A/N: I'm back from vacation and trying to get caught up on writing projects again. Thanks so much for all the reviews I received while I was out. I hope you all enjoy where this fic is taking you so far. Thanks again to A-Lady-to-Me and Terriejane for helping me out with this fic. Again reviews are greatly appreciate, please enjoy!

Part XIII

After John's break down in the yard, things between the couple began to change. Most of them were minor changes, but they were all for the better. At least now they were beginning to move forward together. Anna made a conscious effort to join John and her mother for dinner that night. She barely ate a thing, but it was more than she'd eaten in all the previous days put together. She even managed some small talk with Helen as they washed the dishes together after dinner.

Anna and John held each other tighter than they ever had that night as they laid in bed. John didn't whisper promises of better days as he usually did and the silence scared them both. Instead he kissed her and told her that he'd love her no matter what. "However, whatever, whenever. Remember?" he whispered in the dark. John shifted so that his front was to her back as his arms shielded her from the world. His warm, wet lips pressed a kiss to her temple as his hand gently squeezed hers.

"I do," she replied back in a voice veiled in tears.

They were quiet a little longer, but they could both tell that the other was still wide awake. John finally spoke up, "You don't have to go back if you don't want to."

"What?" she asked in a voice louder than he had become accustomed to in the past few days.

"To work that is," he said seriously. "I just meant that, if you aren't ready to yet or if you don't want to go back at all it's fine. I can take care of you. Of us. We can manage."

Anna didn't say anything, his words reminded her off happier times. Times she wanted back but couldn't seem to see past in this fog she was living in.

"I just want you to know that if you want to try again... When the doctor arts you're well enough...we can. Or if you decide you don't want to that's fine too. Whatever you want. We can try adoption," he offered. She didn't respond to his words. John felt like he had said something wrong and nervously began to back track. "It wouldn't be to replace David of course. I would never dream of doing such a thing."

She let his words wash over her and simply burrowed herself deeper within his hold. John would be heading back to work the next day and Helen would be leaving the day after that. She contemplated if she could handle being left in the cottage by herself. Would it be any easier to watch as her ladyship ascended into the world of motherhood, while she was left to watch from the sidelines? She would have to make a choice soon. Lady Mary would not wait on her forever, no matter how deep the bonds of their friendship ran.

The next morning she woke up to the realization that John had already risen and gone to work. Her hand had fallen to the empty side of the bed that was left cold in his absence. Sometimes she would still wake up in a panic as memories of those long, lonely nights while he had been wrongly imprisoned haunted her. Anna had to remind herself that he was just performing his duties and was probably just now getting Lord Grantham ready for the day. She could still make out the imprint of his body on the side of the mattress and rolled over to grab his pillow and bring it closer to her. The scent of his body and hair lingered there and filled her senses, bringing her comfort in a way she hadn't expected. Anna was sure she remembered waking up momentarily to him stumbling around in the dark looking for his clothes as he prepared to head to the abbey. She could even recall the way he kissed her on the forehead as he left and whispered in her ear that he loved her. The memory momentarily brought a smile to her face. But it quickly vanished when Anna thought back to the way John had kissed her stomach each morning before they lost the baby. She quickly wiped the tears away that began to spill down her cheeks and urged herself to get out of bed.

When Anna descended the stairs Helen tried not to look too eager or press her daughter to do more than she was ready to do. "Good morning sweetheart," she greeted Anna with a genuine smile.

Anna rubbed at her eyes and squinted heard at the light that flooded their sitting room and kitchen from the outside. John had been kind enough to keep the curtains upstairs closed while she had prefered to be a hermit. "Good morning," Anna replied back in the kindest tone she could muster. It wasn't so much that she was even mad at Helen, she just didn't feel like hearing a speech from anyone on how she should be trying to put it in the past, least of all from her mother.

Helen gestured for Anna to have a seat at the table. Her mother already had a pot of tea brewing and began pulling out the skillet to get breakfast started. Anna doubted she'd be able to put much away, but it did smell delicious. Helen hummed a little too cheerfully in the background but soothed Anna's ruffled feathers when she placed a kiss on her daughter's forehead before setting down a plate of bacon, toast, and eggs before her.

"Oh, mother this is too much," Anna said feeling guilty that Helen had slaved away on something she'd barely be able to scratch the surface of.

"You just eat what you can. I know it's your favorite," her mother insisted. "We have to get your strength back to what it was."

Anna looked down at the yellow yolk at the center of her fried eggs and felt her stomach began to churn when the yolk broke free and oozed across the plate. Helen bustled about in the background, cleaning whatever surface she could, even though Anna was sure her mother had already cleaned that spot three times over. It was the nature of Smith women to clean or keep oneself occupied during times of stress or sadness. She found she was able to eat the eggs if she scooped them onto a piece of toast and forced herself to swallow hard as her body became reaccustomed to eating solid food once more.

"How's the tea? Is it too hot?" Helen asked eagerly.

Anna knew her mother was desperate to get some form of communication out of her, no matter what the conversation was about. She took pity on the older woman who stared at her like she was a foreigner. Anna hadn't seen herself in the mirror in days, but she was sure it was a far cry from the way she normally looked. "It's fine," Anna managed to report, "...everything is just fine." Yet, even as she uttered those words she knew her heart betrayed her brain. Everything was not fine. Her lip quivered as she stared back at the half eaten plate of food. Her brows furrowed together, as if that would somehow stop the tears from reappearing. "Excuse me," Anna said as she dabbed at her mouth and began to rise from the chair. Just then she felt a warm hand land upon her shoulder and lightly push her back down into her seat.

Helen was now standing above her and facing down at her with sympathy in her eyes. "Anna, I know everything is not fine. It probably won't be for some time. Not for John and especially not for you," Helen said.

"I don't want to forget him. But I wish it would all just go away," Anna tried to explain.

"I know my love," Helen said. Helen hated watching her baby's heart break. Even more so, she hated the reason for why it was breaking. She had not even had a moment to process the joy at the prospect of being a grandmother before she was mourning the loss of her grandson. Helen wanted so badly to make it better or find the words to say to give Anna some relief, but there was no way to mend a broken heart.

"It hurts, Mama," Anna cried out as she threw her arms around Helen's waist. Anna hadn't called her that since she was a little girl. "My heart hurts. Every second that we are living, is one more second that we're moving further away from him."

Anna's tears had stained her apron, but Helen paid it no mind as she stroked her daughter's hair. "You'll get through it my darling. One day at a time," Helen said as she ran her hand along Anna's cheek and wiped the tears away for her. "I'm here for you. We all are."

Anna only cried harder, her body shaking with every sob. "It's not fair, Mama. It's not fair," Anna cried like she had as a child. Most of the words she spoke were lost in her cries, but Helen didn't need to hear her words to get the message.

"Oh my darling, I wish I didn't have to leave you like this tomorrow. I'll worry about you even more when I can't see you everyday," Helen admitted aloud. She took a seat in the chair across from Anna and dried her daughter's eyes with a wash cloth. "Anna, I wont force you to go, but I do hope you know there will always be a place for you back at home. For the both of you," Helen suggested. "I know it's hard to get time away from the Abbey, but I would love to see you more."

Anna's cries began to subside. For the first time in days, Anna's eyes looked suddenly hopeful. It gave her some relief that her mother seemed to have finally come around to the idea of John being her husband. It just tore her to pieces that it had to be under such tragic circumstances.

"I know your brother would love to see you more as well," Helen said in an attempt to cheer her up.

"Thank you mother, but...I can't leave them. Not now anyway," Anna said.

"Who? The Crawleys?" her mother asked.

"No, John and David. I couldn't bear to leave them both behind. John needs me. We need each other and it wouldn't seem right to leave so soon after burying him," Anna tried to explain.

Her mother was all too familiar with the heartache her daughter was experiencing. She nodded her head in agreement and as much as it pained her for Anna to decline her invitation, Helen understood that Anna had to grieve in her own way. She had to heal in her own time. She would reach out when she was ready to.

"I think I just need to get out of this house...get back to work. I need to keep my mind busy," Anna said.

"If that's what you want, then I'll support you," Helen said. "And if you change your mind then I'll support you in that. I just want you to be happy."

"I don't think I'll be happy for some time, but thank you, Mum," Anna said.

Helen embraced Anna, hoping that she could transfer some of her strength over to her daughter. She only hoped that John could be all that Anna needed him to be as they made their way past this difficult time.

Mrs. Hughes had seen the valet a few times that morning, but she hadn't dared to bring up the current situation with him in front of the rest of the staff even though she was dying to know how Anna was doing. Some of the other staff had offered their sympathies or had asked that John pass on a kind word or two to Anna. Thomas had been so kind as to avoid any unwarranted comments and had even managed a sympathetic smile that he threw in John's direction. Yet the moment John had looked at the empty seat next to him that Anna normally filled he felt a lump form in his stomach and pushed his bowl of porridge away in favor of spending time in the boot room.

"Mr. Bates, there you are," Elsie said.

"Where else would I be?" John asked in a morose tone.

"I just thought you might be upstairs with his Lordship or perhaps spending the day outside since the weather has finally cleared up," she said with a half smile.

"Has it? I hadn't noticed," John replied only more engrossed than usual in the brushing of Lord Grantham's boots.

"Would you mind stepping into my office?" she asked kindly.

John couldn't explain why but he was irritable today and the request had reminded him of the way his mother used to call on him when he was in trouble. He set the boots and the brush down and grabbed his cane to walk the short distance down the hall to Mrs. Hughes office. He took up a seat in the chair across from her desk as he awaited the awkward conversation that was sure to follow..

Mrs. Hughes gently shut the door behind her to afford them some privacy, but she didn't want to speak first. She knew the first day back would be difficult for the both of them.

She didn't even have to say anything, the look in her eyes said it all. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Hughes. I just can't stop worrying about Anna. I know I shouldn't be since her mother is with her, but it just doesn't seem right me being here while she's at home," he replied apologetically.

"It's quite alright Mr. Bates. I understand. How does Anna feel about returning after she takes her mother to the station tomorrow?" she asked. Mrs. Hughes hoped she wasn't prying too much, but she also knew John was aware it came from a place of love.

John stopped picking at the imaginary pieces of lint on his jacket before addressing the housekeeper head on. "I really don't know. I think she's pushing herself to come back because she believes it's the right thing to do. Because it is what everyone is telling her to do. I initially thought the same, but now I'm not so sure. I guess we'll have to see how she fares when she returns."

"Well, we know Anna is made of tougher stuff. The last thing she'll want is for all of us to treat her as if she's broken and wrap her in cotton," Mrs. Hughes commented knowing the Lady's maid all too well. She had always held a soft spot for Anna since she'd first arrived at Downton, no more than fifteen years old.

"That's the problem though. Anna has always been one to minimize things. I'm concerned that even if it proves too much for her, she won't tell me so, or anyone else for that matter," he confessed.

The housekeeper let out a heavy sigh before speaking, "I realize I don't have any experience in the ways of marriage, so perhaps my advice will fall on deaf ears. But I think that you and Anna know how to read one another better than anyone else. You have to trust that she will open up to you."

"And if she doesn't?" he cut her off. His tone was not one of malice, but rather desperation.

"Then you read her like you've always done. You intervene in whatever way you have to. Reach out to her when she is too scared to say so and save her when she needs to be rescued," she said.

"I don't know that I can. I already failed her once," he replied softly.

"Then you'll need to have more faith in yourself. I know Anna doesn't like you to be so self deprecating. And the same goes for me," she said with a smile. For a moment John smiled back at her, but still had trouble believing her words. "Mr. Bates do you think your wife a fool?" Mrs. Hughes asked in her Scottish brogue.

"No. She's one of the smartest people I've ever met," John answered honestly.

"Do you think she wouldn't have picked you for a husband if she didn't think you could be there for her the way she needs you to be?"

John was stunned into silence by her question.

"She saw something in you that you didn't see. Now whether or not you know what it is, you just keep doing what feels right," Mrs. Hughes said.

John sat there for a few seconds as he let Mrs. Hughes words sink in. John slowly began to rise from his chair and once he was at full attention he spoke up, "Mrs. Hughes, I don't know that I could ever fully express how truly thankful I am for the way you've helped with Anna. But your assistance has been much appreciated."

"No thanks is necessary," Elsie replied.

John excused himself from the office and walked out in silence.

Elsie watched as John made his way down the hallway, his slightly altered gate only more pronounced by the way his head hung low and his shoulders hunched forward. She hoped her words had their intended effect on John as she silently said a prayer in the hallway for the both of them.