Fi walked to the kitchen, still smiling. She kissed the top of Michael's head before she joined the group, also Indian style, facing the guys. "Good morning, Charlie," she grinned, leaning in to kiss him. "How are you doing? How was your sleep?"
"I seep yuh housh in yuh bed!" Charlie told her, just in case she'd forgotten. "I seep wif Teefee an Uncuh Micuh!"
"That you did, Charlie. You slept with us in our bed! Did you have good dreams?"
Charlie looked pensive for a second. "I dohn no deems," he said.
"Ohhhh, you don't know if you had any dreams. Well, that must mean you had a rrrrreally good sleep!" Fiona replied, leaning in for another kiss. "Are you hungry, cutie? Do you want some breakfast?"
"We already took care of that, right, Charlie?" said Michael.
"Yah I ee rybee!" Charlie said proudly, pointing to the table.
"Mmmmmm, rice and beans. I love rice and beans," Fiona told him.
"So does our friend Carlito," Michael said flatly.
Fi raised her middle finger to Michael as she got up, grateful Charlie wouldn't understand the gesture. "Let's work out the logistics of this morning," she said to Michael, putting the kettle on for tea. Charlie got up and climbed back on his seat to finish his rybee.
"I guess we should take turns showering so the other one can watch him. Then we can drive him to school and you can drop me off at the grocery store and I'll call you when I'm ready," she planned. "Oh, shit, I almost forgot. The other day when you were at your mom's, I dug up the northwest corner of the backyard to store the gu – to store some stuff, so you'll need to get those, too."
"Okay, so count with me and make sure I've got them all," Michael said. "The backyard. The guest room, obviously. Behind the TVs. Inside that old TV. The umbrella stand. Those big vases near the window. The bottom of the kitchen drawers and our dresser drawers. The hall closet on the top shelf and in your rain boots. Our closet. Oh, man," Michael sighed, "in our closet they're in your purses, the inside pockets of my suit jackets, behind the shoe rack, all along the floor behind the long stuff. Your jewelry box. Your travel makeup bag. Your other makeup box thing. Under the lids of both toilet tanks," Michael recited robotically, ticking his count off on his fingers, turning his eyes upwards as he mentally walked through their home.
"That back part of the pantry. The rungs of the ladder up to the attic. The attic, of course, on the shelves and also over in that trunk in the corner above our room," Fi added. "Oh, and behind that big patch on the drywall where the medicine cabinet used to be in the guest bathroom."
"Guest . . . bathroom," Michael repeated, adding the words to the list he was making. "Got it. And I've got knives in all the lamp shades and the edges of the drapes, so I'll grab those. Where's your C4 and detonators?"
"In those cute wicker boxes along the mantle," she answered.
They both thought for a few moments. "I think that's it. Oh!" Michael exclaimed, shaking his head. "Can't believe we forgot the junk drawer! I mean the one in the bathroom. We took the kitchen one to class. Junk . . . drawer," Michael said slowly, updating his list. "Okay, so that should be it. Yeah?" Michael asked her.
"Yeah, I think so," agreed Fi. "When you list it all out like that, it's kind of hard to believe we haven't even gotten the stuff from the storage locker."
The trio continued/started breakfast. Conversation was relaxed if incomprehensible. Charlie did most of the talking. Among the topics: Edward, trains, Thomas, Lightning McQueen, Mater, Edward, trains, Coby (Fi and Michael eventually figured out he was a kid from school), Coby playing with Thomas, Coby not letting Charlie play with Thomas, Coby getting time out, Edward, Batman, bad guys, Mater, Thomas, macaroni and cheese (the adults both pursed their lips on that one and silently instructed the other to stay silent), the potty, Edward, and Edward.
When they'd finished, Michael began clearing the dishes. Fi asked Charlie if he needed to go to the potty.
Rookie mistake.
Cutting to the punch line: you don't ask. You tell. You tell nicely in a way the kid doesn't know he's being told, but you tell.
"No potty," Charlie replied.
Fi tried again. "Charlie, Grandma Maddie told me you're learning how to use the potty like a big boy. So let's go so you can sit on the potty!"
"No nee potty," Charlie reiterated.
"How can you not need to go potty, Charlie?" Fiona pointed out. "You had a big drink this morning."
"No nee POTTY!" Charlie shouted, frustrated at his keeper's stupidity.
"All right, Charlie, I guess you don't want to be a big boy," sighed Fiona dramatically. "You can just pee in your diaper like a baby."
All this time Michael had been rinsing dishes and loading them into the dishwasher, trying to make himself invisible.
"Oooooh, I have a great idea, Charlie!" Fiona said suddenly. "How about you go into the bathroom when Uncle Michael goes so you can see how a big boy pees?"
Michael stopped what he was doing, lifted his eyes from the sink, turned his head slowly to face Fiona, and stared at her. "What the fuck?" he mouthed.
"Yah Uncuh Micuh pee-pee!" exclaimed Charlie. "C'mon Uncuh Micuh. Les go!" Charlie shouted, running to grab Michael's hand.
"Uhhh . . ." began Michael, but he stopped because nothing he wanted to say to Fiona was appropriate to say in front of Charlie.
"Yes, Charlie, Uncle Michael would love it if you go with him," said Fi, smiling broadly at Michael.
"Les go Uncuh Micuh les go Uncuh Micuh les go Uncuh Micuh les go Uncuh Micuh les go Uncuh Micuh!" Charlie chanted, still trying to pull Michael.
Michael finally started walking, slowly. He whipped his head back to Fiona as he did, whispering to her that she was pure evil, only he said it more colorfully.
The Westen guys made it to the master bathroom, where Michael had put Charlie's potty the night before. Michael tried one more time. "Hey, Charlie, look! There's your potty. Wanna sit on your potty?"
"No, Uncuh Micuh pee pee! And then," Charlie was now laughing so hard he almost couldn't get the words out, "and then Uncuh Micuh poo poo!" He was cackling at this point.
"You know what, we're just gonna stick with pee for now. I'll let Auntie Fi handle pooping."
Michael reached through the slits in his pants and boxers and prepared to pee. Never, he thought, not even when his toileting was being monitored by three humongous guards in that Indonesian prison, never had he felt so self-conscious in the bathroom. He stood there for a few moments. He'd never had a shy bladder before, but then again he'd never had a two-year-old boy gaze at his crotch expectantly. While laughing hysterically.
Fiona peered in the water closet door. "Michael, Charlie's underwear aren't like that. He'll have to pull them down. Maybe you should show him th –" she suggested.
"HE'LL BE FINE," Michael cut her off loudly. "Y'know, Fi, we got this," he said as he shot daggers with his eyes. "You should go anywhere but here."
"Whatever. Just trying to help," she said under her breath as she pivoted and left the boys.
"It's for Nate, it's for Nate, it's for Nate," Michael repeated silently to himself. But then, and he felt terrible about this, then he pictured Nate waiting for him to pee, and it was even worse. Michael looked to the ceiling, shaking his head a little in disbelief of his life. He closed his eyes and willed himself to block out all thoughts except swift-flowing rapids. And finally, finally, it came. Just a few drops at first, enough to get Charlie's attention, and then a regular stream. Michael kept his gaze upward, determined not to watch Charlie watching him.
Charlie was mesmerized. "Uncuh Micuh pee pee!" He suddenly ran out of the water closet area, shouting, "Teefee! Teefee! Uncuh Micuh pee pee! Teefeeeeeeeee!"
Charlie was back in an instant, just as Michael was finishing up. "I go potty now!" he said happily.
"You want to go potty now? That's good, Charlie! Okay, can you take off your pa –" Michael began.
Before he could get to the "—nts" of pants, Charlie had dropped trou and was trotting to his little chair, cheeks swinging in the wind, leaving on the floor his pants and a bloated diaper so sodden Michael thought it might explode of its own volition. He sat down and within a second, max, he was peeing. Michael forced himself to say, "Yay, Charlie! Good job!" even though he really felt like saying, "I can pee just as fast as you, you little shit."
The stream stopped, and then Charlie stayed still, not saying anything. He looked sort of blank.
Michael got concerned. "Charlie, are you okay?" he asked.
Then Charlie's face got red. And that's when Michael knew. Ten or twelve seconds later, Michael heard one big plop, followed by a couple of little ones. This time, Michael's praise was completely genuine, because, without knowing it, Charlie had just set the stage for Michael's sweetest revenge yet.
"Hey, Charlie, you want to show Auntie Fi what you did?" Michael said temptingly.
"Yah show Teefee!"
"FIONA. CHARLIE NEEDS YOU," Michael called.
Fi strode in a few moments later. "What's up?" she asked.
"Your turn," Michael said slyly, walking away.
4