A/N: I apologize for the delay in updates. I've been throwing most of my time into finishing up Make You Feel My Love. Glad to see you all are still enjoying this and keeping up with it. Things are progressing and the Bateses are finally moving out of the darkness. As always thanks to Terrijane and A-Lady-To-Me for editing through this. Please review.

Part XVI

It had been almost two months since Anna returned to work. Her strength had returned, but her disposition was a different story. Anna remained pleasant of course, but the cheerfulness that had always filled her smile had disappeared. She was still grateful to have John with her and the happiness that she found in her husband's solid form hadn't ebbed in the slightest. The problem was that with each passing day Lady Mary's physical appearance altered even more; her little bundle of joy making itself known to the world. Each morning time Anna had to help Lady Mary change into some new costume or dress was like a slap to the face. And while the Crawleys tried to be sensitive to the Bates's situation, their joy over the potential of an heir being produced couldn't be contained.

In typical Anna fashion, she threw herself into her work. It gave her time to think on what the next step for them was to be. It provided a break in discussion from how she was doing and when she and John might try again. Even though John had never broached the subject with her and respected her space, Anna knew she couldn't put off being intimate forever. But the fact of the matter was, Anna wasn't sure she could allow herself to fall pregnant again. Should another pregnancy turn out as the last one did, Anna was certain she wouldn't survive the devastation. She curtailed her grief as best she could, but John was no fool. On more than one occasion he had caught her in one of the girls' rooms crying, when she was supposed to be making the bed. On mornings when she left early to go to work, but arrived after him, he knew exactly where she'd been. It hurt him so to see that she was visiting David's grave even more frequently than she had in her first week back at Downton, and without him no less.

John had been in correspondence with Helen and was surprised to find out that Anna had barely kept in touch with her mother since her departure. He hated the feeling of betrayal that flooded the back of his mind whenever he spoke of Anna to Helen, but he was at a loss of what to do or how to bring Anna back to him. Helen suggested that he try to spend more time with Anna outside of the house. They were going on three months since they lost their baby and she thought that John had spent enough time giving in to Anna's desire to remain tucked away from the world when they weren't at work. That it was time John bring her out from the shadows and remind her of all the things she was missing out on. John had to agree with Helen on this note, but the bigger question was, would Anna go along with his plan?

One afternoon, when Anna had to run some errands for Lady Mary in the village she took the opportunity to stop by and visit with David. It wasn't as if Anna believed he would talk to her or anything like that, but she felt some sort of comfort in visiting him. Like she hadn't abandoned her child there. With fall fast approaching more leaves were beginning to fall onto the tiny patch of earth and headstone where he was laid to rest. Anna always did her best to clean up the space and place fresh flowers there for him. On this particular day she was surprised to see John kneeling beside the grave, a task that she knew was a hardship on his leg, but she found herself smiling when she saw a tiny elephant figurine being left beside the flowers she had set there two days before. Anna gave him his space but craned her neck closer to overhear what he was saying.

"I don't know why I thought of you when I saw this. You wouldn't have even been able to hold it yet. But it seemed like something you would have liked when you were older. I guess in a roundabout sort of way I was hoping your Mummy would find it here and like it too. Maybe it would bring a smile to her face. She doesn't smile anymore; not like she used to anyway. I miss it. I miss her. I miss you. Your Mummy does too...so, so much," John said. His voice warbled in tone as he tried to keep his emotions in check. "I didn't believe in angels until I met your Mummy, but I know you are up there watching down over us. And I'm sorry you have to see us like this. We weren't always this gloomy. We were happy once. Never happier than when we found out we were going to have you." John wiped at his eyes and placed his bowler hat back in place. "It seems that the day you left, you took the sunshine with you. I'm trying to fix things as best I can, but nothing compares to the warmth and joy that you brought us." John thought he heard the crinkling of leaves beneath someone's feet and turned to find Anna. Her eyes were clouded with tears but she smiled at him.

"I didn't know you came here," Anna said softly. She gripped at her handbag nervously, though she couldn't understand why. Anna had no reason to be nervous around John.

"I hoped I'd run across you one day. After awhile it just became habit. He's easy enough to talk to," John said with a half smile.

"I'd wondered who kept leaving the little toys next to the flowers. At first I thought maybe Mrs. Hughes had done it. Then one day I saw a small metal soldier figurine and I could only think of one person that would put that there," she said with a sigh. "I should have known it was you."

John grinned at her, glad to see that he was still somewhat at the forefront of her mind. He knew she'd never completely forget about him and it wasn't as if Anna didn't love him anymore. It just seemed like she had a harder time sharing that love with him now. Like she was afraid it would be snatched away just as easily as David had been.

"I saved them all you know. The toys that is. I think on some level I always knew it was you. They were silent little reminders that you were still there offering your hand to me," Anna said as she took a deep breath to calm herself. She had almost lost the love of her life again. Only this time it would have been all her fault for pushing him away. "I know I should have spoken to you sooner. Something at the back of my mind kept nagging at me to tell you that this was all becoming too much. I guess I just kept hoping that once enough time passed I'd be able to move on."

"I miss him to you know? Maybe not in the same way you do, but I do. I miss everything he represented. Our future and our survival. He was an unspoken promise of better days to come...that the worst of it was behind us. And then he was gone," John said as he rose to meet her. John brushed off the few leaves that had collected on his pants but waited for her to close the distance.

Anna bit down on her lip as she contemplated speaking what was on her mind.

"You don't have to hold back you know? Not with me anyway," John said sweetly.

"I know."

"I used to be able to read your every thought. Even in those months when we were kept apart while I was in prison. Now I feel like I can barely read your emotions. Why do you hide them from me?"

"Because..." Anna stopped herself. What if once the words left her lips they came true? Anna hadn't noticed that as she gave pause to her thoughts that John had moved closer to her.

"I wish you'd come out with it. Whatever it is you're keeping secret. It can't possibly hurt us anymore than this distance that has settled between us," John said as he held her arms. He stroked her arms reassuringly with his hands.

Anna smiled when she recognized his words as her own. "Because I worry I'll lose you too. I can't take another loss, John. Not you and not another baby. I can't get hurt if I keep my heart guarded," she reasoned.

"But that is no way to live. You taught me that. All those years ago when I stepped off the milk train and found a lovely lady's maid waiting behind the walls of Downton Abbey," he whispered into her ear. Her forehead was pressed against his shoulder. John hunched forward a little, being mindful of their difference in height, so she could perch her chin there. "And I will do my best to return the favor and show you every day what life has to offer us. That there is still a reason to live. Surely you must know that my darling."

Anna nodded her head inaudibly. "I do."

John chuckled slightly at the small victory. "We can still visit David. That doesn't have to stop. I won't keep you from him."

"I know," she replied. A wave of shame rushed over her that she had made her husband feel so insecure that he would even have to say such a thing. What other doubts had she put in his head? How else had she made him feel inadequate as she tried to keep him at a distance? Guilt coursed through her veins like ice and it threatened to take the breath from her lungs at the mere thought of being the one to hurt her husband in such a way.

"I think we need a break away from Downton. Nothing far or too long. But maybe a small trip to Thirsk or Ripon even. Perhaps a small trip to the village to get out of the house if the other suggestions seem too much for you," John offered, he tried not to sound too pushy. He waited with baited breath for her to reply.

She refused to let him go as she shifted in his arms. Eventually she leaned back and looked up at him with her crystal blue eyes that still held all the warmth of a summer's day. "That sounds lovely," Anna answered back.

It was a small step but John felt a surge of relief at her words. His muscles instantly slackened as he felt her body flush against his own. Her hands gripping his sides like she was hanging onto him for dear life. He only wished he'd spoken up sooner. They both needed this.

Nearly two weeks later...

John finished up a letter to Helen before Anna arrived home. He hoped that it would find her in good health and good spirits. He reported that Anna's health was as it should be and things were getting progressively better, not just for Anna, but between the two of them. John took every opportunity he had to spoil her and make her feel special. He started off by leaving little notes hidden around the cottage and in her personal effects that she might use throughout the day at Downton. In hopes that they would catch her at the right moment and brighten her day. Some were scrawled down with happy memories, others were declarations of love, and then there were dreams of the future. The latter was a topic they hadn't discussed in some time, but they had to start getting on with their lives somehow.

It was their first half day since their discussion in the graveyard and while it had taken some persuading, John managed to get Anna to agree to a day out on the town. They had some small errands to run, but John was set on buying her some new item of clothing as she very rarely made such purchases for herself. He also had made plans for them to enjoy lunch in a tea room on the edge of town and take in a picture show. John knew this was more activity than they usually engaged in, but he thought the distraction would prove useful.

Considering Anna hadn't ventured far from the comfort of their home since they lost the baby he thought it wise that they go a town or two over. John wanted to avoid Anna being berated with the same questions that had swirled around her absence and return to Downton. They settled on a trip to Ripon and enjoyed a walk about town. It was cool outside, but not quite winter yet. The chill caused John's knee to ache, but he would gladly endure it if it meant Anna was out of the house and enjoying herself. They walked past a few hat and dress shops and John finally coaxed her into trying on a navy blue dress that Anna had been glancing at out of the corner of her eye. "And what would I do with a new dress, John Bates?" she teased.

"Perhaps it will motivate your old husband to take you out more, if only for the privilege of seeing his wife all gussied up in such a frock," he said playfully.

She hated it when he belittled himself, but Anna didn't mind that he did it to get a rise out of her. "That's not fair. You think I look lovely in everything," she pointed out.

"Well we have the servants ball coming up this Christmas, you could wear it then. You looked smashing in your dress last year. You'll put all those upstairs ladies to shame in a dress like that," John said as he leaned his head on Anna's shoulder. He pressed a kiss to her cheek, "Come on love. Trying it on won't hurt anyone."

"Oh alright, I'll try it on," Anna gave in. Although deep down she did rather like John fussing over her and spoiling her. She imagined this is how it would have been had John been free to court her properly before their marriage.

She admired herself in the mirror and saw that her figure had already returned to what it was before the pregnancy. Not that she was showing much to begin with, but the bump that had once graced her petite frame was certainly gone now. Anna didn't cry, but she took a deep breath and reminded herself that this was supposed to be a day for them to enjoy themselves. She smoothed the fabric around her abdomen and realized that John had been right, it did look lovely on her. The dark blue contrasted well with her skin and complimented her light blue eyes. When she emerged and asked, "What do you think?" John was absolutely floored by the vision standing before him.

"You look absolutely marvellous," John answered back from the chair he was sitting in. He even insisted she stand on the small platform in front of the three piece mirror and give him a twirl so he could see it from all angles. "Quite frankly, I don't care what you say. I'm buying you this dress. It was made for you," John concluded.

"But John it's too much," Anna argued.

"I'll hear none of it. A man should be allowed to spoil his wife once in awhile. Would you like anything else to go with it?" he asked. "Some new shoes or a hat to go with it?" John offered with a waggle of his eyebrows.

She giggled knowing just how much he loved seeing her in her hats. "No, the dress is enough," Anna replied as she headed back into the changing area to remove the dress. She had to admit it was a spectacular piece of work, the color was perfection and the intricate beading down the front and back created the most lovely designs of flowers across her bust and down her back. Anna didn't have a hard time understanding why John found it so enticing.

By the time they finished up poking into a few shops and stopping off at the bookstore for John to glance at the latest titles it was already lunch time. They hadn't even realized how late it had gotten until Anna's stomach began to growl. "Glad to see your appetite is coming back," John commented with a grin. "We should stop off to get some tea," John said as he looped his arm for Anna to put hers through.

They had just placed their orders and been making idle chit chat about repairs that still had to be made around the cottage when something grabbed John's attention. A small toddler was sitting in a woman's lap not too far behind Anna. He smiled at the baby, but tried not to interact with the child too much, being ever mindful of how sensitive Anna might still be. Except once the child caught John's eye, the little boy kept waving at John and repeating "Hi." John finally gave in and waved back and repeated the sentiment. "Cute little fella," he commented.

Anna turned around and noticed the sweet cherub sitting in the woman's arms. He had blue eyes and dark hair. The little one was all smiles as he played with a small train along the back of the chair. Anna was instantly crestfallen, she bit down on her lip and held back the emotions that were slowly taking over her. When she looked back at John and saw the smile that graced his face and the way his eyes lit up she felt a pang of guilt settle in her stomach. Anna turned away and dabbed at her eyes. The delight that had been etched on her face most of the day was quickly wiped away. "I'm sorry. I was a fool to think we could put it behind us," she apologized. Her face suddenly turned to stone and her features returned to the rigid ones John had become accustomed to in the days following her miscarriage.

"My darling, you have nothing to be sorry for," John said as he instinctively reached across the table and took her hand in his own.

"I saw the way you looked at him. The little boy. You should be a father. I've robbed you of such a chance. And I'll only continue to do so; I don't think I have it in me to attempt to have another child," Anna whispered. "You should be with someone who can give you more."

John was surprised to hear such talk from her and in such a public place, but for the first time he was truly grateful that she was opening up to him and not locking herself away with her feelings. "You've robbed me of nothing. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and with the person who has given me more than I could have ever hoped to possess. The subject of fatherhood wouldn't even be on the table if I was sitting here with anyone but you."

John looked around to make sure no one was lurking about or could possibly hear their conversation as he lowered his voice even further. "We can try again whenever you are ready," he said with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

Anna quickly dismissed the notion. "You don't have to remind me," she uttered under her breath. A month after the incident the doctor had given Anna and John permission to try again. But Anna had been reluctant. One night as they had laid in their beds after the doctor had given his approval for them to resume their lovemaking, she had told John in hushed tones that she felt like less of a woman for not being able to have a baby. That he should be ashamed to share a bed with her. John had put an end to such talk and insisted she was every bit the lady he had met all those years ago. That if they never had children it wouldn't change how much he loved her in the slightest.

"We could adopt," he offered in a slow drawl. "If you don't want to try again that is." John hated the way he had to tiptoe around the topic as if it was something to be ashamed of. But he didn't want to offend her by suggesting such a thing.

Anna slowly nodded in understanding. It wasn't that she didn't love all of God's children, and perhaps it was a selfish notion but she wanted something that was a piece of him and her.

"Anna, the way the child came into this world makes no difference to me. There are plenty of children out there without a proper home and we could give them one. It would still be a piece of us, because we would raise it and love it as our own. And what greater gift is there than that to bestow on a child?" he asked. John certainly hadn't meant to guilt or pressure her. But he could not stand by helplessly knowing he hadn't explored every option to bring some shred of happiness back into his wife's life.

He knew she understood his words and saw reason in them, but that didn't make it any less easy for her to bear. An uncomfortable silence loomed over the table again. "Gwen asked about you," he said.

Anna's interest was piqued, but she remained quiet. She couldn't understand why her friend was talking to John. Not that they weren't friendly when Gwen still worked at the Abbey, but Gwen had been her friend first. Was everyone around her walking on eggshells and talking about her with John. Anna felt a flash of anger but realized that this was her own doing. She had pushed them all away and that wasn't like her.

He read her thoughts instantly and tried to put her mind at ease. "She was worried about you. Gwen had even written to Mrs. Hughes to see if you had been taken ill or left service. She said she's written you a few times but you don't respond to her letters. Did you have a falling out?" he asked.

"No. The last time I wrote to her was before...well you know," Anna said trying to make light of it before she burst into tears in the tea house. She felt John's hands cover hers under the table. "We were making plans to come visit her after the baby arrived. She already has one of her own now that's two years old and we thought it would be nice for the children to meet," Anna said regretfully as the tears pricked at her eyes. "And I...I didn't know how to tell her."

"Well that's understandable. I don't blame you," John said as he offered her his handkerchief. It was one that Anna had embroidered for him with his initials. She slowly dabbed at her eyes and tried to calm herself down. "I'm sorry I brought it up, it was stupid of me," John said in that self-deprecating tone that he had mastered to perfection over the years. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her further pain.

She quickly reached out for his hand and patted it gently, "No. John, you never have to be sorry. I don't want you to feel that you can't talk to me about things because you might upset me. It's always going to upset me, losing him. But I want to believe that it will get easier with time."

Her words flooded John's veins with relief. It was the first real sign that everything he had told her for the past few weeks was finally sinking in. John didn't want to push his luck, but it was worth mentioning. He felt his heart clench in his chest with fear that she might not receive his suggestion as well as he hoped. "I've been thinking...we don't have to do it now. But maybe when you're ready of course, we could look into searching for a hotel again…"

"No," Anna said as she shook her head violently back and forth.

"I just thought that maybe we need a fresh start," he suggested.

"No," she stood firm on the matter. "We can't leave David behind. It wouldn't be right."

John felt horrible now that he hadn't even considered that aspect of things. "Of course dear," John replied with a heavy heart. "Forget I even brought it up."