A/N: Well we are in the home stretch now folks. I can't thank my two betas for this enough A-Lady-To-Me and Terriejane. I hope you all have enjoyed this story as much as I have writing it.
Part XXII
The harvest had gone over successfully, though John was still dismayed they didn't reach the numbers he was hoping for. It would mean that Helen was going to have to give up the farm. A thought that brought him great pain, which had come as a surprise. It seemed that in the short time they had been there John had already fallen in love with the farm. Not only was it working wonders on healing he and his wife's spirits, but John was finding it easier to imagine a life here, instead of by the sea. He walked in after helping drop off the last load with David and dabbed at the sweat on his forehead with a handkerchief. John stopped in his tracks when he saw Anna standing in the kitchen by herself, rolling out some dough on the kitchen table. "Mmmm, something sure smells good," John hummed as he made his way over a little faster than before.
"I'm making pie," Anna replied. "I thought it would be a nice little treat to celebrate the fruits of our labor and as a nice little send off before we leave." She smiled as the words left her mouth but the tone of her voice did not betray her feelings. He could already see the homesick look in her eyes and they wouldn't be leaving for another two days.
"That sounds perfect," he commented as he helped himself to a glass of water. John took a moment to admire his wife as he thought back on their evening activities the night before. He took his time finishing off the glass and grinned proudly as he watched Anna make the pie just as he had shown her. John leaned against the door frame that separated the kitchen from the sitting room. He took a look around to make sure no one was listening in on their conversation, "What would you think about us staying here?"
Anna paused for a second her hands stopping their actions. She turned slowly to look at him as she wiped the flour from her hands with a dishcloth. She couldn't have possibly heard him correctly. "Stay?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
John nodded his head in confirmation.
Anna stood in silence as she processed his words. She set the dishcloth down on the table. "But what about our home...at Downton?" Anna inquired.
"Well we've always talked of leaving eventually," he pointed out.
"And our jobs?"
"We could start fresh here on the farm. We'd have to return for a short while to give our notices of course. And train our replacements, but I think it's for the best."
"What about the hotel?" she asked softly.
John was beginning to second guess himself. Maybe suggesting a move here wasnt the best idea. "We can still try for the hotel when you want to-if you want to," he corrected himself. "I just know that you've been so different since we arrived. It's like you were always meant to be on the farm. You've blossomed before my eyes." The corner of his lips quirked as he imagined how much happier Anna might be here and what positive changes the future might hold for them.
"And what of our baby? Do we just forget about him?" she asked.
The mention of David made him feel as though his heart were being crushed in a vice. John winced at the suggestion and snapped his eyes shut as her words struck a chord.
"I'm sorry," Anna said as her head dropped down. She stood helplessly staring at her feet. "I shouldn't have said that. I know you'd never suggest such a thing. It was just so hard leaving when I knew it was for a short time. To make a permanent move...it would be like we were abandoning him."
"I don't like the idea of leaving him behind any more than you do. But I see no other way for us to move on properly." There was no way to say it without sounding hurtful. The past seemed to always be haunting them if they lived in the shadows of Downton. Vera. Prison. David. John wouldn't deceive himself into believing that the past could be avoided or escaped by simply picking up and leaving. But a little distance might be enough to provide them some relief and a chance at a fresh start. At least here, Anna wouldn't have to start over from scratch. She would have her family to keep her company as she adjusted back to her surroundings. They both would.
John crossed the room and placed the glass down next to the sink before letting his hands loop around Anna's waist. She had put on some weight since they had arrived and it did his heart a world of good to know that her health was improving. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She closed her eyes as she leaned into his touch. "It wouldn't have to be now and there is no pressure to say yes. But I want you to think about it. That's all I ask," John's voice said in a whisper.
A small tear slipped from the corner of her eye and Anna nodded her head in agreement as John wiped it away and kissed her lips. "I was thinking, maybe after church tomorrow we could go on a picnic. Steal away a moment for ourselves before we return to real life."
Anna smiled up at him as she ran a finger across his jawline. "I think that would be lovely."
John took a seat on the porch beside Mrs. Smith as they watched the sun go down. The others were inside occupying themselves with a game of cards after dinner had been cleared away. "You haven't told her?" she asked softly.
John sat in the rocking chair beside her. "No," he let out with a groan as he settled into the chair. There was more walking than he was used to, but at least there were less stairs on the property. "And I wont tell her for as long as you want me to."
"I appreciate that," Helen said under her breath as she tried to keep her voice down. "But I think it would be worth telling her tomorrow. I want to give her a chance to say goodbye to the property, maybe even take a keepsake before you both leave."
"What if I told you I think I might have a solution to your problem?"
"But you said we still didn't meet the numbers we needed to pay the bank," she reminded him.
"Well, it wasn't enough to pay off the debt, but it was enough to make a payment. And it looks as though you've been able to hit those numbers in the past."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I think with more help and resources you could be headed in the right direction to make good on your commitments to the bank."
"And where do you suggest I get the money from to dig myself out of the hole I am in?"
"From us," he replied simply. "Anna and I we've been putting money away for God knows how long in hopes of running a business of our own eventually. Maybe even having some money left over so our family could live comfortably," he paused for a second. Wondering if that dream would ever come true for them. "I realize now that getting her to leave Downton may never come to pass. But I'd want someone to benefit from our hard work. So even if I can't ever convince her to consider a life here, I'd like to know that at least her family was taken care of."
Helen's eyes began to pool with tears at the offer. "After the way I treated you when we first met. Why do such a thing?"
John let out a sigh and a half smile. "You are family now. All of you. Anna did so much for me before she truly knew me and still she stuck by me through everything. She had faith that I was better than even I believed myself to be. I think in part it has to do with you and the way you raised her. The least I can do is return the favor. I have faith that this farm can be better than you believe it to be. It will thrive. It just needs a leg up."
Helen was rendered speechless. The older woman looked like she might throw herself into his arms to hug him. But she refrained to let him speak.
"Besides, the farm clearly means so much to her and to all of you. Maybe one day it will mean just as much to our own children," John said sounding hopeful.
"For all of our sakes, I certainly hope that is the case," Helen replied.
John couldn't quite place it, but he suddenly recognized the look in Mrs. Smith's eyes as she stared back at him. It reminded him so much of his mother that it almost made him want to cry. She was looking upon him like she would her own son.
"We would all love to have you both here to stay and I can't begin to tell you how much your offer means to me."
"I haven't discussed it with Anna yet. She would have thought is suspicious for me to offer you money without explaining why. But I'm sure when she finds out about your situation…that is if you'll allow me to tell her; she'll quite agree it is the right thing to do with the money." The two of them shared a knowing smile.
"You have my permission to tell her," Helen said. "I know you can't promise me the money just yet, not without having talked it over with your wife. But it means so much to me that you would have even considered helping us. I hope you know, John, that regardless of the gesture I would have still loved you for all you have done to take care of Anna and bring her such happiness. She's lucky to have you."
"I appreciate that Mrs. Smith. We are lucky to have each other."
The church service was over and Anna had looked deep in thought through most of it. Though she usually did; that was not out of the ordinary. But Anna seemed internally conflicted with the theme of today's sermon. The message being about changes and moving forward. John noticed his wife kept staring down at the verse in her bible; her finger still hovering over the lines on the page.
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Anna's brother and sister in law had already gone outside and Helen soon rose from her seat to speak with the reverend. John leaned over to speak into Anna's ear, "Are you quite ready to go, love?"
"I just need a minute. Would you stay to pray with me?"
John was taken aback. She hadn't made such a request since the passing of William. And though he wasn't a religious person, he would have done anything to appease his wife. "Of course. If that's what you want?"
"I'd like it very much."
John dipped his head as he acquiesced to her request. He rose first and offered her his hand to help her to her feet. She eventually looped her arm through his as he escorted her to the front of the church, much like they had all those years ago. John could feel her grip tightening on his arm. Though he wasn't sure what she was so afraid of he could very easily guess, having had years of practice reading her thoughts. "It's alright my darling," he soothed her worries. "I'm here for you."
Anna smiled weakly up at him.
The two of them kneeled down at the small prayer bench. John taking a little longer to get down than Anna did, but he managed it all the same.
"What are we praying for?" he asked.
Anna took a moment to speak. "Guidance and strength. I hope that I'm making the right decision and…"
"What is it, Anna? I wish you'd tell me," he pleaded softly.
"I'm hoping we haven't missed our chance to have a baby because of me. I'm praying that if our chance comes again, it won't be like before. That all will be well. I'm so scared to take another step forward, John," she confessed.
"I'm scared too you know," John replied as he squeezed her hand.
"You are?"
"The only thing that scares me more than losing another child would be to lose you. To be left alone in this world. But I know we can't continue to live in fear," he reasoned.
"Do you think we'll ever get our happy ending?"
"I do," he said optimistically. "And I don't believe it's at Downton."
Anna bit on her lip nervously. "Maybe you're right."
The two of them prayed together. Anna did most of the talking, John kneeled by her side for support and followed along with her words. But when it was all said and done the two of them felt like they were on equal ground and standing together, stronger than ever before.
"Amen," they both said in unison.
John carried the picnic basket as he followed behind Anna. She led the way, telling him she was taking him to a secret spot she and her brothers used to enjoy when they weren't busy on the farm or in school. John imagined they couldn't have been there more than a handful of times, given that they were always busy on the farm and that Anna had been sent off to Downton when she was only twelve years old. But either way, he was touched that she had been willing to share this special place with him.
When they arrived at the clearing by the small stream he was pleasantly surprised. it certainly was a magnificent place. More than any child could dream of. There was a giant elm tree that was perfectly placed by the water's edge; it's large branches hanging over the water. John could see a loose rope that hung from one of the branches tied at the base of the tree. It looked like it had been there forever and John could easily imagine a young, mischievous portrait of his wife swinging into the cold water as her brother's goaded her.
Anna pulled him from his thoughts when she spoke up, "At night, the fireflies fill that field over there. My brothers and I would come out here with jars and catch as many as we could."
Of course she had. John smiled at the thought.
"In the summers we'd catch bullfrogs down here or go fishing with my father," she continued.
"And how did that go?" he asked.
"I was better at catching the bullfrogs than fish, but we had fun all the same," she answered back. "Mama would get upset when I came home covered in mud or soaking wet from a spill in the stream."
"I'll bet. But I'm sure you'd do the same if our son or daughter had arrived on our doorstep looking that way," he said with a chuckle.
Anna giggled along with him as she set the blanket out and took the picnic basket from him. "I do believe you are correct, Mr. Bates," she said with a hint of a smile.
John let out a deep breath. It would have sounded odd to anyone else, but John had not expected it to be such a pivotal point in their married life to be able to talk of the future without worrying that it would somehow ruin the day or the memory of David. In some ways it had been their greatest hurdle to overcome. Prison and Vera had made them a united front, but the loss of the child had threatened to divide them more than ever before. It had redefined who they were as people. But they were still the most important people in each other's lives. The other's best friend, confidant, protector and lover.
The two of them made idle chit chat as they picked through their meal. They relaxed as they sat on the blanket and talked about what an adjustment it would be to go back to Downton. How wonderful the break here had been, even if they had to work a little. They pondered how the staff had done in their absence. John joked that maybe in the short time they were away even Thomas had grown to miss them.
"I think that's pushing it a bit far," Anna quipped.
They both began to laugh and then suddenly Anna became quite serious. "I gave it some serious thought you know? About staying…" Her eyes were still fixed on the picturesque view before them. She was remembering better days gone by; hours spent in these fields with her brothers.
"And?"
"I know it will be hard at first, but I think you are right. And I'm not just saying that because it's what you suggested. We need to move on," Anna agreed simply before stopping to take a bite from her apple.
"I'm glad you feel that way," John said as he pressed a kiss to the back of her free hand. "Because I have something more I want to ask you, or rather I need to tell you."
Anna looked at him with a furrowed brow.
"Your mother made me promise not to tell you about it, but this was going to be the last harvest. Apparently the farm has not been able to recover fully since your father's passing and the war. That's what I've been working on. Helping her to get the farm in shape to sell for a higher price."
"And you didn't think I deserved to know about it?" Anna sounded disappointed.
"Of course I did, but she made me promise. It was her secret. What could I do? You were already so upset about leaving Downton when we did and coming here brought you back to me. I didn't want to upset you before it was our time to leave," he tried to reason with her.
Well she couldn't very well argue with that. It hadn't gone unnoticed by Anna how much closer John seemed to be with Helen. And while she was certain it was in part to make her happy she did believe both were now being amicable on their own accord. Her husband clearly did not want to break the trust that was being established between himself and her mother. She wasn't happy with the way she'd been left out of the matter but she understood why John and Helen had chosen to keep it a secret. "Does David know?" she asked knowing how much it would break her brother's heart to say goodbye to the place he had worked so hard to keep.
"No," John answered back in a soft voice. "And he doesn't have to if you don't want him to."
"How do you mean?"
"I think we should invest in the farm."
"Can we do that?"
"I don't see why not."
"But we don't know much about farming," Anna said.
"We don't know much about running a hotel either," John countered. "I know this might seem scary, because we've never discussed it before. And I know I'm asking you to take a leap of faith on something that I haven't given you much time to think about. But this is an established business. It can do well. I've run the numbers," John said sounding more sure of himself than she'd ever heard him. "The two of us plus a few more workers would ensure we could produce more than we did this year. I've even given some thought to bringing on more animals. You could be closer to your family. And the best part of all is we could still work side by side and retire early in the evenings. One day...we could have something to share in with our children...whenever that may be."
Anna felt a lump catch in her throat. Of course she would always hate the fact that they lost their son, but she knew that having children was still something she would long for. Everything he was saying sounded too good to be true. In her earliest days at Downton, she could recall crying herself to sleep at night. Longing to be back on the farm and in her old bed, chasing after her brothers, and working side by side with her mother. It was a dream she had long forgotten and let go of. And now John was telling her he could make it so. Could they really do this?
"What do you say, love?" John asked. But he didn't have to. There were already tears pricking at her eyes; happy tears.
"I say it sounds like a wonderful idea. How soon could we move?" she asked.
"Whenever you like. Although I feel we should give Lord Grantham and Mr. Carson some warning of our departure. Of course, we'd have to go back to move some stuff. But I see no reason why we couldn't be back here and settled in three months time," John answered.
"You certainly have been brooding about this for awhile," she commented.
"Only about you," John reaffirmed for her as he leaned forward to kiss her lips. "Always about you."
Anna blushed at his words and felt her heart flutter in her chest.
"You look marvellous in your blue dress," he complimented.
She smiled in kind, "No more marvellous than you do in that brown suit of yours."
He chuckled. "You'd look great in anything really," John said as he plucked a small dandelion from the grass and twirled it between his fingers. "Or even nothing at all," he added with a mischievous grin.
"Cheeky beggar," she playfully scolded him. "You should be careful saying such things out in public."
John looked around at his surroundings. "What public?" he asked before kissing Anna.
"Jo-" she began to protest but quickly began to melt into his welcoming lips.
He pulled away long enough to ask the question again, but this time he let his hand drift to her side. A touch so soft and yet it nearly burned her. The roughness of his large hands could be felt through the fabric of her dress and she all but stopped breathing when they began to make their way upward. There was no stopping him. A part of her told her they should refrain; one of them had to be the voice of reason. Her lips began to speak, but her mouth was at war with the feelings that were overtaking the rest of her body. What if someone walked by and saw them? She thought, but the thought was quickly pushed away when Anna looked up into his eyes as his body began to move over her and she saw nothing but love. A sight that made her weak in the knees and shook her to her very core.
His lips molded to hers and soon their mouths were in a battle for domination over the other. He pulled away long enough to groan into her ear, "You're sure no one else knows about this place?"
Anna almost couldn't form a coherent response, "Uh huh." John teased her breasts through her dress and it made it all the harder for her to focus. They were acting with the same reckless abandon they had when John was first released from prison; taking their pleasure however, whatever, and whenever they could get it. While they had managed to make love a few times during their stay on the farm it was always restrained and with ears perked for any passersby in case they had to be quiet. It had been a risk, but so far no one seemed to notice. John and Anna couldn't seem to get more than a few minutes away from the farm,, and they certainly weren't going to draw attention to themselves by checking into a hotel. "Well…" she began to say.
John brought his actions to a halt at the sound of her words.
Anna immediately missed his touch and she didn't try to hide her disappointment.
"Well?" he panted back.
"My brother knows about this place," she noted.
John chuckled into her shoulder before kissing her forehead and resuming his ministrations, "Then he will have to find another spot."
Anna laughed heartily in response and tugged at his lapels, in an unspoken request for him to remove his jacket.
John sat up on his knees long enough to remove his jacket and helped Anna up enough to put the jacket beneath her head. He made haste with undoing his tie as Anna assisted him with the buttons of his shirt.
Her hands clawed greedily at his chest, wanting to have access to every inch of him. She ran her fingers through the coarse hair that was liberally distributed across his body.
John was suddenly struck by a moment of clarity and considered how he wouldn't have resorted to such actions all those years ago when they began courting at Downton. Of course, that was due in part to the fact that their relationship had to remain a secret, but even then he wouldn't have put Anna's reputation at risk. "Anna, we don't have to like this...I got carried away," he began to apologize.
"John, come here," Anna said with a gesture of her finger.
He came back to her. Always. John layed on his side, facing her. His hand resting on the curve of her hip as his thumb drew lazy circles.
"No more doubts. No more hesitation. No more tears," she instructed with a smile. "You have me and I have you. And that's more than enough."
"Tell me what you want my darling," John said in a whisper. His eyes were searching her crystal blue eyes for an answer.
'You," she replied with a smile. "You are all that I want. All that I ever wanted."
John played with the hem of her dress before lifting her skirt ever slightly. His fingers stopped at the garter belt that lay there. He let out a sigh that was almost painful and yet one of relief. That simply designed garment, so small in size, held more meaning than words could ever express. It was a symbol of who they were behind closed doors and away from prying eyes. They were able to be free and open with one another. It was a reminder of a glimmer of hope during darker times. Times when they had thought there was no more future for them. But his beautiful wife had held onto hope that he would return to her and they would find a way to be together.
Maybe it was the fact that they were letting go of the past and quite possibly working on their future this very second. Perhaps it was that they both knew this place was theirs now. And neither of them could have cared less who stumbled upon them in the heat of passion. But in the time that followed the world was theirs and theirs alone. They celebrated their emergence from the shadows and took a step into whatever tomorrow would bring them.
A/N: The quote I used from the Bible is found in Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)