A/N: Avoid trigger warnings for slight spoilers.

TRIGGER WARNING: There is some troubling ways of thinking. I don't want anyone to read anything and be triggered into bad habits or suicide. If you want to know what happens but you're afraid the way Feli thinks could set you off, I'll write what happens in the ending A/N. I care for everyone's mental health. Reading a fic about a depressed kid with suicidal tendencies might not be the best for others like Feli, but I'm not one to judge.

There are no suicide attempts or abuse of any kind. There's minor self-harm, nothing that draws blood. Just the self-hate and horrible thoughts of depressed Feli.

Chapter 18

Bleeding Out

Feliciano was finally allowed to take the bandages off his slowly-healing arm and take baths alone once more. He still couldn't lock the door and one of his guardians would periodically knock and ask him something to be sure he was still alive and well.

It was difficult to abstain from self-injury for so long and it was making him feel worse as the urges and cravings to draw blood or any form of pain rattled his brain at every negative feeling. He was doing his best to be good for the time being, for when he gained enough trust to be left alone he would finally get to relieve some much needed stress.

Ironically, it made him feel much worse now that everyone was so worried about him. He understood they were just trying to keep him safe and help him, but how was he supposed to feel when he wasn't even allowed to lock a door or be alone for an hour? He couldn't even be near sharp things or medicine. He had to rely even more on the Edelsteins and he hated all the unwanted attention. Every time he would get bored they would pester him about his feelings as if his blank expression was some kind of omission of guilt.

But he would deal with it all for now.

It was another long day and Feliciano was sitting in the passenger seat as Roderich drove them back home from another trip to the therapist. It was boring as hell to go and talk about his feelings, and Feliciano found that he was shutting down when it came time to talk. He just couldn't find it in him to say how he was feeling at home, instead just saying he felt fine since, at the moment, he did.

Once they got home Feliciano crashed on the couch, immediately taking his daily siesta. Roderich raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, at least he's comfortable living here."

When he woke up Gino was asleep on his stomach and he was having trouble remembering his dream. He laid there, petting the cat softly, slowly regaining the dream in his mind. It was the same dream as before, though this time Lovino was there in bed with him as he slipped away.

The idea of his big brother being by his side, just like when they slept together as children, was comforting and if Feliciano had his way he wanted to die like that. He wanted to feel safe and warm and have his brother next to him and Ludwig there as well. Realistically he knew he would never get such a happy ending, for he would have to be dying of something—like cancer or some disease—and if he was dying, there was no way his loved ones would be as calm as him.

Fuckers.

Feliciano blinked away the sleep and surprise at his hostile feelings. This was weird and those damn happy pills only made him feel worse. It didn't make him want to hurt himself or die, no, but he hated the artificial happiness that sat hollow in his chest. He couldn't even be sure what was happiness or just a void where the pain couldn't reach. It was basically the same thing, right?

That was enough of that. The urge to do something, anything, was becoming a little too strong in his small frame. He jumped up, causing poor Gino to mew in confusion as he tumbled aside on the couch. Feliciano went to his room, leaving the door barely ajar as the new house rules demanded. Inside he sat on his bed with a small thump as he racked his stressed brain for something he could do.

Gino! Cats had claws, he could just make Gino scratch him! And scratches always itch so he'd have the perfect excuse to be bleeding and scratching!

…Except Gino is the calmest cat he'd ever met. It was near impossible to get the damn thing riled up unless it saw another cat (something they learned when it got outside and started harassing all the neighborhood cats).

Why was God punishing him like this? This was like his penance but he couldn't even serve it! Bad people are punished and if everyone else was too blind to do it, then he would have to do it himself. He wasn't religious at all but he believed himself to be a Catholic, though not like his grandfather.

Let it go, he warned himself. The day will come.

He didn't like those pills he was forced to take. The pain medicine was okay but depression pills? No. There was no way he was going to let his mind be warped like this because everyone else thought he needed to be changed. At a certain point something broken can't be fixed. Feliciano was jumping high above 'broken.'

It confused him that he could still have good days. These days where nothing set him off or forced him to sit on his bed and inconspicuously pinch at his stomach or pull his fingers back further than they could naturally bend. There were days where he woke up to texts from his brother or Ludwig, then receive happy calls, or be given new toys to play with Gino. There were moments everything felt okay again, where he would see Elizaveta and want to call her mom.

In these rare days he felt like he really was loved and wanted. He felt that if he died, people would be upset like he was with his parents.

Then it would hit him… Lovino hated their parents. Everyone acted so shocked to hear about them and what they did. Why would they act any different to Feliciano? They surely had to hate him, they might cry at first until they realize what a blessing it was for him to finally die.

Even if he was wrong, it doesn't matter. Feliciano had a terrible life and it was time he did something for himself. He shouldn't be forced to live because these people are selfish and need a charity case. It wasn't fair. You don't make a dog take medicine and suffer in life just because you don't have it in you to euthanize it.

He's doing what's humane. He's helping. He's removing himself from everyone's minds and erasing the worry he created. The world is overpopulated, he's a burden financially and emotionally to the Edelsteins, Lovino needs to forget the past and lose what's tying him down to it…

And through all these excuses and reasons, Feliciano felt something foreign stabbing through him. The peacefulness from the last time he confirmed his suicide was gone. He knew what would happen this time if he was caught: another hospital stay and lost trust. But that wasn't much. He's done that all before. If he failed, he'll try again. He'll learn how to deceive everyone into letting him be alone just long enough…

That night Elizaveta brought home dinner for the small family. Feliciano sat at their dining table, readying himself for the act he had to erect. Time to act like before! Time to pretend I'm having a good day!

"Feli, dear," his pseudo-mother called. "How are you doing today?"

"Better," he sheepishly replied, knowing better than to be too enthusiastic. "Ludwig texted me and asked me to see another movie. It was really fun last time."

Elizaveta's eyes lightened up. "That's wonderful! What movie?"

He hadn't planned this far ahead. He ate the food on his fork to stall and mumbled, "He didn't say."

They went on with their dinner and Feliciano congratulated himself on the confident looks he caught on his caretakers' faces. They fell for it! They don't even know how miserable he is!

The small victory was followed by a fall in his heightened mood. It didn't matter to him much, he knew he would finally be finishing what he started. He wasn't going to let himself wake up in a hospital room this time.

He excused himself and went to take a shower, the door still unlocked. He wasn't about to give anyone any new reasons to distrust him. He did, however, use scalding water for as long as he could manage. Any pain was welcome at this point. He deserved it.

The following week was spent in bed, the young teen unable to find any reason to leave. He naturally wanted to be in bed and sleep or just lay there all the time, but before he had his brother or caretakers or Ludwig around which made him be more active. He needed to look good, like he wasn't that bad (though the suicide attempt was a dead giveaway). Now Elizaveta was knitting in the living room and Roderich was cleaning the dishes, neither paying much attention to the lazy boy behind the cracked door.

The bad feelings twisted around in his guts, reminding him of this unending pain his brain wrought upon him. It was all in his head, to be technical. A chemical imbalance or the realization he was nothing and worth the same. It was the same feeling he got when his father began smashing bottles or his mother knocked on his door. It always led to being hit or slapped or yelled at. Reminding he was a bad child, ungrateful, a disgrace.

Maybe I am a disgrace, he would say to himself. I am ungrateful. They saved my life and I still want to die? I should just make things easier on them. A funeral would cost less than housing and feeding me.

It was clear as it could be, like the ash bellowing smoke from one of his brother's cigarettes. It hurt, it hurt so much, but he knew what needed to be done. It had to be done. There was no other way.

They were asleep, he knew that for sure; Feliciano had tip-toed out of his bed and saw his caregivers asleep and motionless in their bed. Their door was open for easier access to Feliciano if he needed them—or, God forbid, they needed to get to him.

It was too risky to go in and search for hidden medicine or keys to the locked drawers. He would have to make do and find another means of dying. He considered drowning but ruled it out, knowing how horrifying it would be and how difficult to pull off. He'd need to resist the urge to breathe and pull himself out of the water. Suicide was hard enough to accomplish; he knew he wanted to die but he couldn't help the fear pricking at him.

He couldn't hang himself either. He wasn't allowed belts anymore since Roderich confiscated them, sickened from the doctors telling him his foster child used one in his attempt. Then shoelaces would be too thin, besides that he would need quite a few to make it work.

So he lightly padded across the floor to the front door, hands shaking as he worked hard to not make the metal locks scream out as he escaped. In a minute he was out the door and closing it gently.

The air was cool and the sky was clear, the stars like candles in the sky. Feliciano watched them for a moment before the anxiety of running away and being caught hit him. Barefoot he went forward, taking faster and faster steps away from the house that tried so hard to save him.

But I'm not worth saving.

Feliciano went on into the night, ready to seek out some way to die peacefully, his body not to be found until the next day. It would be easier this way. It would be so dreamy, to go out like the sun. He liked the idea of passing away in nature, though the reality was cruel; he would have to find somewhere that had the capabilities of taking his life within the night, before anyone could find him and stop him.

He walked a few miles before he felt he was far enough from the Edelstein house to safely do it. The night felt colder since he was still in just his pajama pants and a T-shirt that exposed his arms. He didn't care at this point, it wasn't like anyone would see his scars. He couldn't bring himself to care.

Throwing himself in front of a car would be selfish. Feliciano could vividly remember Alfred coming into class in a huff because he saw on the news that some homeless guy killed himself via train and how traumatized the waiting passengers were. It was a selfish act to die so violently in public. He had to do it easy, simple, and isolated.

He grew desperate when he realized he had little to no options. Fuck it, he thought. He would do this one service to the world, even if it scares a few people. He would die, damn it! This is everything he and everyone else needs!

There was a bridge near a park he used to go to with Lovino when they were kids and needed to get out of their house. He could go there and try to jump from it, hopefully it was high enough to cause damage (and not brain damage, but fatal damage).

The house!

There had to be something at the house, like a gun he didn't know about or maybe a secret drug problem he blocked out of his memory? That house was a deathtrap unlike the baby-proofed Edelstein house.

With a bitter smile he took off in the direction of his old home, breaking into a sprint to reach his fate just a few minutes sooner. That house started his problems and now would finally fix them.

A/N: For anyone who skipped the story because of the trigger warning: Feli continues to be depressed and attempts self-harm in minor ways like hot water in the shower. He plans to kill himself still and leaves the house while Elizaveta and Roderich sleep to find somewhere to end it. He decides on travelling to his old house to find something.

Anyway. Yeah, he's still messed-up. Depressed people can't go from suicidal to okay in an instant. I really wanted to write a fic that didn't give into suddenly being better for any reason, romance or not. I wanted to show how it takes a while to get back to normal.

And realistically he wouldn't swear like I've made him, but he's desperate and feeling edgy. The point of this chapter was to show how desperate he's becoming. He's lost between trying and giving up.

"Bleeding Out" by Imagine Dragons

When the sky turns gray

And everything is screaming

I will reach inside

Just to find my heart is beating