I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music.
Billy Joel
Careful, careful. Two hallways and then safety. I looked quickly around the corner, and found my way to be clear. Quickly, now. I hated that I had been reduced to scuttling around the school like a cockroach, but it was better then adding to my collection of bruises.
Most of my classes have a least one Glee club member in them, so I'm usually ok with relying on the old premise of safety in numbers. If that was impossible, I tried to at least tag along after a teacher. They might ignore the more subtle hints of bullying, but no one would actually let a beating occur right in front of them. I was still getting slushied and pushed into lockers three times a week, but at least no one had tried to beat the crap out of me. The five dumb amigos were always watching me, though, just looking for their chance.
This was the tricky part of the day. I had no friends in my classes, and none of the teachers in this hallway had a free period afterwards. I had to keep to the exact middle of the hallway, take fast left, then another left, where I could hook up with Mike and be walked the rest of the way to Trig. He had tried to talk some sense into the rest of the team, but they weren't buying it. At this point, I doubted either Finn himself or Puck's ghost could have convinced them that none of this was my fault. The best I could hope for was that I laid low long enough that they would find someone else to pick on.
I clutched my messenger bag tightly to my chest. One more turn and I could see Mike from here. Without warning my shoulder was wrenched back and a pair of lips touched my ear. "You won't be able to avoid us forever, you freak."
Mike started to step forward, but the person was already gone. At this rate, Finn and I would either both be taking anti-anxiety medication very soon. At the least, we would be trying to cover up more bruises.
I pulled up alongside Mike, having successfully run the gauntlet one more time. He was clearly troubled by what had just happened, but, now that my adrenaline was wearing down, I was less so. I had been harassed and threatened for two years now, and this new aggression really wasn't much worse then what had come before it. As long as I took care to be alert, I should be fine.
If you repeat that to yourself often enough, it might become the truth.
Or maybe my good mood was stemming from the fact that Finn was coming to school today. Ok, maybe it would be after all the classes were out, and only for Glee, but it was an enormous step forward.
To accommodate him and his new phobias, Glee had been moved from starting at 3:00 to starting at 3:45 in an attempt to get most of the student body out of the school and on their ways home before he made an appearance. The club had also sworn an oath of silence on the matter. For the moment at least, the only ones who knew he was coming were us, Mr. Shuester, and Principal Figgins. Hopefully everything went off smoothly.
This morning had been a good start. Finn woke up at the same time I did and joined me for breakfast. He didn't have much to say, but early morning was never his best time. He asked me a few times to when he was supposed to be there and what we would all be doing, but he mostly seemed lost in his own thoughts.
"Is Finn still coming today?" Mike doesn't talk much, especially to me, but I knew that he was curious. He considered both Finn and Puck friends, and had the same need the rest of us did to keep Finn close.
Funny, I didn't think about that very often. There was my pain, and the family's pain, and even Finn's pain, but everyone who had touched Finn and Puck's lives felt their loss. Maybe not as strongly as we did, but even I had to admit that it's unusual to lose a friend at the age of 16. It's even more unusual to have one murdered and the other lost for months. It was just something that most people don't have to deal with. It didn't mean that they didn't worry or care about Finn, though.
"As far as I know, the answer is still yes. He seemed excited this morning." There was no guarantee that his excitement would hold, but I was pretty sure he would shot up. The more he heals, the most restless Finn gets in the house, and this was a good and safe opportunity for some freedom.
"That's good. We're still going to be one short, though. I mean, I don't really care if we compete or not, but if we don't win, Figgins will shut us down."
That was one of the big differences between Mike and I. I lived for the spotlight, and applause, and the adoration of the masses. Practicing and performing in Glee was just what I had to do to get to the performance part. "We'll recruit someone. A lower range alto girl may be able to pull off some of the parts if we can't get another guy."
I had actually been thinking about that a lot lately. Everyone had been quietly canvassing their circle of acquaintances, but no one was willing to take the bait. Probably because the Glee club was the lowest rung in school society. Or maybe because of the fact that everyone in school knew that I was a marked man. The reason for that had nothing to do with the Glee club itself, but no one knew that. Let's face it; we're radioactive as a club.
Mike forced a smile. "We'll find someone. After all the shit we've been through as a club, it would be really stupid to fall apart over one missing member."
Stupid, but not that far-fetched. After all, incredibly stupid things happen every day. But I admired his optimism. "Of course we will. Thanks for taking me to class."
"No problem. See you in Glee." He wasn't afraid of walking to class alone. The worst that happened to every other member of the Glee club was a slushy to the face, and Mike and Matt were usually held exempt from that particular punishment.
But now wasn't the time to dwell on those things. Now was the time to take a Trig quiz. Then there would be lunch, three more classes, a break, and Glee. The day was halfway over, and nothing bad had happened.
You do realize that thinking that pretty much guarantees that something terrible will, right?
I worried all through the rest of the day, but nothing happened. Even in the cafeteria, which was also known as Slushie Ground Zero, the Glee club was mostly ignored. A few permutations of 'freak' and 'fag' floated over, but it wouldn't be lunch time with out that entertainment.
Artie looked up as I sat down. "Is Finn still coming?"
I know this is a little rude, but sometimes I feel like I'm nothing more then the pipeline for Finn information. He has a cell phone, and email. Any one of them could give him a call or sent and email. They could even come over the house and hang out with him.
But they don't. While I don't doubt their love for Finn, they usually rely on having me pass him messages. I get it with some of them, especially the quieter ones, but Artie could text Finn himself.
I know why he doesn't, though. I know why they all don't. Just like I'm the personification of everything that's gone wrong to Donny and his goons, Finn has become a living tragedy. No one will say it, and maybe they don't even know or understand it themselves, but no one wants to get too close to Finn right now, in case his bad luck rubs off.
That's wrong, and I was going to have to stop playing into it. "I think so. Call him and ask."
He shot me a confused look. "Okaay."
But he did it. "Hey, Finn, it's Artie…No, he's fine, he's right here with me…I was just wondering if you were still coming for Glee today?...Awesome, see you then." He hung up. "He's coming."
Tina leaned over. "You're 100% sure that we shouldn't do anything special for him?"
The entire Glee club had wanted to sing a song for Finn when he comes back, to show our support and love. It was a wonderful gesture, and the old Finn would have loved it, but this one wouldn't. Making an enormous fuss over him would just end up upsetting him. "I'm sure. He's going to be nervous and freaked out enough. Just let him settle in at his own pace. Plus, it might hurt not to see Puck up there."
"As long as you're sure." She was disappointed, but if anyone understands wanting to fade into the background, it's Tina.
"Maybe in a few weeks, once things are a bit more settled." I didn't bring up another logistical problem, thought it had certainly occurred to me: no one writes songs about recovering from rape and murder. "Anyway, I think he has a song he wants to sing for us."
Mercedes and Tina exchanged glances and giggled in tandem. "I think he has a song he wants to sing for someone, but I don't think it's the entire group."
I was going to have to drag both of them aside and let them know that they needed to cool it. This entire thing with Finn and I had to be kept under wraps, at least until after the trial. For the moment, I settled for shooting them evil looks. They seemed to get it and settled down.
School lets out at 2:40, which left more then an hour before Glee. Some of the guys were grabbing a quick snack, but I wasn't hungry. Instead I walked to the auditorium and sat down. I wasn't afraid that Donny would find me in here, since I'm pretty sure he has no idea that we even have an auditorium, much less that someone would enter it voluntarily.
The only lights on were the safety ones, and the stage was dark. But you don't get as far as I have without a pretty vivid imagination, and I had no trouble seeing all of us up there. First doing 'Don't Stop Believing' with the original six of us. Me sneaking looks over at Finn, who was trying to herd cats into a cohesive group. Then the school assembly where I got brave and smacked him on the ass. Singing 'Last Name' with April Rhodes, 'Proud Mary' in wheelchairs, 'True Colors' in multihued glory. The triple-cast horror that had been 'Run, Joey, Run.' And their very last time together, seeing Finn and Puck up there dressed as KISS and wild as could be. It's a beautiful mental picture of the pair.
There were other memories, of course, but Finn and Puck were suddenly gone from them. Rehearsing for our funeral songs. Singing 'Over the Rainbow' when we thought it was all over. Rachel and I on that stage one day, singing 'Faithfully' for the man we had both loved and lost.
In just few weeks, the group would be back up there again. Through an absolute miracle, we had gotten Finn back, but Puck was gone forever. Those images of the 12 of us that I had frozen in my brain would never be repeated, no matter where we went from here.
"It's strange to think that we'll have a group again. I thought for sure that we were done." I startled badly, twisting around to look at Rachel. She smiled wryly at me. "Sorry, I thought that you saw me."
"I guess I was caught up in my own thoughts." I was never quite sure how to take Rachel. In some ways, she was the enemy. She could be cruel and spiteful when you got in her way, and she usually took the solos I wanted. Plus, she was Finn's ex-girlfriend, and, if this hadn't happened, would probably be the one he was sleeping with now.
But there was another side to her, too. A side that had brought over plates of cookies and casseroles to the family during the first few weeks that Finn was missing. No one had had the time or inclination to cook, not even me, so she made sure we were fed. She was gentle with Finn now, and completely respectful of the limits he would set. She still flirted, but the 25 slide power point presentations about how they needed to get back together were a thing of the past.
I know that I don't always see her objectively, which is why I'm trying harder to be nice. The old me would have snipped at her, but the new one just nodded. "I'm glad we still have a group."
"We'll find a 12th person. I've already done some research, and I think we have some untapped resources."
"Who?" I had gone over this myself, but unless I wanted to try tapping the exchange students, most of whom couldn't speak English (and really, who in their right mind transfers to Lima, Ohio, anyway?), I couldn't think anyone who would want to join.
Oh, come on now. I think you could actually manage to recruit quite a few people. After all, the Glee club has one very important thing that it never had before: a celebrity. Why bother trying to get Finn news out of you, when they can go in there and just ask him themselves? Sure, they're stuck with the club, but that's a small thing. After all, you have to pay an admission to get into the freak show at the fair, don't you?
That had never occurred to me. Would someone really try to join Glee just to screw us over?
Six words for you. Quinn Fabray, Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce.
That was true. It had also turned out alright in the end. But I couldn't guarantee that that would happen again. More likely, someone would devastate us. But if we didn't get another person, we couldn't compete. It was a catch-22.
Rachel kept going, chattering happily. "Do you know that McKinley High has 292 incoming Freshman, plus 26 new students in the upper grades? That's 300 potential members right there. We just have to get to them before everyone else does."
I hadn't thought of that. "I guess that that is a good idea." Even though I was liking Rachel better, and trying very hard, it still came out sounding way too surprised. What can I say; I'm a work in progress.
"We'll have to be very careful, though. With Finn and Puck, the Glee club has attracted a lot of negative attention, and we need to ensure that no one tries out with bad intentions. Finn needs us to protect him."
There are times when I think that Rachel will eventually outsmart us all. She had thought of this long before I had, and was being watchful. "We can do it. What are you doing in here, anyway?"
"Just thinking." She looked at the stage, and I wondered what it was she saw when she thought about it. Did she think about singing Grease with Finn that first day? Imagine his hand in hers during 'Don't Stop Believing?' Did she think about standing on that same stage with Jesse, and mentally compare the two? Imagine stolen moments the two of them had shared under those lights?
"What are you thinking about?" I was actually having a give and take conversation with her. Despite our growing bond, I could count the number of times it had happened on my fingers. If we were only counting the ones where no one ended up screaming and storming off, I might have to reduce that counting on a single hand.
"I just keep seeing Finn and Puck doing KISS up there. Do you remember how pissed off both of us were that they wouldn't do Lady Gaga with us?"
Funny, I really hadn't. Now that she brought it up, I totally remembered my snark. "That wasn't one of our finer moments."
"He and I got into a fight about it. I told him that he was being a sexist jerk." Even though she was talking to me, she kept looking at the stage. I looked too, as if I would see their ghosts up there, locked in their argument. "He told me that I was just as bad, and why didn't I want to do KISS with them?"
"There are only five members of KISS." That wasn't the point, but I'm a stickler for the details.
"I said that, too. And he screamed back that there's only one Lady Gaga, and we were all doing her. So I told him that he just didn't get it and stormed out." She shook her head. "He didn't follow me."
No, he wouldn't have. When he's been pushed to the limit, Finn won't back down, and he certainly wouldn't beg for forgiveness. 10 minutes later, when his anger had cooled, he usually felt differently, but not in the heat of the moment.
Her story went a long way towards explaining his pissy fit in the basement, though. He had fought with Rachel, then come home and heard the exact same argument from me. No wonder he blew up over a moist towelette.
By the way? I am totally creeped out at how much Rachel and I sometimes have in common. It's not a flattering look for either one of us.
"In a way, he was kind of right. We screamed at Finn for being inflexible and refusing to leave his comfort zone, but then we did the same thing." She shook her head. "I wish I could take it back now."
I had thought about this, as well as every interaction that I had had with Finn in the previous six months, until the memories were grainy. "He was right and he was wrong. I think his reasons for refusing went deeper then ours, and it wouldn't have hurt him to think on that a little. But it's a moot point, now."
She smiled sadly. "I wish we had more pictures of it. Or of any of our songs. That yearbook picture might be the only one of us all together."
That was probably true. We were a group, but a group that was made up of lots of little groups. I could probably find a dozen pictures of Finn with Rachel, and a ton of me with Mercedes or Tina. Quinn, Brittany, and Santana probably had an entire photo album. But I'll be there wasn't a single picture of me with Mike or Matt. Or one of Finn with Mercedes. And getting everyone in frame and smiling for a group picture? Yeah, right.
"We'll get some more this year." Before I could expand on that thought, my phone beeped, telling me it was 3:30. Time to head to the side entrance of the school and wait for Carole and Finn. "I'll see you in the Choir room."
She had to know where I was going, but she was kind enough to let me go in peace. "Bye, Kurt."
"Bye." Even though I knew that football practice was running right now and I should be safe, I still took a minute to look both ways and make sure that I was safe. Except for a few members of the debate club that were hanging out near the water fountain, the halls were empty. The bell created a mass stampede to leave around here, and all of the other clubs had started 45 minutes before.
I was a few minutes early, but I could already see Carole's car. Figures moved inside, and I saw Carole point at me. The passenger side door opened and Finn stepped out, looking worried as always.
I didn't call out to him, not wanting to attract any extra attention. He came right to me, no hesitation and no fear. In fact, he was smiling happily. "Hey, Kurt."
"Hey, yourself. How was your morning?" I herded him into the building ahead of me, giving Carole a quick wave good-bye.
"Same old, same old." He was alert, but still under control. "I finished the book and your Dad did one of the geography tests with me. I don't really get why we have to memorize all those stupid maps of Europe, though. It's easier to just look it up on the computer."
Personally, I agreed with him, but letting him know that would just convince him that he didn't need to even try. "You have to memorize them, because one day all technology might fail and you would have no computer to look it up on."
Finn was unimpressed. "If all the technology fails, I don't think that my first problem is going to be finding Latvia on a map. It's probably going to be getting food."
His first priority was always going to be getting food. Instead of arguing the point with him, though, I pointed to the folder in his hand. "What's in there?"
He tucked it protectively to his chest. "My music."
So he was going to sing for us after all. I didn't bother asking for the song, since he had refused to tell me so far, and it would only be a few more minutes.
"Finn!" Brittany raced out of the Choir room and threw herself into his arms. He hugged her back grinning like a madman. "Where have you been? I miss having you in class."
"I've been at home. That's where I go to school for now." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her into the room.
"For how long?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. "Not forever. Probably not even all year."
Conversation broke off there so that everyone else could welcome Finn back with hugs and fist bumps. I was momentarily forgotten as he refamiliarized himself with his friends. It was good, but it made me sad as well. The more Finn moved back into the world, less he would need me. Maybe soon he wouldn't need me at all.
Everyone was talking at once, and it started getting a little confusing. Mr. Shuester was late, and, despite Rachel's best efforts to get us under control, it just wasn't happening. In the past, Finn would have probably stepped in, but he wasn't speaking up now. Either he wasn't sure of his place here any more, or he was way too distracted by Artie's enthusiastic description of some video game.
It was nearly 4 by the time Mr. Shue came in. The look of rage on his face when he first came though the door told me that something was going wrong already. It could be Principal Figgins, but it was more likely that Coach Sylvester had done something. As soon as he saw Finn, though, he softened. "Hey Finn, I'm glad you were able to join us."
"Glad to be here." Finn smiled at him.
"Alright, you guys. Everyone find a seat and let's talk about how we're going to take Regionals this year." Mr. Shue too his usual place leaning against the piano.
"Not with only 11 people" It's like Santana just can't let anyone be happy for even a few minutes.
"We'll get someone else. It's just a matter of keeping positive." He wans't going to let her drag him down.
"Oh, I'm positive." She let it go there, but the point had been made.
"Santana, quit being a bitch." To my shock, it was Finn who had spoken up. While he might call someone out in a fit of rage, this calm correction was new. "You don't have to spoil everyone else's day."
She snorted but said nothing else. Mr. Shue smirked, though I have to give him credit for at least trying to cover it with his hand. "Finn, please watch the language. Didn't you have a song you wanted to perform for us?"
"Yep." Finn jumped up and handed his music over to Brad, who arranged it quickly on the piano. "So, um, yeah. Mr. Shue helped me with this."
The opening strains were kind of familiar, but in a generic way. Finn cocked his head, and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. For the first time in six months, he was able to perform for an audience. His voice was soft when he first began, but he was confident in a way I hadn't seen before.
It's hard for me, to say the things,
I want to say sometimes.
There's no one here, but you and me
And that broken old streetlight
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got, to give to you,
Are these five words tonight
Thank you, for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips,
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you, for loving me
Thank you, for loving me
I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies
You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you'd part the sea
And risk you own life to rescue me
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words tonight
Thank you, for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you, for loving me
Thank you, for loving me
The song was for everyone, but he never once took his eyes off of me. Despite how many times he had told me that I was important and special to him, this was a level of commitment that I hadn't expected, though I had certainly hoped for.
It's still not an 'I love you'
No. It was far better. No one else seemed to notice what was happening, probably because they were more focused on the 'thank you' part of the song then the implications. Except, of course, for Rachel, who looked like an orgasm might be imminent.
Everyone applauded enthusiastically as Finn took his seat nest to me. I rubbed his shoulder and whispered. "That was great."
"Thanks." He smiled shyly at everyone. "That was it, guys. No more."
Everyone laughed, and a thin layer of ice shattered between all of us. Finn was still Finn, with all of his goofy awkwardness. Maybe he was a little quieter, and a little sadder, but we still knew him.
"Wonderful job, Finn. What we're going to do here is just start planning out some songs, and worry about recruitment later." I had to give him credit for appearing calm and in control, when we all knew that if we didn't get someone soon, we were sunk.
Rachel, of course, had several color coded binders filled with suggestions for solo songs, group numbers, and every imaginable combination of both male and female voices. This must have taken her days, if not weeks to organize.
Girl needs to get laid.
That was undoubtedly true, but I had to admire the way she took charge, stunning the rest of us into compliance with the Blitzkrieg of music. Almost before I knew what was happening, we were all singing 'Empire State of Mind' together.
It was the first time we had all sung together since Puck's funeral and it was surprising how easily we fell right back into old patterns. Even Finn had melded seamlessly back into the group.
Every one of us was disappointed when 5:30 rolled around and it was time to leave. Sure, we hadn't done much, but it was a small step in things becoming normal again.
Once Finn and I were in the car to go home, though, I had to revise that thought. To me, and probably most of the rest of the club, today had been a small thing. To Finn, it was enormous. He had gotten out of the house and returned to the place in Lima where he was most likely to be haunted by Puck's ghost. He had confronted the rest of the Glee club, knowing full well that he wasn't the same person he had been the last time we all stood together in this room.
He was feeling it as well. Without speaking a word, he slowly tapped out a rhythm on the dashboard, his focus solely on his task. I listened with half an ear, trying to figure out the song from the muffled thumps. Nothing. Whatever Finn was doing, it made sense only in his own head.
I slid a hand off the wheel and rested it on the center console, palm up. An invitation, not a summons. Finn cut his eyes over at it, but didn't move. I waited patiently. I wasn't going to argue, and I certainly wasn't capable of out-stubborning him, but I could always offer some quiet support.
We were more then halfway home when he slipped his hand into mine. "I really miss Puck. He would have….." He trailed off there with a shrug. Whether he didn't know or just didn't feel like sharing, I was getting the feeling that it was going to be a quiet night at home.
Which it was. Oh, it wasn't that Finn didn't talk. He talked our ears off all through dinner, and followed Carole around for a good two hours afterwards, still chirping away. We all heard about the Glee rehearsal, and that his song had gone well (though he wisely refused a repeat performance), and pretty much every other thought that could possibly enter his head. Three times. His hyped up talking was almost more disturbing then his silence had been.
Even with all of his chatter, though, he really wasn't saying much. He didn't mention whether or not it was hard for him to go back to the school, didn't talk about missing Puck, didn't worry about missing Glee practice for the trial. Just on and on and on about the minutiae of his day.
None of us were sure what to do about it, so we just let him go without pushing the issue. Luckily, Finn wore out about 9, and crashed before 10. I puttered around for a while, finishing up some homework and picking up some of Finn's mess. How one person can create such a disaster zone in a single day is a mystery that may never be fully solved.
I gave the rats each a quick scratch, something I wouldn't do in front of Finn. I was actually fond of the little guys now, but I had to have something to complain about when I can't think of anything else.
Finn was in the middle of the bed, heavy and limp. I tickled him lightly, and he rolled over to his own side. I kissed the back of his neck. "Night, Cowboy."
I was woken up a few hours later when something slammed into my body, throwing me backwards. I was hit again in the shoulder, making me shriek and roll off the bed. My elbow smashed into the floor. What the hell was happening?
Finn had bolted upright in bed, his eyes wide and reflecting in the dark. His breathing was loud and harsh. Then it stopped entirely, plunging the basement into silence. I had to clear my throat twice before I could make a sound. "Finn? Are you ok?"
He screamed. Over and over, the sounds echoing off the walls and making it sound like a madhouse.
I tried to get up and soothe him, but I couldn't move. I was ashamed of myself, but I was also very, very scared. When he was awake and aware, Finn was very gentle and in control. When he was like this, though, he could easily hurt me without realizing it. Dad's black eye was fresh in my mind. What would Finn do to me?
That didn't stop me from trying to call his name, though. "Finn! Finn, it's alright. You're safe baby, it's alright."
I got a stream of broken gibberish in response. Was I supposed to try and wake him up? Or was this like a sleepwalking episode, where waking him up would just make things worse?
The basement was suddenly flooded with light. "Kurt, Finn, what the hell is going on?"
Finn was so loud that he had woken out parents two floors up. I scrambled to my feet and barreled at them. "He won't wake up!" They could fix this. I had tried, but they were the adults here and they would know what to do. Sometimes it was better to let someone with experience handle these things.
If I was afraid to touch Finn right now, Carole wasn't. She strode confidently down the stairs and climbed onto the bed. "Finn, stop." Her voice was gentle.
Dad and I both held our breaths, but Finn didn't react violently and he didn't scream again. He was still muttering nonsense, his eyes hugely dilated and black, but he allowed her to gather him into her arms. "Be calm, Sweetie. You're safe, you're safe."
I had said the exact same thing, but it actually had an effect this time. Finn curled into her, going silent and burying his face in her neck. Dad tugged on my shoulder. "Come on upstairs, kiddo."
Normally, I would have protested, but I did kind of feel like I was intruding on a private moment. I let Dad lead me up the stairs and into the kitchen, where he made two mugs of warm milk. I took one, the liquid sloshing a bit as my hands shook. Now that my adrenaline was wearing down, it was all hitting me hard.
He noticed. "Are you ok, Kurt? What happened?"
I forced myself not to start crying. "I think he had a nightmare, but I couldn't get him to wake up." I strained my ears, but still heard nothing coming from the basement. Carole must have managed to calm him down.
Of course she did. She's his mother, and he knows her. Even in the middle of a total freak-out, he knows. Her voice, her touch, her smell, that's all comfort and safety to him. One day, things will be like that for the pair of you, too.
Dad shook his head. "Sounded like someone was killing him." He hugged me again. "It scared me, so I know it scared you. Are you alright?"
Was I? My chest hurt from where Finn had lashed out, and my elbow was throbbing where from smashing into the floor. Beyond that, though, my heart felt crushed. Every time Finn took a step forward, something like this happened. "I think so."
Carole came back upstairs, looking exhausted. "He's out."
"Did he say what happened?" Dad offered her his untouched mug.
"No, he never really woke up. He's had night terrors like that before, but not for a few years." Her hand came out to gently pat my back. "It's alright, Kurt. Finn's fine and he won't even remember this in the morning. If it happens again, come get me right away."
I started to say something, but was interrupted by red and blue lights flashing through the windows. There were no sirens, but two police cars were pulling into the driveway. Dad startled. "What the hell?"
He opened the door before they could knock. "Can I help you?"
We must have been a rather motley crew. I was in a nice pair of dark blue pajamas, but Carole was in an old nightgown and Dad in just his boxer shorts and a hastily thrown on T-shirt. At this point, though, we knew every officer in Lima, so no one said anything.
It was Officer Ryan who spoke. "We received a 911 call that someone was possibly hurt at this address. Someone heard screaming."
It took a minute to settle in. The police were at our house because Finn had been screaming so loudly that the neighbors had actually heard him. Yes, the windows were open, but he had actually been that loud and panicked-sounding.
Carole rested her forehead in her hands. "Finn had a night terror and was screaming. I guess he was louder then we thought he was."
All of the police officers liked Finn. He was often at the station, clarifying things and giving statements. Like most people, they were charmed by his sweet awkwardness and pleasant demeanor during questioning. Carole was forever getting compliments on the good kid she had raised.
That pleasant demeanor usually fell apart shortly after leaving the station. No matter what he pretended, both being at the station and answering questions were traumatic, and he could only hold himself together for so long. The therapist said it was actually good thing that he felt safe enough, even with Dad around, to let go and have a tantrum, but it didn't make it much easier to deal with.
"Look, I believe you totally, but if I leave without at least seeing Finn, and it turns out something is really wrong, it's my butt on the line. Can we just talk to him for a minute?"
"He's sleeping and I don't know if I can wake him up. But one of you can go down and take a look at him if you're quiet. One of you, and I'm going with." At this point, there are battles that our family is willing to fight, and battles that we aren't, and this one just wasn't worth it.
Officer Ryan nodded and followed her down the basement stairs to make sure Finn was still alive and breathing. The rest of us stood awkwardly, not sure what to do or say. Yep, guys, this was what our lives were like. Finn's suffering didn't magically end because he was home, or because his abuser was in jail. No matter what the outcome of the trial, Finn had already received a life sentence.
They were back in less then a minute. "Thank you, Carole. I'm sorry to have disturbed all of you"
The only thing disturbed around here was Finn, but no one wanted to say that. We all just gave him weak smiles and promised to have Finn back to the station in a few days for trial prep.
My milk was barely warm now, more like milk that had been left sitting out too long, and I could barely get the last few swallows down. Of course, there wasn't much room around the giant lump in my throat, either.
Carole stroked a hand down my back. "Are you ok, Sweetie? You can go back down there, or I'll set you up on the couch for the night. He'll probably stay down for the rest of the night, but I'm not positive. It's been really long time since this has happened."
I didn't want to spend the night on the couch. I could clear some things off of Finn's bed, and sleep there, or get back in with him and take the risk. "I'll go back downstairs."
We said out goodnights, and I trudged back down the stairs. It wasn't that I was afraid of Finn any more, or that I thought he would hurt me. It was just that I was tired. Physically exhausted, yes, but it was more then that. I was sick of this. Sick of the police, and the uncertainty, and everything revolving around one stupid choice that Finn and Puck had made more then six months before.
I hate it when I feel like this, because it's so unproductive and selfish. If I hate the police being here all the time, I can't imagine how Finn feels every time he's drug to the station for another round of humiliating questions. If I'm sick of the uncertainty, it's a million times worse for him, because he knows that a murderer and rapist could be let back out on the streets. And if I was upset about a decision that had been made, at least I didn't have the live with the guilt of being the one who made it and let my best friend get killed.
Finn had it worse then I did in aspects of this case, except for one major one: he was allowed to break down. Finn could cry, and refuse to talk, and have nightmares, and everyone accepted it as ok. We had to be gentle with him, and expect less from him, at least for now. It was fair, but it wasn't.
Even though I still hurt from where he had hit me before, I climbed into bed with Finn, rather then use the empty bed. He was breathing deeply and quietly, with no signs that he had been hysterical a half hour before. I rested my hand on his back, counting his breaths and willing him to wake up and tell me that my thoughts weren't as terrible and selfish and I knew they really were.
He didn't move, and I ended up rolling over and crying myself to sleep.
I was disturbed thate