry! I didn't mean to-
Yu Jin: Grrr…YOU! HYAAAHHH!
Jia Xu: What the- ARKH! Tch…okay, IT'S ON! HYAH!
Zhang He: AAAHH! Grr…FINE, THEN! You want it, THEN COME AND GET IT! HYAAAHHHH!
The nine participants, minus Xu Shu (who just continues to cry in a fetus position) and Xun Yu (who's trying to defuse the situation), continues to brawl in a bloody deathmatch.
Xun Yu: Guys, PLEASE! Come on, we can- gets hit by one of Guo Jia's orbs ….grrrr…..OKAY THEN, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT! HYAAAAHHHHH!
Then all the 8 participants (Xu Shu is still crying in a fetus position) were truly trying to murder each other, either out of motivation to save Cai Wenji, or that they were merely pissed off at being a wrong target of the others' attacks. The deathmatch continues, until suddenly...
Cai Wenji: …ah….no…NO!
Nobunaga: Mwahahaha….now, don't you see it now, Cai Wenji? How determined your 'friends' are to save you that they're willing to murder their own companions that have been accompanying them in their journey to this place?
Cai Wenji: Ah…no…sobs GUYS, STOP IT!
Everyone: HYAH! Huff…huff…huh?
Cai Wenji: Sob…please…stop it!
Cao Cao: W-what do you mean?
Cai Wenji: Please…I…I know that all of you guys have been travelling long and far to save me, but…please don't do this!
Guo Jia: But if we don't-
Cai Wenji: I know that. Infact…infact, if you guys have to kill each other, the allies and the comrades that you've known and worked together for years, in exchange for me, a girl you guys barely even know, then, then…
Cai Wenji then quickly stood up to step on the explosives in an attempt to kill both herself and Nobunaga.
Nobunaga: What the-
Everyone: CAI WENJIIIIIIIIIIII!
She managed to trigger a massive explosion which then destroyed a large part of the Coliseum and Chibi itself.
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The 9: Huff…huff…
Cao Cao: …huff…what? …..no…NOOOOOO!
Everyone: …m-my lord…
Cao Cao: Sob…sob…this…can't…BE! Tch, how…how is this possible?! We have…we have…argh….
Everyone: …pant…
Cao Cao: …tch…it's all…it's all my fault…it's all my fault for not being fast enough to kill you all at the first place!
Zhang Liao: What! My lord, you're insane!
Cao Cao: No, you are! If you would have actually have determination to kill the others, this would not have happened! But of course, since I was the one who started the fight at the first place…tch…
Everyone: Lord Cao Cao…
Cao Cao: Tsk…what…what are we gonna do? She's dead…along with that baby of hers…the very baby I told her to take good care of…she died because of us.
Everyone: …
Yue Jin: …..hm?! Hey, guys!
Cao Cao: What is it, Yue Jin? This is no time for jokes!
Yue Jin: No, really! Look up there! points at the ruined wall of the coliseum
Everyone: Hm? HUH?!
Up there, Cai Wenji is shown to be safe and well, carried by a generic officer.
Cao Cao: What the…no…it can't be…!
Generic: jumps down Hoop!
Cai Wenji: Ah!
Generic: bows down My lord.
Cao Cao: What the…no, who are you?
Generic: Eh? You don't know me?
Cao Cao: Well, I've got hundreds other officers with the same face as yours, you know…
Generic: Oh, right. I'm Dong Si.
Cao Cao: Dong Si…oh! Right! You…you're the one guy Cai Wenji told me about, right?
Cai Wenji: Yeah!
Cao Cao: That's right…huh…you're the guy whom I intended Cai Wenji to marry, but when this incident came up…
Jia Xu: …whoa. Wait a minute, then if Dong Si was the guy you intended to marry to Cai Wenji, then…
Guo Jia: …how come you did NOT suspect him as the father as with the rest of us?!
Xun Yu: Yeah! I mean, that doesn't make sense…
Cao Cao: Eh, oh, right…maybe that's because he's a generic that I sorta forgot about him? smacked by Dong Si OUCH!
Dong Si: Now that's just mean! Generics are humans too, you know.
Cao Cao: Haha, right, sorry…by the way, Dong Si, why are you here? How could have you travelled all the way here?
Dong Si: Oh, that. Well, that morning when Cai Wenji got kidnapped I went to her room only to find her missing. Then, I found that letter, saying that she got kidnapped. I didn't know whom the letter was actually addressed to, but since Cai Wenji's in danger I decided to go all alone to save her. I went through many obstacles and challenges that you guys also went through, and here, I managed to save her at last.
Everyone: Whoaaahhh…
Cao Cao: …da…damn…
Jia Xu: Whew. Who knows that a generic is more capable than all of us combined?
"That's…splendid….ergh…"
Everyone: Huh?!
The voice turns out to come out from Nobunaga, who's been fatally wounded by the explosion.
Dong Si: Hm! YOU! You wretch, how dare you to do such a thing to a woman?!
Nobunaga: Ergh…heh…hehehehe….ah, how curious it is that a generic managed to get this task done instead of you nine?
Cao Cao: We…guess so…heh…
Nobunaga: Hah…well, turns out that I'm mistaken. I chose all nine of you to see if any of you mighty warriors who could tear through peons with ease could save a damsel in distress in the name of love…but turns out I'm wrong. Instead, it's a generic who turned out to be her true love.
Dong Si: True love?
Nobunaga: Yes. I mean, look at you. You're a mere, weakly near-unrecognizable generic with an ordinary human powers unlike the playable characters, and yet you managed to go through all of those obstacles all by yourself, and managed to do what these 9 didn't. And that, I think, is the power of true love right there. Haha…congratulations.
Everyone: cheers
Dong Si: Ah…heh, hehehe…
Cao Cao: Well…we may not be Cai Wenji's true love, but since she's safe now, it's alright. And hey, I think it's better for her to stay with a generic instead of over-the-top playables like us, right?
Everyone: laughs
Nobunaga: …oh…yeah…about one thing…
Cao Cao: Hm?
Nobunaga: I forgot to tell you…even though Dong Si is Cai Wenji's true love…he is, NOT the father of her child!
Everyone: GASP!
Dong Si: What the…Cai Wenji! What does this mean?!
Cai Wenji: Ah, I…I don't know…
Guo Jia: But how is that possible?! You said that her true love is ALSO the father of her child!
Nobunaga: But that's only because I never expected Dong Si to be her true love! Look, while none of you is her true love, one of you DEFINITELY is the father!
Dong Si: Then who is he?!
Nobunaga: The father…of the child…is….
Everyone: gets even closer to Nobunaga to hear his answer
Nobunaga: ….dies
Everyone: widens eyes NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Cao Cao: Huff…so, Zhang Liao!
Zhang Liao: Yes, sir!
Cao Cao: Have you received news from that Maury guy?
Zhang Liao: Ah, yes sir.
Cao Cao: Great. So, he can arrange for a meeting with us to disclose the issue of the father of Cai Wenji's baby, right?
Zhang Liao: Yes sir. He said he will come here in about 2 days.
Cao Cao: Two days? Ah, that's great. We can take that time to clean up the mess caused by my one hell of a shitty son Cao Pi in this place…
Cut to Cao Pi and the rest of Wei being bound and gagged inside a bunker.
Jia Xu: So, Lord Cao Cao, is it true that Maury will come here?
Cao Cao: That's right. We'd better resolve this problem quickly so that Dong Si won't continue raging and flailing around at the possibility that his wife cheated on him…
Yue Jin: Uhhh…cheating? They weren't even married yet when Cai Wenji got pregnant! So technically it's not 'cheating'…
Cao Cao: I know, but won't you be pissed off as well upon knowing that your wife has been pregnant even before marrying you?
Yue Jin: Uhh…right.
Cao Cao: Yeah. Come on, gentlemen, we have no time to waste! We have to clean up this place quickly so that it will be clean when Maury came! Go, go, go!
2 days later…
The 9: Huff…
Maury: Hello everyone, and welcome back to an episode of 'The Maury Povich Show'!
Jia Xu: The fuck…they're recording this shit on TV?!
Guo Jia: Hey, it's alright! We'll become famous!
Jia Xu: But we're ALREADY famous, idiot!
Guo Jia: Well, at least we'll become celebrities! Haha!
Jia Xu: Good lord. facepalms
Maury: Ehem! So today, we have the case of this delicate maiden named Cai Wenji, and not one, not two, not THREE, not FOUR, not FIVE, but whopping NINE guys whom she suspects to be the father of her baby! So, Lady Cai Wenji, would you please tell us the tale of how you suddenly became pregnant and not even knowing who the father is?
Cai Wenji: Eh, ehm…I'm not really sure. I mean, I never got really intimate with ANY of the guys in Wei, so I was really shocked and confused when I found out that I'm pregnant.
Maury: Hm! Very weird, indeed. Well, this case is really similar to the one that occurred around 200 years ago, but let's not get into that. And now! For these 9 gentlemen right here! You are the men whom Cai Wenji is closest with. Would you please tell us your stories?
Cao Cao: Oh…well…I think I might actually be responsible for this, considering that I was the one who ransomed her from the Xiongnu at the first place. But beyond our mutual love for poetry, there's absolutely NOTHING between us. NOTHING.
Zhang Liao: Same as me. I suppose that's because of our days together serving Dong Zhuo, but we never got really close considering that my former lord Lu Bu executed her father.
Zhang He: Well! She truly is a beautiful, delicate flower, and we have mutual respect for fine art! But I clearly wouldn't do such thing to her! Ever!
Jia Xu: I suppose for the same reason as Zhang Liao. We were quite close during our service to Dong, so we were obviously relieved when we were finally reunited here, but there's really nothing beyond that, considering our age gap and all…
Guo Jia: Well, it's true that I like to hit on pretty ladies, but she's rejected me once before!
Xu Shu: …ehh…umm…well, she's kind and all, but…
Yue Jin: It's a misunderstanding! People once thought that we were gonna married, but that's just not true!
Yu Jin: Yeah, well…maybe it's because I employed such massive force for the sake of looking for her when she wandered off? I don't know. There's really nothing between us.
Xun Yu: We're just good friends! Nothing more!
Maury: Hmm…well, it seems that none of you is willing to admit it. Well, fortunately, I already have the DNA test results right here!
Everyone: WHA?!
Maury: Now, now, sit down, please, and listen. And the father is…
Everyone: gets tense
Maury: ….ALL NINE OF YOU, GENTLEMEN!
Everyone: …
"WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!"
Cao Cao: What the hell…LEMME SEE!
Maury: OW! Hey, that's rude!
Cao Cao: Fucking hell…what…no…NO WAY!
Jia Xu: …what the hell is this?!
Zhang Liao: The baby's DNA somehow matches ALL of our DNA?!
Yue Jin: How the fuck is that even possible?!
Yu Jin: More specifically, HOW COULD OUR DNA EVEN COME TO HER AT THE FIRST PLACE?!
Everyone: continues arguing
Xun Yu: …wait…your DNA…and Cai Wenji….oh no.
Everyone: Huh?! What? What is it?
Xun Yu: No…way…
Cao Cao: …Xun Yu?
Xun Yu: Err…
Cao Cao: You KNOW something, don't you?
Xun Yu: Eh, err…
Cao Cao: SPEAK!
Xun Yu: OKAY, OKAY! Errr…
At the day before Cai Wenji became pregnant…
Xun Yu: Whew. Hmm…let's see if this technology I bought from Jin works. The instructions…"This brand new cutting-edge water allows you to get pregnant by simply drinking someone's DNA! Even with the females! Even better, if you combine DNAs of two persons together, the baby will be the combination of both! Essentially they can have more than one fathers!" Hmph, this is quite a magnificent technology alright, but who the fuck would want their baby to have two or more fathers? That's dumb. Unless if the mother is a whore, but what happens when the baby asks who their 'real' father is? Pfftt. Oh well, maybe I could test it on a couple of mice…but using whose DNA? Hmm…
Several hours later…
Xun Yu: Whew! I managed to obtain the urines of Lord Cao Cao, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Jia Xu, Guo Jia, Xu Shu, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, and myself to obtain their sample DNAs…now let's see...oh, shit! I gotta take a piss. Hrmf, but what will happen if I leave this alone? If someone drinks that…ah, it's alright. They know that they're not allowed to mess with my workshop. runs to take a piss
Later…
Guo Jia: OY! Xun Yu! Where are you? Hello, science guy! Hm? Is this one of Xun Yu's experiments again? But they smell so…hff……ooh. grins widely, then mixes the DNA-water together before running away
Later…
Cai Wenji: Hello! Master Guo Jia! Lord Cao Cao is looking for you! Hello! Huff, I clearly saw him running towards here…whew…oh, there's a bottle of water here! drinks the DNA-water
Back to the present…
Everyone: glares at both Xun Yu and Guo Jia
Xun Yu: Eh, emmm…hey, it's his fault! points at Guo Jia
Guo Jia: The hell! It's clearly yours for concocting the stupid experiment at the first place!
Xun Yu: But you were the one who messed it up-
Everyone: Grrr….
Xun Yu and Guo Jia: …..gulp.
"….WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
After the brutal beatdown laid onto Xun Yu and Guo Jia, the rest of the nine then agreed to hold Guo Jia responsible and made him support Cai Wenji and her baby, despite all nine of them technically being the baby's father.
Around 9 months later…
"OWAAAAAA!"
Guo Jia: Hm? OH! THE BABY'S ARRIVED! OYY! YOU GUYS!
The rest of the nine: OH!
Guo Jia: Look! *our* son!
Everyone: Yeah! Ehhhh….whoa?
Cao Cao: What the hell?
Jia Xu: …dude, is this a baby, or some sort of a deformed demonic fetus?
Yue Jin: Look at this! The baby's face is practically a mish-mashed mess of our own facial features!
Zhang Liao: This is somehow even worse than the Empires baby mechanisms…
Cao Cao: Good lord…now after the people start thinking that you're the 'real' father of Cai Wenji's son, what are you gonna say when they find out that he has our facial features, huh?
Guo Jia: Hey, he has my features too, you know!
Dong Si: pats Guo Jia in the back
Guo Jia: AH! D-d-dong Si!
Dong Si: Well, this better be a lesson for you slippery youth. Don't mess other people's work.
Guo Jia: Erh…okay…
Everyone: laughs
Guo Jia: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
THE END
WHEW! Man, it's finally complete! Thank you so much for everyone who's read this fic from the beginning to the end! Good day!