Virginia called over to Michael and Fiona. "All right, we've got the teams set up. First names starting with A-J are one team; I-Z, the other." She turned to the kids and got back into her teacher voice. "Okay, friends, when I call your name, I want you to go stand up. Ready? Andrew. Anna. Charlie. Coby. Ellie. Ethan. Jake B. Jake C." She waited for them all to stand. "You friends go stand with Ms. Teresa, please." They trotted off.
"And let's make sure we've got everyone who's left. Please stand up when I call your name. Maddie. Oliver. Peter. Sofía G. Sofía L. Sophia D. Trey. Vivienne. Yep, we have everyone." She looked back at Michael and Fiona. "Do you the same way? Fiona with the A-Js and Michael with the I-Zs?"
"Excellent," Fiona said. "Why don't we have them all together to explain the game, and then we'll split up."
"Yep. Everybody, please sit down right where you are." Virginia waited until the kids were seated. "All right, my friends, Ms. Fiona and Mr. Michael have a fun game we can all play together. We're going to be in two teams. The friends with Ms. Teresa are on one team, and the friends with me are on the other team. Now, let's all turn on our good looking eyes and our good listening ears while they tell us how to play the game." Virginia pantomimed turning knobs at her eyes and ears, and the kids followed suit. Michael made a mental note of that technique for when he's advising dumb clients in the future.
Fiona took a few steps to face the group. "Hi again, everyone." A bunch of them said hi back. Some picked their noses. One went to chase a bird, but Teresa got him back.
"The game we're going to play is called Capture the Flag. Do any of you know that game?"
Sophia D. raised her hand. "There's a flag in front of the school!" she said.
"Yes, that's true. Do you know how to play this game?" asked Fiona. Sophia D. shook her head no.
"All right, I'm going to tell you all about Capture the Flag. It's really easy. Each team is going to get one of these colored scarves. We're going to pretend they're flags. Then you're going to hide the flag so the other team can't find it. We'll show you the general area you can hide it, but then you all get to choose exactly where to hide it. Make sense so far?" Some nods. Some stares. "Then, once both teams have hidden their scarf, the other team is going to try to find it. Still with me? Okay. But here's the really fun part. If you see someone from the other team come over to your area looking for your flag, you can tag them, and then they have to sit in jail," she said dramatically. The kids looked a bit worried. "Don't worry. It's not real jail. It's a pretend jail." They looked less worried. "So whichever team gets the other team's flag first wins!" Now they looked very confused.
Michael waited a moment before he stepped beside Fiona. "See the people in your own group?" They looked around and nodded. "Don't tag them. Now, look at the people in the other group." Again they looked. "Tag them." He took a deep breath. "Don't worry about the flag for now. We'll tell you about it soon." They still looked confused. He looked at Virginia. "We should probably just get started. I don't think anything else we say is going to make a difference."
She chuckled. "Probably not. But they'll have a great time. All right, everyone. The bridge is our line." A low footbridge was part of the playground, giving it a nice divide. Ms. Teresa, you and your team stay right where you are. My team, follow me." Eight little bodies trotted after Virginia like ducklings. Fiona followed them.
"Don't worry, Fi," Michael called. "I'll make sure you get to have some fun this month."
"When I win," she called back, "I'm not going to concern myself with your enjoyment."
Michael made his way to his team. He looked at them all with a serious expression. They gazed up at him, jaws open and little necks craned to the sky. "Hello. Do any of you know what you're supposed to do?" he asked in his team-leader voice. They all shook their heads. He took another deep breath. "All right. Let's start with the flag." He held up the bright green scarf. "We have to hide this. Where should we hide it?"
"Put it under there," said Vivienne, pointing to a bench.
Michael looked at it. "There's nothing underneath that bench." Vivienne stared at him. "So they'd be able to see the flag." She continued to stare. "We want to hide it where they can't see it."
And then eight little heads nodded in understanding. Once he saw the light bulbs flash on, he said, "There we go. Now we're in business. Where should we hide it where they can't see it?"
But then they just stared again. Michael's I-want-to-kill-you smile emerged involuntarily.
"Tell you what. I'll find a good hiding place." They all watched him as he walked to a large, red, plastic bucket in the corner of the field filled with balls of all sizes. He snaked his arm through the balls and put the scarf at the bottom.
"Okay. Done with that." He returned to the group and sat down. "Now, forget about what I just did. Forget about the green flag. We don't care about the green flag anymore. Okay?"
Lackluster response.
"Oliver," Michael said. "Should we look for the green scarf?"
"Iss ovuh deh-uh!" Oliver pointed to the ball bin.
Michael wiped his face. "Yes, it's over there, but we don't care about it anymore. We don't want to look for it, we don't want to touch it, we don't want to do anything with it. Just pretend like it's not there. Got it?" He looked around and saw a few kids nodding. "Sofías? You got it?"
"I'm Sofía G. and that's Sofía L. and that's Sophia D," Sofía G. said.
"Yeah, that's going to be a problem," said Michael. "Tell you what. You want to have new names just for this game?"
"Yes!" "Yes!" "Yay!" "Ariel!" "Belle!" "Cinderella!" "No, I want to be Cinderella!" "No, I'm going to be Cinderella!" "Nuh uh!" Then they started wailing. Then the other five kids started shouting their preferred new names.
Michael looked panicked.
Teresa stepped in. "Girls, let's not fight. You're all going to get a good name," she said. "My other friends, you get to keep your own names because nobody else has your name. Everyone will know who Mr. Michael is talking to if he calls to you while we're playing the game." She continued to help everyone calm down. Slowly the whining stopped. The sniffling continued, though.
"I'm going to pick names," Michael announced. "What's your favorite food?" he asked Sofía G.
"Cheeseburgers."
"Done. You're Cheeseburger. How about you, Sofía L.? What's your favorite food?"
"Sushi," she sniffed.
"Really?" he asked, impressed. "Wow. Good for you. Sushi it is. And now Sophia G. I mean D. Sophia D. God help me. What's your favorite food?"
"Edamame."
Michael stared at her for a second. "You gotta be kidding me."
"Edamame is yummy!"
"It is yummy, but that's a hard one to cry in the heat of battle. What's your next favorite food?"
"Kit Kats."
"That we can work with. You're Kit Kat. So let's make sure we've got it. You're Cheeseburger. You're Sushi. And you're Kit Kat," he said, pointing to the appropriate Sofía/Sophia. Now, when I say your new name, raise your hand. Ready?" They nodded with big smiles. "Sushi." Sofía L. raised her hand. "Cheeseburger." Sofía G. raised her hand. "Kit Kat." Nothing. Sophia D. was studying a ladybug as it walked by. "Kit Kat," Michael repeated more emphatically. Zilch.
Teresa to the rescue again. "Sophia D., remember we're paying attention to Mr. Michael now." The little girl looked back to Michael.
"What's your new name?" he asked.
"Kit Kat!" she answered.
"Yes. Very good. Kit Kat." Michael rubbed his hands over his face and surveyed the group. "All right, let's go back to what we were talking about. Trey." The little boy looked up. "Do we care about the green flag?"
"No way, José!" Trey said.
"Good man, Trey. So what do we do with the green flag, Oliver?"
"Pwetend iss not dere!" Oliver answered.
"Oliver, my friend, you have redeemed yourself. Exactly. Pretend it's not there." He took another big breath. "So. Over on the other side? See over there?" He pointed. They all nodded. "They hid an orange flag." He let that sink in. "We want that orange flag. I want you guys to find it."
Peter stood up and took off. "No, Peter, not yet!" Michael called, springing up to retrieve Peter. He got him quickly, and they walked back to the group. "Soon. I want you to go find it soon. I'll tell you when to go look for it, okay?" Nods from all. "Okay, Peter?" Peter nodded earnestly. "Okay. Don't get up until I tell you to. Everybody understand?" Nods.
Sophia D. raised her hand.
"What's up, Kit Kat?"
"I have to go potty."
Teresa stood up. "That's me. C'mon, I'll take you. Does anyone else need to go?" she asked. Maddie and Oliver raised their hands. Then Cheeseburger. Then Vivienne.
Michael rubbed his face again and began to worry he'd be playing Neal for a month.
Meanwhile, Fiona was facing some personnel challenges on her team. She'd made it as far as hiding their own flag in an overgrown shrub and beginning to strategize paths of entry to the other side when the wheels came off the bus. Jake B. and Jake C. began fighting over who got to sit closer to Fiona. Coby and Charlie argued about who was a faster runner. (Fiona had to give odds to Coby.) Charlie occasionally stopped arguing with Coby to stare at Ellie. Ellie had been playing with her shoes from the beginning. Andrew was trying to pay attention, but he was highly distractible. By anything. Ethan and Anna were holding strong, but Fiona wasn't convinced they understood what she was saying.
Virginia noticed Teresa walking a group down the breezeway and assumed they were heading to the bathroom. "This is probably a good time for a break," she told Fiona. "I'll take ours to the potty, too. The change of scenery should make them good to go when we get back."
"Bless you, Virginia." Virginia laughed heartily and began gathering kids.
Soon only Michael and Fiona were on the playground. Each walked toward the other and met in the middle. "Give up yet?" Michael asked.
"Hardly. You?"
"No, but I have to say they're as thick as Neal and Moles Guy. But they're two and three. Neal and Moles Guy are, like, thirty."
"Mine are fighting too much for me to determine if they're thick. And Charlie. Poor Charlie. He is so lovesick, Michael. And his love is unrequited. Painfully unrequited. It's like a Greek tragedy for toddlers."
Michael shook his head in empathy. "First love's always the hardest. Maybe I'll take him out for a milk and a pep talk." He hesitated a few seconds. "Is he okay?"
"Charlie?"
"Yeah."
"About Ellie? He's fine. I was taking some poetic – " She stopped suddenly when she realized. "Ohhhh, you mean last night." She chuckled. "I'd almost forgotten about it. And I'd say he's completely forgotten about it."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, Michael. I promise you didn't traumatize him."
Michael was quiet while he chewed on that information.
"You should talk to him about it, though," Fiona said.
"What do you mean?"
"It's clearly bothering you."
"What am I supposed to say?"
"That you love him and you're sorry you scared him."
"Huh." Michael looked down and fidgeted his feet.
Fiona leaned against a bench. "This is a clean relationship, Michael. You know? It's different for you. You and your mom have hurt each other forever. Most of the time, you would just leave for years on end. Now you two muddle through it, but you're both entrenched in 45 years of how you've always related to each other.
"This is a new slate with Charlie. Teach him that when you hurt someone or do something you regret, you face it, you apologize, and you move on."
"What the hell have you been reading?"
She kicked him. "Spare me. Your psychology is criminally transparent, Michael."
"Thanks."
She smiled. "He's fine. He'll be fine even if you don't apologize. But if you apologize, I think you'll feel better."
He looked down again. "Fine. But when I win, at some point during the month, you're lying on a couch and I'm telling you all the ways you're transparent."
Fifteen minutes later, the bathroom break was finished. Michael and Fiona got their game faces back on as they rejoined their teams.
Virginia was holding a blob of something bright orange. When she got closer, Fiona could see it was a bunch of little, vinyl art smocks. "Thought these would come in handy," Virginia said. "Teresa's got the green ones."
"Virginia, when you get to heaven, would you please plead my case? You're amazing. Thank you so much." Fiona sighed in relief.
Virginia burst out laughing. "Okay, friends," she said, trying to regain composure, "Ms. Fiona and I are going to put these orange smocks on each of you to help you remember who's on your team."
"Exactly," Fiona chimed in. "When it's time to tag someone, tag the kids in the green smocks. Don't tag the people in the orange smocks. They're on your team. Does everyone understand? Yes? Okay."
Once everyone was smocked, Fiona and Virginia had them sit down. "All right, guys," Fiona began. "Are you ready for the really sneaky stuff?" she asked mischievously. Eight little voices indicated they were, indeed, ready for the really sneaky stuff. "We have to figure out how to get their green flag. That means we've got two things we've got to do. Number one is we have to figure out where it could be. Now, I know Mr. Michael very well. He's quite predictable when it comes to this kind of operation, so I'll tell you the places their flag might be.
"But number two is we have to figure out how to get their flag without all of us getting tagged. 'Cause all those green guys over there are going to try to tag us." She let that sink in. "Yeah. They want to tag us." She knew that would get their attention. Tagging is a big deal among the preschool set. "Now, the good thing is we're on a team. We have lots of people to work with. So here's what we're going to do. Some of us are going to create a big distraction. That means we're going to do something that'll make all the green team people look at us. That'll confuse the green team. It'll definitely confuse Mr. Michael.
"Then, while some of us are doing the distraction, some other people on our team will run really fast to try to get that green flag.
"So we need some people to be our distractors and some to be our runners. But there's even another group we need. We need some friends to stay here on our side and guard our flag. That way, when some of the green guys run over to our side to try to look for our flag, our guards can tag them.
"So, altogether we have three groups on our team. We've got distractors, who are going to do some crazy stuff. We've got runners, who are going to run as fast as they can to try to find their green flag. And we've got guards, who are going to stay on our side and tag anyone who comes over here.
"Who would like to be our distractors?" All eight kids raised their hands. "Oh," Fiona said. "Hmmm. Okay, who would like to be our runners?" Eight hands up. "I see. Just for kicks I'll ask: Who wants to be our guards?" Yep, all eight.
"Great, so I'll just tell everyone what they're going to be!" Fiona announced brightly. "Coby. Coby, you're one of our runners. You're going to run as fast as you can and go find that green flag. Okay?"
"Yay!" Coby bounced with joy.
"Let's see, another runner. Andrew, you were very interested in running before. Would you like to be a runner with Coby?"
"Yah yah yah yah yah!"
"Done. Coby and Andrew are our runners. Now, who should be our guards? The guard needs to be someone with a quiet, almost enigmatic personality but who projects great authority." She looked around the group. "Ellie, I think you'd make a wonderful guard. Would you like to be a guard?"
Ellie nodded. It was semi-enthusiastic nodding, which made Fiona feel proud and girl-powerish.
"Our other guard should be . . . Jake C. You're very serious, Jake C. You'll be a great guard."
"Okay." He shrugged.
"Teefee, I wanna be a gawd!" Charlie whined.
"Oh, Charlie, do I have a great job for you. You know how Uncle Michael and I are always telling you to be quieter and not act so crazy?" He nodded. "Well, today's your lucky day. Today you're going to be a distractor, and I want you to be as loud and crazy as you possibly can. Can you do that?"
"Yah yah I'll be cwaaaaaaazy!" He beamed.
"Fantastic. And Anna, Ethan, and Jake B., will you be distractors along with Charlie?" They all indicated their wholehearted approval.
"Okay! Looks like we have a plan! Let's just review it before we get started. Coby, what are you supposed to do?"
"Wun an get da gween flag!"
"Great. Andrew? How about you?"
"Run with Coby!"
"You got it. Anna, what are you supposed to do?"
"Be crazy!"
"Exactly. What do you think you'll do to be crazy?"
Anna thought for a moment and then looked worried. "I don't know."
"Can you dance?" asked Fiona. "Just get out there and do some crazy, crazy dancing. And singing! Sing as loud as you can. How does that sound?"
"Okay! I will dance like Belle."
"Sounds great. Charlie. What are you going to do?"
"Be cwazy like dis!" He stood up and performed what a passerby would've characterized as a neurological event. Arms, legs, hands, feet, bum, and head all going at once. In different directions. Plus loud babbling.
"Excellent, Charlie. Ethan and Jake B.? What are you going to do to be crazy?"
Jake B. cackled. "I'm gonna poop!" He nearly choked from his own laughter.
Virginia donned her disapproving teacher look. "Jake B., you know we don't say things like that. That's inappropriate. What will you really do to be crazy?"
He pouted. "I'll just scream real loud."
"That'll do it," Fiona agreed. "Ethan?"
"I'm gonna do a whole lotta jumpin' jacks."
Fiona's face registered some surprise, but she nodded in approval. "Jumping jacks it is. All right. Now, for our most serious jobs. Our guards. Ellie. What part of this area do you want to guard? Ellie?" Ellie was staring off into space. Virginia gently shook her little shoulder. Fiona repeated the question. Ellie didn't say anything but pointed to the right side of the field.
"Good. You take the right. Jake C.? Can you hold down the fort on the left side?" Jake C. looked very confused. "Sorry, I mean will you be the guard on this side of the field?" His face went back to normal as he nodded. "Perfect. So Ellie and Jake C., if anyone in green comes into our area, tag 'em. Got it? Great.
"All right, we're just about set. Coby and Andrew, I want to tell you where I think that green flag might be. It could be in two places. You ready?" They nodded. "The first place I want you to check is inside that big, red bucket of balls. Dig around in there. And the other place is in that wagon over there. See how there's some stuff in it? Lift up the stuff and see if it's in there. Okay, guys?" They nodded, but apprehensively this time. "Two places," she summarized. "Ball bucket and wagon. Coby, you run to the ball bucket and look there. Andrew, you look in the wagon. All right? You got it?" Apparently that was clearer, because they shouted their agreement.
Fiona let out a big breath as she turned to Virginia. "We're set, I think. Shall we see if they're ready?"
"Yeah, I'll go over there. I'll be back." She chortled as she left.
That left Fiona and eight preschoolers staring at her. Well, seven, because Ellie was staring mostly at a cloud. "Anyone need to review tactical approach? Everyone clear on their assignment?" They just kept staring. Fiona decided less is more and stopped talking.
"Any questions?" Michael was asking soberly as Virginia neared. He was in total mission mode, except he was wearing jeans and flip-flops instead of commando gear. "Cheeseburger, you look confused and it's worrying me. Do you know what to do?"
"Uh huh. Run and look."
"Run and look," he repeated. "Yes. Good." He surveyed the group again. "Trey? You good?" Trey nodded enthusiastically. "Oliver. Either have two shoes or no shoes, but don't have one shoe." Oliver slid his right shoe off and threw it behind him.
"Everyone. One more time. What flag do you want?"
"Orange!" they shouted, sort of close to in unison.
"Do you want the green flag?"
"No!"
"No. Correct. Get the orange flag. Do not get the green flag." He paced in front of them with his hands behind his back. "Another question. Should you pick up your smock and cover your eyes?"
"No!"
"Correct. Do not pick up your smock and cover your eyes. I hope we've all got that out of our system now. Looking at you, Sushi."
He closed his eyes and shook his head. "All right. We're ready. Stay focused." He turned to Virginia and rolled his eyes. "Is Fi set?"
She tried to contain her laughing. "Yeah, she's ready to go."
"Let's move out, team," he ordered loudly.
Old West duelers looked like long-lost pals reuniting compared to Michael and Fiona approaching one another. High noon at the Bruce House. Or High 10:35. All that was missing was someone whistling the theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."
"All right, boys and girls, are you excited?" Virginia asked brightly. They cheered, clapped, bounced, jumped, yelled, or some combination thereof. "Remember that when you're tagged, you stop and go to the bench near the water fountain." She looked at Michael and then Fiona. "Where should they start?"
"Umm . . . just have everyone back up to the middle part of their side," Fiona said. It took a while, but eventually all sixteen little people were where they were supposed to be. More or less.
"Here we go!" called Virginia. "On your mark, get set, go!"
All eight members of the green team started screaming and barreled straight ahead. The orange team kids remembered nothing except they were supposed to tag green, so they all started chasing the greens. Then greens didn't want to be tagged, so they headed back to their side of the field. The oranges all followed them. Then the greens tried to tag the oranges. And so on.
When starlings are threatened in flight, usually by a falcon at the edge of the flock, they synchronize into a fluid, gorgeous movement called a murmuration. It's a highly sophisticated defense. They move as one, and each bird's movement depends on that of every other. The birds constantly assess and react. Murmurations are majestic intersections of instinct, science, and art.
Sixteen preschoolers running on a playground in no way approximate a murmuration.
Sixteen preschoolers running on a playground is pandemonium.
After about thirty seconds of chaos, Michael barked, "CHEESEBURGER, RALLY." Sofía G. broke away from the throng and headed for a wall where four tricycles were parked. She lifted and looked in the seat of each one and then yelled, "NO!"
Fiona understood Michael's plan instantly. She ran to find Coby in the herd. Meanwhile, Michael shouted, "TREY, RALLY."
Trey ran towards the back corner of the playground and dove into the landscaping. With a sniper crawl, he dug around in all the dirt, looking for bright orange fabric.
Right after Trey started running, Fiona found Coby and pulled him aside. "RUN," she commanded. "Go look in the ball bucket." He took off. "ANDREW!" she yelled. "GO! RUN! Go look in the wagon!" Andrew hurdled over an unidentified orange kid on the ground and headed toward the wagon.
Virginia, Teresa, and Claudia were standing on the sidelines laughing uncontrollably. Teresa had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.
Meanwhile, nobody was tagging anybody.
Coby was at the ball bucket. He looked under the bucket and behind the bucket, but not in the bucket. He started to run back to the group, but Fiona caught him. "Did you look inside the bucket?" she asked frantically. He shook his head. "Go over there and take all the balls out and look inside." He ran back.
He had thrown three balls out of the bucket when a piercing scream filled the playground. "Orange orange orange orange orange orange orange orange orange orange!" Trey screamed as he pulled the flag through the bottom of the shrub.
"WINNER!" Michael shouted.
"MOTHERFU – " Fiona roared, then remembered where she was.
Michael jogged over to the bushes and picked Trey up. Trey looked like he was wearing camouflage makeup. His face was covered in moist dirt and some dried leaves. Michael held him at the waist and hoisted him up. Just like when Rafiki lifted the newborn Simba up in "The Lion King."
"TEAM GREEN, THE WINNING MACHINE," Michael bellowed.
Green kids everywhere cheered and jumped. Many orange kids did, too. They didn't know what was going on when the game had started ninety seconds earlier, and they didn't know now. But they were happy.
Author's Note: What a joy to write. All these kids are based on my son's cronies at that age. And Ellie was his true love. Like Ellie in the story, Ellie in real life couldn't have cared less about my little guy. But he's recovered and has gazed at many a little girl since then.
I think there'll be some more to write about Michael and Fiona's time in the classroom. Wait and see!