Chapter 16

Illusion

It was not much of a surprise when Ludwig woke up to find Feliciano was cuddling into his warm, broad chest. That seemed to always happen whenever the two slept in close quarters, depression or not. Hoping to start his day a little brighter, Ludwig reached out and scratched Feliciano's head behind his ear. The Italian smiled in his sleep and cuddled further into the blonde, nuzzling his nose against his chest. Well, that didn't go as planned. He eased up and let him sleep in a little longer.

A few minutes later Feliciano was yawning and waking up ever so slowly. He was partially awake now but felt so warm and comfortable that he latched onto Ludwig's arm and used him as a teddy bear.

"Feliciano," Ludwig grumbled.

"Five more minutes," he said sleepily. Ludwig sighed and gave in, wrapping his free arm around the Italian and letting him get comfy.

"Fine, but only five. I'm counting."

Feliciano smiled against his arm and snuggled in his safe little nest of blankets, a German man, and a cat. It was warm and safe and perfect in every way. He actually forgot how depressed he was and laid there, not thinking of suicide or cutting or crying. It was so intensely peaceful that he wanted it to never end.

He woke up another hour later, this time to Ludwig being asleep. As it turns out they were both tired and Ludwig had no intentions of actually keeping count of time and, if he did, couldn't make it that long before passing out.

So Feliciano continued to rub against his chin like a cat and cuddle him and be overly affectionate like his old self until the German man woke up, flushing when he realized what was happening.

Once they were awake they sat up and Feliciano groaned and rubbed his sore neck. Ludwig frowned and popped out of the room, finding Roderich to get the pain meds he knew were necessary, and popped back in handing the Italian the white pills with a glass of water. Feliciano smiled as a thanks and took the medicine quietly. He was surprised when Ludwig placed a third pill in his hand: a cyan-and-white capsule.

"But Luddy," he whined, batting his eyelashes.

"Feliciano." That look of understanding was pleading. Feliciano frowned and took the pill just to make him stop. "Very good. Thank you, Feliciano."

The Italian laid back down on his soft pillows, waiting patiently for the pain medicine to start working before he tried to get up and do anything. Ludwig sat with him and played with his hair again and Feliciano wondered what he did to deserve such wonderful friends.

"I was thinking," the blonde started. "Maybe we could go out and do something today."

"Go out? But I wasn't even allowed out of bed until last night," Feliciano replied.

"Well, I talked to Roderich earlier and he thought it'd be a good idea for you to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Scientifically speaking it should help your depression."

"I'm not depressed."

"Yes you are," he corrected. "Do you want to go out?"

"What if people see me?" Feliciano self-consciously touched his neck, tracing the fading ache of the still present bruise. "They'll know."

"That's what scarves are for."

Feliciano sat up and gave his friend a hopeful look. He may be full of self-doubt and loathing, but he did like the idea of getting out of the house he had been bound to.

"There's a new movie out, I thought you might want to see it."

Feliciano smiled wide. "I got to watch a lot of TV with Roddy. I didn't have a TV at my old house. Which movie? I saw so many commercials and there was one for some weird towel that picked up everything and the salesman was creepy and he kind of reminded me of a shark and—"

"Calm down, Feliciano," Ludwig chuckled. It was nice seeing him act the way he used to. "I'll take that as a yes to any movie. Do you need to get showered before we go?"

"…Si, I've been in bed for a while."

"Roderich said you might need some help, considering your arm. I'll go get him—"

"No!"

Ludwig looked at him with a worried expression. "Feliciano, are you okay?"

"Mi dispiace," he mumbled. "I just hate when Roddy tries to help me bathe. It's so embarrassing! And he tries to help me when I don't need it. I'm not supposed to get my arm wet and that's only really a problem when I wash my hair, but…"

"But what, Feli?"

"…but he doesn't wash it right," he blushed. "And he tries to pull my curl straight. Then he tries to help me clean everything even though I tell him I can do it one-handed and it's very uncomfortable."

Ludwig sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. "Do you want me to help you instead?"

Feliciano smiled. "If you don't mind."

"Ja, whatever. But why is that curl an issue? What is that even for?"

The Italian's face flushed again and he mumbled a quick "Don't worry about it" before he hopped out of bed and started gathering his clothes to change into.

They reached the bathroom and stepped inside. Ludwig offered to leave while Feliciano got undressed but he said that was okay and to close his eyes if it bothered him. So Ludwig closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sounds of clothes rustling off the thin Italian.

"You can lock the door," Feliciano said, still taking clothes off. "We only leave it unlocked when it's me in here alone. And everyone leaves their doors open like mine so I don't feel too bad."

Ludwig turned around, feeling for the sink as not to bump into anything, and clicked the door lock.

"I don't mind being seen but I didn't think you'd like to be walked in on helping another guy in the bath."

Ludwig grunted in response, knowing he would have his ass handed to him if Lovino had walked in on him helping his naked brother clean himself.

Feliciano wrapped a towel around his waist, casting some modesty for the sake of his friend. Ludwig turned back around and started the water in the bathtub, sticking his hand in to test the temperature. Once he stopped the water Feliciano dropped his towel and got in, causing Ludwig to blush once again when he saw his friend's nice ass.

He brushed the embarrassment aside and sat a new towel on the edge of the tub before grabbing Feliciano's bandaged arm to set on it, leaving the Italian with one arm resting on the side of the tub. Then he cupped his hands with water and got Feliciano's hair wet. He added some soap and scratched it in, amused by the content look on Feliciano's face. He really did love having his hair touched.

When his hand got too close to the curl Feliciano grabbed it harshly. "Don't touch that."

"Why? It's just hair."

"Just let me get it." Confused about why he cared, Ludwig let it be and let Feliciano use his free hand to move the shampoo around it, carefully avoiding it. Once they were done with his hair, Feliciano was attempting to wash his legs and chest and everything he could reach before asking for help. Ludwig sighed and grabbed the washrag to get his back. Feliciano, once again, responded like a cat with a happy expression.

Once they were done Feliciano was sitting on the toilet, towel around his waist, while Ludwig used the spare to gently pat his arms dry. He turned his back as the Italian got dressed and the two left the bathroom together. Upon leaving they were met with Lovino, who raised his eyebrows at them.

"I fucking swear to God, potato bastard—"

Roderich stepped between them and handed Ludwig some money. "I'll drive you two to the movies, you can use this for the tickets."

Lovino growled at his blockade and Ludwig thanked his lucky stars for the Austrian man. The three left the house and drove down the street.

The movie had a definite effect on Feliciano. He cried at the start, which wasn't unnatural since he wasn't the only one and it began with the mother dying. It seemed cruel to Ludwig to start a movie like that, but it was over now.

They waited outside the theatre until they saw Roderich's car pull up in front, which they hopped in. The weather was still chilly and Ludwig was almost envious of Feliciano's scarf. They drove off in a comfortable silence. It was obvious how amused Feliciano had been, he was sitting in his seat humming the music from the movie to himself the entire ride. Normally this would be annoying but now it was a pleasant thing to hear since the teen had been too depressed to even talk much.

They got home and Feliciano tackled his brother at the couch, excitedly telling him how much fun he had and how great the movie was.

"You'd really like it, fratello! The girl was a lot like you! She was all don't kiss me and she kicked everyone's ass and it was the coolest!"

"Was it?" Lovino chuckled.

"Yeah! And there was a raccoon and so many aliens and I need that guy's leg!"

"What the fuck did you even see?!"

Ludwig sat down on a chair near the couches. "I took him to see Guardians of the Galaxy."

Antonio fidgeted in his seat before bursting out, "Nothing goes over my head! My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it."

Feliciano bounced with excitement. "You saw it, too?!"

"I WAS SO EXCITED I SAW IT THREE TIMES. Gilbert and Francis loved it! We were crying at the beginning—"

"—when Peter's mom died and she gave him the mixtape—"

"—Awesome Mix Volume two!"

The two brunettes sat there and continued to talk about the movie they deemed to be the greatest movie in the existence of mankind. Lovino and Ludwig just watched.

Ludwig turned to the older Italian, muttering, "It was a good movie but it wasn't that good."

Lovino scoffed, "Nothing beats Boondock Saints."

"I wasn't a fan of the sequel."

"You can't just fucking replace Rocco! Killing him was a great injustice!"

From the kitchen the Edelsteins watched in amusement as all the kids talked. It was nice seeing them all getting along, and it was especially nice to see Feliciano this way again. Sadly they knew this wouldn't last. It was just a good day for the teenager. They wanted to make sure the day didn't end so soon. Roderich picked up the phone and ordered pizza and Elizaveta skipped into the living room, suggesting they all play a board game. Being in good moods, they collectively agreed and broke out Monopoly.

They played it for ten minutes before all hell broke loose.

"Fuck!" Roderich hissed when he rolled a three. Lovino cackled evilly.

"TAKE THAT, BITCH. GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT TWO-HUNDRED DOLLARS!"

Antonio watched him with horrified eyes. "Lovi!"

"Bastard was trying to take Boardwalk, damn it! I need that place!"

"At least you're not the thimble," Ludwig muttered.

"I got to be the racecar, vroom vroom," Feliciano chirped.

Elizaveta sighed and picked up the box to the game. "Maybe we should play another game…"

"HA! TAKE THAT, BITCH."

"Goddamn it, Lovino!" Roderich yelled. He had once again gotten a shitty roll, landing him on the spot that said he lost his house to a fire. He had just refused to buy insurance because it was "a scam" and "a waste of money."

Antonio counted his brightly-colored dollars and supplied, "Lovi gets very competitive in games. You don't ever want to see him on an Xbox."

They played on until finally Antonio won the game of Life. The pizza had been delivered but waited on the table since everyone was too invested in their games to just leave them.

After they ate there was a knock on the door and Gilbert let himself in, waving to Antonio while announcing he had to take Ludwig home. He saw Feliciano playing with his new cat on the living room floor and walked by, telling Feliciano he was glad to see him doing well.

Ludwig hugged Feliciano goodbye and promised to text him. It was dark out and Feliciano retreated back to his room after his full day of excitement. He crashed into his bed, too tired to undress himself, and cuddled into the blankets. He had his eyes closed and felt the shifting of the mattress. He opened his eyes and spotted his brother sliding into his bed.

"Toni's snoring," he mumbled as an excuse.

Feliciano nodded into the pillow and closed his eyes. "It's been a while since we shared a bed," he sleepily mused.

"Yeah." The brothers got comfy under the pile of blankets and slept together for the first time in five years. It felt safe and nice, like when they were kids (despite the screams from their parents' room).

Feliciano felt the bad feelings creep up on him again and he sniffled and tried to conceal his feelings, not wanting his brother to know. Instead Lovino pulled him in to his chest, much like Ludwig had. He stroked his little brother's hair and hummed a bit, something their mother used to do for them when they were very young and still very loved.

Lovino wanted nothing more than to make up for abandoning his brother and leaving him to fall apart like this. He continued to pet Felicianon's hair and began to hum and sing a bit as a lullaby. And in this moment, Lovino understood what his little brother was feeling. He knew he wouldn't just get over his depression and dark thoughts or the bad urges he knew he had. He just wanted his little brother back. He didn't think he could handle another attempt.

Feliciano sobbed a little and Lovino continued to stroke his hair and hold him close. It was best for him to let it all out rather than keep it inside like he'd been doing. Lovino felt like he was the only person who even saw that his brother was still struggling with talking about his feelings. It seemed like Feliciano had finally taken after Lovino in that aspect.

The younger brother cried until he calmed down. Lovino kept humming and holding him close. Surprisingly enough, Feliciano felt a little better afterward. He still felt like giving up but he finally understood: these caring people aren't faking it. It's not just some self-righteous act. If someone like Lovino could give in and treat him so tenderly, there was no way it was anything but genuine.

He fell asleep with his brother, assured the hope he had given up was salvageable. The seed of doubt, however, grew on inside his chest. If he didn't silence it soon, it would bloom into something devastating and unstoppable. There was a balance to wanting to live or give up, but tonight it tilted into the warmth of hope.

A/N: This isn't GerIta, I swear.

A happier chapter this time! Don't worry. I'll make sure to fuck shit up as usual.

This is around the point I went back in and starting revising (to the point of adding more chapters to a story that was already around 19 chapters long), so updates are going to be random but still quick.

"Illusion" by VNV Nation

I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel

Hoping what you need is behind every door

Each time you get hurt, I don't want you to change

Because everyone has hopes, you're human after all

The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else

Feeling as though you never belong

This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy

I truly understand. Please, don't cry now