Saturday, October 22

Clarke woke up to the sound of the coffee machine. Her body felt sore but her head didn't ache too much anymore. She smiled when she felt the body behind her pull her a little closer and softly stroked the arm that was still holding her.

"Morning, babe", she whispered and felt a soft kiss on her shoulder.

"Morning. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Even better now that I smell coffee, actually! Didn't even realize you got up, I really must've needed that sleep."

"Yeah that's... I didn't get up." Lexa paused and let Clarke turn around to face her. "Abby's here."

"A– what?"

"I'm sorry, Clarke, I had no idea what to do yesterday, so I asked her to come."

"So that means she... knows?"

"I had to tell her, Clarke. I'm sorry, but she has to know what's going on."

Clarke didn't answer right away, she was angry but also thankful. Her facial features softened a little when she spoke again. "How did she... take it?"

"I'm not sure. I think she hasn't really realized it yet, if you know what I mean." Clarke nodded and slowly sat herself up. "We should go downstairs then."

Lexa helped her get up and put some sweatpants on, and then carefully walked her to the kitchen where Abby was preparing breakfast. When she heard the couple approach, she looked up and smiled, but her eyes betrayed her and Clarke could see how worried she was, and maybe a little hurt as well.

"You shouldn't be walking around already, sweetie."

"Mom I have cancer, I'm not dead." Clarke joked, trying to brighten up the tense situation but it didn't really work that well.

"At least sit down and eat something, you need to get some energy."

"I'm not really hungry, mom. But thanks, that breakfast looks delicious," she said and turned a little to face her girlfriend, "you really have to try those pancakes, babe!"

"Clarke, you need to eat something, too."

"Maybe later, right now I'm not sure whether I could keep it inside." She explained and Lexa and Abby nodded understandingly and got some breakfast themselves, looking at the blonde every once in a while to make sure she was okay.

The next days went by without any bigger incidents. Every now and then, Clarke would have a little breakdown or spend hours in the bathroom, but it wasn't too worrying. Her mood though worsened and she became more and more absent–minded, sometimes up to a lethargic level, staying in bed or sitting on the couch for hours, not talking, just staring into nothingness. It worried Lexa but she had spoken to Abby a lot who had assured that this was simply part of the disease and that there wasn't really much that Lexa could do about those symptoms.

Clarke knew that she hurt her girlfriend with that behavior but there was nothing that she could do, either. She just hoped that Lexa wouldn't leave her, and Lexa didn't.

Halloween came and they went out with Aden for a few hours, Raven's birthday came shortly after and they joined the party, and then a few days later, Clarke had another appointment with her doctor.

Friday, November 11

"Miss Griffin, good to see you again. How are you feeling today?"

"I don't know. Good, I guess." Clarke tried and the doctor nodded, well aware of his patient's condition.

"So the test results aren't too bad, I think we can start the chemotherapy." He explained and waited for a moment for Clarke to say something, but continued when she stayed quiet. "The chemotherapy will happen through injection and you can choose whether you would like to stay in the hospital for the time of the therapy, or whether you'd like to have an ambulant treatment. It's best we start as soon as possible, it will provide the possibility of prolonging the... outcome of the–"

"My death. You can say it." Clarke interrupted him.

"Miss Griffin," he calmly continued, "the medical possibilities nowadays provide a very good chance of..." His voice faded out in Clarke's ears and the sound of her blood rushing took its place. She knew about the medical possibilities nowadays. She had studied it, she also had studied all the terms and phrases that doctors used when explaining the inevitable.

"... more time. I suggest we start the therapy on Tuesday and then we'll run further tests to see if–"

"Sorry Mr. Wallace, but I won't do a chemotherapy." She said, firmly looking into the doctor's eyes who was rather startled by her decision.

"Miss Griffin, please. Rejecting this therapy is–"

"A choice that I am free to make, Mr. Wallace. Thank you for everything." With that, Clarke got up and left the doctor's office, leaving a speechless Wallace behind.

"Clarke, I don't think this is the right decision." Lexa said calmly. She knew that Clarke could be stubborn but this was an irrational decision, and so very wrong.

"Babe, it's my life. I want to be in control of it. And a chemotherapy would definitely take away my chance of a rather good rest of it. Have you seen chemo patients? I don't want to end up like them."

"But it will give you more time..." Lexa tried again, knowing it was useless though.

"How much? A month? Two? I won't spend my last weeks throwing up in a bed for only one more month."

They were sitting in the Central Park again, in the same spot where Clarke had played guitar weeks ago. They often went there to talk about important and not so important things, drink wine or simply enjoy some quiet moments together.

Lexa didn't answer, and Clarke looked away. She couldn't look at her girlfriend's eyes, she couldn't see the pain. She wasn't strong enough to see how much she was hurting Lexa.

Lexa... the one person who has always been there when she needed her, the person who was stronger than anyone else. The person with a horrific past who had fought her way out of a never ending loop of pain, drugs and violence. The one person who would do anything for her. The one person she wasn't ready to lose, the one person she wasn't ready to leave.