A/N: I know it's been awhile, but I wanted to make sure I wrote this chapter accurately. Hopefully you all enjoy it and find that this was in character for Anna and Bates given the way I have set up their storyline. A big thank you to A-Lady-To-Me, Chisoxtam, and Terriejane for reading through this and giving me feedback. Thanks for all the reviews thus far and please let me know what you think of this one. Enjoy!

*side note this chapter will be bumping the rating into M-rated. So for those of you that don't care for that you may want to skip past the third section.

Part XVII

The season passed by in a blur, Anna and John went about their daily routines like normal. Parts of Anna that John loved were slowly returning, like the way she always managed to find his hand underneath the table in the servants hall and how she allowed herself to inhale the scent of his aftershave as she pulled away from a kiss. She cast off a genuine laugh every so often; a sound he had worried was lost to them forever, but was like music burrowing in his ears. Her smiles became broader and the fog that had clouded her eyes seemed to be lifting ever so slightly. He was happy to see a letter from Mrs. Smith that informed him Anna had finally gotten in touch with her, the letters weren't what they used to be but she was happy to hear from her daughter all the same. They had not resumed their marital relations in the bedroom which was disheartening, but John tried to understand her desire to refrain from it. While Anna was concerned about losing another baby, John was concerned that another miscarriage might mean the loss of his wife. John could learn to live without a child, but if anything happened to Anna as a result of trying to have a child he'd only blame himself. It was the one thing he knew his heart could not bear.

As Lady Mary's waistline expanded, Anna found it harder and harder to share in her Ladyship's joy. As it was, she was already dodging Mr. Branson at every corner when she saw him with little Sybbie. Something she had never pictured herself doing. Tom had always been kind and courteous to she and Mr. Bates when he was a member of staff and when Lady Sybil passed, Anna had taken it upon herself to stop in at the nursery once a day to check in on the little one when Nanny was busy tending to other things. Even going so far as to volunteer to hold her or keep an eye on her when necessary. But not anymore. Anna could barely stand to walk past the nursery now without feeling a dull ache in her heart.

John felt much the same whenever he heard Lord Grantham speak of the arrival of a possible heir. For John it wasn't so much sadness but bitterness that coursed through him at the mention of Lady Mary's baby. All his employer could focus on was that the child be a boy so that it could inherit and ensure the security of Downton. But what a preposterous notion and burden to place on the shoulders of one so small. The child hadn't even arrived and already John felt as if it would be a let down or disappointment if it didn't turn out to be a boy. When he and Anna would have gladly given anything to have any child at all. John knew it wasn't fair to steal the Crawley's joy just because their dreams had not panned out, but it still stung all the same. John knew the inevitable would have to take place in order for them to survive this. They would have to leave Downton. The only problem was that John couldn't figure out how to convince Anna to leave everyone she loved and everything she'd ever known.

"Come back to me, John," Anna said in a soft voice.

It was a voice so melodious that John was sure he must have dreamt it. John saw her sitting across from him as he sat back in his upholstered armchair.

She smiled at him as she set his tea down beside him, "Where were you just now? I've been talking to you this whole time that I've been preparing our tea in the kitchen. Did you even hear a word of it?"

"I'm sorry, love," he apologized. "I was just thinking."

"You mean brooding," she corrected him. Anna swallowed hard as she gave her husband a once over and fell in love with the domestic image that played out before her. His long legs outstretched as he took the weight off his knee. His shirt was untucked and the top buttons undone. He was free of his tie and his sleeves were rolled up, exposing the dark, coarse hair that covered every inch of him liberally. The pomade from earlier in the day had nearly worn off, giving it that tousled look that always drove her mad. "I'd give you a penny for them."

"You'd pay half as much not to hear them," John replied playfully. He had hoped his wife would enjoy his dark sense of humor but she looked a little cross with him now as she settled into her designated spot on the settee. Her feet were free of the heels that she so loathed, but she was still darning her stockings. Still, the black stockings left little to the imagination as they hugged her slender calves. Her lady's maid uniform still sat loosely in place leaving her with almost no shape or form given how much weight she'd lost.

"I'd like to know all the same," she replied in a small voice.

"I was thinking about where do we go from here," he said. John's voice was as soft and alluring as a kitten's purr.

"Go?" she asked with a questioning eyebrow.

"We had a dream once, you and I. Of a hotel by the sea with our children all around us…" his voice began to trail off as he registered the sadness on his wife's face. "Anna, I want to give you that still. We are both deserving of that. But I can't give you children if you will not allow us to be husband and wife in every sense of the word," he explained. He hoped he wasn't putting too much pressure on her by saying such a thing. But the fact remained that neither of them were getting any younger. John leaned forward to be closer to her and extended his arm across the small gap between them until his hand came to rest on her knee. He gave it a reassuring squeeze and smiled at her. "We could still try to adopt. I don't think anything would come of it given my criminal history, but I'm willing to give it a go if you are," John offered.

Anna shook her head in disagreement, "Maybe some other time, but right now, it still seems too soon. I still haven't gotten over it just yet."

"And I imagine you never will my darling," John said as he caressed her cheek and set her tea down on the side table. "But why deny yourself the opportunity at happiness any longer?"

"Maybe we had our chance and that chance has passed us by," she said. Anna knew her words must have stung him by the expression on his face, but she couldn't help the way she was feeling. "Sometimes I lay awake at night and I wonder if it was just always meant to be the two of us. That I should be thankful that I still have you and not expect or dare to dream for more."

"You can't honestly believe that," John began to reason with her.

"You're right. We did have plans once and the moment we started making them Vera took you away from me. And when you tried to come back and married me, you ended up behind bars. So how can I not come to that conclusion?"

"Oh my darling," John said with a heavy heart. "I can't blame you for coming to that conclusion. But a part of me has to believe there is more to this life than the troubles you and I have seen together. Don't you agree?" he asked.

"I want to," Anna said with tears in her eyes.

John motioned for her to come over and sit on his lap.

Anna came willingly but was hesitant about putting her weight on him and hurting his leg.

As if reading her thoughts he nodded his head back and forth in disagreement. "It's fine. You don't weigh more than a feather."

She came the rest of the way and let her head rest on his broad chest as his arms surrounded her and warmed her to the core. "Do you think it's all behind us?" she asked him in a whisper.

"God willing. Just remember, you always have me to fall back on. I won't let us be separated ever again," he replied with a sure and even tone.

"You have made me so very happy, John Bates. I hope you realize that," Anna said as she pressed a kiss to the slope of his neck.

"I do and the same goes for you my love," he assured her as they sat by the fire, until they watched the last embers burn out.

The next night as they travelled home her hand found his and their steps synced up like they had always done; only now he noticed she wasn't staring at the beaten path that led to their cottage like she had become accustomed to. For the first time in a long time she was staring at him and couldn't seem to take her eyes off of him. He wouldn't deny that he was somewhat shy and embarrassed, even still, when her eyes would linger on him for longer than he was used to. John had gotten so used to people eyeing him with pity or disgust that when her eyes fell on him he wasn't quite sure how to respond. His cheeks flushed red and John flashed a boyish grin at her.

Anna shrugged her shoulders shyly at him and smiled in a way he hadn't seen for awhile. It was innocent and almost naive, like the smiles they shared when they first fell in love but were unable to voice their feelings for one another.

He could already feel his heart speeding up in between glances. John was doing his best to watch his steps to ensure he didn't lose his footing as he navigated over the gravel covered road. But his wife was proving to be quite the distraction as she leaned into him. Her scent was heavenly and he was immediately grateful when he saw the cottage come into sight.

"It's cold out," she commented.

"I can build a fire when we get to the cottage," he offered.

"That would be nice," she said. "I can make the tea."

They shared a smile. He unlocked the door and made a gesture with his hand for her to go in ahead of him. Even though he had to head back outside to fetch some coal he stopped to help her out of her coat. As she shrugged her shoulders free he was taken aback her lips struck the side of his cheek. It wasn't as if they hadn't kissed since that fateful morning, but everything since then had seemed chaste or had been initiated by John. It was the first time she had done so with such force and without him kissing her first. "What wa-" John had begun to speak to her but this time she cut him off by covering his mouth with hers.

This time it was much softer than before, but the need was just as urgent as ever. Anna sucked on his bottom lip as she pulled away. "Mmmm," she hummed into his ear as her lips trailed down his neck.

John felt himself gravitating towards her. His fingers just along the outline of her frame, but worried to take her into his arms for fear that he would scare her off. That didn't stop him from turning his head into her touch a little further.

"I forgot how good you taste," she said timidly.

He could feel her hot breath on him and her small frame rocked back and forth as she balanced on the tips of her toes to reach him. Even in the dim light her eyes sparkled like diamonds and John thanked anyone that would listen for sending him an angel as precious as his Anna. "My darling, I have missed this so much," John said in a low voice.

"I know," she said as her eyes drifted downward in shame. Anna hated that she had put this unspoken embargo between them.

John lifted her chin with the tip of his finger for her eyes to meet his, "It's alright. I understand. You needed time-you still need time."

"But, you have to know, it's not for lack of want. I love you so much and I want to be with you still, I just…" Anna knew what she wanted to say, but she couldn't voice it. Not when she was sure how much it would destroy him. Even if she told him it was no fault on his part; he would beat himself up over it. Or worse, he'd never attempt to touch her again just to respect her wishes.

"Tell me...please," John said with pleading eyes.

"I don't want to get pregnant," she said.

"You...you don't want children anymore?" he asked her with confusion etched on his face.

"I thought I did...I just don't think I'm ready for it now. We got pregnant so easily before," she reasoned.

He nodded his head in understanding. "We can go slow, I wasn't expecting it to be as it was before," John assured her. "We don't have to make love tonight or even tomorrow if it doesn't suit you."

"I liked how it was before...I still do," she added.

He smiled proudly, glad that she still seemed to be pleased with what they once shared. "Could I just...kiss you...and hold you?" he asked.

Anna considered his suggestion in silence. Her fingers toying with the hem of his suit jacket. The longer she processed his words the more the anxiety began to build in John's mind. Anna shook her head no and watched the expression on John's face change to one of disappointment. "No. I want more than that," she answered softly.

John's face changed noticeably. "Oh...well we can still do other things to please one another," John said thinking that he didn't have to explain it all. It wasn't as if they were monks in their bedroom before she had gotten pregnant. Far from it in fact. He couldn't help the mischievous smirk that crossed his face as he remembered one such time on the kitchen floor when she withheld the last piece of chocolate cake from him.

"I suppose we'll have to start somewhere," she said nervously

"I'm letting you take the lead on this."

"What do you miss the most?" she asked.

"About you?" he replied. "I miss everything." John couldn't even pick a favorite. He loved the taste of her mouth, the feel of her skin against his, the warmth that radiated from her thighs whenever they were joined. The sound of her moans reverberating in his ears, the dimples at the slope of her lower back, and the way her tiny hands raked through his chest hair. He could tell his answer hadn't satisfied her and she was already reading his mind. "I suppose it was the way you would giggle and writhe beneath me as I nipped at your collar bone. Right here," John said as he shifted the collar of her uniform over and let his lips do the rest of the work. Anna responded just as he had predicted and John couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. She let out a satisfied moan but unlike before she pulled back. He could tell her mind was at war with her heart. John held her hands in his own as he kissed her fingertips, "There are ways that we could be together without...or at least there's something we could do that would lower the chances of you getting pregnant."

Anna tilted her head up towards him in curiosity.

He was frozen for a moment, worried that his words would result in an unintended reaction. What if she thought him insensitive or crass?

Anna squeezed his hand to bring him back to her. "Tell me, please."

John took a deep breath before speaking his mind. "I don't have to finish inside of you if you don't want," he cringed as the words left his mouth. Oh God. What she must think of him? He only hoped it didn't sound as bad to her as it did to him. John waited with baited breath for her to decline going any further with their plans for the evening.

"And you...you would be alright with that?" she asked in an unsure manner.

"Anna, darling, I just want to be with you again. In any fashion. I just want us to be close," he clarified. "It doesn't have to just be in the bedroom."

Those words seemed to be her undoing as she began to remove his coat.

His eyes were searching for some line of reasoning in her response. Anna left him befuddled as she continued to focus on the task at hand. "I thought you wanted me to light a fire," he said.

"I'd rather warm up in other ways," she said with a giddy smile.

"You're sure?" he asked. His hand had unconsciously come to rest at her waist as he stopped her.

"I am," she said with pure affection written in her eyes. Her hands traced the lapels of his suit jacket and began to undo the buttons.

His lips sought out her own and he left languid kiss after languid kiss upon her jawline. John's hands began to remove her hat and hair pins. He slipped the pins into his pant pocket and let the fingers of his free hand tangle into her golden curls. His other hand was already refamiliarizing itself with the buttons and ties at the back of her dress. Thankfully she took pity on him as he fumbled with the first two. He noticed she let out a sigh of relief as he released her from the last button; her small but ample breasts just peaking over the top of her corset. They were like two small pillows; soft and cool, and so inviting to lay his head upon. Instead he leaned forward and gently placed his lips upon them one at a time.

She leaned into him , trying to press every inch of her exposed skin against the stubble that was sprinkled along his cheeks. Her chest heaving with each breath she took in. Her hands working up their own mischief as they began to cup him through his pants.

Her touch both thrilled him and scared him in tandem. It had been so long and he was so excited that they were working their way back to that level of intimacy again. It scared him how much he needed her and John had to remind himself to be patient. His senses kicked into overdrive as he caught a hint of her perfume that had been dabbed there earlier.

She backed away to lead him towards the stairs and the two broke into a small fit of laughter when John nearly tripped over the first step. But it had been worth it. He had been so taken with the sight of her as she traipsed up the stairs with her dress half wrapped around her waist. Her corset still held everything in place but left little to the imagination. He envied the moon as it cast its light across her bare shoulders; touching more skin than he had been privy to in the last few months. Once she reached the landing she let her dress slide down her silhouette and discarded it like a mouse with a trail of breadcrumbs. But if she was the mouse then he was a most eager cat as he followed her.

He felt like a teenage boy again about to embark on his first attempt at wooing a woman. John wasn't sure why he felt so nervous, his stomach was flip flopping back and forth with every step he took to ascend the stairs. Would it be different now? Of course it would. But she wouldn't be different. This would all depend upon him. He'd have to make sure he didn't get swept away with her and the moment. He'd have to gage himself a little more closely. Most importantly, John reminded himself he'd have to assure her that he was alright with this arrangement. He wouldn't have her beating herself up later for requesting this of him.

Anna had made it to the bed first and John came in shortly after carrying her dress in his hand. She was already setting to work on undoing the corset herself, but John raised his hands to stop her and help with the ties himself. He set the dress aside on a small chair in the corner of their room and let his fingers undo the strings like he was undoing a bow on the greatest present he'd ever received. His eyes remained focused on her as his fingers moved on their own accord. Once he was done he slipped the device from her frame and turned Anna to face him; he let the corners of his mouth turn up and held her attention with his eyes. She was a goddess standing bare before him. He could tell she was uneasy about him eyeing her for so long and sensed that she was uncomfortable. "What's the matter?" he asked softly.

"It's just the way you are looking at me. Do I look different?" she asked insecurely as her arms wrapped around her waist as if covering up any evidence of what had happened before.

John reached out his hand to remove her hands from her waist and spoke simultaneously. "No. No. Absolutely not. It's just… you'll think me soft in the head," he said with a laugh. "I feel as though I'm dreaming. I didn't think it was possible for me to need reminding of how exquisite you look when you are unveiling yourself to me. But, my god, I feel as though I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for you to expose a little more of yourself with every motion. You are gorgeous, Anna."

Anna shifted over on the bed and smiled as she patted the comforter for him to come join her.

He set his cane aside and sunk into the mattress next to her as he took a seat. John left his hands on either side of him, waiting for direction from her. Even though he knew she had made it clear she wanted this, John was sure if he had his way he would be all over her right now. Not wanting to startle his wife he waited for her to make the first move as he shot a sheepish smile her way.

Anna reached over and combed a hand through his hair that was slowly coming loose from the day's labors. She helped him out of his shirt and allowed her hand to trace a small scar that was etched just over his heart. It couldn't have been more than the size of a pebble; something John said he'd gotten when he had been rough housing with his cousins in Ireland years ago. But he always teased her that it was where cupid had shot him when he first laid eyes on her. "You can touch me you know. I wont bite," Anna teased in a low voice.

"I know. I just didn't want you to feel rushed. If you need me to stop at all, you only need say the words," he assured her.

"I don't want you to stop, John."

God he loved the way his name sounded as it fell from her lips. The mynx. If she only knew what she did to him with a simple smile or wink. John lifted his shaking hand to move towards her breast and felt it mold to the shape of his hand. He had never seen anything more perfect in his life. The way they had always managed to just fit together so effortlessly. As if they had been made for one another. The familiar weight against his palm sent shivers down his spine and left him wanting more. If she only knew the physical ache that had anchored itself in the pit of his stomach whenever she looked at him with those hungry eyes; the inescapable urge to cover every inch of her with his lips and bury himself in her warmth was overwhelming. He began to move his hand in slow circles; her nipples tightening almost instantly in response. John found himself entranced by the way she bit down on her lip and without warning he leaned forward to let his lips collide with hers. The taste was all too comforting-all too inviting. Their tongues seeking solace from one another as they reacquainted themselves. It gave him the confidence he needed to persevere and continue with his ministrations; John pinched her rosebud tip and smiled into her kiss when she gasped aloud.

Anna began to run her hands up and down his arms and felt the goosebumps that spread across his skin peek beneath her fingertips. She stood up, but her hands never lost contact with his body. Anna leaned forward and motioned to undo his belt, her breast now hanging just within reach of his face. She hissed with gratification as his mouth latched onto her breast and sucked it gently before teasing her with his tongue.

He began to lift his hips once the belt was removed and discarded. She helped him slide his pants past his knees before letting them pool around his feet on the wood floor. It came as no surprise that he was already hard; he had felt his arousal straining against his thigh when she had fondled him moments earlier. But John was just as pleased to feel the moisture that had collected between her thighs and kissed her once more before guiding her towards him. He gestured for her to sit on his lap, so that she could control how far she was taking him in.

"You're knee," Anna replied with concern as she shook her head.

"I can manage," he said surely.

Anna smiled back at the warmth that she found embedded in his eyes. The same spark that had been there the first time they met was just as radiant as it had ever been. Just as she had done in previous exchanges, she wouldn't fight him or question him about his abilities. Even if she knew it would cause him pain, she'd rather keep silent than bruise his ego by pursuing it further. He gave his knee a pat once more and she acquiesced with an eager smile. Her legs straddled him and she took him in deep. It had been the longest they had ever gone without being joined in such a way since his time in prison. Her walls adjusted to his girth, stretching to accommodate him. She grimaced for a moment, but it felt like coming home.

"Are you alright?" John asked sweetly as he caressed her back.

She nodded her head up and down in response.

"I didn't hurt you did I?"

"No." Anna's body relaxed and in her own time she began to roll her hips.

John bit down on her shoulder gently as Anna's grip around his length varied in pressure with every move of her thighs. His legs trembled as he sought to keep up with her rhythm, while also fighting off his desire to let go inside of her. She ran her fingers through his hair before letting her hands settle at the nape of his neck, seeking something to hold onto. He responded by gripping her bottom and helping to control her speed. Knowing that he was already desperately close to giving in to temptation. After all it had been four months that they had gone without.

Their moans and breaths mimicked their bodies; tangling in a foggy haze. It was hard to tell where one began and the other ended. The temperature in the room rose and the vibrations of their bed was like sweet music come to life.

Anna was now holding onto his shoulders to gain some leverage as her body trembled and her bosoms were tickled by the feel of his coarse, chest hairs.

John knew he wouldn't last much longer, but he wanted her to reach her enjoyment before it was over. He reached his hand out and gently pressed his thumb against the tiny bundle at her center that would be the key to her undoing. Just as he predicted her breaths came in pants and her movements erratic, before her head flung back in surrender. John thrust into her a few more times; reaching depths he had not known were possible. Anna was positively on fire the way her body reacted to his prodding. He could feel her muscles convulsing and much as he hated to ruin her bliss he had to pull out soon. "Anna...I ha...I have to...I'm going to…," he choked on his own words as his eyes began to screw shut.

She recognized the gesture and climbed off of him quickly. John was about to reach for a handkerchief he'd left on the table but she stopped him to finish him off with a few gentle flicks of the wrist. The fluid sputtering out as his hips moved in parallel with her hand. He let out a guttural groan and let himself lean against the bed for support as she stared at him from the mattress. "I'm sorry," he said out of breath.

"Don't be," Anna replied as she covered herself up in the comforter. "You only did what I asked." Anna handed him the handkerchief now to help him clean up.

Their bodies were still covered in a sheen of sweat from their exertions.

John helped her to remove the soiled sheet, but worked in silence. He slid his pajamas on and laid down beside her. His motions almost automatic as he barely made eye contact with her.

"You're mad aren't you?" Anna asked with a look of disappointment.

"No," he responded quickly.

"Then...you didn't enjoy yourself?" she asked meekly.

"God no," John said as he turned to face her. He wrapped her in his arms and pushed a loose curl away from her face. "I enjoyed you far too much. I nearly lost control of myself. It just felt…"

"Different?"

"No...well...yes. But not in a bad way. It just felt wrong to not finish inside of you," he tried to explain. "I've gotten so used to dancing with a partner that it felt wrong to end things on my own."

"Oh," she replied.

"It's a compliment darling," he responded. "But I did enjoy myself. And I was glad we could be with one another like that again. Did you enjoy yourself?"

"I did," she replied back with a smile. "And yes, it was wonderful to be like that again. I almost regret the time we lost in between." She couldn't fault him for his earlier comment. She knew what he meant. In some ways it felt as though they were preventing something from happening that was meant to be. But she just couldn't commit to pursuing that dream again, at least not yet. "I love you, Mr. Bates," Anna said as she snuggled against his side. Her eyes closing as she slipped into sleep.

John smiled at the sound of his surname. "I love you too, Mrs. Bates," John replied as he stroked her back gently with his fingers. Helping to lull her into a state of slumber, while he laid there wondering why his mind was so conflicted about what they'd just done.