Chapter 14

Civilian

When he woke up again he was told by Elizaveta that he was officially on the hospital's suicide watch and wasn't allowed to leave for a few days or even move. He got used to the restraints after a little while. He was too tired to care and he didn't move unless he forgot he was immobilized. It was a hard three days. His guardians, of course, stayed with him in shifts, taking turns going home to shower or check in with the new employees at the shop.

He was genuinely happy the day the nurses took the restraints off and told him he was to be discharged that day. Roderich entered the room with a bag of fresh clothes and helped him change while Elizaveta filled out some papers and spoke with a doctor about possible therapists to send Feliciano to see in the near future.

"Fuck," Feliciano groaned when the sleeve of his shirt rubbed against the bandage on his hand where the IV was removed. He was tired and weak and had to sit in the bed while Roderich dressed him like he would a child. They finished up and a nurse came by with a wheelchair. They wheeled him to the front of the hospital and Roderich carried him to the car. It was very reminiscent of that night.

They rode home and Roderich once more was helping Feliciano inside the house and to his new room, the second guest room. Feliciano eyed the door to his old room.

"Why is there a new door?"

Roderich settled him into his new bed. "It was broken down." Feliciano was ready to apologize again when he was stopped. "It's just a door."

The Austrian picked up the fluffy comforters and laid them across Feliciano's legs before he turned to the TV and flipped it on. The man had an affinity for moving TV's into the boy's room.

Then he sat in bed next to the Italian. "It's a lazy day," he simply said. Elizaveta came into the room with a tray of food and sat it on Roderich's lap before she sat down on Feliciano's other side. The three of them spent their day in that bed, refusing to leave one another. When night came they still remained, getting under the covers and sandwiching Feliciano between them. The bed was big enough to fit them comfortably and the Italian snuggled into the overstuffed pillows. Both guardians kissed him on the head before he fell asleep.

And they were there when he woke up from a nightmare hours later. Elizaveta held him and cooed to him while Roderich went to find something comforting, returning with a glass of water and a book.

They laid him back down in his blankets and they told him they loved him. Roderich read some stories from a book of fairy tales and Feliciano was resting easy once more.

A few mornings later he woke up to Elizaveta sitting next to him and knitting something.

"Good morning, Feli," she chirped. "Roddy went out earlier but he should be back soon."

He groaned in response, still dead tired. His neck and arm were hurting but he felt too bad to ask for medicine given that he did it to himself.

Elizaveta reached over and handed him two small pills. "Don't even think about being brave. Take this."

He smiled and took the medicine before laying back down and waiting for it to kick in. In the living room he could hear Lovino swearing at Antonio to stop being 'such a jerk bastard so early in the morning.' Said Spaniard came to Feliciano's room, where the door was ajar, and poked his head in with a cheery greeting of "Beunos dias!"

From the living room there was a pillow-muffled "Shut the fuck up!" which made Feliciano giggle. They could hear the front door open and shut, signaling Roderich was back. Another swear from Lovino ("What the fuck!") and a few steps later he was in Feliciano's room while Antonio scooted out to see what was distressing Lovino.

He sat on the bed and opened up a paper bag, taking out an orange bottle with Feliciano's name printed on it. Feliciano frowned, automatically knowing they were depression pills. Some therapist had visited him at the hospital during his watch and talked to him a bit before writing a prescription.

He didn't like the idea, nor did he like it when Elizaveta had told him on his last day there that he would have to start going to therapy.

"I know it sucks," Roderich said, holding out the bottle. "But you need these."

Feliciano frowned more when Roderich opened the bottle and poured out a small, blue pill. Feliciano pulled the puppy eyes out which effectively guilt tripped the Austrian.

"Take it or you don't get your present."

Feliciano sat up abruptly. "Present?"

Roderich and Elizaveta smiled. "Yes, we got you a surprise. I can't very well return it so you better take the medicine," he jabbed.

The pill was placed in his shaky hand and he watched it for a moment before he slowly brought it to his lips and swallowed it. Elizaveta made him turn to her and open his mouth to prove he took it.

"Alright, Roddy. Go get it," she hummed. The teen flushed in embarrassment. Roderich nodded to his wife and left. When he returned he had something unexpected cradled in his arms:

A cat.

The cat was mellowed out and purring in the Austrian's arms. It was white with brown patches on its head, leg, and tail. There was a slight curl in his fur to the side of his head.

"His name is Gino," Roderich told him. "He's a rescue cat." The cat began to struggle and jumped onto the bed, tucking and rolling into the mass of blankets. Gino wiped his face with his tiny paw before jumping onto Feliciano's lap. He was impossibly soft and affectionate and continuously rubbed his face against Feliciano's stomach.

"Oh, kitty kitty!" He cooed down to Gino.

Roderich and Elizaveta left the room, sure to leave the door open, and moved to the living room where Lovino was groggily sitting up and trying his best to be mad at Antonio.

"You jerk bastard," he growled at Roderich. "Who just dumps a fatass cat on people? I was trying to sleep!"

"I'm sure you'll feel better after your daily siesta. Besides, I needed to put him somewhere. I didn't want to ruin the surprise."

"I can't believe you got him a cat. Feli basically is a cat."

"Cats get lonely," Elizaveta said airily.

Ludwig stopped by later that day to check in on Feliciano. He hadn't seen him since the hospital and the Italian wasn't responding to his texts much (being caught up in the wave of affection and constant movie nights at home). What he wasn't expecting when he entered the house was the new door and the distinct smell of a litter box.

It wasn't much of a surprise later when he entered Feliciano's room and saw the furry bundled cat on the Italian's lap while he stroked him behind the ears.

"Since when do you have a cat?" he asked, positive he had never seen it before.

"Since this morning," Feliciano hummed. He still seemed off, speaking somewhat quietly and less excitedly than he used to.

Ludwig took a seat on the bed and reached a tentative hand out to the purring feline, who lifted his head and licked his pale fingers.

"Aw, he likes you," Feliciano cooed.

"He looks like he would enjoy anyone."

"That is true."

"It looks like he doesn't do much."

"That is also true."

Feliciano was feeling the effects of the damn pills he was given already. He knew there wouldn't be a drastic change, which was movie bullshit. The painkillers had dulled the ache in his neck and arm and the blue pill made him feel unnatural but just a sliver better, like he could hold onto the idea of being happy again rather than let it slip through his fingers as it always had. Or was it this loving little cat that made him feel like there was hope again? The last few days have been so groggy and tiresome that he didn't know who did what anymore, or what he even felt other than slight disdain.

Sure, he appreciated all the love and the visit from his best friend, but he couldn't shake the feeling of it being forced. It was like they were pretending but he couldn't figure out why other than to perhaps make themselves feel better to help the poor orphan boy.

Nothing made sense and the trip to the hospital and the pills didn't change that. He felt too guilty to even tell anyone that, while he loved the affection and attention, he hated it all the same. It still felt wrong in the afterglow.

"How have you been faring?" Ludwig interrupted his thoughts. "Be honest."

That was an idea. Feliciano frowned and thought for a moment—it couldn't hurt to talk about it. He did it once and it felt good, and now that everyone knew about his problem it wasn't like he had anything to lose anymore. "Not okay."

"Not okay? Why, what's bothering you?"

The brunette looked at him with sad eyes. "I don't like this. Everyone knows what I did and I don't like that I failed. I was on suicide watch and it was really lonely when Roddy or Eliza weren't there." He took a breath. "And now they're making me take medicine that's supposed to make me not want to kill myself and they said they're gonna send me to therapy."

Ludwig wasn't expecting an actual answer but was glad to get one nonetheless. "This is just something you need to get through. You remember being happy, ja? You'll get back to that and you'll be plenty happy you failed."

"But I won't get back to that," he whispered. "My parents are still dead."

"You'll learn to live without them."

"How? I wasn't even this miserable until they fucking died," he hissed lightly. Gino startled and stood up, rubbing against his owner, standing on his hind legs and using his front paws on Feliciano's shoulder to get to his chin.

"So your depression started when your parents passed," Ludwig observed.

"It would have happened either way, I'm sure."

The blonde stared at him. "Why are you so sure?"

"Because it wasn't until they died that I realized how… how much better it could have been. I would have realized eventually. I think living here just delayed it. Because… because how could I want to off myself so soon when I finally had a nice home instead of that house?"

Ludwig sat silently and tried to make sense of what his friend was telling him. So Feliciano either would have been depressed through his parents' death (totally understandable, losing a family)… or he would have become depressed at home, where his parents were alive, because… because…

"Feliciano… what was it about your old home that makes you think you would have become depressed there?"

The little Italian met his eyes and the same hopeless look came back to his face, just like the day he showed Ludwig the cuts. "Ask Lovino," he sighed. "I don't care if you know, but I can't… I just can't talk about it again."

Fuck it, Feliciano told himself. All in. What was the point in keeping secrets when he was just going to kill himself the next chance he gets? He hated making everyone so sad, as he realized from his first attempt, but he figured he deserved to get this one thing: to choose how he died when he didn't have the choice to choose how he lived. It was his one selfish act he was willing to act on.

The German quietly apologized and gently hugged his broken friend. Elizaveta appeared at the door with a smile, quickly asking, "Ludwig, how would you like to spend the night? We could use some more nice young men around here!"

His face flushed and he sputtered.

"Of course you're staying," Austria butted in from the hall. "I already set the table for six."

Inside Feliciano was distressed to have his friend over again. He was already so emotional and coddled that he didn't want to be seen like this, it was hard enough to handle visitors! But he couldn't let anyone know it bothered him, no. Instead he put on a poker face and faked joy to be with his friend all night. He may be willing to talk every once in a while, as he did before, but he didn't know if he could handle being honest all night. There was no turning back now and he suddenly regretted opening up so soon.

That dinner was the first one Elizaveta had let Feliciano eat at the table instead of in his room. It was almost like the way things were before, except Feliciano was quieter than usual. Everyone had grown used to the young teenager acting differently and would rather him act how he felt than the front he had been putting up for so long and so well.

He felt almost normal being there with his friends and family, eating an actual dinner. His parents never did this, at least not since he was a young boy. Things would be complete if only Nonno were there.

And after dinner they gathered in the living room and watched TV. Lovino was caught off guard by a suddenly playful Gino attacking the curl on his head, which bobbed as the energetic cat played with it. It wasn't until Antonio pulled the cat away and distracted him with some yarn Elizaveta had left out that Lovino could have some peace.

After a few episodes of some show, Feliciano yawned and went to his room. As the new house rules said, he left his door open before he retreated to bed. Elizaveta and Roderich eventually went in to say their goodnights to him but found he was already fast asleep with Gino trying to jump into bed with him.

Ludwig remained in the living room, unsure of what to do.

"His old room is still being fixed up," Antonio told him, sensing the mood. "So you can go sleep in his bed with him. He would like that."

"Ja, he is rather affectionate."

Lovino scoffed. "Fucking potato bastard, trying to get close to my fratello."

Ludwig shook his head and was ready to get to bed early when he remembered what Feliciano had said. Ask Lovino.

"Hey, Lovino?" He called. "Could I ask you something?"

"Hmph. What is it?"

"Earlier I was speaking with Feliciano and he said he would have become depressed whether he was here or at his old home. He told me to ask you about his home life. Could you enlighten me? He said he couldn't talk about it…"

The older Italian watched him and took in what he said. He didn't want his fiancé to find out this way, but it was important…

"Come with me." He stood and walked to the office and closed the door behind them. Antonio leaned against a wall and Ludwig and Lovino took the two seats that were near the desk. "If you speak a word of this to anyone outside this house I will end you." He glanced back to his fiancé before adding, "That goes for the both of you."

They each nodded and urged Lovino to continue.

"Alright. Get comfortable, this is a long story."

A/N: No, I don't actually know what happens at a hospital when you're in for an attempt, but I think I read they keep you for three days. I don't know if they'd actually have a therapist or prescribe pills already, so here we have the it-was-needed-for-the-plot reasoning I mentioned before.

And no, depression pills wouldn't kick in on your first day taking them. I know with anxiety/depression pills, it could take weeks or a month to even start working. So it's his cat making him feel different.

I wrote this last year and I didn't pick up much more insight on these things in that time, but my best friend was put on depression pills and I saw how they made her more anxious at first. It's not a magical cure and it doesn't make you suddenly better, it's supposed to make it easier to cope. And, for those who wouldn't know, these types of pills can make you more emotional and easy to upset at first. If you're first taking your pills and notice something little makes you cry, don't stop taking them. Power through it. You might just need time to adjust.

"Civilian" by Wye Oak

I am nothing without pretend

I know my thoughts

Can't live with them

I am nothing without a man

I know my faults

But I can't hide them