Chapter 17

Stop and Stare

The first visit to the therapists was draining. He had to talk about everything and be evaluated, this time not just by some hospital therapist. He was then diagnosed with anxiety and depression—or was it situational depression? He was too spaced out to catch half the things the old man said to him or asked.

The saddest thing Elizaveta ever heard was when she was driving him back home and he asked her if he was messed up for how he reacted to incidents—learning that day that he had an anxiety disorder, which caused him to be more bothered by little problems. It made sense to him now why he would be late to class and feel absolutely humiliated when Alfred would often come to class late and brush it off (though Alfred isn't a good example). Even Ludwig would come late and just apologize and sit down. Feliciano didn't know he wasn't supposed to panic. He thought it was normal, at least for him.

He took his phone out and clicked Ludwig's name before typing,

He said I have depression and anxiety

The phone vibrated back, showing the timely reply.

How are you feeling now? Did it help?

He hated to admit it and he hesitated before typing,

Eh. But know whats wrong now

They got back home and Lovino called for Feliciano to join him in the kitchen to help. Happy for the distraction and illusion of being normal he immediately obliged and helped his brother make their dinner. It reminded both brothers of growing up and fending for themselves. It was a darker time, and even today was part of dark times, but it was getting brighter as it went.

The bruising on Feliciano's neck was now gone and it felt good to finally be able to walk around without a scarf or turtleneck on. His arm was healing but scarred, but he could live with that. They went on cooking together as Antonio sat at the nearby table on his laptop. The happy Spaniard soon called out, "Lovi, Lovi! Come look!"

Lovino went over to him, staring at the screen. His face held a small smile which made Feliciano curious.

"What is it?" he asked.

Lovino turned the laptop so Feliciano could see the screen which held an image of a house. "Looks like we just got a new house."

Feliciano's face dropped. Before his brother and (then secret) boyfriend were living in an apartment in a town hours and hours away. Now they had a house? Those were so much more permanent. When would he even see him now?

Huh. Is that the anxiety or is that just a normal response? Feliciano couldn't help but wonder if what he felt had to do with one of his disorders.

"Why the long face?" Antonio asked.

Lovino walked to his brother and smirked at him. "Our new house is going to be about fifteen minutes away from here."

Feliciano's face lit up. "You're coming back?"

"Si."

"For good?"

"Si, si. I'm coming back."

Feliciano was so excited he nearly knocked over the pots on the burner when he hugged his brother. "You're really coming back? This is real?"

"Of course it is, Feli," Antonio chimed in. "Family should be together. Besides, I've been missing my friends from around here."

The hug lasted a long time before Lovino tried to separate himself from his brother. He noticed the tears sliding down the younger's cheeks and he placed his hands on his shoulders. "Shit, Feli, don't cry! What is it this time? What, was therapy rough? Shit, shit, chigi, what did we do?" He worried and chewed his lip trying to figure out what he had done to set off his brother when he heard a giggle.

"Happy tears," he cried. "I've missed you."

And they hugged again, leaving Antonio to skirt around them and tend to the forgotten food. From the living room Elizaveta and Roderich smiled at the encounter and felt like Feliciano was getting closer to recovering.

Sadly, the recovery was further down the road than they could anticipate. Feliciano wasn't about to forget his problems and he was far from ready to give up his habits.

Lovino and Antonio had left days later and the small family was left alone once more. Feliciano was given time off school to recover for a little while before he was faced with the same stressful environment that his therapist was convinced played a decent role in his depression.

Feliciano also never told him about the abuse, still having trouble accepting it himself.

Things were back to when his parents died, with one of his guardians always being home while the other was at work or checking in at the flower shop. Feliciano simply wasn't allowed to be alone for extended periods of time, even with all the sharp and potentially poisonous items locked away. It went as far as Elizaveta making sure he kept his nails trimmed so he would have a harder time hurting himself. It was frustrating for the young man to say the least.

Then there was the awful weekly shopping trip.

Elizaveta killed the engine and unbuckled her seatbelt, waiting for Feliciano to do the same. Roderich was at the shop and wouldn't be back until late, which prompted her to go grocery shopping since they were running low on food. Feliciano was forced to tag along, which he hated more than himself at the moment. He wouldn't admit it but since the attempt he was losing his ability to deal with crowds and seeing people.

He wouldn't dare tell his therapist, even if it was confidential. All he wanted was for everyone to see him as normal again, to stop acting like he was a bomb about to explode, and to leave him the hell alone every once in a while.

"Come on, Feli, let's go before it gets too crowded!"

"Yes, Miss Hungary!"

She smiled at the name and they stepped out of the car and crossed the street into the store. Feliciano could already feel the anxiety welling up in his chest as they grabbed a shopping cart and walked around deserted aisles.

Every time they passed someone—anyone—stock boy, tired mom with a baby, old man looking at greeting cards—the anxiety grew. Feliciano knew in the back of his mind that none of these people knew him or cared what he was doing at the store on a school day, and none of them were even looking at him, but he couldn't stop the fear blooming.

They're better than you. You should be in school and where are you? Being babysat in a grocery store by a women who doesn't even trust you to have long nails. Why couldn't you have killed yourself right? This wouldn't be a problem if you'd suffocated like you were supposed to.

Feliciano rubbed the back of his neck, not even feeling the slight ache where the bruises were healing. He bumped into Elizaveta when she stopped to look at bread, causing her to turn around to him. She recognized the anxious look in his eyes and the distance his gaze had, never landing on anything.

"Feli, honey," she spoke quietly, "Are you okay?"

He dropped his hand and felt his ears burn as he tried to say, "S-si," instead getting a weak voice and tell-tale signs of his lie.

"Feli, don't lie," she said with soft eyes. "Do you need to leave?"

Jesus, look at you. You can't even handle being in store for two seconds?

"Yes," he mumbled, eyes on the floor. "But if we leave now it'll be a waste of a trip."

Elizaveta stood quietly, mulling over her options in her head before pulling her car keys from her purse. "How bad is it? Do you need to be home or do you just need to be out of the store?"

That was the moment Feliciano knew Elizaveta might know what she was doing. It seemed remarkable to him that she would understand that he didn't just need to leave and go back home, but needed to get away from the outside world for a moment.

"Store… I need to get out of the store…" It didn't surprise him how hard it was to admit that. "I think I'm going to cry," he quickly added to stress the need to get away.

The car keys were placed gently in his hands. "Go wait in the car, I'll be out in a few minutes. You'll be okay, Feli. I trust you."

He quickly nodded with a shy smile and hurried outside and to the car, dropping the keys a few times with his increasingly shaky hands as he tried to unlock the passenger door. Once he was inside with the door closed he felt he could breathe, unaware of the breath he had been holding. The car was good, it was safe. No one was in the car to judge him and know he had problems.

He sat there with his head in his palms until he heard a tapping at the window where Elizaveta was waiting. Once she had the keys back and unloaded the groceries they were on their way back home.

"Are you doing any better now?"

"Yes," he said tiredly.

"If the store bothers you that much you don't have to go. I had no idea it would upset you like this."

He remained quiet after that, afraid of revealing how afraid he was to be outside. He already screwed up with that almost-episode, he didn't need her knowing how bad it still was! He wanted everyone to think he was getting better quickly. It'd be easier, that way when he—

The door slammed and he woke from his thoughts, seeing they were home. He got out to help carry the groceries in (not allowed to use his hurt arm), struggling to carry bags one-handed.

Once they were inside and the food was put away he excused himself to take a nap. It was weird to him to lose privacy, even just with the door open, it was difficult to adjust to. He was too tired from his trip that he quickly fell asleep, feeling emotionally numbed. Elizaveta peeked into his room a while later and watched him sleep for a bit before she left to work on chores.

The room was white-washed and blurry to his eyes. The hospital bed was familiar and the heart monitor to his left was beeping silently. The jagged lines were dull green and deteriorated as it flowed. Feliciano didn't know how he got there and he couldn't remember what happened before this, but this moment was… oddly comforting.

Ludwig stood beside him and looked angelic, framed by the lighting fixture above them. He smiled the kindest smile Feliciano had ever seen in his life. He looked truly content and Feliciano felt the same way, the emotion growing as his supposed heart rate slowed.

And he smiled, grateful for that lovely heart monitor. The lines became more and more smoothed out until finally the last beep sang and the line went flat. The world became faded and warm and lighter than air as he, too, faded away. His last thoughts were purely the memory of how beautiful that moment was and how he finally felt okay and complete. There was no doubt and no worry—just pure bliss as he died.

Feliciano was smiling into his pillow when he woke up. He blinked the sleep away and sat up slowly, registering his room in his mind. No. No, this wasn't right—this was the same as before—where was the hospital room and the monitor and the angel he knew as Ludwig?

Where was his peaceful death?

His smile fell and his heart did as well. He was still alive, and thanks to these people he would be for quite a while now. It was hard not to break down crying when he had to get up and keep breathing.

If you liked that dream so much why don't you make it real? People always say follow your dreams. Do something right for once and follow that dream.

Surely second time's the charm, isn't it? He knew what he wanted and there was no way he would let anyone get in the way this time.

Gino mewed from the floor and hopped into the bed, effectively keeping Feliciano from getting up. It looked like his scheming would have to wait another day. As for right now, he had a purring cat in his lap that was much too soft to pass up petting. At least one of them could be happy.

A/N: Now my longest story by chapter and word count! Go to hell, "We'd Be Together!"

I'm working on the next chapter and it's probably going to be pretty triggering depending on what bothers the individual reader.

"Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're here not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need