A/N: The Next chapter will be the trial with Kurt on the stand. The one after will be Finn on the stand. Would you guys rather have it from Finn's POV, or Kurts?

There are Three Sides to Every Story. My Side, Your Side, and the Truth.

Author Unknown.

Kurt's staring at me. So's Mom. So's Burt. They're all staring at me, and they're all pretending that they aren't. I looked down at my plate and tried to concentrate on eating, just so I would have something to do besides feel their eyes on me. If I try and call them on it, they'll all pretend that they aren't, so I don't bother any more.

For people who wanted me to talk for so long, they aren't always very good at listening to me when I do.

While I was looking at my plate, I tried to figure out why there were staring today. I had been really good and normal, so I don't get what the problem is. I woke up at the same time Kurt did, even though I don't have to get up until 8. I like seeing him before he goes to school, and if I get up at the same time he does, he doesn't have to worry about waking me up with his shower or getting dressed.

At 8:30, Burt and I went to the garage together. I like Burt ok, I guess. If none of this shit had happened, I would probably like him a lot, maybe even love him by now. I know that it's not his fault that he's a dude, or that he kind of looks like Joseph. It's also not his fault that he's not my real Dad. I kind of blame him for all of those things, even though I wouldn't tell him that and I try to hide it.

But my body blames him a lot more then my brain does. Every time he reaches towards me, I jump. I didn't do that with Joseph, so I thought it was kind of weird until Samantha and I talked about it. What she said was that I never jumped around Joseph because I knew that it didn't matter. He would touch me or have sex with me whether I liked it or not, so it didn't pay to have any reaction. With Burt, I know that he wouldn't want to hurt me, so I jump because I know that he won't push me if he sees that I'm scared and uncomfortable.

Basically, what she means is I treat Burt worse then I treated Joseph, because I trust him more. Isn't that psychology shit weird?

Burt's really nice about it, and he always tries to treat me the same way he treats Kurt, but I still don't completely trust him. Sometimes he does really nice things for me, like telling me I can drive us to the garage, or letting me drink all the Coke I want even though we both know that Mom would be pissed if she found out. It's kind of fun, but whenever he does that, I always kind of wonder what he's going to want in return. Joseph used to let me drink beer if I would suck him off afterwards without crying.

At the garage, I did everything myself, without one mistake. Burt or Mike always check my work, but I haven't made a mistake in the past three days. Even if I suck at everything else, I can always become a mechanic.

After work I had tutoring, which I hate. School is boring to start with, and this lady makes it even worse. Blah, blah, blah, she just sits there and tells me the lesson. It's not fun at all. I do it, though, because I don't want to end up back in real school. Well, I do, but I'm not ready yet. It was hard enough to go to Glee the other day, and apparently I had some sort of freaky nightmare that night. I don't remember it, but Kurt was still scared in the morning. He tried to pretend he wasn't, but he's not as good of a liar as he thinks he is.

I usually wait to do my homework until Kurt comes home and can help me, so I helped Mom get things ready for dinner instead. Since Lily and I were home together all the time, she showed me how to make some really good stuff. How come no one ever told me that cooking is really easy once you figure out the basic stuff? All I have to do is remember who likes what and I'm good.

There was no Glee today, so Kurt came home early and we did our homework together while he caught me up on the latest gossip. Coach Sylvester again. I don't know why he gets surprised about that. She' a bitch. She's always been a bitch, and she's always going to be a bitch. Even I know that.

Really, that's pretty much how most of my days go. Some days I have therapy instead of tutoring, and I only go to the garage for a few hours on the days that I have Glee, but mostly it's the same stuff over and over.

But it had been a good day, which meant that there was no real reason for everyone to be staring at me right now. I hadn't acted crazy; I had done everything I should have today. I hadn't even done anything stupid like I usually do. It wasn't fair for them to pick on me like this.

"I'm not going to do a trick or anything. You can all quit staring." I was proud of the way I didn't yell or kick something.

They all blushed and looked down. See, that's how I know that I'm not being paranoid. If I was paranoid, they would have tried to deny it.

"Guess what we did in Glee yesterday!" Kurt was doing that thing where his voice got really loud and fast and his eyes got all bright looking. Samantha calls it appeasement, which means he's trying to fix the situation before it gets really ugly by trying to make us all happy again. "We're doing Brittany Spears. Of course, Brittany thinks that she's actually turning into Brittany Spears, but you know how she is."

That ended up leading to a whole new conversation, and everyone kind of forgot what I had said. That was ok with me, because I didn't really want to talk about it any more. I just wanted to let them know that they were staring, and that I didn't like it.

After dinner, Kurt and I stayed upstairs and watched a movie with our parents instead of going to our room. I think that it's partly because of what we did the other day. I don't know if he's worried because he didn't like it, or because he wants it again and doesn't know how to ask me. That's kind of stupid, since he could just use his mouth to tell me, but it's kind of not. I mean, I could have used my mouth to tell him a lot of things right after Joseph and Lily brought me back, but I didn't.

Want to know a secret? I could have. I told Kurt that I couldn't make myself talk, but that was a lie. I don't lie a lot, but I do it sometimes. I could have said anything I wanted, even when he first pulled up. I just didn't.

At first I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I guess I could have just said 'hi', but I didn't think of that right then. I was tired, and I was thirsty, and I was hot. I had no idea what to do, so I just let Kurt be in charge. He's good at telling everyone what to do.

Then Mom and Burt came, and I didn't talk to them, either. You know why? Because everyone was paying attention to me for once. Mom wasn't all obsessed with Burt; she was obsessed with me and making me happy. If I started talking, they would go back to ignoring me.

Then it all kind of got out of control. If I had just started talking right away, it would have been ok. But by the time a few days had passed, I didn't even know what to say any more. I didn't want to rat on Joseph and Lily, even though they had been mean to me, and I didn't want to talk about what they had done to me, and I sure as shit didn't want to talk about Puck. But if I didn't talk about any of those things, what was there left to talk about? No one would ask me directly, but it was all that everyone wanted to know.

So I just sat there and prayed that it would all go away. Even though Quinn always thought that God was pissed at her for one reason or another, Mom says that he's nice and forgiving. So I thought that maybe I could offer him a trade. I knew that I couldn't ask him to bring Puck back, but I promised him that I would be a perfect kid from now on if he would just make both of the Wrights disappear. I wouldn't tell anyone their names. I wouldn't fight with Burt and I would let Kurt flirt with me all he wanted. It wasn't like I really cared what he did to my body any more. I would help Mom around the house, and I wouldn't ever make any extra work for any of them.

I kept my side of the bargain, but God didn't keep his. I guess that he's a pissed off God after all.

When the police officer came and told us that he had caught Joseph, I knew that it was over. Even if I said nothing, he could say whatever he wanted, and I knew that he wanted to make me look like the bad guy.

So I talked to Kurt. I didn't think I was going to tell him everything, but once I started, I kind of had to. Some of the stuff, like the kidnapping, and being locked in the closet, and how I was sure that he was going to kill me, I was already planning to tell him. Those were the most important things. I didn't want to have to tell him about the rape and some of the other stuff that Joseph did, but he kind of talked me into it. Plus, I think he already kind of knew. Probably everyone already kind of knew but was too nice to say anything.

Once I started telling him stuff, though, I just kept going. I even told him the stuff that I had sworn I would take to my grave, like the fact that Joseph was able to get me off, even when he was raping me.

I hate that word, by the way. Rape. It sounds like what it is, and what it is is….I can't even describe it. Joseph took my body, which was mine only, and made it his. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and I just had to go along with it. I actually think it would have been better if he had hurt me and made me bleed when he fucked me or made me choke and gag and throw up when he had me blow him. The way he did it, he tricked my body into thinking it was good and fun, even though my brain knew that it wasn't.

That was the night that I fell in love with Kurt a little bit. Not much, and probably not even real love, but it was something. I already knew that I loved him like a brother, like I had loved Puck, but this was different. It wasn't like how I felt for Rachel or Quinn either, though, so I was kind of confused.

Luckily, Kurt didn't try and push me, which meant I could take my time to figure out exactly what that feeling was. It also gave the feeling a little time to grow. I wasn't into dudes, so I didn't really think that it could be love. I just knew that I wanted to be around him more, and do things to make him extra happy, and that I was suddenly jealous when Mercedes came over, or when Kurt talked about guys he saw on TV. But it's kind of normal for the little brother to be jealous of the big brother, right? Technically Kurt's the big brother even though he's only two months older and, like, way smaller then me.

Then I had some dreams. They still weren't exactly sex dreams. It wasn't like with Quinn or Rachel, where I would dream that they were going down on me, or that they would suddenly pull their skirts up during class and wouldn't be wearing panties. You know, normal stuff.

I didn't have those dreams about Kurt. Like, I had one where he was sitting on the bed wearing one of my button ups. It was too big on him and the top buttons were undone, so it kind of slipped down his one shoulder. I couldn't see much, really not even a nipple, but it was really really hot. Or there was one where the two of us were cuddling on his bed at night, just like always, but he kissed me instead of just snuggling.

Like I said, they weren't sex dreams, but I still woke up really hard and needing a little relief. Which was actually a good thing, because I because I was kind of having some trouble with that since I got home. Little Finn had no problem jumping to attention about a million times a day, but the minute I tried to do anything about it, all I could think about was Joseph touching me in the same way and the little soldier just gave up the fight. So even if it was Kurt that was getting me hard instead of some chick, at least my dick wasn't broken any more.

It was sending me a message that I was too stupid to pick up on at first, though. I just figured, hey, if I'm going to get off in the end, I'll go along with whatever pictures my brain wants to send to help out. And it wasn't even like he was actually getting naked in those pictures anyway. See, sometimes a naked person is art, and sometimes its porn. Kurt's body was art, because it wasn't supposed to be nasty and it was still kind of covered up.

Right up until it wasn't. One night I had a dream that Kurt turned from the Virgin Mary to the biggest porn slut who ever lived. That was the night I figured out that my dick was definitely fixed. But with Kurt?

I knew that it wasn't wrong to want to be with Kurt, and I knew that being with him would be different the being with Joseph. At least I thought it would. But Kurt had been pushy even after I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested in him. Maybe he would have done the same thing that Joseph did. Sure, he couldn't have kidnapped me, but it's a short walk between our beds. He could do something to me faster then I could push him away.

So I decided to give him a test. It was mean, but I had to know for sure. I waited until late at night, and sprung the trap by kissing him. We were outside, and Mom and Burt were both asleep, so there was no one to hear me calling for help. Kurt's really smart, so he had to know that. If there was no one to stop him, would he stop himself?

He did, and that made me love him a little more again. Still not in love in love, but closer. It's kind of easy to love someone, though, when they're the only person you ever get to see. I mean, look at that creepy "Flowers in the Attic" book. Even the brother and sister did it.

When Rachel finally came back, I though that all of my old feelings would come back with her, and I wouldn't have weird incest-y feelings for Kurt. The four of us would be a real family and I would get back with her and I would quit having those creepy dreams where I sucked Kurt off during Glee practice. My imagination is really good at thinking about what Kurt's dick looks like.

By the way? The only thing that happened when Rachel came over was that I found out that I really didn't have those feelings for her any more. I should have guessed that one. I mean, everything else that's happened this year has been a big suck fest, so why should this be any different? No, wait, she did bring cookies, so I guess it wasn't a total suck fest. Just most of one.

So I was right back where I started, except more confused. It was even worse because there was no one to ask for help. Usually I would have asked Kurt, or Mom, or even Puck, but I couldn't do that now. Well, I could find that old Ouija board and try Puck, I guess, but I already know that he would laugh and say 'Quit acting like a pussy, Finnessa', which doesn't exactly help. Is it being a pussy to chase after Kurt or being a pussy not to?

"Finn? Are you ready for homework?" Kurt lightly rubbed the side of my neck.

I hadn't even realized the movie was over, so this probably wasn't the first time that he had tried to get my attention. That's another thing, by the way. Every time I don't pay attention to them right away, or I get distracted, they start worrying that I'm going nuts again. Jeez, guys, sometimes I just don't hear you the first time.

"Sure." I still don't like doing homework, but at least I get to be alone with Kurt and I don't have to watch Mom and Burt make goo-goo eyes at each other.

I'm almost all the way though algebra, which is kind of neat. If I go back to school in January, I might actually be ahead for once. Kurt's taking something that doesn't even look like math any more, since it has so many letters in it, but at least he helps me out.

Tonight, though, he didn't really want to do homework. He wanted to snuggle in his cool hanging chair/egg thing. I like the snuggling, but when Kurt wants to snuggle, it usually means that he wants to talk about shit at the same time.

Sure enough, we were barely both comfortable before he started. "Can we talk about what happened?"

Here we go. Kurt worries to death about everything. We had done it, he got off, I liked seeing him get off. What else was there to talk about? I wanted to pretend that I didn't know what he was talking about, but Kurt hates it when I act stupid. "Ok. What about it?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok with it." He seemed confused, like maybe that wasn't really what he wanted to ask.

"Yep. I was fine with it. You don't have to ask about every little thing, you know." It kind of hurt my feelings when he acted like I was too stupid to know my own feelings. Then I would remember that sometimes I really didn't, and I would feel worse.

Sometimes I think that Puck wasn't too far off when he called me Finnessa. I do get my feelings hurt pretty easy.

He reached around to rub my neck, which always helps. You know how when you go to the doctor and he hits your knee with his hammer thing, your leg automatically kicks? It's a reflex. When Kurt touches my neck, I automatically drop my head so he can rub better. "I know that I don't. But I worry about you, Finn. I love you; I always want you to be happy and comfortable."

It's kind of hard to stay mad when he says it like that. "I know."

There's something else that I know. I know that he really wants me to tell him that I love him back. But I don't, and I don't want to lie about it. I like him a lot, and I do have feeling for him that are more then I would have for a brother, but I don't think its love yet.

"So what did you think about Sam? We didn't really get a chance to talk about it yesterday."

I hated him. Hated him, hated him, hated him. Everyone liked him, he was a good singer, and he was going to be the quarterback instead of me. Everything he had should have been mine. Fucking Sam Evans was living the life I would have had if Puck was still alive.

"He seems cool." I turned my head so he could rub the other side.

I can't say the truth to Kurt, though, and I especially can't say it to Sam. I know that I have a temper and that I sometimes say things that are mean and hurtful, but I'm trying to be more mature and stop doing that. It's not Sam's fault that any of this happened, and if it hadn't, we would probably be friends. So there's no reason for me to be a dickhead.

"Are you sure? Because you seemed a little funny on the phone." He moved to stroking the side of my hair, and I relaxed. Why couldn't he do this all the time?

"I'm sure." I knew that he wasn't going to just let this go, so I tried to think of something to say that was the truth, but not the real truth that made me look like a douchebag. "I just really miss Puck, that's all. I keep wishing that Sam was him, but he isn't."

Of course he isn't Puck. He's too busy being you.

"I'm sorry, Cowboy. I wish I could say the right thing and make this better for you."

There wasn't a right thing to say, but we all knew that by now. But he was trying really hard, and probably doing better then I would have done if our positions were reversed. "It's ok. Like I said, Sam's cool and it'll get better once we all get to know each other. I mean, you and I didn't get along at first at all, and now look at us."

He laughed a little. "Yeah, I'm still not sure how that happened."

Me either. No matter how many times I go back and think about everything that happened, I still don't understand how I went from being the Glee stud with both Quinn and Rachel, to just having Kurt. The weirdest part was, I was ok with it. "It's kind of cool that it did, though, right?"

That's something else that keeps me from really loving Kurt. I know that he loved me a lot before all of this shit happened. But I'm not the same person I was then, and I can't tell if he likes the new me as much as he liked the old one. I know I wouldn't, and I'm not going to be with someone who wants me to be someone else. Even if that someone else was the dude that I used to be.

"Of course it's cool that it worked out like that." He acted like he was surprised that I had even asked. "Why, are you not happy?"

"I'm happy." It wasn't really a lie. I have lots of things in my life to be happy about. I'm doing ok in school. I have Glee. I have a job, and since I never go anywhere, I actually have a lot of money saved up. I really want to get a present for Kurt with it, for putting up with me like he does, but I'm not sure what to get him. I still have friends, even if I don't have Puck. I have Kurt, even if I'm not 100% sure what to do with him.

Don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of suck happening, and there's going to be more suck at the trial, but I can do it. After all, I've survived this far, haven't I?

I put both legs out and pushed so we could swing a little. When Kurt's at school and I'm here, I like to wind the chair up and spin, but when he's home, he always bitches and says that it will end up getting ripped out of the ceiling. Sometimes I worry about that happening, but I mostly think that Kurt's being a drama queen.

He didn't look very convinced, so I had to repeat myself. "I promise, Kurt, I'm happy."

"I'm scared for the trial." He said it softly, like he hadn't meant to.

I know that he did mean to say it, though. I know that Kurt's a lot smarter then I am, but I'm not as easy to trick as I used to be. But he's not really trying to trick me either. See, it's a therapist thing. Kurt thinks that I'm scared about the trial, but that I don't want to tell him that. So if he tells me that he's scared, then he thinks that I won't be embarrassed to say that I'm scared. He's trying to let me save face.

Yeah, but that's not really something I worry about any more. Everyone in the world would be scared for a trial like this, even, like Batman or the Wolverine. Being afraid because someone raped me, or because I saw Puck die doesn't make me a pussy. It means I'm normal. Samantha and I've talked about this like a million times

But I don't tell Kurt that. First of all I don't like telling him the things that I talk about with Samantha. The sort of things a dude says to his shrink should just be sacred. I don't even tell Mom, and I tell her almost everything.

Almost. When I was a little kid, she had to work a lot of night shifts. She left me with a pretty cool babysitter, but Tricia wasn't Mom. She didn't do bedtime the same, and shit didn't give the right hugs and kisses. If I threw a fit, though, Mom would cry, and then I would cry, and it was just terrible. So I would hug her goodbye and start crying after she was gone.

I think Tricia tattled on me, because Mom started doing special stuff with me on the nights that she was home. Every single night, we had Oreos with milk, brush teeth, put on pajamas, and then she would read a chapter of a book to me. Cool books, like the Hobbit, and The Chronicles of Narnia. Just one, no matter how much I begged, except for on my birthday. Then I got two.

But the best part was after the reading, because she would snuggle with me and we would talk about our days. That was when I was still little enough that I told her everything.

Since Joseph and Lily brought me back we've started doing that again. At first it was because I made her. I wanted things to be like they were when I was little and there was no Joseph and Lily, and school and Glee club and Burt and Kurt. It was just me and her. There's some big stupid therapist explanation for that, too, but I don't pay that much attention. I wanted it because I wanted it, so why did that matter? It wasn't like it hurt anyone, and it meant I had Mom and Burt didn't, so I won twice.

She says I can tell her anything about what happened in New Mexico and she won't tell anyone else, even the police, and even Burt. It would be just between me and her.

I had to say something, so I told Mom about them taking me, and about Puck dying, and even a little about what Joseph did to me. Not much, because she's still my Mom and it's gross, but a little.

I had to be careful though, because there are things I don't want to tell her. I know that some of it's going to come out anyway, but I don't even like Mom knowing that I have a working dick; much less that Joseph got me off when he did what he did. You just don't want your Mom to know some things, you know?

It's kind of tricky, though, because then I have to remember both what I didn't tell her and what I did, because it's different with different people. I told Kurt some stuff that I didn't tell Mom, and Mom some stuff that I didn't tell Kurt. I even told Tina something that I didn't tell either one of them, because I know she won't tell on me. The only person I tell everything to is Samantha.

Even though I do think about it a lot, I still mess up sometimes. Like yesterday with Junior. I forgot that I told Kurt that Joseph had sexually abused me, but never physically. That wasn't exactly, true. Usually he left me alone, but if I talked back to him or wouldn't let him do things to me, he would sometimes choke me just like I did to Junior. It hurts, and it's fucking terrifying, but it doesn't leave even a small mark. I don't know if Lily knows that he was doing it to me, or if she would have cared if she did, but we didn't talk about it. It was just like when he raped me, or when he made her do it. It happened, and all three of us move on.

That's the other lie. I know that I told Kurt that Lily only touched me when Joseph made her, but it wasn't always that way. At first it was, but sometimes she would come in and visit with me when he was at work. And by visit, I meant she would have sex with me. Then she would tell me not to tell Joseph. I'm never telling anyone that part, though, not even Kurt. I don't know why I want to protect her and not him, since they're both guilty, but just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.

It's weird, but sometimes I like going to the garage with Burt, just because I don't have to watch everything I say, and try and remember what I've told him and what I hadn't. With Burt, it's easy because I don't tell him anything. Everything he knows about the case is what the police told him, or what I told Mom and Kurt it was ok to share. Nothing else. It's easier to be around him just because of that.

Sometimes I think the reason that I sleep so much is that my brain just gets full with remembering and wants to shut off.

Kurt was still watching me, and I knew that he was waiting for answer. Since I'm a nice guy, I gave him what he wanted. "I'm kind of scared, too. But I'm trying not to worry about it. It's one of those ready or not things, so I'm not going to get myself all freaked out about it."

That wasn't quite true, either. I am scared, but I'm worried, too. No one's actually said that this whole trial depends on me, but I know that it does. The only ones who know for sure what happened are me and them, and I know that they're going to lie about it. So the only one who knows and can tell the truth is me.

You know, a year ago I thought that pressure was what you felt before the big game. Wrong. Then I thought that it was what happened when we were a day from a major Glee performance, and Rachel decided to change the songs on us. She would get that chick batty look, and it would always make me want to hide somewhere until she was done. That was closer to pressure, but I was still stupid to think that was it.

Turns out that pressure is having to get up in a courtroom in front of a bunch of people, and having to tell them everything that happened in New Mexico. I don't have to say anything extra, but if the lawyers ask it, I have to answer it honestly. No fudging or lying because the answer is embarrassing.

By the way, did I mention that the news crews are going to be there? Apparently this is a big deal case, even outside of Lima. I don't know if it's because he might get the death penalty, or because it's a weird case, or because I was in Newsweek and they want to get an update, but there's going to be a lot of people there. There's going to be vans from all over the state. Because, you know, I'm really looking forward to having everyone in America know everything that they did to me. It's not like I still have a long life to live or anything.

But anyway, once my part is over, I don't have to go to the courtroom any more. I can if I want to, but I'm not sure yet. Mom and Burt weren't going to let me go, but Samantha told them that it was ok and it would be worse for me not to be able to go when I want to. She's got my back like that.

Kurt slid off of my lap and held out his hand. "Can we lie on the bed instead? I'm getting a neck cramp looking at you."

A part of me is kind of hoping that he wants to go over there so I can touch him again, but probably not. I'm not having a very lucky time lately. Sure enough, he still wanted to talk. "Are you going to go every day, or just the ones that you'll be testifying?"

Kurt might be some sort of Jedi or one of the X-men or something. How did he know that I was just thinking about that? "I don't know. I'm still trying to decide."

He doesn't want me to go, I can tell. I love Kurt, but he just doesn't understand how I feel about Joseph and Lily. He tries, but he hates them too much to really listen to what I say about them. I know that he gets like that because he loves me so much and he can't stand to think that anyone treated me bad.

It's not worth it to have the same fight over and over with him, so we just don't talk about it any more. I've tried to tell him about the nice things that they did for me sometimes, but he doesn't really want to hear it.

I know that it's hard to believe, but they did do a lot of things that were pretty cool. Lily's the one who showed me how to cook. Some of the stuff is plain and some is fancy, but I can make a whole dinner by myself now. She never got mad when I messed things up or couldn't read the recipe. She also didn't try and feel me up or anything, which was what Joseph always did when we were alone together. Don't get me wrong, she still did stuff, but at least she gave me a warning beforehand and didn't just grab my junk. A guy can only stand having his ass patted so many times, especially when he doesn't really want it to be patted once. I wouldn't say no if Kurt wanted to do it, but he hasn't asked.

But Joseph could be nice sometimes, too. Usually he was only nice when I was doing something to make him happy, but I still think it should count. Because, you know, he didn't have to do anything nice. It wasn't like I could just get up and leave if I didn't like the way he was treating me. I was stuck. So I really did like it when he showed me how to do some plumbing or electrical work around the house. I was still hoping that I could go home one day, and I didn't know if Burt and Kurt would still be around. So it was good to think that I might be the man of the house again, and that I could take care of Mom if I needed to.

When I first got home, I was pretty disappointed to see them both still there, but now I'm glad. Not just because of me being hot for Kurt all of the sudden, but because it was better for all four of us. Even though she won't come out and say it, Mom gets lonely sometimes, and I know that Burt will treat her ok. When I'm being really honest, I know that he'll treat her more then ok. Kurt needs to have a Mom around to help take care of him and give him hugs and stuff. Burt's ok, but he's not a Mom and he doesn't really do the whole touching thing that much. Kurt likes to pretend that he doesn't like being touched, but, deep down, he does. He never tenses up or tries to get away from Mom if she offers him a hug.

And, yeah, I guess it's good for me, too. I don't mind Burt as much as I used to. I don't always like him, and I especially don't like him when he tells me what to do, but he's alright. It's probably not a bad thing to have him around so he can set a good example about how not all men are perverts.

We're kind of a messed up family, but we're a good one, too. Better then we were when it was just a quarterback, and a nurse, and a mechanic, and Kurt. I have to put his name, because he's too awesome for just one word to describe him.

It's called a gestalt, by the way. It means that when you put us all together, we're much more then when we're all there, but apart. So the Hudson-Hummel family is a much better thing then Finn plus Carole plus Burt plus Kurt.

Josephs the one who told me the word, but I've known about gestalts forever. They totally talked about them in the Care Bears Movie that I used to watch when I was little. They were stronger when they were all together.

"If you want to go to the trial, you should." He fixed my hair, spiking it up and then smoothing it down. When he does that, it makes me want to promise that I'll do anything for him, just so he won't stop. "Finn, don't fall asleep on me."

"I'm not." I tried to think instead of melting into a puddle of goo. "I'm trying to think, that's all."

Suddenly I got really cold, all the way down to my bones. I wrapped one arm around Kurt and pulled his body up against mine, like that would fix it. Like anything was going to fix any of this.

Here's another secret, one that I haven't told anyone. I would have killed myself if I could have figured out how. There was no fucking way that I was going to spend a year or two years or five years as Joseph and Lily's sex slave. Then, when it was over, he would kill me.

I think that he knew it, too. I knew that he had a gun, because he killed Puck with it, but I don't know where he hid it. He had a lock on the all of the sharp knives, and he never let me have a belt or rope or anything that I could hang myself with. I probably wouldn't have done that anyway, because it sounds like it would hurt and that scared me as much as Joseph did.

It's a good thing that I couldn't do it now, since he didn't end up killing me after all, but if I could have found that gun, I would have used it. I've never shot one before, but how hard can it but? Take off the safety, put it up against the soft part of your temple and pull the trigger. As long as I didn't wimp out on the trigger pulling, it shouldn't have hurt at all.

Thinking about committing suicide made me get even more cold chills and a little sick to my stomach. "Can we not talk about this any more, please? Can't we just be quiet for a while?"

"We weren't even talking about-ok. We'll be quiet." He went back to messing with my hair.

I hate to be a jerk, but I knew that he would be quiet if I asked nicely and looked pitiful. He's more likely to call me on my bullshit then Mom or Burt, but he's trying to be super nice right now so I don't flip out right before the trial.

"If Joseph gets off, will you still believe me?" I didn't mean to say it, but I still did.

"Of course I will. I know that you're telling the truth about what happened. All you need to worry about is telling the truth."

"What if you heard something that made me look really bad? Would you still love me?" It was like having the fucking hiccups. I kept trying to stop myself from talking, but the words just kept spitting out.

"There is nothing that you could say that would make me not love you, alright?" He kissed my neck, and that made some of the coldness go away. "Do you want to tell me now, so you won't have to worry about it until you go on?"

I shook my head. No, I don't want to tell him. The thing is, there's more then one thing that he could find out that would make me look bad. I don't know what to tell him or how. Plus, there's always a chance that no one asks the questions and I get off the hook. I'm going to tell Kurt everything eventually, but I don't want to have to do it yet. When it's right, I'll be ok. Hopefully. No definitely. I had to keep thinking happy thoughts about this one.

If you do, you may learn to fly Peter Pan.

Sometimes I think that that voice in my head proves I really am crazy, and sometimes I think that it means I'm ok. If I'm worried about the voice, then I must be ok. Because if I wasn't ok, then I would think that the voice was normal. It's a 22-catcher, but one that works in my favor right now.

"I know you can do it, Finn. I've never doubted you for a minute." He kissed the back of my neck and rubbed my hip.

It's not that I think he's lying, because I don't. Kurt's just kind of weird sometimes. Right now he's really optimistic and acts like nothing in the world can go wrong. Then he can get really down like nothing will ever go right again.

I think that Kurt would be really mad if I said this out loud, but it's probably a good thing that he sees a therapist, too. I would listen to him, but I'm not an expert on shit like this. That and I know that he won't be honest with me. Kurt feels like he has to protect me from things, even though that's not true. Well, not any more. When I first got back, I needed him to do that, but now I don't. Now I want us to be equal. "I'm glad that you love me."

That wasn't exactly what he had said, but it was close enough. Part of loving someone is believing in them, and I knew that Kurt did. "And I know that I can do this."

I wasn't lying either. It wasn't just that I could do this, but that I had to. For Puck, and for the other people that were dead now because of the Wrights.

That's another thing I've never told Kurt. I know some of the names of the other people that they killed. Danny, Lucas, Simone, Jessie, Jacob, Ellie. No one told me those names, but I found some stuff with their names on it. Yeah, they could be friends or family members, but I know that they aren't. I told the police, and they said they'd follow up, but I don't know where it's going from there. I kind of don't want to know, honestly. I got really lucky to get out, and it hurts to think that someone else didn't.

Kurt scratched my shoulder, exactly how I like it. "What do you say that we skip homework tonight and just snuggle?"

He's a freak about homework, so I know that he's only saying that to make me feel better. But I'm willing to take it. I was already sleepy, and he was making it even worse. "Kay."

Right when I was almost asleep, he whispered in my ear. "I love you, Finn."

It was almost like a bolt of lightening shot over my head, because, after all this time, that was the minute I was 100% sure I loved him back. Holy shit, what did I do now?