He's surprised when Kate invites him over about a week later, only saying they need to talk. He walks in and the apartment is quiet, with no sign of Jo anywhere.
"Jo's not here?"
"No, she has a big chemistry test tomorrow. She's studying with some of her friends," Kate says, pouring him a glass of wine and directing them into the living room. "Why? Does Jo have to be here for us to have a drink together? I thought we were trying to be friends."
They sit on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other, and he takes note of her deliberate movements and the way she takes a deep breath before she sits down. He knew something like this was coming, but he's baffled that he's getting all this information from Jo instead of Kate telling him herself.
Then again, maybe that's what this is all about.
But this is her bridge to cross, and she has to build it first. He can see that she's trying, but he's not sure he knows how to help anymore. He used to know her so well, but so much has happened that he doesn't know if he can put himself out there for her again. At least, not without the whole story.
He waits her out, despite the numerous comments and conversation starters he has at the ready. She takes a hearty drink from her glass before she finally speaks.
"I don't know how to do this."
Of all the things he expected her to say, that wasn't one of them.
"What, exactly, don't you know how to do?" he asks her, his arm falling over the back of the couch.
"I spend my days trying to get information out of people, and I never think twice about it. But when my daughter wants to know about my relationship with her father, I…" Her voice trails off, and she begins to study here wine glass, swirling the liquid around so aggressively that she almost spills it.
"What did she ask you?" He knows they had words when Jo got home from the loft last week, but Jo didn't give specifics.
"She...she said you told her about how we met. And I think she wanted me to help fill in some of the blanks, but I couldn't."
"Kate." He doesn't really know what to say, how to make this better for her. Part of him wants her to suffer through it and have to figure it out on her own. But as they established very early on, this isn't just about the two of them anymore. Their daughter is involved, and would be affected by whatever happens-or doesn't happen-between them now.
She finally looks away from her wine glass and makes eye contact, and he can see the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Kate crying is a new experience for him, and he's having a hard time dealing with it.
"You have to open up to someone. And...I think she's the most important one right now. She seems to be in a better mood after we've talked, like she's starting to understand."
"What exactly do you tell her when you have these talks? Do I have to start feeling embarrassed in addition to everything else?"
"No. It's nothing like that, and I'm not about to tell her anything I think would embarrass either one of us."
"She came home upset last week, but when I asked her about it, she said everything was great. She loves Martha, and it seems like she gets along well with Alexis. And she didn't go into specifics, but she was upset about everything she could have had if I'd made different choices."
"It's true," he tells her, making eye contact with her briefly before studying an imaginary stain on his pant leg. "She could have grown up with more family-more support-than just you and Jim, Kate. You didn't have to do it alone."
"I don't think that's what she meant, at least that's not all she meant."
Oh. Jo did have that stunned reaction to seeing the loft for the first time. "I wondered about that, actually. If there's anything I can do to help, Kate-"
"No," she cuts him off, holding up her hand. "This has nothing to do with money. We're fine." She pauses, opening her mouth as if she's going to say something else, but she looks like she's battling with it, like she's not sure she should share it with him.
"Kate," he says softly as he scoots a little closer on the couch, "there used to be a time when you could tell me anything."
"When Jo was younger," she starts, taking another drink of her wine, "it was easy not to tell her about you. I could easily steer the conversation in another direction, maybe distract her with something more exciting. But she's very persistent, and the tactics I used when she was seven to not give her details don't work now."
He laughs, and it seems to break the tension for the moment. "You mean, the fact that she exists because her mom had sex with someone."
"Yes," she scowls at him. "But you didn't have to come out and say it."
If he didn't know any better, he'd think she was embarrassed. But the Kate he remembers was definitely not shy about their aspect of their relationship once they got to that point. In fact, she was quite the opposite. There's still something in her expression, though. He hopes it's not-
"Are you...ashamed?"
"What?" She objects, and her voice raises above the comfortable level of conversation they've had until now. She downs the wine remaining in her glass and lays it down on the coffee table. She looks ready to argue, but he needs to get through to her and get to the heart of this.
"Are you ashamed? he repeats. He keeps his eyes on her, willing her to make eye contact with him even though she refuses. "Are you ashamed-of us, of that beautiful young woman we created?"
"No, but-"
"No, but...what, Kate?"
"I threw all that away." She finally looks at him, and the tears that were threatening to fall earlier are now falling down her cheeks. He wants to reach out and brush them away, but right now, he needs to hear what she has to say. "I'm not ashamed of us. I could never be ashamed of us. But I am ashamed of how I ruined us and what we could have had."
The moment the words are out of her mouth, he reaches out for her and pulls her into his arms. Her tears are coming faster now, and he feels them wetting his shirt but he doesn't care. This is the most he's gotten from her in the last month and a half, and he's not about to voice it and possibly cause her to retreat.
"Rick…"
"Shh...just being a good friend, Kate. I'm not going anywhere."
He doesn't say anymore, and she doesn't offer anything more. But she doesn't pull away from his embrace and just silently works through this with him, and for that he is grateful. For the first time in a very long time, they're doing this together.
It's only when her tears have ceased and she begins wiping at her eyes that he offers up any words.
"I married Alexis's mom-Meredith-because she was pregnant."
Kate's eyes flash up to his, and her mouth opens to speak, but he holds up a finger to stop her. She needs to know all the facts before she starts making wild assumptions.
"Once I accepted that wherever you were, you didn't want to be found, I got a little wild." Kate snorts at his comment, but he narrows his eyes at her again, silently wills her to stop interrupting. "By junior year, I was dating Meredith and had just found out that Black Pawn was going to publish In a Hail of Bullets. We got married over the summer, I finished college and we lived on the advance I got for the book, and then moved back to New York. By the time Alexis was four, we were divorced. She moved back to California, and I had full custody."
He finishes the story, only to second-guess telling her in the first place. He wants to reassure her, not make her feel worse.
"I...I wouldn't have walked out on you," he tells her, his voice cracking as he tries to do this right. "I absolutely would have been there for you...and Jo, from the very beginning. I hope you know that."
"I do." She wipes at her eyes again, and looks at him, all her regrets and long forgotten wishes staring back at him. "She...asked me if I loved you."
Rick leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, taking a moment to process the confession. It's a question he would like to know the answer to as well. Those words were thrown between them numerous times in the almost eight months they were together, but he's also doubted how much she meant them in all the years since.
He looks sideways and raises his eyebrows, waiting for her to continue.
"Of course I loved you. And I think I knew that you would stick around, that you would do whatever you had to in order to make a life for us. But I couldn't do that to you, not with the timing of it all."
"What are you talking about?"
"Really, Rick? We were nineteen years old and in the middle of our freshmen years of college. And from what you just told me, you would have proposed and probably taken whatever job you could find just to support us. I couldn't do that to you."
He stands up and drains his glass, walking into the kitchen to get more wine. He decides to bring the bottle with him as he scrolls through possible responses in his head. Could she really claim that she was looking out for his best interests all this time?
"You think you would have held me down? You and Jo? How could you-" he's just gearing up, ready to finally get to the bottom of this whole thing when there's a knock on the door. He stops, glass in one hand and the bottle in the other hand, and he can see that she's just as surprised as he is. "Expecting someone?"
"No," she tells him as she rises from the couch and swipes at her eyes again. "Jo has her keys; she wouldn't have to knock."
He stands in silence as she walks over to the door and opens it. To his surprise, a tall dark-haired man in a leather jacket enters, not even waiting for Kate to invite him inside. And before Rick can fully comprehend what's happening, the man is kissing her.
Kate puts her arms on his chest and pushes him away, but Rick can tell that she knows this guy. That was definitely not a first kiss.
"Josh...hi. When did you get back?"
And then, as if the scene couldn't get any more crowded, Jo comes through the open door. She takes a look around, sees Kate wrapped up in Motorcycle Boy's embrace and Rick standing in the hall with a bottle of wine in his hand before she drops her bag on the floor.
"Oh, shit."
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