Nothing About Her

In Munich, Momiji gets a girlfriend.

He meets her on his second day in the city, his final destination after a brief stay in Leipzig, a week in Dresden, and another few days in Frankfurt. One of the neighbors, a young man named Ralph who's only a few years older than Momiji, greets him in the corridor. They strike up a conversation as they leave the building, and Ralph invites Momiji over for dinner when he playfully complains about eating in restaurants so often. "My sister is coming over to cook," Ralph says, grinning. "She does it about once a week to make sure I eat something other than microwave dinners. I'm sure she'll be delighted to have another mouth to feed."

Momiji agrees, and at seven o'clock he knocks on Ralph's door with a bottle of French wine. A pretty girl with wild red curls answers the door. She's shorter than Momiji by several inches, but her eyes are dancing with attitude behind her large round spectacles. "You must be the new neighbor," she declares, opening the door to let him in. "Ralph told me about you. I'm Lotte, his sister."

Ralph is preparing drinks and tells Momiji to make himself comfortable. The suite is a mirror version of Momiji's, and just as sparsely decorated. Lotte joins her brother in the tiny kitchenette and opens the oven to check on what appears to be potatoes. "When Ralph told me that we had a visitor from Japan, I figured I'd introduce you to some classic German cuisine," she says, smiling. "Bratwurst, sauerkraut and potatoes. If he'd told me you were also German before I came over, I would have made something a little less ordinary."

"It's okay, I'm just happy to eat," Momiji laughs. He doesn't mention that this will be his first home-cooked German meal.

They open the bottle of wine and talk into the early hours of the morning. Lotte is an amazing cook, and Momiji's praise is so genuine that she becomes a bit embarrassed. Blood rushes up to her face and neck in vivid splotches as she drinks the wine. They talk of Ralph's work in real estate, and how Lotte is beginning her first semester of university in the fall. "History," she says proudly when Momiji asks what she's going to study.

The two probe Momiji about his own life but he's careful not to let them glean much information, even after Ralph has poured them several beers. Momiji leaves around two o'clock in the morning.

"Come again next week," Lotte demands.

And he does.

Although Lotte still lives with her parents, she often comes to visit her brother after work during the week. Momiji finds himself at Ralph's in the evenings as well, drawn to his neighbor's easy demeanor. Once, when they're playing chess and drinking beers on Ralph's terrace, he mentions that Lotte's been coming over more frequently. While the observation is conversational, Momiji isn't deaf to the thinly veiled warning. Ralph knows that Momiji is in Munich temporarily.

Lotte has a confidence that verges on aggression, so by the second time she cooks them dinner, she asks Momiji out on a date right in front of her brother. Momiji looks to Ralph, who shrugs, as if to say, "What can you do?"

They go out dancing that weekend. Momiji finds that even he has trouble keeping up with Lotte, but by the time they stumble out of the club, sweaty and laughing, he realizes he's been smiling all night. Her face is blotchy when she stands on her toes to kiss him in the middle of the street.

It's then that Momiji realizes he likes Lotte because there's nothing about her that reminds him of Tohru.

Momiji feels guilty about his revelation, but he can't bring himself to end things with her. Lotte is the first girl who's taken Tohru off his mind. She comes to visit her brother almost every day, until Ralph finally tells her to give up the pretense. "I'll tell our parents you're over here if they call," he says. After that she always ends up on Momiji's door step, but they frequently wander over to Ralph's later in the evening regardless.

Momiji comes to enjoy his time alone with Lotte. She likes to talk about current events and politics, two things Momiji has no interest in, but she's also knowledgeable of art and music and literature. It's refreshing not to speak about those forbidden things others so easily discuss—family and friends, childhood, future aspirations.

Once, after he's told a funny story about Haru, he catches Lotte staring at him strangely. "What?" he asks.

"This is the first time you've talked about your family," she says, smiling. "Usually you just deflect personal questions with some kind of random comment or joke. You're good at it. You're never rude or weird about it, but after a while a person sits back and realizes they don't know anything about you."

Momiji doesn't know what to say. Part of him is relieved that he talked about his past without thinking about it. Another part is terrified at the awareness that he was intentionally holding it back all this time. Lotte doesn't pester him about it, and for that he is grateful.

When they aren't talking, Lotte likes to pull Momiji into the bedroom. For the first time, Momiji has to come to terms with how naïve he is. Lotte is as surprised by his inexperience as he is by her unabashed sexuality, and even though she chuckles a bit, she agrees to take things slow. Momiji becomes more comfortable as the weeks go by, but he refuses to let her stay the night. He tries to imagine what it would be like to fall asleep breathing in the spicy scent of her curly red hair, but he can never completely shove Tohru's peaceful figure out of the sheets.

Maybe if Lotte was actually laying here I could forget about it, Momiji thinks, but he can't risk it. He couldn't do that to her until he was sure.

About what, he doesn't know. Lotte is fully aware he's going back to Japan to finish school in the fall, and yet she hasn't seemed to brace herself against the reality, to put up boundaries to keep herself from getting hurt. Momiji doesn't understand.

So he asks her.

They're sitting on his couch, drinking tea. Her expression is blank when he asks the question, and slowly he starts to see the red blotches bloom across her neck. "Why would you bring that up?" she asks, and Momiji realizes that she is not embarrassed, she's angry.

"It needed to be said," Momiji replies.

"No, Momiji, I don't put up boundaries," Lotte snaps. She puts her tea cup on the coffee table. Her hands are shaking. "I don't deflect when people ask me about my life. I don't have anything to hide, and I'm not afraid of getting hurt. I'm not a coward."

"I'm sorry that you apparently think I am," Momiji says, frowning. He also sets down his tea. "I didn't mean for this to upset you, Lotte. We can talk about something else."

"No, I want to talk about this!" Lotte says. "It's okay that I'm upset, and it's okay if you get upset, too! I just called you a coward, Momiji. Doesn't that make you mad at all?"

"Why would it? You're right," Momiji whispers. To his horror, his eyes begin to fill with tears. Lotte's face looks pale and stricken, but she takes him into her arms when he leans into her and combs his blonde hair with her fingers.

"I'm not," Lotte tells him, shaking her head. "I can only say that because I've never been hurt by love before, not like this. Who is she?"

Momiji wishes he could tell her the whole story, but all he can say is, "A friend who's much happier with another man."

"You never fought for her?"

"I couldn't."

"Then you'll never know if you could make her happier," Lotte says. She pulls away and grabs him by the shoulders. "Momiji, you'll never know unless you fight."

Momiji wipes away his tears, confused. "But…what about you?"

"You said it yourself, you were going back to Japan anyway," she laughs. "I knew that when I asked you out. Besides, you're never going to love me as long as you love her. You're not that kind of guy."

And Momiji knows she's right.

After a month in Munich, he books his flight back to Japan and begins to pack his things. Ralph and Lotte cook him one last meal before he leaves. Ralph wraps him in a bear hug and tells him to stay in touch. Lotte plants a big kiss on his cheek. "If you don't find what you're looking for, you know where to find me," she tells him with a wink. Momiji smiles. Even if he did come back for her, he doubts she would be waiting.

"Thank you," he says.

When he shuts the door behind him, he doesn't look back.