A/N: Finn's song is "Secret" by the Pierces.
In Three Words, I can Sum up Everything I've learned about Life: It Goes On
Robert Frost
From the first notes, I could see what Rachel had meant by creepy. The few notes were odd, more like they were being plinked out on a xylophone instead of a guitar or piano.
Then Finn started on the lyrics, and the hair on the back of my neck rose. It wasn't singing and it wasn't chanting, but something in between. Finn's voice was soft and low, a childlike lilt. Rachel was right, this was very weird.
Got a secret
Can you keep it
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it
In your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you
Then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead
Now my skin was crawling. This song would have been creepy enough if one of the girls had sung it, but in Finn's lower Bari-tenor, it took on a whole new level of disturbing. A quick glance around the room revealed that every person, including Sam, was staring with open mouths.
Why do you smile,
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you have sworn to keep it
But no one keeps a secret,
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds do we tell?
They burn in our brains, become a living hell
Cause everybody tells
Everybody tells
What made it even worse was Finn's utter stillness. I could see why he wouldn't bother with choreography, given his...er...complete lack of skills in that area, but he could have swayed or something. It was like he was casting a spell on us.
Got a secret
Can you keep it
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it
In your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you,
Then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead
Now he moved, reaching his hand to me and crooking his fingers as if he was calling me to him.
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By the secrets that you're keeping?
Slowly, he rotated his hand. My eyes followed it as if he really had hypnotized me. What was Finn doing?
Something freaky. Let this be a reminder to you, Kurt. Finn is doing great. Finn is healing well. But Finn will never be who he was. His mental injuries will close, but they will never completely heal.
I know what you're keeping
I know what you're keeping
Got a secret
Can you keep it
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it
In your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you
Then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead
Finn's eyes flicked over to Rachel, who looked like she didn't know what to do. This was a powerful performance, maybe the best one I had seen Finn give, which she had to love. She was always after us to move out of our comfort zone and try something new. On the other hand, I'm not sure that a clear display of his mental instability was the best choice. He segued smoothly into the speaking part
"Rachel?"
"Yes Finn?" Regardless of her personal hesitations, Rachel is a consummate performer. She wouldn't do anything to mess up his piece.
"I have something I want to tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone."
His eyes were so serious, as if they were having a real conversation. It was enough to make me wonder what the two of them talked about when I wasn't around.
"I promise"
"Do you swear on your life?"
"I swear on my life"
Just as quickly, he was back to singing. This time, though, he didn't focus on me, or Rachel. He looked from person to person, making eye contact with each. It was exactly what we had been told to do with the judges at competitions. It was like everything had clicked for Finn at once and he had become the ultimate performer.
You swore you'd never tell
You swore you'd never tell
You swore you'd never tell
You swore you'd never tell
He was slowly speeding up. At first I thought it was a mistake on his part, but the music was speeding as well. It added to the claustrophobic, out of control vibe of the song. Finn bounced once on his toes, revving up for his finale
Got a secret
Can you keep it
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it
In you pocket
Taking this one to the gave
If I show you
Then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead
Got a secret
Can you keep it
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it
In your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you
Then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead
Got a secret
Can you keep it
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it
In your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you
Then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of us is dead
By the end he was going to fast that he had almost turned the song into a tongue-twister. The tension levels were so high that I thought I might scream. When he abruptly slowed down, I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.
Yes, two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead
Yes. Two can keep a secret
If one of us is dead.
For a few seconds we all sat spellbound, unable to move. For the most part, our songs tend to fall into the same categories. Broadway, 80's rock, some modern pop. Finn had done something completely different and, more importantly, he had pulled it off.
When the applause finally came, it was deafening. Finn flushed and ducked his head, looking just like his old self. "Thanks."
Mr. Shue applauded. "Finn, that was excellent." This, naturally, caused Finn to turn even redder and bury his face in my shoulder. He likes getting special attention and praise from the teacher, but it still embarrasses him.
"Watching Finn up there gave me an idea for this week's assignment. Finn stepped out of his comfort zone and tried something entirely new. And you know what? He was a star. I want all of you to find a song that you would never look twice at and bring it for the group. We aren't going to win anything if we let ourselves get in a rut.
He blathered on, and I took the opportunity to press a quick kiss to Finn's temple when no one was looking. I whispered in his ear. "Do you still have secrets Finn?"
"Everyone has secrets." He was evading me.
"About Joseph and Lily?"
"There are always secrets about Joseph and Lily." He wrapped an arm around me. "I'll tell you them when I'm ready."
Since Finn had already performed, he was excused from this week's assignment. He could still do something if he wanted, but he didn't have to. So it didn't look suspicious at all that he stuck by my side and offered suggestions. "Do something cool. Do the Beatles."
"The Beatles isn't new or different. You did the Beatles last year." I was leaning towards something crazier, like a techno piece.
"They don't have to be different for me. It's different for you, and that's what the assignment is.
He had a point. "Do you have a song in mind?"
"Eleanor Rigby. That's good one."
It was also depressing. "What about something a little more upbeat?"
"It's your song." He shrugged like he didn't care either way.
Since he had made an actual suggestion, I pulled the music for Eleanor Rigby and put the song aside.
The whole Glee club was quiet except for occasional soft bursts of laughter and a few lines being sung. So it was very easy to hear the tentative knock on our door. It was Dad and Carole. They both looked strained as she called out. "Mr. Shuester? I'm sorry, but I need to check Finn and Kurt out early today."
Instead of going to her, Finn took two steps backwards. We wouldn't be pulled early for no reason, and surprises were never good to him. I nudged the back of his leg with my foot to move him forward and grabbed my backpack.
I wanted to wait until we were in the car to ask what was going on, but Finn had other plans. As soon as the choir room door closed behind us. He stopped and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why are you guys here?"
I think he was trying to sound tough, but it came out scared. Dad signaled him to come forward. "We can discuss it in the car.
"I want to know now." His voice rose a little. He wasn't loud yet, but I knew that he would have to trouble getting loud if he felt like he needed to.
"Would you like to discuss plea bargains in the hall?" Carole's voice was pleasant, but didn't allow for a lot of argument.
Finn tensed up and dropped his head. "No. We can discuss it in the car." He walked out without any further comment.
People looked at the four of us, but no one was brave enough to say anything in front of our parents. Finn was oddly calm, as if he had been expecting that it would come to this all along. Once the car doors had closed, he leaned back. "Who wants a plea bargain?"
"They both do." This time it was Dad who spoke. "Finn, you're almost an adult now, and your opinion matters. It might not be everything, but you do have the right to tell us whether you wan to accept the deal or not."
"Ok. What's the deal?" He sounded calm, but I could see the way he clenched his hands together.
"I'm not exactly sure. They want us to come to the station so we can talk about it."
"Oh."
"Just remember, listen to everything they say and ask for clarification if you don't understand something. This is important." Dad was serious in the mirror.
Great, way to put the pressure on him. I shot Dad a death glare in the mirror. I know that he likes to lay things straight out with Finn, but he could do it with a little finesse.
The combined Hudson-Hummel family are pretty much the rock stars of the Lima PD, so we were called back quickly. While we waited, Finn chatted up one of the rookie cops, prattling on about football and other things I didn't understand. I know that it's his way of keeping his mind off of things, but it still drove me crazy. Why wasn't he more worried?
"Hey Finn. I'm glad you could make it so quickly." It was Officer Davis.
"Hi. I'm missing Glee for this, so I hope it's good."
One of the reasons Finn gets away with being mouthy is that he does it in such a blank way that it makes you unsure if he's really being mouthy or not. Or maybe Officer Davis was used to people being far ruder. "Both Mr. and Mrs. Wright are requesting plea bargains. Do you understand what a plea bargain is?"
"Uh-huh. They admit that they did it, so there isn't any trial. Then they get a shorter sentence."
"Right. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Lily." He didn't hesitate at all.
"Lily will not be charged with Noah Puckerman's murder. Nor will she be charged with any sex crimes relating to Finn. She agrees to plead guilty to kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, and concealing a death. She will also testify against Joseph in regards to the murder and sex crimes."
"Ok."
"No."
Finn and Carole spoke at the same time, and looked at each other in surprise. Carole glared at him. "Finn, it's not enough."
He was unfazed. "It will never be enough. They can't ever replace Puck or repay taking him away. But…I think it's what we can get." He nodded to himself. "Lily didn't kill Puck. Joseph did. I think she knew he would do it, but we can't prove that. So we probably won't win a trial for murder. No ones going to believe she raped me either. I'd rather not try at all then have her get off and me look like a liar. Then if she testifies against Joseph, it will be two against one, not one against two. He'll definitely go to jail."
"Finn…." But Carole couldn't say any more then that, because he was right. Sacrifices are made every day, and Finn was more then willing to make this one. Of course he was. Lily was the one he liked, and the one he still made excuses for.
"It's ok. It happened, and we know it. You believe me. And she's still going to go to jail for a long time. Kidnapping and concealing a death are big deals, right?"
Officer Davis nodded. "She'll serve a minimum of 15 years, and a maximum of life in prison."
"I think she should get life. She took Puck's life away, and she should have to give hers up, too. It's only fair."
"You'll be able to give a statement in front of the judge. You don't need to tell him or her what happened, because that doesn't really matter. What you'll tell them is how it affected you, and how it still affects you. Tell him about not being in school, and about any other troubles you're having. If it's sleeping problems, if it's anxiety, if it's anger issues, think about all of that and tell him." He looked at the rest of us. "That applies to the rest of Finn's family as well. Make the judge understand that Noah's death was the stone in the water, and the ripples are still being felt."
Finn nodded, and I knew that every sleepless night, every day he looked as us and couldn't speak, every time he wanted to touch me but was afraid to do so was flashing through his mind. It was certainly flashing through mine. "What about Joseph?"
"He pleads guilty to all charges. Murder, rape, kidnapping. He gets life in prison without the possibility of parole. In exchange, we take the death penalty off the table."
"No. I don't like that one." Again, he was firm and unyielding. "I want him to get the death penalty."
"You do understand that if he takes the deal in this state, he can still be tried for, and receive the death penalty in other states?"
Finn thought that over. "But if I say let the other state do it, and the other state says let the other state do it, and that state says let the other state do it, what if it doesn't get done? Someone has to do it, and it has to be us."
"Ok. Finn, your opinions will be taken into consideration, but I can't give you any guarantees. Do you have any questions for me?"
"I…um…I don't think so. I think you should say yes to Lily's deal and no to Joseph's."
All of this could have been done over the phone, but it never was. Finn doesn't seem to mind going to the station, but it stressed the rest of us out.
"Is there anything the rest of you would like to add?"
Plenty. I wanted to scream at him that we wouldn't take any deal, period. We could win at trial, and then Joseph could be punished to the fullest extent of the law. The other half of me wanted to yell at Finn to just take the deals that were offered. No more trials, no worrying that one or both of them could end up getting off.
Since I couldn't decide between those two things, and saying them both would make me look like a lunatic, I shook my head weakly. Dad spoke up. "Do we have a little time to think about this? Sometimes things might look different after you sleep on it a night or two.
That was a good and tactful way to handle it. "We have a meeting with the lawyers tomorrow at noon. I can give you until 11am."
It was the best we were going to get, so we all nodded. We were almost out the door before Finn spoke up. "Wait. Can we add something to the deal?"
"We can try. What do you have in mind?"
"She has to give the names. All of the people they took, and what happened to them. She knows who they are, and she needs to tell."
I had pushed the thought of the other victims to the back of my mind. If I could have, I would have shoved them out entirely. That could have been my Finn. One night earlier or later for the murder plan, and he would be decomposing in the desert, instead of talking to us right now.
Clearly, though, Finn thought about them a lot. "She's given us some names, but I'll push for her to be required to add more. You have to remember, though, that she might not know all of their names. We're talking about many victims."
"She knows." Finn shook his head. "She has to know."
It was hard to tell if he knew that because Lily had said something to him, or it was just wishful thinking. "I'll do what I can."
Finn smiled, but it was his strange new one. The one that looked like an adults, closed-lipped and nowhere near his eyes. His usual smile lights his face up. This one looked almost confused, as if he had no idea why he was doing it. "Thank you."
As soon as we started home, he put his hand on my thigh. At first he was touching closer to my knee, but he was slowly easing upwards. I held my breath, not sure what was happening. Was this a good thing or a bad thing?
I met Finn's eyes, and he grinned a little. This was more of his normal smile, and it left no doubt as to what he was thinking. I tapped his knee twice to let him know that I got the message.
Which was…
That I was getting lucky tonight, one way or another. While I never pushed Finn, I wasn't going to turn him down either. He leaned over and whispered in my ear. "You know, I could suck it if you wanted."
And just like that, my pants were suddenly much tighter. "Uh…"
"Just if you wanted." Now he looked like the Cheshire Cat. He knew full well that he was getting me hot, and he liked it.
I threw my jacket over my lap. "Finn Hudson!"
I was a littler louder then I intended to be and drew both of our parent's attention. Carole turned around. "What's going on back there?"
"We're happy." Finn leaned forward and rested his arms on the front seat. "I was awesome in Glee today, and I'm going to help Kurt pick a song so he'll be awesome, too."
The lie was smooth and believable, which got us both off the hook. "Put your seatbelt on, please."
"Ok." He sat back and buckled up, but not before giving me a saucy wink. Whatever he was thinking about, it certainly pleased him.
I'm pretty sure that it's going to please you as well. Just sayin.
Once we got inside the house, Finn couldn't ditch our parents fast enough. "I want to go downstairs and think about the deals, ok? Let me think about it for me first. We can talk about it as a family at dinner. But it has to be my choice first. Come on, Kurt. I have a song for you."
I'm pretty sure that Finn has something to for me, but a song isn't it. He bounced down the stairs, jumping over the last four or five and spinning in circles at the bottom. "Come on, come on."
He pulled me off the staircase and into his arms giving me enthusiastic kisses. I wrapped myself around him and kissed back. One had slid up under my shirt and scrabbled at my back. He couldn't do much to undress me without letting go, but he was putting forth his best effort. I pulled back. "You're enthusiastic."
"We won!" His smile could have lit the sun. "You don't ask to forfeit the game when you're the one who's winning. People believed me, not them. That means that I win."
His confidence was up, and he was willing to move forward because of it. I rubbed his neck, his back, down his arms. Anything to encourage him, and remind him that I was here and I loved him. I wouldn't let anything happen to him.
Finn walked us both backwards until he could drop me onto the bed. Once that happened, he drew back and studied me like he was seeing me for the first time. As always, I wondered what he was looking at, and what he saw in me that I didn't see in myself.
"So, what do you want?" His head cocked to the side, and I knew that he was sizing me up.
"What do I….." I had no idea what he was really asking.
"Me to do. Did you want me to suck it? Because I'm really good at it." Now his hands were on his hips, and I knew that he was challenging me. Well, I could certainly rise to that challenge.
I think you already rose to the challenge.
"Yes. I want you to suck it." My voice was strong, which was a surprise. Usually I gave Finn a million chances to back out of anything we did. I never just told him what I wanted and left it at that. The time had come to trust Finn, and that he would speak up for himself.
"You kind of have to take your pants off. I think I might tear them, and then no ones getting any sex stuff." His eyes crinkled with amusement.
Oh, right. Right, I needed to get my pants off. Now. Right now, before one of us freaked out and froze. This led to some extremely undignified wiggling around. Finn, whose clothes never fit him right anyway, just rolled his eyes and dropped his jeans without any fuss. "You could make this a lot easier on yourself, you know."
"Shut up." I ripped my pants and underwear off in one motion. "Ok, I'm ready. Should I, um, sit up or…."
"Yeah. Sit up on the edge of the bed, ok? That's the easiest." He was still staring, as if he had never seen me naked before.
I would have expected Finn to either just get down to business or shy back, but he did neither. He leaned forward to kiss my lips, then down my neck. Ok, this was hot. I liked this big time.
One hand rested on my thigh, and I thrust towards it. If I didn't get some relief soon, I might expire on the spot. "Finn, please."
"Ok. Cause you asked." I couldn't see his face, but I knew that he was smiling.
With surprising grace, he knelt down, balancing on one knee like he was about to propose. Some words were grumbled but I couldn't understand them. Probably just Finn giving himself a pep talk.
I've spent at least three years wondering about sexual things. Who would it be with? When? And, most importantly, what would it feel like?
Finn tapped my thigh once, almost like he was warning me, and wrapped his lips around my cock. Holy shit. No matter what I had been imagining, it couldn't compare to the actual thing. This was like I had died and gone to a Prada outlet store. One that was having a 90% off sale. If this was a blow job, sex was going to actually kill me. "Fuck, Finn."
He obviously knew what he was doing, and had done this enough that he didn't hesitate or choke. I scrabbled at his shoulder. "Finn. Finn please." I wasn't sure if I was screaming or whispering or even speaking at all.
"Hmmmmm?" His throat vibrated and this time I was sure that I sounded like a strangled cat. I bucked into his mouth, forcing my dick further down his throat and God I didn't even care.
He pulled back a bit, just enough to quirk one eyebrow at me. When I had full verbal abilities back, I was going to be scathing. I was going to…ummm…..
Meanwhile, Finn seemed to have grown at least another pair of hands, and an extra tongue. There was no other way he could be doing what he was. One finger ran up my thigh, stopping just short of my ass. It was that thought, and the thought that one day he wouldn't stop, and this would go to the end that pushed me over the edge.
Blow job etiquette (and yes, there is such a thing), said that I needed to warn him so he would have time to pull off if he didn't want to swallow. It made for a good plan, but good plans don't take into account what it's like to be a 17 year old boy with the person he loved. Before I could give him any warning, my body stiffened up and I came down his throat. Finn didn't seem surprised by it, and swallowed expertly. When he was done, he crawled up next to me and put his chin on my shoulder. "It was good? Was it good?"
I twisted around to kiss the side of his neck, scraping my teeth right below his ear. "Sorry."
He sighed, just like he always did when I touched him there. "You didn't like it? You came really fast and Joseph said that I'm a good little cocksucker."
Hearing him say things like that never failed to make me flinch. We could be having the most normal conversation in the world, and suddenly he would pop up with something Joseph had done to terrorize him, or how he was a good cocksucker, and it felt just like I had been punched in the gut. I hated the fact that Finn had normalized even a tiny bit of what had been done to him.
Finn gave me a quick head butt. "Kurt?"
"You were great, Finn. I just should have warned you that I was going to come so you didn't have to swallow."
He paled. "Why? What happens if you swallow? Am I going to get cancer or something? Because I always swallowed with him."
I had to reassure him. "Nothing will happen to you. Some people just don't like to swallow, and you should have had the choice?"
"Are you sure?" He was giving me a look that said he didn't quite believe me. "Because what are you supposed to do with it if you don't swallow it? Just spit it out? That's gross."
It's hard to remember that as experienced as Finn has become, he's equally naïve. If Joseph told him something (or didn't tell him, as the case might be), he accepted it as the truth and the only truth. "I'm sure. If you don't want to swallow it, you don't have to. You can either spit it out, or you can just pull off and finish with your hand. If you want to do it, you can, but you shouldn't feel like you have to."
"Ok." He still seemed a little uncertain. "But I don't really care if I swallow or not. It's just easier."
"That's fine, just as long as you know that you don't have to." He was starting to get worked up, so I went for the distraction instead. "But let's not worry about that right now. Right now, I think I owe you something…." I trailed off and raised my eyebrows at him.
His look went from puzzled to aroused in the space in a second. "Yeah?"
"I think so." I ran my hand down his neck and side, easing it around his hip. Please, please. Oh, thank Prada, he was still hard. I rubbed gently, and he whined. I tugged lightly on the waistband of his boxer shorts. "Can you take them off?"
"Yeah. That would be good." He jumped up and stated fumbling with his clothes. "Yeah, right now, take my clothes off, that would be good. Um, yeah."
Nerves and excitement made him clumsier then usual, but it was still endearing as he finally conquered his T-shirt and underwear. It was the first time I had seen Finn hard, and for a minute I just stared.
Proportion is the rule for a reason, and Finn was certainly proving it. He wasn't much longer then I was, but there was a significant difference in thickness. How was I supposed to blow him, much less have him put that thing inside of me. "Well, hello."
He gave a nervous squirm. "Are you talking to my dick?"
"Just getting to know it. Now come on." I tried to keep my voice level and not sound at all like I was terrified. I had no idea what I was doing, but I didn't want to let Finn know that. He was skittish enough as it was.
Ok, I could do this. Taking a cue from Finn's earlier actions, I climbed up to kiss him first. The mouth, the jaw, down the side of his neck. All the places he liked and was familiar with. With one hand, I went down his body, stroking and caressing. His heart pounded when I went down his chest, echoing as counted each rib. "Ready?"
"Yeah. Now, please." He was trying to sound tough, but the cracking voice and soft 'please' told a different story.
My hand was shaking, but I wrapped my fingers around his cock. Despite a million fantasies, I never thought that this would actually happen. Finn's skin was hot, almost burningly so. He whimpered when I stroked, which helped give me a little confidence. I kept my movements slow, but tightened my grip. "Like this?"
He nodded frantically. "Yeah, like that. Just like that."
I had forgotten the lube somewhere, and the thought of using spit was just disgusting, so I had to be gentle. He was already leaking a little, which helped. I ran my thumb over the tip; smearing the fluid and making his eyes roll a little.
His unfettered reactions helped. I was the one making him react like this. He liked what I was doing to him. That made me feel powerful. Not in the way that Joseph had been powerful. He had the power because Finn had no choice to comply with him. I had the power because Finn could leave at any time, and he was choosing to stay and let me do this. He could push me away, he could run, he could scream until our parents came. But he wouldn't. He trusted me to do this.
I couldn't help but stare down at what I was doing. When I touched myself, I did it as quickly as possible. In the shower was best, since I didn't have to deal with the mess at all, but under the cover was my second choice. That way I didn't have to look at my own body. If I had my way, I wouldn't have done it at all, but the only thing worse then actively touching myself was waking up with my 400thread count sheets soiled and sticky.
But this was different. My own body was familiar to me, even though I tried not to acknowledge it. But Finn's body was a mystery. The weight of him in my hand, the way his stomach jerked while he tried to catch his breath. That was new, and it was amazing.
He whined again, pushing more forcefully against my hand. It seemed pretty clear, so I sped up a bit, feeling his cock jerk a little. He was leaking steadily now, making everything slick.
When I glanced up at his face, his dark eyes were closed, moving back and forth behind the lids as if he was dreaming. "Finn?"
One eye cracked, and he gave me a grumbly groan that I chose to interpret as 'what?' and 'don't stop'. "Just making sure you were still with me."
"Yes. I'm…." He broke off into soft whimpers. "Fuck."
He slammed his hips upward, fucking my hand. He was falling apart right underneath me and it was absolutely amazing. One hand scrambled in the covers, grabbing a handful and fisting it. His body gave one final jerk as he exploded all over his chest and stomach. I slowed down and eased up, gently milking the last bit out to dribble over my hand. I had never once watched myself all the way through, and I couldn't deny that it was fascinating. "Wow, Finn."
He smiled shyly at me but didn't say anything. But what was he supposed to say? Good job? Nice fuck? Wanna do it again? None of those were right. I wanted Finn to know that I understood what a gift he had just given me, but I didn't know how to tell him that without embarrassing him.
I settled for grabbing a handful of tissues and wiping as much of the mess up as I could. He laughed and wiggled away from me. "That was awesome."
I couldn't agree more.