A/N: This is a direct continuation off of the last chapter. I didn't want to leave you all hanging as I will be working on updating my other stories for a bit. Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews, they mean so much to me.

Part XV

She had remained distant from him for the rest of the evening. John tried not to take it to heart. This was just her way of processing her grief, he reasoned. He took some comfort in the fact that she didn't seem to be limiting her detached nature to just him, it seemed she had done the same to everyone else. The only exception being Lady Mary; she couldn't very well ignore her employer. Throughout the day everyone seemed to be pulling him aside and asking how Anna was doing and questioning whether her return to work had been rushed. If only they knew. John had been dead set against her return so soon, but Anna had insisted it was what she needed

The servants had finished breakfast long before Anna arrived at Downton that morning. At lunch, she had simply pushed her food around on the plate and barely sipped at her water. And dinner time went much the same. Her lack of intake and her tiny frame had not gone unnoticed by Mr. Bates, let alone the rest of the staff. John could only hope that Helen had managed to get her to eat a little of something before they had left for the station that morning. He'd begun to feel a rush of hopelessness overtake him, but then their eyes would find each other across the dinner table and even in a room full of other people he could only see her. She produced a small smile. It was forced. It wasn't the smile John was used to, but he admired her for trying for his sake.

The bell on the wall tolled for Lady Mary and the spell was broken. Slowly, they all left to attend to their respective employers. As John rose from the table to tend to Lord Grantham he was stopped by Mrs. Patmore, "I couldn't help but notice that Anna hardly touched any of the food I made her today."

"I wouldn't take it personally Mrs. Patmore, she hasn't been eating much of anything. Not even from her mother. And Mrs. Smith's cooking would give you a run for your money," he said with a hint of a smile.

"Perhaps I should pack a pail of food for you to take home with you, in case she changes her mind later," Mrs. Patmore volunteered.

"That would be lovely, but I make no promises that she'll eat it," Mr. Bates replied back.

"It makes no difference. Sometimes, it's the offer that means more than the food itself. It lets her know we care," Mrs. Patmore reminded him.

"I hope you're right," John said with a worried tone.

"Bates, I said I wanted the black jacket," Robert reminded in a rather sympathetic tone.

"Sorry, my Lord. I guess I've been a bit preoccupied today," John said. That was putting it mildly. He'd been all thumbs since they lost the baby. Anna had consumed his every waking thought and now he was even more concerned because he couldn't keep an eye on her all day.

As he kissed her goodbye that morning he attempted one last time to convince her to stay home. Instead she argued, "And what would I do without my mother and you here?" He had tried to rebuttal but she cut him off, "I'll go mad if I have to stay here by myself." John dropped the matter after that.

"Mary tells me that Anna is back," Robert said as John helped him into the jacket he wanted.

"She is," John answered back as he tried to stay upbeat.

"Seems a bit soon. It hasn't even been a fortnight yet, has it?," Robert asked.

"It's been eleven days m'Lord," Bates said without skipping a beat.

"I remember when Cora lost the baby, she didn't leave her bed for a week and even then she wasn't able to do much of anything for a month afterwards," Robert added.

John kept his focus on the coat brush he had left on the table as he replied back, "I'm probably speaking out of turn but I'm afraid Anna doesn't have that luxury."

"She'll always have a place here, Bates. Surely you must know that," Robert assured.

"It's not that Anna needs to work...that is to say...it's not a matter of financial difficulty. We do not have other children for her to tend to as you and her Ladyship did when you lost your son," John said. Both men were silent and he hoped he hadn't offended Lord Grantham or minimized the loss of his Lordship's fourth child.

"I see. You must forgive my ignorance, Bates," Robert said with pleading eyes.

"It's already forgotten, my Lord," John answered back.

"I can't help feeling like I am at fault here. That I failed to give my wife all the things she deserves," John said with a shake of the head. "If she had been with someone else, someone younger...she would have already had a house full of children by now," he admitted aloud.

Robert gave pause to his friend's words, "I know things seem bleak right now, but Anna is a strong woman. She'll find her way through this with your help. I'm sure of it."

John's eyes had welled up with tears but he didn't let them spill onto his cheek. He wiped them from his eyes with the back of his hand, making sure not to make a mess of his Lordship's jacket.

"Every marriage has its hurdles that we must get over. You've endured so much already, but you've always come out of it on the other side together. I'm sure one day, you both will have the family you desire and this will all seem like a distant memory," Robert said as he gave his old comrade in arms a pat on the shoulder.

"I certainly hope so, m'Lord," John replied.

John had waited in the servants hall that night as Anna performed her final duties and got Lady Mary ready for bed. He knew she would protest that he should have gone home long ago when his Lordship had gone to bed, but he needed to speak with her. John needed to see her as more than just a passing glimpse in the hallway. Even though Anna's eyes didn't veer up far enough to look past the five feet ahead of her, her presence alone was relief enough to him. They walked side by side in silence. The only noise filling the void was the sound of his cane tapping against the ground with each step providing an easy rhythm for their steps to fall in line with. It was dark out, but thankfully there wasn't a cloud in the sky and the moon lit their path. They both knew the path by heart now, but it was nice when they didn't have any foul weather to contend with so that they could simply talk the whole way back to the cottage.

John looked over at her, even when she wasn't smiling her beauty was breathtaking. He'd always admired that quiet strength about her. Her hair was pinned back under one of her hats, a hat he had bought her on their last anniversary. Her figured looked so small already, but in her black Lady's Maid uniform it made her look even more thin. John thought he heard her let out a small shudder of breath and finally he could take it no more. He had to talk to her. "How was your first day back?" John asked a little too hurriedly.

Anna's eyes widened in response and she looked startled, as if she hadn't noticed he'd been walking beside her all along. "Oh...er…it wasn't too bad," she said none too convincingly.

"I hope you didn't over do it. Mrs. Hughes said if you wanted to adjust your workload until you were feeling back to your old self, you need only ask," he suggested. Dr. Clarkson had warned them both that she needed to take it easy and ease herself back into her normal work routine.

"That's ridiculous. I couldn't ask that," she said in a louder voice than before.

"Of course you can. She offered. Besides, you need to take care of yourself," he said as he stopped to face her.

"John, you're acting as if I just had a baby," she shot back.

The rest of the world may as well have stopped spinning, both of them stood there staring at one another, unable to string together words to continue with conversation. Somewhere in the distance an owl was hooting and it brought them both back to the present. He didn't need the light of the moon to tell him what he already suspected. She had tears in her eyes and he drew her into his arms, "But you did have a baby, my love." John stroked her back with his big, strong hands more tenderly than he ever had. His touch was soft but assuring. John let his lips taste her tears as he kissed her cheek.

"But he's not here," she spoke into his coat and it muffled her sobs.

"I know," John said as he felt her hold tighten around his middle. "Come on, let's get you out of the cold and back to the house. I can run you a hot bath, how does that sound?"

"I don't much care for one," she replied weakly.

"How about a glass of warm milk and some biscuits then? We could even eat in bed if you'd like," he offered.

"No, thank you," she answered back softly. "I do appreciate it, but I don't think I could stomach anything right now. I just want to go to bed."

He didn't like the idea of her not eating, but at least she was talking to him again. "Alright love, whatever you want," he conceded.

Anna sat at her little vanity combing through her hair when John walked in their bedroom. He had a small tray in hand with a glass of warm milk balancing on it as well as a small plate of biscuits. His cane was hanging off of his wrist and John produced a subtle smile when he caught her reflection in the mirror. She began to speak, but John beat her to it, "I know you said 'no' but I hardly ate today, I've been brooding about you. I thought maybe you'd change your mind and this way you wouldn't steal my share." It was a feeble attempt at a joke, but she smiled back and he was thankful for the little victory. He set the tray down on the bedside table and kicked off his shoes before sinking into their mattress.

He should have been relaxed, but she could read the tension in his shoulders. John looked just as anxious as he had been on their wedding night. Only now instead of finding it endearing, she felt a pang of guilt gnawing at her heart. Just two weeks ago they were falling into bed every night while visions of a little boy or girl danced in their heads, the possibilities seemed endless, and the topic of their hotel had been reignited in the imaginations. In her heart of hearts, Anna knew she couldn't allow John to do all the work here; she would also have to put in the effort to help them move on.

Her stomach growled and she found herself eyeing the chocolate biscuits that were all too tempting. She reached out and grabbed one but barely nibbled at it.

"How did it go when you saw your mother off?" John inquired.

"It went well enough," Anna answered back. She wasn't looking at him and her thoughts must have been miles away. "My mother said she would call if she could. I didn't hear from her, so maybe I'll get a letter in the post in a few days," Anna reasoned. "What makes you ask?"

"Well, for one it's your mother. I just want to make sure she didn't encounter any delays. And you took awhile getting back to Downton…" he said, waiting for her to fill in the blanks.

"I had to make a stop in the village on the way back," she said.

"With Doctor Clarkson? Were you not feeling well?" he began spouting off questions faster than she could answer them.

"No. I...I wanted to stop by to see David. That is, to check on the grave site. I know that probably sounds odd, but I just felt like it's where I needed to be," she said waiting for him to look at her like she had gone soft in the head. But this was John. Her husband, lover, and friend. He would never judge her. She finally gazed up at him and only saw love and devotion there ready to embrace her just as soon as she said the words.

"I only wish you would have told me. I would have love to have gone with you," John said as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He guided her down to lay beside him and stroked her side through her nightgown. She didn't recoil and it gave him some sort of reassurance that his wife wasn't displeased with him, although it did still bother him that she had left to spend time with Thomas over himself.

"John Bates, I know what you are thinking right now. You stop it this instant," she said in a stern but playful tone. "I know it was wrong of me, to snap at you earlier. I would say that 'I don't know what came over me' but we both know that would be a lie. I just needed a break from it all. I love that you care for me the way you do, but there are some aspects of this that I feel I can't do with everyone...hovering around me."

"You feel that I'm crowding you," he said, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I want you to be there, but right now I feel like my role has been rewritten and I don't know how to properly fill it," she said.

"Then let me help you," he insisted.

"I would let you if I thought you could. If I thought any of you could," she stammered.

"Then why Barrow?" John asked with tears in his eyes. He didn't know why but for the first time in his life he felt a twinge of jealousy towards the under butler.

"John…" Anna pawed at him in an effort to comfort him. "It's not that he has a quality you have to be jealous of. It's because he is detached from the situation. He's not so involved or swept up in the matter that he feels the need to coddle me or check on me every fifteen minutes. I just need to find a way to rectify this fault."

"Anna, you are not at fault. What happened was a tragedy, yes, but it is not due to you my darling. Do you not think I feel at fault in the matter?"

"How? You weren't even there," she said as her shoulders slumped forward.

"That is exactly why I feel at fault," he explained.

Now Anna felt horrible that she had been so swept up in her own grief she hadn't bother to notice John's. It was the one time she had failed to defend him against his own self loathing. "We certainly are a pair," she said. "John, I don't blame you for it. For any of it. Even everything that came before, David. I hope you know that. I wouldn't change any of it. Not one bit," Anna said as she reached her hand out for his. Their fingers melded into one another and the warmth that had been noticeably absent the past few days began to rekindle once more.

"I love you, Anna. However, whatever, whenever," John said in a steadfast voice.

"I love you too," she added. "I didn't mean to put you out."

"There's no need for that now. I understand why you did what you did. It's already forgotten," he whispered.

John shifted over in the bed to make room for her on his side. Anna automatically fell in line with his body and let his front press against her back like a shield. His arms wrapped around her and protecting her from the cold and whatever else lay ahead. It wouldn't be the same for awhile, but John found her scent and the touch of her body all too welcoming. He reminded himself that despite what they had lost he still had his Anna; she would always be more than enough for him. They stayed awake listening to one another's breaths until they both fell asleep. Their bodies were tired from the sadness that had filled their bones and their hearts. Yet, they were able to find peace that night in each other's arms, knowing that whatever lay on the horizon, they still had the other to hold onto.