PERMANANT: Syllabification: per·ma·nent Adjective.1) Lasting or intended to last or remain unchanged indefinitely. Example: damage was not thought to be permanent.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The afternoon was moving along at glacial pace even though the station never seemed to stop with all its excitement. Telephones were ringing and cops everywhere were standing around and talking shit. I, however, remained in my cell explaining the story of my life to a woman whom Officer Walker called, Cherry.

She hadn't looked at me once yet. Her eyes seemed to be glazed over, but I had a feeling that she heard every word I said to her. I had been speaking nonstop for nearly thirty minutes, appreciating the silence from my audience. Lately, when I tried telling my story, people always felt the need to interrupt and give a snide remark. But not Cherry.

I began to feel a kinship with my fellow prisoner and wondered if, in a different time or world, we could have been friends.

"The moron's been held up in my house since and he refuses to leave. I just don't know…"

"Officer Walker! Officer Walker, you have to get me out of here!" Cherry sprung up from her place on the steel bench. I hadn't heard a peep from her or seen her move since I first arrived. "Look, I know what I did was wrong and you can throw the book at me, but get me out of this cell! She's been talking nonstop. It's cruel and unusual punishment. I know my rights!"

Officer Walker looked over to me and smirked.

"What?" I asked, offended.

"Maybe I should put more people next to you. I might be able to get confessions faster if I tempt them with cell relocation." Officer Walker snickered.

"I don't know what she's complaining about. I did what you asked of me. It's not like I tortured her." I huffed.

Cherry grabbed onto the bars separating my cell from hers, "Tortured me? Of course you tortured me. Wah, wah, wah, my boyfriend's obsessed with me. WAH! Blah, blah, blah, nobody understands me. I'm such a poor little rich girl. You're a nightmare! The only person lucky in this whole thing is your bio dad. At least he doesn't have to hear all about your sad pathetic life."

"Well, excuse me! You could have told me to shut up! I thought you were listening contently, but now I guess you were just strung out the whole time." I sniped.

"Strung out? That's the only way I could ever bear to listen to your nonsense any further. I have had a lot of shit happen in my life, but you don't see me sitting on some stupid bench and punishing people with my woes. I have seen shit that would make your Gucci curl. How the fuck do you think I got here? It wasn't for selling Girl Scout cookies. So why don't you sit your skinny little white ass down and shut the fuck up!"

"Ladies, don't make me put you two in the same cell." Officer Walker threatened.

I backed off from my bars and took another good look at Cherry. How could I have been so stupid? Here I am, thinking that we could actually have something in common because we're both women, and she and I are as different as can be. We obviously had different paths we had taken to arrive here at this moment, but in the end, I knew I would probably never spend another day in a jail cell. For Cherry, it looked like she would see more days behind bars then in front of them.

I backed up toward my bench and slowly sat down upon it. I began to ponder what my life would be like if I switched places with someone like Cherry. Take on her problems. Well, I could only imagine what she was in here for based on her clothing choices. I could see marks on her arms from what I assumed were from taking some kind of drug. If given the opportunity, knowing I could give up my problems for hers, would I take them?

Cherry began to poke at a hole in her stockings where a bloody bruise resided.

No, I wouldn't change my problems for hers. It had to be so much worse than mine.

"I'm sorry." I told her softly. "For before. I'm sorry for telling you about my issues when they weren't your concern."

She rolled her eyes and looked away. And then there was silence for a few more minutes. I began to wonder if I would ever leave this place. I looked up at a clock that hung on the wall just outside the cell and saw that only thirty minutes had passed since I ended up in here, and yet it felt like an eternity.

"Hey. This Edward guy…" Cherry spoke up. "Did he…ever hurt you?"

I scrunched up my nose, wondering what exactly she meant by that statement.

"What do you mean?"

"Did he…hit you?" She whispered, "Rape you?"

"No." I shook my head slightly.

"Oh." She replied softly.

Silence once again, but she left me with plenty to think on. I watched her out the corner of my eye, as she rubbed her arm up and down, focusing on a freckle.

"You're lucky then." She said after a few seconds.

My mouth dropped open to form a reply, but I was interrupted.

"Bells. Bells. Bells. Let me guess. The list?" Emmett's voice boomed with merriment. "I have got to take a picture of this."

He pulled out his IPhone and framed the shot.

"Oh, get off it, will you?" I snapped, getting off the cold hard bench. "Just get me out of here already."

"Well…I don't know. Seeing how we're not particularly friendly anymore…." He teased.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. If that's how you want to be about it. Then go!"

"I guess I could do you this one favor…for old times' sake, of course." He replied, like the idea taxed him. He pulled out the key and opened up my barred cage. "Anything for you, little sis. I mean, the artist formally known as."

"You just can't help yourself, can you?" I huffed.

"Never. You know, I should probably put out an A.P.B. that you're free once again. Give everyone a chance to get off the streets and pull the blinds closed before you do something else off your wacky list." He put his great big oaf of an arm around my shoulders and guided me through the station.

"Before I can leave you into the custody of your ride, you do need to pay those parking fines." He noted.

"Fine! Where's my purse. I will write you a check and be done with this damn place."

I filled out a check with all the proper information, and unfortunately, since many of the tickets were way past due, the amount I paid was exorbitant. Thank god my father no longer controlled my finances. I can't imagine the screaming match that would have taken place if he had seen that bill.

"I don't have a ride…you're friend over there impounded my car." I nodded toward Officer Walker.

"I got you all taken care of. Jasper said he could pick you up. The car might not be released for a few more hours so, until then, he can take you home."

"Great, just what I need. Another brother of Edward's making my life miserable."

"Hey!" Emmett barked. "I'm not that bad. So what if I have a little fun at your expense? You know I only do it out of love."

"Whatever." I dismissed.

Walking outside and seeing the sun shining bright and the smelling the pollution in the air caused me to have an Andy Dufresne moment. I held my arms up in the air and basked in the glory of my freedom.

"Wow, was it that bad?" Jasper asked, approaching the police station.

"Felt like a life sentence." I turned to Emmett. "Thank you, I know that…I was kinda a pain in the ass. Thank you for coming for me, even though you're no longer under any social obligation to help."

"Why don't you just look after yourself and promise that you'll not be a stranger. Just because you broke up with Edward, it doesn't mean you have to break up with us." Emmett replied mournfully.

It was one of the only times that he would be serious with me. Usually Emmett was always the laughter in the room. I hardly ever saw him look sad or upset. I gave him a small nod before heading out with Jasper. I arrived at Jasper's Toyota and got into the front passenger seat.

"They didn't give you too hard of a time there, did they?" He asked.

"No…but it wasn't a party. I tried talking to this girl in the next cell, but she wasn't having it. Apparently, my issues should remain in my head. Every time I try and talk to anyone, they all think that I'm crazy for giving up Edward. I just want to have someone understand my side in all this."

I sighed and looked out the window.

"Everyone thinks I'm crazy." I shook my head. "I don't know, maybe I am."

"I don't think you're crazy. And, you know, if you need someone to listen, I'm always here. It does happen to be my job, so I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself." He smiled over to me.

"You mean…I could talk to you like a patient? I don't know if that would be right. I mean, you're my best friend's husband and my ex is your brother in law. Isn't that a conflict of interest?"

"If you really wanted to seek a doctor's advice than I would refer you to someone else. It would be a conflict if I was to take you on as a patient but I'm not asking for that. I just thought you might like someone to listen, and if you ever wanted it, I am pretty good at giving advice. It's just a thought. You don't have to talk to me, but I can tell you've been feeling kind of alone lately and I'm always here. I promise, whatever you have to say, I would never share it with anyone. Not Alice. Not Edward."

I mulled that around for a minute while Jasper continued to drive on. I watched as the people walked along on the streets, going about their business, and I wondered for a minute where Jasper was taking me, because it wasn't toward my home.

"Do you think my list is stupid?" I finally asked.

Jasper didn't reply right away which made me worried that the answer was yes.

"I think your list is something you need to help deal with the pain you're feeling from losing your father."

"Stupid, huh? I never even knew the man so why would it cause me pain?"

"It doesn't matter that you never knew him. You were cheated of knowing him and when he died, and you found out that he was dead, you lost a bit of yourself and an opportunity to finding out who you are. I imagine your situation is a lot like children who have been adopted. Most products of adoption at one point in their lives want to seek out their biological parents even if they were given a great life by their adopted parents. It has nothing to do with the people who raised them. It doesn't mean they necessarily love them any less, but it's this need to know where they came from. You need to grieve the loss of your biological father and the list is your way of doing that. However, I must warn you, completing the list won't bring him back, Bella. I don't want to see you fulfill everything on that list and still find yourself unfulfilled."

"Do you think it was stupid of me to turn down Edward's proposal?"

"No." He stated immediately.

"Really? Your family would suggest otherwise."

"I don't always go along with what the Cullen's think or say." He smirked. "I happen to think that you are absolutely right for turning down Edward's proposal. You know what you want in life and if it's not Edward, you did the right thing. You could have wasted his time and made his life miserable, but instead, you said no and now he is free to move on."

"Well, I do love him. I just know he wants different things in life. I'm the one who loves him enough to let him go. He's the one who refuses to move out of my house and on with his life."

"You may love him, Bella, but you are in no shape to get married. Being in a marriage is one of the most selfless relationships we have. You have to be willing to share the good and the bad. To compromise even when you still feel like it's a loss. You lose because you love the other person so much that you let them win. You're not ready for that kind of relationship."

"I'm not that selfish." I stated. "I gave him up! What's so selfish about that?"

"You broke up with him because you didn't want to compromise. He wanted to have kids someday. You never even entertained the idea. You just immediately figured that you both wouldn't work out because you couldn't imagine having kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling you selfish as a personal slam against you, I'm not saying selfish is a bad thing. You're at an age where it's okay to think about yourself. You're trying to think about your future and where you fit in this world. Maybe Edward wasn't the right man for you. After a few years have passed, you'll know then whether you made the right decision."

"Years? I have to wait years?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"Perspective usually takes a while unfortunately."

"But what if I made the wrong choice?"

"Then…it will be one of life's many lessons for you to learn, grow, and move on from."

I didn't want to learn a lesson. I needed to know that whatever choices I made, that in the end they were the right choices. I didn't think that Jasper would agree with me that, that was even possible. Would I look back in five or ten years and think that Edward was the one to get away? I could take him back right now and marry him and make him miserable for as long as we both shall live, but I was doing the right thing by thinking of his future, even if it meant that I wouldn't be in it. When Edward looked back in five or ten years, I would hope that he would be married and have kids and would never think of me as the one that got away. He should think I was the one to save him from a terrible fate.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked, looking up at his house.

"I have to get to work. Alice is off today so she said she could take you to get your car." He replied.

"Oh…okay." I sighed, opening the car door.

"Bella, I hope you're okay with what I said. You can always talk to me. I will be honest with you…which is something you may not want to hear from time to time, but at least I won't have you believing some lie either."

I nodded solemnly in response.

"I understand. I have a lot to think over. Thank you for the ride."

"Anytime."

I walked up to the house and watched as Jasper pulled back out of the driveway and headed off. I could have waited on that doorstep, pondering over our conversation, if I hadn't been interrupted by Alice and Rosalie.

"There you are! Are you freaking kidding me, Swan? Arrested!" She shrieked.

"Alice, let the poor girl in." Rosalie sighed.

"Please. I don't want to hear it. I had a moment of lapsed judgment." I held up my hands in surrender. "Please tell me you have something to eat. I'm starving."

I pushed her aside and entered the house, heading toward the kitchen. I found a banana in her fruit basket and didn't even ask if I could have it before tearing into it. I then realized what I was eating, and seeing a fuming Alice in front of me, it nearly caused me to burst into hysterics when I thought back to Alice the Banana Queen.

"Oh great, she's finally lost it. First you get arrested and now you steal my food and laugh at me for it." Alice huffed.

"I wouldn't have gotten arrested if your brother hadn't gone all Sigourney Weaver on me and refused to leave my house. The man has made me certifiable."

"What do you mean he hasn't left your house?" Rosalie asked.

"He hasn't left my house." I repeated. "No matter what I say to him, he is refusing. He thinks he will change my mind if he bunker's down. Just forget about it. This damn list isn't any closer to getting finished. Every time I try and cross something off, somehow, it goes all wrong. Snows in Scotland. Edward ends my blind date…"

"Technically wasn't a blind date." Alice and Rosalie said in perfect unison.

"Speeding on a city street and the other guy gets pulled over, and instead of giving me the ticket, I get arrested."

"Technically detained. They didn't book you." Rosalie noted.

"It doesn't matter! I am never going to get this stupid list done!" I screeched.

"Oh, for the love of god!" Rosalie threw her hands up in the air, "Come on! I am so sick and tired of hearing about this stupid unfinished list. Grab your coat, Alice. We are crossing off something on that list tonight if it kills me."

She grabbed the banana out of my hands and threw it in the sink.

"Hey!" I complained. "I was still eating that."

"Not in my car, you're not." She snapped, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the front door.

"Where are we going?" Alice whined. "I'm pregnant, remember? You can't take me sky diving!" She paused for a second, "You can take me to a pie eating contest. I would definitely be down for that!"

Rosalie drove down toward Hollywood and she wouldn't say one word about where we were going. It wasn't until we pulled up in front of the storefront that I knew what we were about to cross off.

"There is absolutely no way this can be screwed up. Now get in there and slap on some cheap tramp stamp that you'll come to regret twenty years from now when your ass begins to sag." Rosalie smacked my ass and apprehensively I walked toward the front door of the tattoo pallor.

I stood in front of the door staring at the handle and unable to put my hand on it to open. I looked back toward the girls and grimaced.

"This is probably a really bad time to mention that I'm afraid of needles, huh?"

"Well, look at that, two birds one stone. Getting a tattoo and doing something that scares you. I am that damn good! You should make me your life list coach; I'll have these suckers crossed off by Easter." Rosalie suggested while patting herself on the back.

I looked back at the pallor and could see some big freaky looking dude watching us from inside. I hadn't properly mentally prepared myself for this. This is happening too soon. Suddenly, I wished Edward was here to hold my hand.

"I don't think I'm ready." I turned back to the girls and proceeded to walk toward the car. Rosalie caught me around the waist and stopped me.

"Oh no! You're going to march your ass in there and get that tattoo. I don't care if I have to shove that needle up your ass. This is getting crossed off the list tonight! The sooner you get done with this list the sooner things can go back to normal." Rosalie screeched.

She actually screeched, and then suddenly I was in fear of my life. I looked over to Alice and could see in her eyes the agreement of Rosalie's statement, and then it hit me, this list was affecting others as well. It wasn't just about me. They were all genuinely invested in this and that gave me the confidence to turn back around and enter the tattoo pallor.

I looked through books and books trying to decide what I wanted to be permanently etched onto my skin. This decision would be one that lasted a lifetime so it needed to be the right choice. There were a thousand different kinds of butterflies and I knew that was the norm as far as tattoos go. How many girls have travelled down the road of deciding to get a tattoo and then settling on a butterfly? But shouldn't something so permanent have some kind of meaning?

"So what are you going to get?" Alice asked uneasily.

"I don't know. I know it should mean something, but what exactly is there in my life that means anything?" I sighed.

I flipped from page to page trying to find the perfect thing to represent me and was still coming up short. And then something came to me. The only problem was that Edward inspired my thought. It was a sure fire way to look at something for the rest of my life and be reminded of him every time. Was I prepared for that?

"Did you ever find out how your classes went? Did you pass?" Rosalie asked me while flipping through a magazine.

My head popped up and I looked over to her.

"I completely forgot. With everything going on…I totally forgot about that." I gasped.

"Well here, use my phone. They should be up online by now so check it out." Alice handed me her phone and it took me a couple of minutes to log in. I went through the list of my classes and my heart nearly jumped out of its chest when I saw the grade marked next to my chemistry course.

"I passed." I told them hearing the shock in my voice. "I got a "B""

"Way to go!" Alice cheered.

"Awesome Swan!" Rosalie added.

"I can't believe it! I just can't believe it." I said shaking my head in disbelief.

"Oh, Edward would be so proud." Alice replied.

I looked over to her, concerned.

"I mean…if you were planning on telling him. When you decide to talk to him again or if you never did…well he would have been proud."

She tripped on the words, realizing that Edward shouldn't even be a part of my life anymore. I knew he would be proud and it's because of him that I succeeded.

"I know what I want." I looked over to the tattoo dude and took a deep breath in.

It was one thing to pick out a design; it became a whole different thing to find a place to put it. I didn't want the tattoo to be in a place that anyone would ever see. I wanted it to be just for me to look at and no one else. Well…unless I decided to have sex again, then it might come up in conversation.

"Why don't I get to see it?" Alice whined when I came out from behind the curtain.

"Because it's private. For my eyes only." I declared.

"Well, whatever." Rosalie rolled her eyes. "As long as it's done, I can finally go home to my man. Seeing that guy all tatted up over there has made for some nice fantasies that I plan on playing out when I get home."

"Eww!" Alice complained.

The next stop was to pick up my car. I thanked Rosalie and Alice again. I felt invigorated. I had crossed something off my list and I actually couldn't wait to get home and tell Edward about the grade. I felt bad for how I left things with him. I shouldn't be so upset with the guy. He just needs time to accept our fate and see things my way. Maybe after some time had passed, we could be friends.

I walked into the house from the garage and called out his name. It was almost time for dinner, but I didn't smell anything cooking. Odd since he usually was always on top of meals.

"Edward." I called again, walking toward the guest bedroom.

I opened the door and it was as neat as a pin, and suddenly something occurred to me. I paused for two seconds and then charged off toward my bedroom. He wasn't there. I walked over to the walk-in closet and pulled the door open.

The suits.

All of them were gone. Not one suit remained.

I couldn't catch my breath. I kept feeling my chest rise and fall, rise and fall.

Edward was gone. He was finally gone.

I walked into the closet and slid down the wall to stare at the emptiness. And then I grieved.

AN: Sooo...that was certainly a mixed bag of reviews for that last chapter. I understand some of the negatives and don't worry I can take it. When A Working Title is your first story to ever post, I was able to get used to the idea of negative critiques. Any story written will never gain favor with everyone. Thank you though for reviewing. I would rather hear something rather than nothing. I am happy that the reviewers are split on which side they are on. I don't believe that Bella is necessarily crazy. Anyone who has ever lost a person know what its like to have a period of feeling lost. Also Edward isn't exactly doing a banged up job either. Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing. I will be interested in seeing how you feel about this chap!

Thank you soo much to my amazing beta Robstenvampgirl! She turned out this chapter in lightening fashion so i could post it before my business trip!

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.