I hadn't slept that night, so once morning came, I was beyond grumpy. As the day slunk by, I didn't think anything would make me feel better. And then it started raining.

I smiled at the sky, opening my mouth and letting some drops fall in as I closed my eyes.

The rain drenched us within minutes, and left the others in a bitter mood. But for me, it was as close to swimming I had gotten since I was in my world, and I was going to take it with stride.

"Here, Mr. Gandalf. Can't you do something about this deluge?" Dori asked bitterly.

I turned slightly on Henry to raise a brow at him, but he merely continued glaring at Gandalf.

"It is raining, Master Dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard." Gandalf said.

"Are there any?" Bilbo asked. Myrtle, his pony, was in front of mine.

"What?" Gandalf asked, looking back slightly at Bilbo.

"Other wizards."

"There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the white. Then there are the two blue wizards…" Gandalf paused, in deep thought. "Do you know, I've quite forgotten their names."

"And who is the fifth?" Bilbo asked.

"Well, that would be Radagast the brown."

"Wow." I mumbled. "Talk about foreshadowing."

"Is he a great wizard, or is he more like you?" Bilbo said, and although it sounded entirely innocent, I could tell he was dragging Gandalf.

"I see I got my sass from my mother's side." I said loudly, and Bilbo turned back to look at me, a small smile appearing on his face.

"I think he's a great wizard, in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others." Gandalf said as he looked back at Bilbo and I for a moment.

"Same." I said, before groaning a bit, and then sighing. "Minus the gentle bit, probably."

"He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the east. And a good thing, too. For always evil will look for a foot-hold in this world."

"That's mad ominous, Gandalf." I said, feeling myself shiver involuntarily.

Kili, who was riding behind me, finally spoke up. "You cold, Malia?"

"Not really." I said, sighing. "Kind of regretting wearing a white shirt, though."

I heard trotting from behind me, and turned slightly to watch Kili pick up pace to ride beside me.

"I haven't a clue what that means, Malia." Kili admitted, looking down at my shirt. His brow raised slightly, and I saw a glimmer of amusement in his eyes.

"Yes, the shirt is thin as heck." I said. "But I'm wearing a tank top underneath, and well," I paused, considering whether or not to tell the truth, or try to fit in with middle-earth.

The truth won.

"I'm normally wearing a lot less in a pool. We wear a rash guard, which is like a short sleeved shirt, and then a swimsuit, which is probably the equivalent of underpants here."

Kili looked away immediately, and I had a feeling it was to hide the possibility of him blushing.

"Are bodies something that people keep well hidden here?" I asked him, starting to feel like a fish out of water.

"I wouldn't say that." Kili said, shaking his head. "It's more that women, or at least, dwarf women, keep themselves very well clothed. I don't think many of them know how to swim." Kili let out a deep breath. "There are also very few dwarf women, too."

"Wow." I said. "No wonder my dad ended up marrying a hobbit. I can't imagine my dad being with someone who wouldn't want to swim."

"Would you marry someone who wouldn't want to swim?" Kili asked.

"Well." I paused. "To be honest, I had never thought I'd marry to begin with."

"And why is that?" Kili asked, looking up at the trees.

I looked up as well, and frowned slightly when I noticed the rain was stopping.

"Well, clearly you forgot what I told you yesterday. I'm not really ideal marriage material." I told him, shrugging. "Under-achiever Malia, still living with her father at twenty three, not going to college, staying in the family business. Not going out and meeting people, and consistently smelling of chlorine."

"College?" Kili asked. Man, he was full of questions.

"It's like schooling, where you go and learn more to get a certain skill set, I guess. I dunno." I admitted. "You have schooling, right?"

"Yes, we do." Kili said, a smile forming on his face. "We are not barbarians."

"Well, that's a relief." I said sarcastically. "I was beginning to think you were all savages."

I looked at Kili, and sighed when I saw his frown. "I'm being sarcastic. I didn't think you guys were barbarians, or savages, okay? If I had, I definitely wouldn't have gone with you guys."

"What did you think of us at first?" Kili asked, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was genuinely interested.

"Well, the first dwarf I met was Dwalin." I said, cringing. It had only been a few days ago then, but I had already realized it wasn't my finest hour. "And I had no clue where I was, or where my dad was. Then, and considering my idiotic babble I can't blame him; Dwalin grabbed me and dragged me to Bilbo's house. It all slowly went downhill as the night grew."

Kili chuckled. "What kind of idiotic babble?"

"She asked me if I was on drugs." Dwalin spoke up from his pony which was a few ahead of us. "Then if somehow she was apart of, what was it you said again Lassie?"

I sighed. "A drug deal gone wrong."

All the dwarves chuckled, and I smiled and laughed too.

"She then bit me when I wouldn't let go of her." Dwalin added.

Kili snorted, and I could feel his eyes on me. "You bit him?"

"He wouldn't let go of me, and was asking where the," I brought my hands up to do air quotations. " 'The person who takes care of me' was. And when I told him I didn't need anyone to take care of me, he laughed."

"So you bit him?" Kili teased.

"I reacted like anyone would when thrown into a very high-stress situation." I remarked, looking at Kili out of the corner of my eye to see him grinning at me.

"No." Fili said from his pony behind me. "You reacted like any animal would when thrown into a very high-stress situation."

"Either way." I laughed. "I got my way in the end. I had wanted him to let go of me, and he did." I shrugged.

"Aye Lassie, you did." Dwalin agreed. "And I've got the marks to prove it."

"Hey, you aren't supposed to call me Lassie anymore. I won the bet."

"What are you going to do about it?" Dwalin asked, looking back at me and raising a brow. "Bite me?"

"I wouldn't put it past myself." I laughed.

"If you bite me again, I might just bite back."

God, this conversation had gotten weird.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." I said bitterly. "It's gotten a bit weird. How old are you again, Dwalin? A million? You're far too old to be biting me. I'm a young naive child you should be protecting me."

"A young naive child?" Kili choked out between bursts of laughter.

Kili and I had talked the whole day. It was peaceful. By midday, our clothes had dried under the bright sun, and my legs were starting to hurt from the constant riding.

At one point I had tried sitting cross-legged on my pony. Luckily for me, Kili noticed me falling well before I did, and came to my aid.

Close to nightfall, we stumbled upon a valley. In the valley, there was a creepy ruined house.

"We'll camp here for the night." Thorin said as he dismounted his pony.

"In a haunted house, grand." I mumbled as I jumped off of my pony. "If Samara doesn't get to me first, the Orcs will." I whispered as I started walking to the house, abandoning Henry to inspect the ruins with Gandalf.

"Fili, Kili, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them." Thorin said, and I could hear the two brothers talking to each other somewhere behind me.

As I reached Gandalf, he peered over his shoulder for a moment before looking back at the ruins.

"A farmer and his family used to live here." Gandalf said to himself.

"Same." I said, then groaned. God, 'same' culture was horrible. "Damn it."

"Oin, Gloin, get a fire going." Thorin demanded, and I turned and watched as he startled walking towards Gandalf and myself.

"I think it would be wiser to move on." Gandalf said to Thorin.

"Same." I said, smiling at myself for finally saying same to the right thing.

"We could make for the hidden valley." Gandalf added, turning to look at Thorin.

"I have told you already, I will not go near that place." Thorin hissed.

"Why not?" Gandalf was clearly offended. "The elves could help us. We could get food, rest, advice."

"Do you reckon Elrond knows I exist?" I asked Gandalf. "I know he exists." I added.

Gandalf and Thorin ignored my question.

"I do not need advice." Thorin spat.

"We have a map that we can not read. Lord Elrond could help us." Gandalf insisted, ignoring me and focusing on Thorin.

"Help?" Thorin's expression grew dark. " A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the elves?"

"Do you know how racist you sound right now?" I asked Thorin, and his eyes flashed to me. I could see his anger growing, and I had started to fear Thorin.

"You know what?" I paused as I stepped away. "I'm going to duck out. This is an A and B conversation, and I'll see myself out."

Neither laughed, and with that, I quickly stalked back towards the rest, most particularly Ori and Bombur.

"Tough crowd." I said to Ori.

It was only a few minutes later that Gandalf stormed past us angrily.

"Everything all right?" Bilbo asked, watching as Gandalf walked past him. "Gandalf, where are you going?"

"To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense." Gandalf said rudely.

"And who's that?"

"Myself, Mr. Baggins." Gandalf yelled.

"Please be sure to come back, Gandalf!" I yelled after him.

"I've had enough dwarves for one day." Gandalf yelled back.

"I don't think he heard me." I said, frowning and looking at Ori.

"Come on, Bombur, we're hungry." Thorin said.

"Is he coming back?" I heard Bilbo ask Balin, and I quickly walked up to them.

"He freaking better." I said to Bilbo.

It wasn't that long after Bombur started making dinner that I found myself half asleep on a log next to Ori. The exhaustion from the night before slowly crept on me, and before I knew it, I had actually started to doze off.

It felt like only seconds later that Ori was nudging me awake, and trying to get my head off of his shoulder.

"What now?" I groaned, rubbing my eyes and yawning.

"Bilbo's gone to get the ponies back from trolls." Kili said, jolting me out of my sleepiness.

"What?" I asked, my eyes shooting open to look at him.

Kili looked clearly annoyed, and looked from myself to Ori for a moment before answering me.

"We told him to hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl if he gets in trouble." Kili said bitterly.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this." I admitted, standing up. "But who's going to hear him when you're here instead of there?"

Kili looked taken aback, and looked to his brother for help. Fili's eyes grew, and he shrugged.

"Oh my god." I groaned, looking around the fire for a weapon.

I quickly grabbing a steak knife from near the fire and without another word, I ran into woods.

"Malia!" Kili yelled after me. He caught up to me, and grabbed my hand to stop me. "You can't just run into the woods by yourself." He said, looking offended about the mere fact of it all.

"Why?" I asked, trying to pull my hand away from his. " 'Cause a troll might get me?" I waved the knife around in my free hand.

Upon seeing it, Kili let go of my hand.

"I might not know him very well. Actually, I just met him a couple days ago. But he's my cousin. I can protect myself." I paused, thinking it through. "Probably." I frowned and then shook my head.

"Have a nice day." I said briskly before sprinting away before Kili could even make a remark about it.

"Bilbo will be fine." I said to myself as I pushed a tree branch out of my way, and started slowing down the closer to what I could only assume was the troll's fire. "I might not be." I added, cringing. "But Bilbo should live, please."

The first troll I had ever heard speak, and what he said was "Make him squeal."

The him I could only assume was Bilbo, and without thinking, I ran out from the cover of the trees.

"That's my cousin!" I yelled, waving the steak knife threateningly.

The trolls stopped for a second, looking at me in confusion. Then they realized, I was food too. I was so surprised by how damn ugly they were, I hadn't moved either. They were huge. God, I had made a really bad choice.

And I had thought Gandalf was large, ha! These trolls were at least twice his size.

Before any of the trolls could move towards me, Kili jumped out from a bush nearby, and began slashing at one of the trolls legs with his sword. Kili spotted me, and once he had harmed the troll enough for it to fall to the ground, Kili made his way towards me.

I had never been so thankful to see Kili before. I even ignored how he blatantly stepped in front of me, protecting me as he yelled at the trolls; "Drop him!"

"You what?" One of the trolls asked.

"I said," Kili paused, twirling his sword around impressively. "Drop him."

"Yea!" I added from behind Kili.

I was going to try twirling my steak knife around, but before I could even try, Bilbo was tossed towards us, knocking Kili into me, and then all of us ending up on the forest floor.

I tried to get up, but stopped for a moment and watched in awe as Thorin and the rest of the company had joined us, and then began attacking the trolls.

They were like an insane fighting team. When I had finally gotten a grasp of what was going on, I saw Kili was attacking another troll, and Bilbo had somehow managed to make his way to the other side of the fire, and was trying to get the ponies out.

I had no clue what to do. I knew bows and arrows, not knives. Let alone a tiny steak knife.

So I did what anyone with a limited skill set would do; I made my way to Bilbo to help him out instead.

"Hurry up!" I whispered at Bilbo, grabbing onto the long troll sword to help him cut the rope.

We smiled at each other when the rope finally broke, and the ponies were let free. I lifted my hand up to offer Bilbo a high five, and I watched Bilbo's eyes grow at the sight of something behind me.

Before I could even turn to look, I had been grabbed by gigantic arms and lifted up.

It was the trolls. The trolls noticed us breaking the ponies free. They had grabbed us both, and it was in that moment I realized how wrong I was.

I couldn't protect myself without a bow. And I was not happy about it. Never in my life had I felt so useless before.

"Malia! Bilbo!" Kili yelled when he noticed us in the Troll's hands.

"Lay down your arms, or we'll rip theirs off." One of the trolls said, tugging slightly on our arms to prove a point.

Thorin was the first to throw down his sword, although it was quite clear he didn't want to. I watched as anger flashed over Kili's face before he looked back to me, and he finally dropped his sword too.

"Oh! that's hot, that's hot, that's hot!" Dori yelled, and I frowned as I watched some of the dwarves slowly get turned around on a large log, over a fire.

"Don't bother cooking them, Let's just sit on them and squash them to Jelly!" The cross-eyed troll said, and I looked over at him.

In my mind his name became Edd, like the dim Hyena from Lion King.

"They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage." The troll wearing an apron said, and once again, instead of feeling more fear, I looked dead into that's trolls eyes and said to myself;

"Gordon Ramsey. Probably." I sighed, looking away from the troll. "Can I just say."

"No." Kili hissed, and I had to crane my neck to see him over Gloin.

"I wanted to say sorry, okay?" I said.

"Eat someone your own size!" Gloin yelled, and I twitched. Man, these dwarves had a temper.

Honestly, same.

"Never mind the seasoning, we ain't got all night." The third troll, whom I had mentally named, Ringleader Jones, said as he went closer to the spit. "I don't fancy being turned to stone."

I sighed and again craned my neck again to look at Kili, "Like, I get it now. I am helpless on land without a bow, my bad."

"Wait!" Bilbo yelled from the other side of me, startling me so badly I nearly jumped onto Gloin. "You're making a terrible mistake!"

"You can't reason with them, they are half-wits!" Dori moaned from the spit.

"Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur remarked.

I watched Bilbo as he struggled to get up whilst inside his sack. "I meant with the seasoning."

"What?" I asked him, starting to feel slightly offended.

"Well, have you smelt them? You're gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."

"Traitor!" Bombur screamed.

"Hey!" I yelled too, before I stopped and smelled the air. "Thats… fair, actually."

Man, we all stunk. Although, that might have been the sacks they had put us in.

"What do you know about cooking dwarf?" Ringleader Jones asked.

"Shut up." Gordon Ramsey hissed, getting up from his seat next to the fire and getting closer to Bilbo. "Let the flurgaburburhobbit talk."

"The secret to cooking dwarf is…" Bilbo paused, and I could tell he was making it up as he went along.

"Yes, come on, tell us the secret." Gordon Ramsey said.

"Its uh, yes, I'm telling you, the secret is…" Bilbo inhaled. "To skin them first."

"What? Skin us?" Nori screamed.

"Tom, get me filleting knife." Gordon Ramsey ordered, and I watched with awe as Edd went over and to grab a large knife.

"I'll skin you, you little!" Gloin yelled from beside me, wriggling about like a worm.

"I won't forget that, I won't forget that!" Dwalin added from on the spit.

"What a load of rubbish." Ringleader Jones dismissed. "I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scarf them, I say, boots and all."

"He's right." Edd said, changing directions and coming towards us. "Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf."

Edd walked right up to us, and grabbed the end of my sack, lifting me up into the air.

I screamed bloody murder of course, and closed my eyes as I felt my hair get blown slightly by Edd's breath. He was going to eat me. I wasn't even fully a dwarf, and he was going to eat me.

"Nice and crunchy." Edd said, and I coughed when I smelled his breath.

"Ew, Ew, god fucking Jesus." I said, closing my eyes tighter.

"Oh no, not that one!" Bilbo yelled. "She's… infected!"

"Huh?" Edd sputtered.

"You what?" Ringleader Jones asked.

"Yeah! She's got worms.. in her.. tubes." Bilbo said.

"Eww!" Edd yelled, and with one quick motion, he tossed me back to the pile. This time, however, I plopped head first onto Kili's chest.

"Malia?" Kili asked, worry drenched in his words.

"Dumbass trolls." I groaned. "I'm not even a flipping dwarf." I paused. "Not fully, at least."

"In fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites. It's a terrible business. I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." Bilbo continued.

"Parasites? Did he say parasites?" Oin asked.

"We don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili yelled angrily.

"What are you talking about, Laddie?" Oin added.

I felt Kili move, and although I remained clueless to why or how, I had a feeling it was Thorin kicking Kili to shut up, because not a moment later, the dwarves had changed their tune.

"I've got parasites as big as my arm." Oin said.

"Mine are the biggest parasites. I've got huge parasites!" Kili insisted.

I was still face-first in Kili's chest, which if you think about it, was kind of awkward.

But I hadn't been focusing on that. I had been imagining parasites in tubes. And also thinking about that joke in Middle School about the internet being a series of tubes. Don't ask, Middle School was weird.

"We're riddled."

"Yes, I'm riddled." Ori said from the spit.

"What would you have us do, then?" Ringleader Jones asked. "Let them all go?"

"Well…" Bilbo trailed off.

"You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!"

"Ferret?" Bilbo muttered, and I could tell it was the most offensive thing he had been called in at least a week.

"Fools?" Gordon Ramsey asked Ringleader Jones.

"The dawn will take you all!" The voice was distant, but I knew it was Gandalf, and I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank god." I grumbled.

"Who's that?" Ringleader Jones asked.

"No idea." Gordon Ramsey remarked.

"Can we eat him too?" Edd piped in.

The next thing I heard was the trolls screaming, and it wasn't before long that we were all out of our bags and safe.