A/N: While this wasn't the original plan when I first got this prompt from allcoyledup, it was the plan about three chapters in. I apologize if I've dragged you all through the ringer, this is by far the most angsty fic I've ever tackled/written, but I thank you all for sticking with the story and having faith in me to get our favorite couple through this. The reviews have been really helpful and encouraging. Again thanks to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. Please review and enjoy!

Part IX

John had stayed up with her all night, even when she slept peacefully he remained awake checking to see if the bleeding had worsened or if her fever had broken. When her sweat soaked through her night gown he changed it again; anything to keep him busy, anything to keep her comfortable. Her mother came in a few times to check in on her but there were no words exchanged between the two of them. Helen did bring him a tray of food at one point, a peace offering of sorts, he supposed. But John didn't have the desire to eat anything, in fact just staring at the plate of toast made his stomach recoil. He didn't change out of his clothes and didn't sleep in the bed for fear of disturbing her, instead he sat in a small chair by the bed, his eyes fixed on the clock while he brooded.

A small laugh escaped his mouth as he was reminded of how his wife so often teased him that if he was going to brood, he should brood about her. If only she could see him now. She was all he could think about. Her and their baby-their son. A life they had not yet met or held and yet he was no less special or important in their hearts. John would never admit it aloud but he had his doubts about becoming a father when Anna had come back from the doctor that day a little over a month ago. But it had all melted away when he saw the blinding smile on his wife's face. She had seemed so sure about everything, never doubting. It didn't take much convincing for him to see that he could do this so long as he had Anna to guide him. A single tear fell from his eyes and he quickly brushed it away not wanting to wake Anna.

John reached for his pocket watch, it was going on two in the morning. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and leaned back a little as he tried to formulate words and figure out how he would break the news to his wife. He eventually came to the conclusion that there was no right way to say this, it would not take the sting out of the words. His body finally gave into exhaustion and he fell asleep in the tiny chair watching over his beloved Anna.

He had always been a light sleeper and today was no exception, he heard Anna stirring in the bed and immediately woke up wanting to be the first thing she saw when she came to. She looked lost somehow, like she didn't even recognize the very room they had shared for nearly a year. John guessed that it must be just past six in the morning as the sun had just barely begun to creep up over the neighboring cottages and spill into the window. Anna was sat up in bed propped up against the pillows with her hair fanned out against them, her hands rest around the base of her stomach, and staring helplessly at her husband. She looked wide awake; he assumed she had woken up before him.

John leaned forward in his chair and reached for her hand, "Oh Anna." He placed a kiss on her hand, "My Anna." He kissed her other hand, "I'm so happy to see you awake. How are you feeling my darling?"

She stared at him blankly. Anna could only recall bits and pieces of the events the day before but the physical ache she felt in her side told her what she already feared the most. "John?"

"Yes, my love. What is it?" John asked as he steeled himself. His wife had never been one to beat around the bush; no, she had always been direct with him. Whatever it was she was planning to ask him he knew he had to be the strong one, she would need to draw her strength from him to get through this.

"He's gone, isn't he?" she asked in the smallest voice he had ever heard.

John was in shock, he had not expected her to know that she lost the baby, let alone that it had been a boy. Maybe it was just feminine intuition or perhaps she had overheard the doctor say something after the delivery. His brain willed him to speak, not to leave her in suspense any longer than necessary. But the look on her face pained him more than he had anticipated and he wanted to crumble in her arms then and there. He wished he were anywhere but here having to break the news to the love of his life. "Yes," John answered in a shaky voice.

Anna sat there and nodded her head in understanding, trying to make sense of what John had just said. Her lower lip wobbled for a second or two until she clamped down using her upper lip.

He wanted to hug her or kiss her, but she seemed so withdrawn in that moment that he wasn't even sure she wanted to be touched. They had always been able to read one anothers thoughts and be what the other one needed. But he was at a loss now; she was unreadable to him. "No amount of apologies could ever convey how sorry I am. The doctor said these things just happen, that there was nothing that could be done." He noticed her hands squeezed tightly at the sheets that were draped over her legs and formed little fists, her knuckles turning a shade of pink as she squeezed tighter. Still she said nothing. The doctor's warnings still ringing in his ear. "I love you, Anna...so, so much. Please don't give up on me," he pleaded.

She swallowed hard as her eyes filled with tears, but they did not spill over. Only his wife could take such horrific news with dignity and grace, still holding her head up high. Anna sat like that for what seemed like hours, unblinking, without so much as a sound. She finally sunk into her pillow and rolled over with her back to John.

He stood up and placed a kiss on the top of her head. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to get you some tea and food. You'll need to keep up your strength," he whispered into her hair.

He was just about to walk out the door when he heard her mumble, "For what?" Her words cutting through him like a knife. John only wished he had an answer for her.

Anna laid alone in their bedroom staring at the wall, the pain from the delivery still lingered, but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as the hole in her heart. Part of her wished the bed would swallow her up whole; she felt empty, defeated, void of purpose. How had she been so foolish to think that John's prison sentence would be the last of their troubles? All their dreams dashed. The doctor came and went, he told her she would heal with time and she and John could try again in a few months time, but it did little to comfort her. Every once in awhile her mother would come in to check on her and bring her food; food she refused to eat, her appetite gone. John would try to get her to talk or coax her to eat her food but eventually he gave up and settled in the chair by her side.

The day came and went. Mrs. Hughes arrived later in the evening to visit with Anna and was almost turned away by Helen, until John had overheard her voice from upstairs. He insisted that Mrs. Hughes was always welcome in their house. Once Helen had cleared out of the room John led Mrs. Hughes upstairs, stopping a few feet short of the door and filled her in on how Anna was doing. Having never been through the loss of a child she couldn't really relate, but her closeness with Anna ensured she would treat her with the utmost care and sympathy. The housekeeper was about to enter their bedroom when John thought it important to mention, "I'm not sure why. But Anna won't let her mother anywhere near her. She won't say why and Helen has been close lipped since yesterday."

They spoke in hushed tones, a habit they had grown accustomed to in all their years working at Downton. "I noticed the same thing yesterday when you left us alone with the doctor. Anna practically insisted she leave. I was so concerned about Anna and the baby I didn't think to question it," she commented.

"I don't want to keep Anna waiting, I'm sure she's been expecting you," he said as as he held the door open for Elsie. Surprisingly it was the one time Anna perked up and even though John felt a flash of jealousy that he couldn't get that sort of reaction from her, he was happy for it. He gave them a moment alone and asked Mrs. Hughes if she would like a cup of tea, to which she said, "I will if Anna joins me." Anna finally gave in and agreed to a cup of tea and John was forever grateful for it.

"How are you holding up my dear girl?" Elsie asked as she took a seat beside the younger woman. Anna didn't answer her, instead her fingers mindlessly traced the patterns on the quilt that was laid out on their bed. "Mr. Bates says you've barely spoken today. That you refuse to see or talk to your mother."

"And what would I speak to them about?" Anna replied a little sharper than Mrs. Hughes was used to.

Mrs. Hughes had expected this much. She had been harboring her anger all day; she had barely shed a tear according to Mr. Bates. "They are both concerned about you and I'm sure they're both grieving," Elsie responded back.

"My mother didn't even know about the baby," Anna stated coldly.

"That doesn't make it any less painful. She knows now and of course she cares about you too," Mrs. Hughes added. "Surely you don't blame her for what happened?"

Anna folded her arms in silent protest. "No. Maybe. I don't know," Anna replied sadly.

Elsie let out a heavy sigh, glad to see that the younger girl had been able to see reason in all this. But the next words that came out of Anna's mouth made her think otherwise.

"I can't help thinking it was my fault," Anna said with absolute certainty.

"What? Anna, you can't be serious? I was there myself when the doctor told Mr. Bates that this was an unforeseeable accident," Elsie replied. The older woman shaking her head, refusing to believe a word Anna said.

"Was it? I pursued a married man, convinced him to divorce his wife and fate tried to keep us apart by sending him to prison. He was finally released and when my mother didn't approve of him I bargained with God. I asked him to make things right between them...somehow...I didn't care how," Anna said speaking so fast that Mrs. Hughes could barely keep up. The tears were now coming down faster than they had before, showing no sign of stopping. "I didn't mean to...but I asked for this. I made it happen. It cost me my baby boy and I want him back. Please Mrs. Hughes, I want him back." Anna's lip quivered and she couldn't catch her breath, she was crying so hard.

It broke her heart to see the young woman whom she had known since she was a young girl look so broken. Mrs. Hughes took the younger girl into her arms and tried to soothe her and held her as tightly as she could without causing Anna any further pain. John walked back into the room to the sight of Anna clinging on to Mrs. Hughes like she was a life preserver. He set the tray down on the side table and stood there as he listened to Mrs. Hughes try to comfort his wife. "My poor girl, you didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. God would not be so cruel." She rocked Anna back and forth like she would a baby and rubbed calming circles into her back until the sobs subsided.

John couldn't watch any more of this, he walked out of the room and closed the bedroom door behind him. As he stood on the stairs he began to cry, harder than he ever had when his father had beat him as a child, or when he'd been injured in the war, and more than he had in prison when he was handed his guilty sentence. He slid down, using the wall to brace himself until he slumped down onto the stairs. John brushed a loose lock back that had fallen forward and dabbed at his eyes with his handkerchief when he noticed Helen was watching him at the base of the stairs. With tears in her eyes, she offered him a sympathetic smile and let him have his moment of privacy before walking back into the kitchen to make Anna a fresh bowl of soup.