Understanding: Syllabification: un·der·stand·ing Adjective.1) Sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerant and forgiving. Example: But being the tolerant, understanding guy that I am, I wanted to know more.

CHAPTER FOUR

"I have been calling you and calling you. Do you have any idea the thoughts that went through my mind?" Edward hissed.

I had arrived home and I was surprised to see Edward's car in the driveway. The second my key went into the door, the door flew open, startling me. Edward looked disheveled. I could tell that he had been running his hands through his hair and his face looked aged.

"Why are you so upset with me? The last time I checked I wasn't a prisoner to this house and you shouldn't have jumped to the worst possible conclusion."

"Of course I jumped that way. I left you alone and depressed, which I felt shitty for the whole time I was at the kitchen. I never should have left you, I'm sorry. I just…" He was holding back, but I could see his eyes coming down with the same condition I often suffered from.

"Bella, I can't lose you."

I set the stuff from my father down on the entry table and walked over to him, taking him in my arms.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, "And you won't. I promise."

I could hear him breathe a sigh of relief and then hold me tighter.

"So…where did you go?" He asked softly.

I pulled back from him and gave him a great big smile.

"I went and met with Elise Hamilton. Oh Edward…I was feeling so miserable and even as I left I felt miserable, but then I sat in the car with all the stuff she had given me that was Eugene's and I had a revelation."

"You went and met with her by yourself."

"She's not a psycho. I was fine." I defended.

However, she did have plastic covers for her furniture, so I could see how that could send off some warning bells but whatever, I quickly dismissed.

"Still…you should have, at the very least, let someone know where you were going in case she did turn out to be a psycho."

"My god, do you and your sister belong to some murder club? First she thinks my biological father could be a serial killer and then you think his widow is a psycho."

I grabbed my father's things from off the table and walked toward the living room.

"Maybe we just like to be cautious."

I turned instantly to Edward and smiled.

"My father was very cautious. Apparently too cautious, which is why I am going to need your support and understanding as I embark on a…colorful adventure."

Edward furrowed his brow, "I…always support you and all your hair-brained ideas."

"Perfect! That is exactly the kind of attitude I was looking for." I beamed, ignoring his previous comment.

"Wow, this meeting with Elise has really turned you around." Edward marveled.

"Not really. It was actually quite depressing as I heard all about my mother and her…ways. But, somehow, I found a way to inject meaning and light into my life where there was dark before. I can honor the father I never knew by doing all the things he always wanted to do but was too scared to do them."

"Do what kind of things? How do you know what he wanted to do?"

I pulled out some leftovers from the refrigerator, but Edward stopped me.

"We're going to your brother's soon."

"But I'm starving." I whined.

Edward sighed and gave me that look. I rolled my eyes and put the food back into the refrigerator.

"I know. I know."

Edward hated when I said that. I was allowed to be melodramatic, just not about food. I get where he was coming from, especially with our history, but sometimes he needed to lighten up. Edward handed me an apple and sat back down on the stool.

"So…as I was saying before the hyperbole police stepped in. I was going through the things that Elise had saved for me and I was feeling pretty low but, as I looked through this old, smelly book that Eugene apparently loved, I found a list written on the back page. It's really kind of funny when you think about it. It reminded me of the time you told me that there is never anything interesting on the back page of a book, when you ripped apart my dictionary and the whole time, on our friendship contract, was your real name. How many wars we both fought that could have been avoided if you had just let me read that back page…"

"Wait a minute." He interrupted. "If you had read my full name, we might not be where we are today. It was hell what we went through, but I wouldn't change a thing."

"Really?" I questioned pointedly, "So if you had to do it all over again, you would lie to me all over again?"

Edward knew he couldn't win so he clicked his tongue and smirked, "So this list. What exactly is on it?"

I gave him that superior winning look and pulled out the old book.

"Around The World In Eighty Days." He recited as he looked it over. "Hey, let me see that for a minute."

I furrowed my brow, but handed him the dirty book.

"Bella, this is a first edition." He admired.

"Cool?" I replied skeptically.

"This book is worth…a lot of money."

"Well, I'm not going to sell it, it belonged to my father." I stated, slightly offended. "We hardly need the money, Edward."

"Of course, I don't think you should sell it, but you should be mindful of it. I doubt your father would want you to carelessly throw around such an antique."

"Who said I was throwing it around?"

Edward held up his hands, surrendering, "I know. I'm sorry. I just want you to note the importance of this book. I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either, but this book means more to me than any monetary value."

"I know. I'm sorry. Please continue on with your new endeavor." He kissed me on the head and I turned to open the book. Now that Edward had put it in my mind that it was worth something, it made me nervous. I cautiously turned to the back page, and I noticed Edward cringing at the very idea that someone would write in something so valuable.

"It would really bother you if I were to just rip this sucker out right now."

Edward covered his eyes and winced, "Please don't do that."

"You ripped a page out of a book once. Here I go…rip, rip, rip." I taunted.

"Bella!"

"I'm only kidding. Geez, calm down." I sat a little taller and turned the book away from him so he couldn't read over my shoulder, "Okay, there's only ten, so I doubt it's going to take a long time to get through them. I should be done in like a month, which is perfect since I have a month off before school starts again."

I cleared my throat and scanned to item two on the list, wanting to leave the first one off for as long as possible since I knew the hell Edward would give me for it.

"Number one. Play a round at St. Andrews. I'm not sure what that means, but I'll figure it out."

"It's a golf course. It's like one of the first golf courses ever made." Edward explained.

I scrunched up my nose. "Golf…like with windmills and stuff."

Edward laughed.

"No, I think you know what kind of golf." He taunted.

"The boring kind that they show on TV during the day when no one is at home watching."

"That's the one." He snapped his fingers. He paused for a moment and then added, "Oh and it's in Scotland."

"SCOTLAND!" I shrieked. "Damn, daddy Eugene, you sure wanted to live large. I can't imagine traveling all the way to Scotland just to hit around a ball."

"I'm sure your father must have loved the game. It would be on any avid golfer's bucket list."

I shook my head and looked down to the next item on the list. "Number two. Fly in a hot air balloon."

"I like that one." Edward pulled me closer, "It's very romantic. Thank you, daddy Eugene."

"Okay, he's my daddy, when you say it, it just sounds creepy."

"Number three." Edward stated, with a smack to my ass.

"Number three." I announced. "Enter a pie eating contest."

Edward started laughing once more, "I think this is a genius list. I cannot wait to be by your side supporting you when you triumphantly cross each one of these off your list."

"Really? Well, just wait and remember you said that." I bit my lip, trying to hold back my smile. "Number four. Swim in a fountain."

"Which fountain?"

"He didn't say. I think it was just something he wanted to do, because he knows it's something you shouldn't do." I shrugged.

"You better do it late at night. Swan Enterprises has a fountain, and since it's technically your company…"

"It's not like he asked for the Trevi, I'll find a fountain without damaging my reputation in front of our employees. Thank you very much." I retorted. I looked back down at the list, "Number five. Get a traffic ticket. That shouldn't be too hard, cops love me."

"You better not do something reckless. I don't want you getting hurt for this." Edward replied seriously. I could tell that this list was starting to encroach upon territory he didn't want me to tangle in.

"Wow, and here I thought you were going to have a problem with numbers eight through ten."

"What happens on numbers eight through ten?" he asked worried.

"Number six." I stated, ignoring him once again. "Go scuba diving. Something I have always wanted to do and now, thanks to daddy Eugene, I will conquer this for him.

"Not too bad. A tropical island with my love. Thanks again, daddy Eugene."

"Edward." I warned. I gave him the eye and then continued on, "Number seven. Get a tattoo."

Edward recoiled from me. "I…never really liked them. Are you sure about this, Bella? You don't have to do everything on this list. I'm sure he would be happy if you left one or two off. Especially ones that last forever."

"I don't know what you're complaining about. I'm the one who's going to be stuck with a needle. But, don't worry; I'll get something tactful, like your name on my ass."

"The hell you will. Nobody is looking at your ass, except for me."

I looked at him for a couple of seconds and then, deciding to abandon the argument, I looked back down at the list.

"Number eight. Sky diving."

"No. " He stated with finality.

I rolled my eyes, "Number nine. Do something that frightens me. Talk about leaving it open for interpretation." I sighed, "I have no idea what I will do for that one yet."

"I could think of something." Edward replied coyly. "Marry me."

I sighed and looked him in the eye. "I'm not frightened of marrying you; I'm frightened of what comes after. So many marriages end in divorce, or end up with people miserable enough to cheat. I like what we have and I don't want to lose you either, but a big part of me tells me that I need to let you go, because I think you could be so much happier with someone who wants what you want in life, what I'm not sure I can give you."

He was already shaking his head emphatically.

"Bella, I only want you. I don't need all that other stuff…I just want to love you. There's no way I could ever love anyone else."

"I love you too but this other stuff, a baby, a family, is not easy to just give up and, if I truly love you, I need to let you go."

"Stop it! I don't want you talking like this. It's Christmas Eve and I deny your request to break up with me." He snapped. He stood up from his stool, "We have to get ready. We are not going to talk about this any further."

He turned away from me and briskly walked out of the room. I sighed and slide down to the stool, looking at the last item on the list, the one I had thought would trouble Edward the most, but he never gave me the chance to tell him.

I allowed him the bedroom to get ready in since I could feel the tension flowing through our house. It looked like Edward would not be getting his wish of a drama-less Christmas. I waited until he was in the shower to grab my makeup bag and dress, and then vamoosed to the second bathroom. I should've showered, but that would take me longer and the last thing I needed was grumpy Edward waiting for me to finish getting ready.

"You look beautiful." Edward said when I walked out of the bathroom.

"Thanks."

"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I don't want you to think I'm mad at you or avoid me or stand ten feet away from me, like you're doing now…"

"I was trying to give you space."

"I never want space. Space is one of those nasty words like, breakup and mushy." He walked, came towards me.

"Mushy?"

"Yeah…I don't like the way it sounds. Mushy." He made a face.

"Good to know. But, we can't just ignore this topic like you want to. How many times do I not want to talk about things and, yet, you always make me. If you want to marry me, then you have to talk to me about the future. You can't just give up on want you really want in life. If you want kids then…I honestly don't know when or if I will ever be ready."

"We can talk about this, but not now. I don't want to ruin this Christmas with this."

"Okay. But don't plan on proposing to me until you are ready to face the realities I laid out for you." I turned to leave and he grabbed my hand quickly, pulling me back to him, he landed an expertly placed kiss to the mouth, which was somewhat amazing because, if he had spun me a little too much, his teeth could've collided with my nose and then our Christmas would have been spent at the E.R. But I digress.

Even though my brother and I were closer these days, we both unfortunately made family events awkward. I could tell that our significant others worked to try to bring Michael and I away from our past tradition of stiff and uncomfortable dinners. Of course, Emily had made a beautiful spread for the occasion. The four of us sat around a lavishly decorated table with miniature Christmas wreaths at each setting. She had an eye for the extras, which I'm sure would come to help her when Michael and she finally set their wedding date.

"So, we have finally set our wedding date." Michael announced.

"That's great. Congratulations." Edward replied. "When is the happy day?"

"July thirty-first." Emily answered.

"About damn time. Took you guys long enough."

"Bella." Edward scolded.

"I'm just sayin."

Michael rolled his eyes, "So when do you two happy birds plan on tying the knot?"

Of course I knew he was just saying that to rub it in. It didn't take a genius to realize that marriage was a foreign idea for me.

"We've only been dating a year. You two have been engaged for like ever." I retorted. "Plus, you're not getting any younger, Michael. Want to make sure those salmon can still swim upstream."

"Age is not your friend, Bella. I think I smell something…what is that smell? Rotting eggs?" He challenged.

"Okay, enough you two." Emily intervened. "Bella, I think that now would be a good time for me to ask you to be one of my bridesmaids."

I sat back in my chair, dumbfounded.

"But…we…don't really know one another." I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"You're going to be my sister…and I don't have a sister…so…I thought we would get to know one another better this way."

I looked over to Edward, and he was prompting me with the wave of his hand to say something.

"Oooo…kay?"

"Excellent. I can't wait. We are going to have so much fun. We rented out Vibiana and I want everything to look Victorian, with pink and white roses. I'm so excited." She gushed.

Edward tried holding it in as I looked over to him.

"Yea!" I said awkwardly.

Michael just shook his head at me and Emily continued on with her ranting.

"I want you in a pink dress with a big poofy skirt, just like the Victorians. And there's going to be cherub vases on the tables with bouquets of flowers coming out…"

"I'm so going to kill you for bringing me here." I whispered under my breath to Edward.

"Awe, I can't wait to see you in pink poofy dresses." He teased.

"So, Bella…what have you been up to?" Michael interrupted his fiancé's hysterics.

"Not much…I guess."

"Not much? The past couple of days haven't been, "not much."" Edward started. I gripped his leg under the table, stopping him from going further. He gave me a curious look, and I knew I would have to think fast as Michael was inspecting us.

"He's being stupid." I waved of Edward, "Don't worry about him."

"Come on. What's going on?" Michael asked.

I sighed and looked over to Edward, giving him the eye.

"Edward proposed and I said no."

Michael and Emily's jaw dropped. I could see Edward roll his eyes.

"Why would you say no? I thought you two were…in love?" Emily asked sadly.

"We are! I…just am not ready. I…we…still are new and we haven't really figured out everything yet. Can we just change the subject? I don't want to talk about this."

I dug back into my food and cracked my neck. A silence fell over the table, and it wasn't soon after that we found our way out the door for the evening.

"Bella." Michael called out for me. "Can I just…talk to you for a second? It will only take a second, Edward."

Edward nodded and proceeded toward the car.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Why did you say no?"

I laughed shortly and shook my head. "I have my reasons."

"Our parents really fucked us up. It took me a really long time to come to terms with marriage, but I know that what happened to you was worse than me, so please don't be stupid, Bella."

"What do you mean?" I put my hands in my pockets.

"You know what I mean." He looked directly in my eyes, "You are happy and you're in love. If you wait to get your shit together, to not be afraid all the time, you could miss out. Edward's a good guy. Don't fuck this up."

"Edward wants completely different things. He wants kids and stuff…I can't even fathom being a mother. Hell, I'm not even responsible enough to take care of a cat. Edward has to take care of Fluff n' Fold half the time."

"You're not as bad as you think you are, Bella. You're just lazy."

"Hey!" I complained.

"You are! You afraid of having kids because you know it's going to be hard work. Don't be stupid. I think you could be a wonderful mother if you ever pulled your head out of your ass."

"For shits sake, Michael! I'm only twenty-four." I exclaimed.

"Yes, and in some circles you'd have three kids by now."

"UGH!" I groaned. "I need time. I don't think that's a lot to ask for."

"Take your time then. Just don't be mad if Edward doesn't want to wait."

"That's a really shitty thing to say, Michael."

"I'm only telling you the truth. Merry Christmas, Bella."

He turned and walked back toward the house. I stood there lamenting our conversation and wanting to be anywhere but here. I slowly walked back to the car and got into the passenger side.

"Everything okay?" Edward probed.

I smiled shortly and nodded.

He narrowed his eyes at me, but then turned to the wheel and backed out of the driveway. I thought over and over the words my brother left me with. What does he know? He was five years older than me and he just now decided to settle down.

I looked over to Edward and saw him softly singing along to the song on the radio. I didn't want to lose this man. I knew then that I would never love anyone the way I loved him. I didn't want to be sitting somewhere when I was fifty, telling everybody at the old folks home how the man I loved got away. I thought back to what Elise said earlier about my biological father being afraid of life and I now knew that I was just like him. I was going to end up dying alone in some horrific accident, with only a bucket list written of things I wanted to do.

"NO!" I shouted.

"WHAT? What happened?" Edward skidded the car to a stop and looked around, panicked.

"Uh…uh…I'm sorry. I…I thought I saw something."

Edward breathed a sigh of relief and then took a hold of my hand, rubbing circles with his thumb.

"It's okay." He said.

I went back to looking out the window and thinking of that long list in the back of that old book. I am going to finish every last one of those damn things and then, no matter what, I will marry Edward Cullen.

"Even though some of the things on that list scare me…I'm really happy you're doing this, Bella. I think it will bring great meaning to you."

I looked over at him, surprised. Did he just read my mind? How did he know I was thinking about the list? Maybe we had gotten to that special place where we could communicate without saying a word.

"Yeah…I…think it will be a great opportunity for me." I replied.

He nodded and then I could see something light up in his eyes.

"You never told me what the last thing on the list was."

Shit.

AN: Thank you for reading and reviewing!

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Thank you again to my beta, Robstenvampgirl for her continuous work.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.