A/N: I feel so bad for not posting again for this story in such a long time. Hopefully it was well worth the wait. Big shout out to A-Lady-to-Me, Chisoxtam, and Terriejane. I hope you all enjoy this. Please review.

Part XVIII

It was supposed to be their half day; she had plans to go into the village to get some fabric and stock up on candles and food for the cottage. Anna had also meant to stop by the cemetery, it had been a few weeks since she had been able to make time to go. She supposed that meant she was making progress and moving on. It would just have to wait for some other time. Lady Mary had been more difficult than usual as her pregnancy was coming to an end and this had delayed her departure. And it wasn't as if they didn't need food in the cottage as they usually took to eating their meals at the abbey. But Anna had hoped to prepare something special for John for the way he had been so supportive and understanding over these past few months. They were returning from the shadows, slowly but surely. The love making had resumed but without the risk of her becoming pregnant which she could tell still bothered John, but Anna felt that it would protect them from getting hurt again. It tore her heart in two; knowing that her fear was denying both of them the opportunity at becoming parents again. She thanked the heavens everyday for sending her a man like John that was able to be so patient and willing to fulfill her every wish.

Anna paused a moment when she entered the door to the cottage. She knew that John had been able to leave the abbey on time, but had expected to find him waiting for her at home with his feet up and a book in his hand. Yet her senses were overcome by the indescribably delicious smell that was wafting from their cracked window and she thought she heard the sound of music coming from inside their home. When Anna turned the handle and pushed her way in, she was taken aback by the sight laid out before her. It appeared that her loving husband had spent the time that he had to himself to clean up around the house and get dinner started. She looked over to the secondhand phonograph that John had gotten her for their second wedding anniversary; the music filled her head with memories of all the private dances they had shared here in their living room. Her eyes sought him out and found a set of candles lit on the kitchen table that was set with china from his mother's home in London.

"You made it home sooner than I thought," he commented after checking on the chicken that was cooking. He wiped his hands on the small dish towel and leaned in to give her a kiss before wrapping his arms around her waist. When they pulled away, John turned her around to help her from her coat and hung it on the coat rack.

"It smells delightful," she complimented with a smile. "Can I help with anything?"

"No. I can manage. I was just about to start preparing a peach pie actually," he replied.

"Were you now?" Anna asked as she followed him into the kitchen. "I didn't know you knew how to bake. Did Mrs. Patmore help you out with a recipe?"

"Actually my mother taught me how a long time ago. I just haven't had the opportunity to show off my talent," he explained with a wink.

"Will you teach me?" she asked with piqued interest.

"Of course I will. But this was meant to be a surprise so you could relax," he insisted.

"I know. I feel like I haven't had much of a chance to spend time with you lately and I would like to very much...spend time with you," she said as her voice caught in her throat.

"Alright then go ahead and wash your hands first," he said with a smile.

Anna did as she was told and quickly tied her apron around her waist.

John handed her a knife and placed a basket full of peaches between them along with an empty bowl to place them in after they were done peeling. The two of them set to work, peeling peaches and cutting them into even slices. Anna mirrored John's actions at first, but once she got the hang of it the two fell into an easy rhythm. "They don't have to all be the same size. Variety is the spice of life," he said with a spark in his eye.

Anna smiled back affectionately at her husband. She had never seen him like this before and it was quite refreshing.

The temperature was rising in the kitchen not just from the heat coming off the oven, but from the warm summer day that was working its way inside. As John relayed everything his mother had taught him about making the filling their bodies inched closer; hips swaying back and forth in time with the music. Occasionally, their legs or arms would brush past one another and send a shiver down their spines. They would cast a glimpse out of the side of their eyes and catch that loving look that was reminiscent of the early days when whole conversations were comprised of a single stolen glance.

John set out a pie dish and another empty bowl in front of Anna and stood behind her as he continued to instruct her. His words echoed in her ear and filled her with devious thoughts. "You'll want to keep the ingredients cool, especially when it's this hot out otherwise your filling will begin to turn to mush." He helped her measure out three cups of flour and a pinch of salt to place in the other empty bowl. His large hands guided hers every step of the way. "Now we'll want to mix a bit of lard and butter into the mix. The lard will help make the crust flakey."

"Did your mother teach you to cook anything else?" Anna inquired.

"She tried," he said with a flush of red.

"Didn't take?" she asked.

"Well, you know me and my sweet tooth," he hinted.

"Ah yes. You can be quite insatiable," she teased before grabbing a peach slice from the bowl and plopping it in her mouth. As she bit down into the peach a small trail of juice seeped out and collected on her bottom lip.

He groaned emphatically back at her.

Anna then grabbed another slice and repeated the action, only this time she served it to John.

John gently took the fruit between his lips and chewed on it for a moment before swallowing it and licking the sweet peach juice off of his wife's finger tip. The action was all too tempting as the taste of fruit and Anna came together in the most intoxicating fashion. He picked up a fork and handed it to her to break up the lard and butter and place it into the bowl to mix with the flour and salt.

"How do you know how much to add?"

"The crust is quite forgiving, just don't forget the salt. That's essential."

"And the rest?"

"The rest is a lot like dancing," John said as he turned her to face him. He spun her easily with his hand before pulling her back into him. They began moving in circles to the music that spilled out from the phonograph. He held her close to him and their lips met in the most exquisite way. "You just need to start moving, there is no right or wrong way."

"Show me, please."

"I think that can be arranged," John answered back. He grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it sparingly into the bowl. "We aren't trying to make a soup. You don't need your crust to form a perfect ball. Too much water will make the batch bland and we can't have that."

Anna smiled impishly at John as his words reminded her of the night she went to his room with a tray of food when she thought he was being let go.

John worked his hands in tandem with hers in the bowl to mix the contents and form the dough. "We don't want to handle it too much. We want to keep it loose." He felt his arousal building as Anna tried to throw her whole body into the dough, causing her hips to move back into John's front. "Not so much force. Be gentle with it," he whispered. She eased up on her grip and let the dough crumble in her hands. "There you go," John encouraged.

When they were finished he took the slab of dough and set it out on a piece of wax paper and he gripped the rolling pin. John took a small bit of flour and rubbed it along the length of the wooden rolling pin so that the dough wouldn't stick to it. Together they flattened out the dough. Their hips rolling into one another and the two of them moaning with desire. Their bodies demanding instant gratification. Anna gladly would have let that chicken burn and those peaches spoil if it weren't for John keeping her on track with the intense focus flowing from his heated gaze.

When it was done he showed her to check for any holes or tears in the dough. "You'll want to use the heel of your hand to flatten out any imperfections. And you can use the dough from the edges to fill the holes. Nothing goes to waste."

Something about his voice sent shivers down her spine. It wasn't as if she hadn't heard him speak like this before. But having him show her how to do something was a reminder of the first time they had ever shared making love. How he had been so patient and understanding with her; never rushing her to do what she wasn't ready to do, but instilling confidence in her every step of the way. Hearing the way he spoke, it was easy to picture him as a scholar or an orator of sorts, his words so captivating and motivating. She wasn't minding the view either as his large arms, covered in hair moved with such precision and flexed with every move. Anna had been so caught up in looking at him, she hadn't realized he had stopped talking.

"Where were you just now?" he asked curiously.

"Somewhere far away," she whispered. "But I was happy because I was with you."

John smiled back at her, touched by her honesty.

"And then I came back and you were here as well. Always by my side," she added.

John let his flour covered hand caress her cheek, leaving evidence of the places he had been. He kissed her sweetly and replied back, "Always."

"Now what?"

"Now we fill the pie tin with the flattened dough and add the peaches and filling. Then we flip this part over on top."

"What if I mess it up?" she asked as her hand shook nervously.

"You wont. I'll make sure of it. And if we do, I'll mend it. A broken pie still tastes just as good," he said with a sultry voice.

Anna understood the hidden meaning in his words. She smiled back at her husband who still loved her so fiercely.

John let his palms rest against the back of her hand. They were so small in comparison to his and he could feel the cool metal of her wedding band, an image that brought a smile to his face. Together they flipped the crust on top of the pie and John carved out little "A" shapes into the crust to let it vent while it cooked. Then he placed the pie into the oven and clapped his hands against one another as a puff of flour filled the air. John washed his hands beside Anna and turned to hand her the dish cloth so she could dry her hands after him.

For the first time since they had started cooking Anna was able to look at him fully and noticed the sweat that had collected on his brow. His hair had fallen into disarray as an unruly lock fell into his face. She brushed it back and caught sight of his chest hair peeking out beneath his undershirt. The summer heat was becoming too much now and she began undoing the buttons of his shirt.

"Anna? What are you up to?" he asked. Though he was fairly certain he knew; the last few weeks it had been him initiating things and waiting to see if she wanted to go through with it.

"I've worked up quite an appetite, Mr. Bates, " she replied before letting her mouth consume his.

"Have you now?" he asked, though he could tell from the way her eyes had darkened and heart rate had increased beneath his touch that she was well past insatiable. "The chicken will be ready shortly," he said feigning innocence.

"That's not quite what I had in mind," she replied with a raised eyebrow.

Their limbs were still tangled together. His braces and trousers were cast into a pile on the other side of the room and her undergarments had formed a trail from the small kitchen to John's arm chair. He wanted to take her upstairs to make love to her where it was more comfortable, but neither seemed to be concerned with comfort at the time as they were caught up in one another. The table hadn't been an option as it was already set for dinner. They had settled on the settee but had ended up on the sitting room rug. He had already finished, but as her fingers danced across the happy trail that led from his belly to his manhood she could feel his length throbbing once more. It was like a beacon seeking her out. Anna had heard stories as a young girl from women in the town she grew up in who had said that the passion in a marriage gave out with age. But that was clearly not the case with her husband.

John watched as her forehead scrunched and she bit her bottom lip. She was contemplating something, he could tell. "Anna, love. What's the matter?" John asked as he brushed a small flour fingerprint from her cheek.

"I can't say...you'll think me foolish."

"You? Never," he teased. But when she didn't smile back at his words he grew concerned and became serious. "Come now. I can't fix it if you don't tell me."

She knew it would do no good to leave him in the dark. He'd only drive himself mad with worry trying to figure it out. "I was thinking...I wish you hadn't pulled away... just before you released." She hoped he caught the meaning of her words.

"I...but I only did what you…"

"What I asked. Yes I know," she said. "And it was a horrible thing to ask of you." Anna wished she could just come out with it. It wasn't as if she was afraid of his reaction, it was just she felt so unsure of herself. She couldn't seem to make up her mind anymore. Anna wanted them to be able to let go of all their inhibitions, but at what cost? This was deeper. Of all the things in life that were uncertain, John had always made her feel certain. It wasn't that he didn't anymore. It was that their future was still so uncertain. She thought that after his release a happy ending was just the next natural step and instead it seemed they were simply doomed to fail.

"Anna, I won't claim to enjoy it. I mean..." he cleared his throat before correcting himself. "I enjoy it, of course. I still find pleasure in what we share." John hoped he wasn't failing miserably at this and putting her off to the idea of sex all together. "It's just that I feel like I'm having to be more mindful of not letting go to the point that I can't get fully lost in you like we used to." He could see the sense of understanding taking over her face.

"I've noticed. I've missed that too..." she whispered. He was right. She knew he was. It didn't feel the same. She could sense it in his actions and by the look on his face that he wasn't with her the way he normally was. John was trying so hard to please her while also being mindful of just how far he could push the limit that he wasn't fully able to enjoy himself. And that had always been part of her enjoyment-knowing that they had both reached their ends together.

"I completely understand your reasoning though and if it's what you want I'll do it," he reaffirmed.

Anna let out a sigh of relief, but there were still dark thoughts clattering around in her brain. Ones that wouldn't leave her alone and were conflicting with what her heart told her was right. That they had to move on. "I've just been thinking lately. I'm wasting our time. We could have been pregnant already," she said with tears in her eyes. "Another baby could have already been on it's way. But I'm the one holding us back. Holding you back from having children."

"My darling, I do not consider any time spent with you as wasted. I do want children. But I hope you understand I never wanted them until I met you. I didn't marry you so I could have children. I want children because of how much I love you. Because I want to see a little version of you and me toddling around here. And because of how happy I know it would make you. How happy it would make us."

His words filled her with hope. He always knew what to say to make her feel better and assuage her fears.

"Anna, I loved you long before we had David. And I'll love you long after him. Whether we have other children in our future or not will not belittle what we already share. Please tell me you understand that." Somehow saying his name still stung even as they were going on six months since she had lost the baby. They say time heals all wounds. This was one wound that John was sure would always hurt no matter how much time passed. It was just as Helen had said.

"I do," she said with conviction.

"Then what's brought all this on?"

"It dawned on me today, while I was helping Lady Mary into one of her dresses that David would have been here by now," she said. It was a painful reminder of how much time had passed. "And soon she'll have a baby of her own… I just don't think I can be there anymore…"

"Then you don't have to. We make more than enough to get by on my wages. And whenever you want to try again we will. But I don't want you putting pressure on yourself to have children just for my sake out of some preconceived obligation or duty." Even though they had been assured they could try again, he knew that at the end of the day it would be her body that would go through changes again. She would bear the weight of their child. And if another miscarriage happened, it would be Anna that would suffer the most from another loss. "It will happen when it is meant to happen, my love."

Anna nodded her head in agreement as John brushed his lips against her forehead.

They laid there in silence a little longer before John rose to change back into his clothes and check on the food.

Anna silently admired her husband's naked form. She knew he didn't think much of himself and he still couldn't understand what she found so appealing about him, but there was something about his bulky frame, covered so liberally with hair that reminded her how lucky she was to be with a real man. How foolish she had been to ever pine over any of the young footman that had graced the servants hall in her early days at Downton. And then her thoughts drifted back to their conversation mere moments before. A weight still rested upon her chest and she hated it. She hated that it seemed to be ruling her life and that no amount of talking to her husband seemed to rid her of this guilt completely. The guilt that she was preventing them from living the life they should. Anna knew until his dying days he would tell her it made no difference, that they had each other and it was all that mattered. But she could see that there was just as much of a weight hanging on his shoulders as there was on hers.

John shrugged his shirt back on and pulled his trousers up. He looked over at Anna and saw her let out a heavy sigh as she toyed with a loose thread on the floor rug. John did the same as he stood up straight. He turned one more time before leaving the sitting room taking in the image of his wife who appeared to have far too much of the world on her shoulders. He walked into the kitchen wishing with everything he had that he could take away all of Anna's burdens, and make their lives the peaceful haven they both so yearned for.

They feasted on the chicken and the pie. They made idle chit chat about things going on at the abbey. John being sure to avoid anything that involved Lady Mary or the arrival of the new baby. The sound of their cutlery against the plates made for a nice background noise along with the music. "I forgot to tell you. You got a letter from your mother today," John said a little too excitedly. He was so grateful to have something to talk about that might shift focus from their earlier discussion.

"Oh?" Anna asked with interest.

"Yes, I left it in my coat pocket. The delivery boy dropped it off as I was on my way out the door this afternoon." John stood from the table to retrieve the letter. He held it out for Anna, hoping it contained good news.

Anna placed the bit of pie on her fork in her mouth and chewed on it as she tore into the letter. Her eyes moved back and forth at quick pace as she read through her mother's words.

John sat back down across from her and watched her eagerly. The expression on her face was unreadable when she looked back up at him. "Well?" he asked.

"My mother has invited us to come down to the farm," she said.

"That sounds lovely," he replied with an optimistic smile.

"She says they will be getting ready to bring in the harvest soon and they could use the help."

"Well, that seems like a reasonable request."

"I suppose. I feel as though she's using it as a reason to get me to come home so that she can check on me," Anna assumed.

"Would that really be so bad? She is your mother after all," John stated.

"Since when do you take up arms for my mother?" Anna asked suspiciously.

"I don't. But she is your mother and I'm trying to make an effort to get on her good side. Besides, I don't have a mother anymore. If she was still alive asking me to come home, no matter the reason, I'd be jumping at the chance to do so," John said as he pushed his pie around his plate. In all honesty the trip had been his idea. John suspected that with the arrival of Lady Mary's baby, Anna would have a hard time continuing work at the abbey. He thought a few weeks away might do her some good.

Anna looked over the letter once more with her lips pursed together. "Will you come with me? If his Lordship will allow it of course."

"I don't imagine I'll be able to get away for long. But I will certainly see if a small get away can be arranged," John said with a wink and tender smile.