SEARCH: Syllabification: search Verb.1) Try to find something by looking or otherwise seeking carefully and thoroughly. Example: I searched among the rocks, but there was nothing.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

"Miss Swan."

"Miss Swan."

"We've been sitting here for twenty minutes. I cancelled my last appointment because you said this was urgent but you need to talk to me if you want me to help."

I breathed in and out and then finally sat down on the provided couch.

"What do you want me to tell you?" I asked absently. "What can I say to make this go away? Do you want me to tell you about my father who ignored me and threw money at me my whole life because it was easier than actually parenting me? Tell you about how he wasn't even my real father and how he practically hated me?"

I paused.

"Or would you like to hear about my biological father who died before I ever got the chance to know him. Left me with nothing more than some stupid book with a list of things he always wanted to do but was too chicken shit to do them and for some stupid reason I took the list on and made it my mission, driving nearly everyone that I cared about away from me."

I paused.

"Or do you want to hear about Edward Cullen. My ex-boyfriend who I once believed was some homeless dude and managed to make me fall in love with him only to find out that he was some reporter trying to write a story on me and my selfishness. We managed to deal with that and then I had commitment issues. He had issues with my spending and we broke up and now he…he…"

I finally looked at shrink dude.

"I called you because I love him. I love him and now he's moved on like I wanted for him. I wanted him to find someone who would give him what I couldn't." I began to cry. "He brought her to my function. He showed up to my charity event and looked happy and I can't move on. No matter how much I try or…ignore it, I can't. What do you want to know, doc? What can I tell you to make you fix me?"

I stopped in my tracks the moment I saw the girl standing beside my Edward. She was tall even without her heels and had long red hair which glistened in the sun. She was smiling and laughing along with my friends and Edward looked happy. Really happy. For a moment his eyes caught mine and I could see his whole stature change. His mouth dropped open as if he wanted to call out for me but instead, I didn't wait around to hear my name. I turned quickly and ran to find the nearest exit.

I didn't stop running until I reached my car. I could feel myself breathing hard and it wasn't because of the distance I had just run. I was practically hyperventilating while hiding out in my car. I reached for my purse to find a Kleenex and instead found the card for the doctor that Jasper had recommended.

My breathing slowed as I looked over the name once more. Dr. Marvin Kent.

I pulled out my phone and immediately began dialing. I explained that this was an emergency. I was in the car on the verge of a breakdown and I needed help in the worst way. The doctor asked me if I was okay to drive and then told me where to go.

He moved on.

I drove to the office in downtown Los Angeles and forgot all about the charity event with pie eating contest included.

The office was exactly how I pictured. A bookshelf with lots of books. A brown leather couch across from the window and a single chair sat opposite from it. It took a while for me to speak. A part of me couldn't believe that I was actually there, readying myself to spill the most intimate details of my life to a complete stranger.

Dr. Kent, looked nice enough. He was probably in his mid-forties, wearing a button-up and dark slacks, complete with glasses. His degrees hung on the wall and for the longest period of time, I couldn't stop staring at the one he had received from Yale.

"Miss Swan…may I call you Isabella?"

"Bella." I whispered. "I prefer Bella."

"Bella." He agreed. "We can work through this but it's not a quick fix. There is nothing I can say to you that will instantly cure or fix you. You have to be willing to put in the work and willing to talk with me."

I didn't respond.

"I hear that you're not exactly a believer in therapy but you called me anyway. What made you want to seek out therapy? What happened to change your mind?"

"I told you." I replied. "Edward came to the charity fair with another woman…the pain…it became too much to bear."

The shrink dude thought for a moment before replying.

"You talk about some list…of your father's? Why do you think it's alienating you from your friends and family?"

"Well…they think I've lost it. I just wanted to feel something. To feel closer to my bio dad because I felt cheated. I never got the chance to meet him or know him. When my dad turned out to be crap, I wanted my…bio-dad to fulfill something. I thought the list would help me but so far, most people around me think I'm crazy for wasting my time or I've become a little obsessed but I haven't hardly finished a thing on it because some way or another, something always gets in the way of it. At this rate, I will never finish it. And I guess a part of me was hoping to feel something the moment that I did which now makes me sound even crazier than what you probably already thought I was."

"I don't think you're crazy. Please discard that notion from your mind now." He stated. "The people I speak with and see are not crazy. Some maybe not as balanced as the norm but they aren't crazy. I think you're in pain and I hate to tell you this but it's completely normal the pain you're in."

"Why would you hate to tell me that?" I asked.

"Because I think it would be easier for you if I just said that you were crazy. It would make you feel a sense of satisfaction for your actions in the past. Like you had no control over them because you are crazy. But you're not crazy, Bella. You're in pain and therefore are responsible for every single reaction or action you have had."

That hurt.

"This list may have been a way for you to feel closer to your father but did you ever wonder why it was so hard for you to complete?"

"Well…I've tried. I mean I have really tried. I flew to Scotland and the damn golf course was closed. I tried to get a traffic ticket and ended up getting arrested. My blind date turned into the date from hell when my ex showed up and started spinning wild lies…"

"You went on a blind date? Was this before or after Edward?" The shrink dude asked.

"After…er…during. It's confusing but that's not the point. The point is that I have tried to cross off things from this list and for every one that I do, I screw up two others. At this rate, my bio dad's life list will be the list that my children have to complete." I sighed exasperated.

"Children? Did you and Edward ever discuss children?"

Uh-oh.

"We're so not going there, doc."

"Because it's too hard to deal with?" he asked.

"You got that right."

"So…you would choose to not do everything in your power to get over Edward?"

I huffed and rolled my eyes. My back flopped back down onto the couch.

"Edward wanted kids and I didn't."

"And that was the reason you two broke up?"

"Yes. Well…no. Kind of." I waved my hands in the air. "It's complicated. He wanted to get married and I didn't. He wanted to have kids and I didn't."

"Why?"

"Why what?" I snapped.

"Why didn't you want to get married? Why didn't you want to have kids?"

I turned on the slick leather couch to look at him.

"Have you not heard about how fucked up my life is? You know what the divorce rate is in this country? You think someone who comes from a fucked up home…with not one but two fucked up father situations has really got a chance for happy matrimony? Edward and I were doing good. We didn't need marriage. Everything was working out perfectly but I could tell that it was something he wanted. And then…the kids thing. He would make a great father, but me? I would ruin em."

"You have psychic abilities." He stated.

I rolled my eyes once more. "It doesn't take a psychic to see the future."

"You think highly of yourself, don't you Bella?"

My mouth dropped to protest.

"No one knows the future…unless you count God if you're a believer. I see lots of people that feel that they are doomed to repeat the mistakes of their parents but only you have the ability to stop the cycle. Your parents choices aren't your choices and you are merely using them as a crutch for your unhappiness. If you told me that you didn't want to get married because you didn't believe in the institution of marriage then I wouldn't say a thing. But you are telling me that you don't want to get married because you are afraid. Afraid that you will turn out like your parents and that isn't fair to your happiness and your future to base all of your hopes and dreams off the mistakes of your parents."

I sat there staring down at the area rug that ran under the couch and his chair, picking apart the design.

"Yeah, but…fifty percent, doc!"

"Has nothing to do with Isabella Swan. You need to stop basing your life off of others. This is Isabella Swan's life. Isabella Swan is the only one who has the power to make of her life what she wants of it."

"And what if I want someone who no longer wants me?"

"Then I suggest that Isabella Swan finds a way to first love and respect herself before she can look to find someone who would love and respect her."

I chewed on that for a minute. I was having trouble seeing the point when I could be happy and be over Edward. The point wasn't coming any clearer and I wondered if I would remain on this couch the rest of my life trying to search for it.

"Bella, I want you to try to focus on yourself this week. Maybe take some time away from family and friends and really ponder your life and what that means to you. If it's at all possible maybe even take a mini vacation and get away from everything you know. Allow your mind to relax and let go of all the noise that is inside your head. I know I can't tell you to ignore your thoughts on Edward but if it's at all possible, try. We will meet back here on Friday and explore your epiphany's and thoughts. Think you can do that?"

"You want me to go away from all my friends and be by myself and not think about Edward?" I gave him a skeptical look.

"If it's possible."

"Well, I would hate to hear you ask the impossible from me." I quipped.

"Try. If you want to heal and feel better, then…try. What do you have to lose?"

Stay away from my friends and family. I could do that but it might be very lonely. Although I do have the Fluffster and the good doc didn't say anything about staying away from my cat so I guess that was one for the plus column. However, go the entire five days without thinking about Edward? I was doomed where I sat. The only way I would even remotely have a chance to accomplish this, is if I truly did go on a vacation.

I pulled up to my house with every intention to pack a bag and get the hell out of dodge. It didn't occur to me until I pulled up and saw a car in the driveway that I might have some visitors. I had completely blown off the charity event complete with a pie eating contest designed just for me and it was only a matter of time before someone came looking for me.

I didn't recognize the car in my driveway and I wasn't supposed to be around anyone according to new prescription from my doctor. This was going to be a hard one to tackle, whoever it was in the mystery car.

"What happened to the Maserati?"

I opened my car door and my heart dropped. Slowly I looked behind me, climbing out of my car.

I swallowed and when my eyes found his, I felt my heart skip a beat.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

"I know I shouldn't have come but I needed to make sure you were okay." Edward replied. "You left abruptly and of course everyone was freaking out when they couldn't find you. I'm the last person I'm sure you wanted to see."

I didn't know how to respond to that. According to my doctor I was supposed to steer clear of my family and friends and even though the shrink dude told me to try and not think of Edward, I really don't think he would want me conversing with him.

"I don't know what you want me to say to you Edward. What are you doing here? I was under the impression that you and I…you are done and popping in like this….isn't fair to me."

I was trying to keep it together but I was feeling myself fighting a losing battle.

"I was worried about you and I will always... care about you, Bella."

"Don't you have someone else to care about now?" I snapped.

Edward furrowed his brow and thought for a second.

"Vicki?"

"God, just hearing the name makes her sound vapid." I huffed. "I tell you to go out and find the "one" and marry the "one" and then have babies with the "one" and you choose Vicki as the "one"?"

"I haven't chosen Vicki to be my "one" anything. She is a friend, nothing more, Bella. I met her in New Zealand and for the time being our interests are aligned but I'm not with her."

I shook my head in disbelief.

"Then why are you here? Why did you bring her to my event?" I snapped.

"Your event? I heard it was Angela's event for the charity you left her in charge of. I receive some picture of a car that apparently you bought and then come to find that you have moved back here of all places and suddenly I manage to put two and two together. I came here because I needed to see for myself. I wanted to know what kind of a monster you were allowing yourself to turn back into."

"Fuck you, Edward! You don't get to have any say or worry about what I do with my life anymore. That ship sailed. Want to know something else? I spent a pretty penny on a whole new wardrobe. I quit school and I am doing fucking fantastic. So get in your shitty little car and get the fuck out of my life already!"

"Bella, you broke up with me! I would have done anything you wanted me to. I would have spent the rest of my life as your boyfriend and nothing more. I would have given up even having children. I would have followed you around the world if that made you happy. You broke up with me." He spit.

"And I realized what a mistake that was but you chose not to take me back!" I yelled.

"Because, I didn't want to spend my life trying to make you realize that we belonged together. If I had taken you back, you would have found a new reason the week after to end it again. I can handle a lot of things from you Bella but having my heart ripped out every other week, isn't one of them."

Edward's eyes were blazing but they weren't angry eyes. I wouldn't say that. They looked like something else. He turned back to his car and reached for something before turning back around to me.

"Here." He handed me a pie. "I won this for you."

"Keep it. What will I do with it now? The contest is over and it's just one more thing that I fucked up on my list." I sighed.

Edward waited a moment before speaking.

"Well…the list said to be in a pie eating contest. It never said it had to be an official pie eating contest." He reached back into his car and pulled out another pie. "Isabella Swan. I challenge you to a pie eating contest."

"You are completely mental." I stated.

"It would be a shame to waste two perfect pies when they were destined for greatness." He walked over toward the table in my garage and set his pie on it, pulling out a chair to sit down in. "Are you going to decline the challenge and make me eat my pie all by myself?"

I didn't know what to do? Somehow, I figured that the shrink dude would not approve of this but after thinking for a few seconds, I slowly crossed the garage and sat down on the opposite side from him with my pie placed directly in front of me.

"How does this work?" I asked. "Are we allowed to used our hands?"

"They didn't today. I think you put your hands behind your back and it's whoever eats the most in five minutes time." He replied readying himself.

"Well…I already know who is going to win this. Your appetite always did exceed my own."

"It's not about winning or losing, so stop making excuses and tie your hair up."

I pulled a hair tie from my bag and began to pull my hair back while looking at my pie. It was Lemon Meringue. I couldn't believe what we were about to do. Anyone walking by at the moment would think a bunch of nutters lived here.

Edward pulled his watch off and set the alarm.

"Get ready…." He called. He pushed the button and dropped the watch to the table. "Go!"

It was completely unnatural to just dive into a big pile of foam so at first I was dainty with my bites.

"It's a pie eating contest! Not a lesson in table decorum." Edward shouted. His face was completely filled with what I believed was some kind of berry. "Get in there, Swan!"

I pushed my face a little further in the pie.

"You're not even trying to make this a race. I know that I beat you in a lot of different areas, I didn't realize I would slaughter you in this too." He trash talked.

I pushed my face in further and felt the fury behind each bite. My face was completely covered but as the five minutes neared, I wasn't anywhere close to being done so the minute that Edward's watch chimed I picked up my pie and threw the rest at him. It hit him squarely in the face and my lemon mixed with his berry.

"DONE!" I screamed pumping my fists in the air.

"CHEATER!" Edward protested. "DQ! DQ!"

"No. No. No. Judge deliberates…no DQ!" I laughed and then he laughed and it was the first time since I could remember \that we both laughed and had fun with one another. Too soon though, we both came back to our senses. Edward wiped the pie from his face with his hand and it landed on the garage floor. I did the same coming down from the high.

"I have to go away for a few days." I said quietly.

"Everything okay?" He asked softly.

"My doctor…yes, I'm finally seeing a shrink. He…wants me to get away for a few days and deliberate on my life and stuff. I'm supposed to try and be away from my family and friends and I am supposed to try and not think about…you."

Edward nodded shortly. He pushed back his chair and used the bottom of his shirt to wipe off the rest of his face.

"Do you want a towel or something?" I asked.

"No…I should go. You need to be alone and trying to not think about me." He turned to walk toward his car.

"Easier said than done."

He stopped in his tracks and turned back to me.

"Never, Bella. Never."

He turned back around and got into his car.

What the hell did he mean by that? I watched him back down my driveway and leave.

Never, Bella. Never.

I played the words in my head over and over again looking for any hint of a connotation but it was a puzzle I couldn't decipher. It was puzzle that would keep me from my task at hand. It was one thing to go away from everyone for a few days, but with Edward leaving me a cryptic message, I would never be able to stop thinking about him.

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Disclaimer: Story is mine. Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.