A/N: I promise there are only a few heartbreaking chapters left before things will begin to turn around. The reviews have been really great and I can't begin to thank you all enough for them. Again thanks to A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. Please review and enjoy!

Part X

It seemed that anytime Anna spent awake, it was only long enough to cry herself back to sleep. She still hadn't eaten a single bite of food. The only time Anna had drank anything was when Mrs. Hughes had encouraged her too. John was beginning to worry. What if he couldn't get her to eat anything or get her out of bed? What if he couldn't get her back to some sense of normalcy before he had to go back to work? He had never experienced anything like this. Was this normal behavior? Of course he didn't blame her for mourning the loss of a child, but he was in over his head here. Helen tried to help where she could, but Anna was having none of it.

Helen made her way past Mrs. Hughes with a tray of soup and set it down over Anna's legs. "Anna dear, I made you some of your favorite soup and a fresh loaf of bread. Won't you eat some of it?" Helen asked.

Anna simply stared out the window that overlooked their small yard and wanted to burst into tears. How many times had she thought to herself how wonderful it was that they had a yard for their children to run through, whenever they had them? And when would that be now? There would be no tiny giggles to fill the nursery down the hallway or even fitful cries, which she would have welcomed with open arms. How could she return to Downton now? Little Sybil was in her nursery and soon Lady Mary would have her own bundle of joy on the way. She was a mother without a child and the pain was proving too much to bear. Anna remembered how it had felt holding Ethel's little baby, Charlie, all those years ago and thinking how delightful it was to have that weight on her chest, that warmth in her heart, and that baby scent that filled her brain. They had come so close to attaining all that they had hoped and dreamed of and now it was all gone.

John had a feeling that something was still amiss between Anna and her mother, but he decided to ignore it for his wife's sake. He and Helen would have to work together to bring Anna back from the depths of her despair. "Darling? Your mother wants you to eat something. Won't you try at least?" She didn't answer and he looked over at her mother standing there helplessly, probably feeling as useless as he did in that moment. He tried to shoot a sympathetic smile Helen's way. "It smells delicious and she worked on it for the last hour," John said as he scooped up a spoonful of soup from the bowl. He gently maneuvered it with one hand under the spoon so he wouldn't spill on the blankets and stopped short of Anna's mouth but she refused to open even for him. John finally gave up and put the spoon back in the bowl.

"It's alright sweetheart, we'll try again later," her mother encouraged.

"Mr. Bates, I'm afraid I need to head back to the house, but I'll try to stop by again tomorrow," Mrs. Hughes said as she rose from her seat. "Will you walk me to the door?" she asked.

John nodded automatically and rose from his chair, "I'll be right back my love." John leaned forward and placed a kiss on Anna's head as he smoothed her hair back.

Mrs. Hughes said 'goodbye' to Anna but she continued to stare out the window. Once they were downstairs and free from earshot she said, "Mr. Bates, Lord Grantham and her Ladyship send their deepest sympathies. Lord Grantham didn't want to disturb you and Anna, but he says if there is anything he can do to help with arrangements...well, don't hesitate to ask."

John hadn't even had time to consider the burial of their baby. He wasn't even sure he'd be able to get Anna to get out of bed let alone attend a funeral. "I won't," he responded.

She took some comfort, knowing that John would put Anna's needs ahead of his pride. Hopefully he would accept the help of his employer and friend. "His Lordship also said you could take the rest of the week off to tend to Anna. Thomas should be able to take over for you with little interruption to his Lordship's usual routine. And I'm sure Mrs. O'Brien wouldn't mind taking over Anna's tasks until she's ready to come back."

He was relieved that Mrs. Hughes had spared them the task of explaining the situation to their employer and coworkers. He was even more grateful that Thomas and O'Brien seemed to have some sort of compassion and understanding. "I know I'm probably speaking out of turn Mrs. Hughes, but I'm not sure Anna will be coming back," he said with his arms crossed over one another and his eyes trained on the stairs.

"It's only been a few days Mr. Bates. I know things seem bleak right now and of course you both have every right to grieve, but I think Anna would be better off returning to the Abbey when she is able," she said.

"Mrs. Hughes I can't even get my wife to eat, she's almost catatonic right now. How can we expect her to function as if everything were normal?" he asked.

"I don't know," she responded with tears in her eyes. "But the alternative wouldn't be any better. If you leave her at home alone it will only give her more time to focus on her loss," Mrs. Hughes pointed out. "I'm just saying...to think about it," Mrs. Hughes said as she let herself out, but not before stopping to give his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Be careful it's raining hard out there," John said as he watched her disappear into the dark.

John shut the door and felt the stress of the past twenty four hours catch up with him. The only thing that normally would have made him feel better was Anna, but for the first time she wasn't the one trying to cheer him up or make him feel better. He ran a hand through his hair and heard the soft sound of footsteps coming down the stairs and turned to see Helen balancing a tray in her hands. "Did she eat?" he asked.

Helen shook her head in response, "'Fraid not."

"It was worth a shot," he replied. "It's been a long day, I think I'm going to head up to bed. Did you need any help with anything down here?" he asked.

"No, I only have the dishes to take care of. You should go be with Anna," she encouraged him.

"Helen, I know Anna isn't really being receptive to you right now. But I appreciate everything you are doing," he said.

"She's my daughter," Helen said as she began soaking the dishes. "I may not agree with her marriage to you, but I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy," Helen replied.

"I quite agree. Well, good night then," John said as he made for the stairs.

John walked into their bedroom to find Anna with her back turned to the door. The lights were dim and it was dark outside, at first he thought she was asleep, but the irregular sound of her breathing prompted him to think otherwise. John took the same seat he had the night before and sat across from her and heard the rain outside begin to fall against the window pain. The moonlight coming through the window caused the patterns of the rainfall to reflect across Anna's face. It made her look like she was crying again, but he knew she wasn't. It was so quiet he could have heard a pin drop and he began to grow tired until her voice broke him from his thoughts.

"Do you know what I keep thinking?" she asked.

It had been so long since she had spoken that it almost sounded painful for her to do so. And there was something unfamiliar about her voice now, like all the light that once shone through her words had been extinguished. "What's that my love?" he asked.

Anna hesitated before she said another word, her eyes still staring blankly out the window. "I keep thinking this is a dream. No. Not a dream. A nightmare," she corrected herself. "I'm hoping that I'll wake up from this nightmare, that everything will be as it should. You are free, we are happy, and he'll be here," she said, only this time her eyes met John's. She could see the pain etched on his face, knowing that he felt the same way. They both had tears in their eyes now. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing, my darling," he quickly tried to assure her. He nearly fell out of his chair, scrambling to get closer to her. John sat down beside her on the bed and grabbed her hand. John was careful not to crush her legs or sit too abruptly so that she wouldn't be in any further pain.

"That's not true. I must have done something truly wrong to deserve this. All of it. It's not fair," she stammered.

"No, it's not," he said as a tear slid down the length of his nose. He wiped a tear from her cheeks and felt her face turn into his hand. It felt so good to have contact with her again, even if it was brief. John couldn't think of a more suited person to be a mother, but the fact that their baby wasn't here didn't make her any less of one. She had been a mother and they were happy, for a short time anyway. They would have a child eventually, he wouldn't deny her that opportunity; even if they had to adopt one. But, he knew it wouldn't make them yearn or mourn any less for this child.

Anna sniffled as she studied her husband's hands. She had dreamed of the day he would get to hold their baby and watch how he lit up at the sight of someone that was the perfect blend of him and her. A symbol of all they had endured and all that they still were, a sign that their love was still very much alive and standing strong. His large hands would make their baby seem all the more tiny and delicate, but she knew John would hold it with care. He would go to the ends of the earth to protect them both and would dote on their child like a most prized possession. It had been such a lovely image in her head, she imagined John holding their child's hand loosely without letting go as he taught him to walk and reading to them both as they were cuddled up in bed. He had already taken to doing that when she was pregnant. That word. Was. It was in the past. Suddenly she began crying again and pulled John in for a hug.

He gladly accepted the gesture, but was still careful not to put too much pressure on her. But it only made her pull him in tighter. "Anna, I don't want to hurt you," he said softly.

"I don't care. I don't care if it hurts. The pain reminds me that it happened. When that pain is gone it will be like he was never here. I don't want to forget him, John," she broke down.

When he had been released from prison he had vowed that he would do everything in his power to ensure Anna never had to shed another tear. She had done enough of that in the time she had known him. But this was beyond his control, his angelic wife was struggling to survive this loss that had left a hole in both their hearts and he feared he wouldn't be able to fix her again. If only there were some way to turn back time, some magical phrase he could say to make her feel even a little bit better. This was something that he could not fix and it wasn't something they would get over or even attempt to replace. It was something that only time could heal, but even then they would still be left with scars on their hearts. John ran his fingers through her hair and cradled the back of her head before settling down against her chest as they cried together. "You don't have to forget him, love. No one is expecting you too, least of all me. I miss him too."

"I know you do," Anna uttered as she ran her hands up and down her husband's back. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you a child," she apologized.

John lifted his head to face her. "Anna you have nothing to apologize for. If we had never had any children at all, I would have been happy with only you. Don't you see that? You alone were blessing enough to last me three lifetimes. Having a child only made the blessing greater. But I do not see it as fault on your part. You have to understand that love. Please tell me you do," he said sincerely.

Anna wanted so much to promise him that, but the truth was she didn't. "I can't."

John wrapped his hands around her tightly and leaned his head back against her chest as he listened to the sound of her heart beat. It had always managed to calm him in the past. "You're not to worry, darling. I'm not giving up on you. I'll tell you as many times as I have to until you believe it." He could sense Anna nodding her head in agreement and took some peace from that.

He sounded so sure that things would turn around for them. The weight of his body resting on hers brought her some comfort. Knowing that at least they still had each other. And hearing him speak so positively would have brought her to her knees had she been standing. Anna understood now more than ever how lucky she was to have a husband like him, she had chosen wisely when she had given him her heart. Her mind might be betraying her heart right now but she knew she had to give him something to cling to. "I love you, John," she said in a whisper.

The words sounded empty of emotion, but he recognized that she was trying to reach out and prove to him that she was still in this with him. He didn't know how they were going to survive this, but if anyone could it was his Anna. The darkness and silence surrounded them, making their outlook seem all the more daunting. John had nothing to do but hope, hope that somehow their love for one another would bring them through this like it always had. "I love you too," he whispered back before pressing a kiss to her chest.

He listened to the timing of her breaths and felt her fingertips lightly stroking through the fabric of his shirt as she caressed his back. It put his mind at ease, as much as it could be, but he was worried about what was running through her mind in these silent moments. John heard her take a deep breath, the shift in her chest causing his head to rise a little with her. "I want to name him, David," she said.

Her words took him off guard, he hadn't even considered a name for their baby. It had been too soon to discuss names when she was pregnant. But she had always said if they had a son she wanted to name their son after him. This was an unexpected change but he didn't mind. He thought one John Bates was enough to last a lifetime. John mulled over her words for a few seconds, "After your brother?"

"I hadn't even thought of that...I read somewhere that it means, 'beloved.' I think...I think it suits him," she said impassively.

John swallowed hard as he processed her statement. He wasn't sure if this meant she was beginning to move forward. But he wanted to be supportive regardless. "David…..I love it," he said wholeheartedly. John reached for an extra blanket and pulled it over the both of them to keep them warm. He snuggled his head against her as he held her and began to drift off. The sound of the falling rain outside eventually lulled them both to sleep.