Those Drowsy Moments

The earliest train was to Tokyo, so that's where Kagura went.

The city was overwhelming. Kagura knew she would never relax there. She spent one night in a hotel, then met with a travel agency the next morning to book amenities at the condo on the Sohma's private beachside property. At first the agent was dubious, but when Kagura made it clear that money was no issue he secured her their deluxe package. She replenished her wardrobe for the trip, since in her rush to leave her own home she had packed the bare essentials. Kagura enjoyed shopping in Tokyo, but even among the most outrageous crowds her day was punctuated by pangs of loneliness.

It was a relief to step out of her rental car onto white sand beaches. Kagura looked around and decided that this was an acceptable place to feel alone. Maybe, with some time to herself, she would even learn how to appreciate singularity. "I'm going to relax here," she said.

That lasted exactly twenty-four hours.

Kagura quickly realized she wasn't good at doing nothing. The condo was incredibly luxurious, but she couldn't sleep in or laze around on the couch. She tried tanning, she flipped through magazines and opened a book, but nothing captured her attention. That afternoon, she called Rin.

"You told me not to answer your calls," her friend said.

"I was testing you," Kagura retorted. "Obviously, you failed."

"Well, you did call me ten times in a row. I assumed it was an emergency. That, and if my phone rang one more time Haru was going to throw it against the wall."

"Haru's there?"

"Hi, Kagura."

Kagura sighed. "Hi, Haru."

"Don't worry, he's in the kitchen now," Rin said after a moment. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just wanted to talk to you! How is everyone?"

"We're fine. It's only been three days, Kagura. You said you needed to get away, but three days isn't exactly a long vacation. Where are you, anyway?"

"This beautiful beachside resort. Private. Isolated. Just what I wanted." Kagura felt tears pricking her eyes and she squeezed them shut until she saw red.

"Stop making that stupid face," Rin said. "I can hear you making that face that you make when you're getting ready to cry."

"Sorry."

"Look, maybe you should just come back home. Clearly what you wanted isn't working out for you. I know we've all been sort of MIA since everything…it's not fair to you. Come home, and we'll spend some quality time together. Just to the two of us, no Haru. How does that sound?"

Kagura sniffed. "That sounds great."

"Good."

"But I can't leave."

"What do you mean, you can't leave?"

"It feels too much like giving up."

Rin was quiet for a long time. "My offer still stands when you get back. And hell, get a massage or something. Maybe that will help you relax."

So now, Kagura lays face first on a massage table. The masseuse works quietly, except for the occasional grunt as she struggles to loosen up Kagura's knotted muscles. Though she wouldn't have called the deep tissue massage relaxing, Kagura does feel great after it's over. The masseuse wipes sweat from her face with a towel and recommends that Kagura go to a specialist when she gets back home.

Kagura sits on the beach afterward, sipping a fruity cocktail. She watches the ocean crash onto the shore. The roaring sound doesn't soothe her, it just makes her anxious. The constant rhythm of the waves accentuates her own idleness. In the distance, she can spot the colorful sails of wind surfers and wishes that she could join them.

Kagura narrows her eyes after the shrinking sails until they disappear into the horizon. She sets her cocktail down on the sand, struck by an incredible idea. What exactly is keeping her from wind surfing?

With the deluxe package, nothing is denied to her. Kagura spends the rest of her vacation out on the ocean with various instructors and rented equipment. She's quick and competitive, and by the end of the week she's mastered wind surfing, snorkeling, and jet skiing. The instructors—all athletic young men—are so impressed with her that they ask her to dinner. Kagura schedules them for the same night and they go out drinking as a group. At first the men clearly disappointed, but they have such a good time together that they suggest the same activity later in the week. Kagura collapses into her bed alone each night, exhausted and warm with alcohol.

The instructors come by the resort to see her off at the end of the week. They each give her their numbers and suggest she call if she ever comes back. Kagura, touched by the slips of paper in her hands, throws her arms around the three young men and laughs when she realizes that only a few months ago this feat would have been impossible.

She waves goodbye and blows them kisses through the window of her rental car as she drives away, knowing she won't return to the resort. The flight home is direct, and Kagura spends most of it listening to the music in her earbuds, suddenly solemn without the stirring ocean breeze or the hot pressure of the sun on her back. As the plane is boarding she notices that the seat next to her is unoccupied. It's the first time she's gone without company since she booked her wind surfing lesson, not including those drowsy moments between stumbling into her suite and falling into bed.

Rin and Haru are waiting for her at the airport. Haru has even made a little sign with her name printed on it. He holds it up high when he sees her, and Rin waves her over.

"Kagura! How'd it go? I didn't get any more calls, so I figured you finally managed to relax a little bit." Rin frowns when she notices that her friend's smile is strangely fixed on her face. "Hey, you alright?"

Kagura can't help it. She bursts into tears.