Jax opened his eyes and looked around, orienting himself to the surroundings. He was at Kit's. He reached on to the bedside table and picked up his ringing prepay cell that had woken him up. When he turned over, he saw that Kit was awake. She looked deep in thought. When she noticed him looking at her, she half-smiled and got up, disappearing into the ensuite bathroom. He heard the shower turn on.
"Yeah?" Jax said into the phone. The clock on the bedside table read 12:33 pm.
"Just thought you'd like to know that Opie's awake," came his mother's voice down the line. "I thought you were coming by the hospital. He's asking for you."
"Yeah, I'm on my way," he told her, yawning.
"Have you heard from Kit?"
"I'm with her now. She'll probably come by too. Do me a favor and don't give her a hard time when you see her, ma," he said.
Gemma scoffed. "What makes you think I'll give her a hard time? I'll see you soon, baby."
Jax closed the phone and sat up. He didn't mean to sleep this long although he did feel a lot better. He called Tig to check in on where they were with the shooters but they didn't have any leads yet. Clay was meeting with his Russian contact in an hour. Finally, he checked in with Tara to make sure everything was okay with Abel. He was certain that she would have called had something gone wrong but it put his mind at ease to know everyone he loved was okay.
He looked over at the bathroom door. He considered going to join Kit in the shower but then thought against it. After a night like yesterday, she needed some space.
A few minutes later, Kit emerged from the bathroom in a towel. "Morning," she muttered, going to her closet without looking at him. She started getting dressed, pulling things on in a somewhat rushed manner.
"Sleep okay?" he asked, tentative. He couldn't gauge her mood.
"Fine."
"Kit, just stop for a second. Are you okay? Are we okay?"
She looked over at him, reluctantly. She wasn't sure she wanted to deal with the events of last night just yet. It was just so much. It had effectively changed everything, including the way she felt about him. She was still trying to work through it in her head but she knew that in relationships, you had to talk.
"I don't know anymore, Jax." She bit her bottom lip. "I'm scared."
He stood and took a step toward her but stopped when she took an involuntary step back, away from him. "Of me?"
"No…I don't know. This is so frustrating. I just don't know how the hell I found myself in a situation like last night. I know I was okay and Rachel was too but it was terrifying. And the worst part is that you weren't there. You left me alone without looking back."
"You know who I am, Kit. I had to go," he said, getting upset.
"I know and I get it. I really do. It's not…that's not what I mean. I'm not mad that you left. I just don't know if I can deal with that being the way it is. It's like I took the risk of you being a Son and an outlaw for granted and last night everything got very real."
Jax didn't want this to happen. She was pushing him away. "I know it was hard to deal with, that it was bad. But it was just one incident. The clubhouse has never been attacked like that before. I would never let anything bad happen to you, Kit."
"What if we had gone out to the front instead of the roof? What happened to Opie could have been you or me," Kit said, her voice becoming unsteady.
"But it didn't. Don't let one bad thing ruin all the good things we have." Jax wanted to hold her but was she almost backing herself into a corner, literally. "If you need time to think about things, I can go."
Kit nodded, looking at her hands. "Yeah, I think you should."
"It's not always going to be like this. SAMCRO is a family and as long as you're with me, you won't ever really be alone, darlin'."
"Family? How fast are we moving that we're already at family?" she asked, incredulously. It was like something had snapped inside her. Every fear and insecurity she had about Jax in this moment had manifested into this sudden reaction.
"Kit, I-
"Do you know where you should start? You could start with telling me what the fuck you think we are, Jax. As far as I can tell, all we do is fuck and talk on the odd occasion. I never said I wanted to be a part of all this. I never said I wanted any of it." Even though Kit knew it wasn't true, it was like she was possessed and she couldn't stop. "Where exactly do you think we're going?"
Jax glared at her, speechless. He didn't think she'd go this far or that any part of her felt that way about him. He thought they were moving toward a real relationship. He really cared about her and he was under the impression she felt at least somewhat the same way. Maybe this was the reason she got distant and detached sometimes. Either way, he had too much going on in his life right now to deal with this on top of everything else.
"Not the same place as you, obviously," Jax told her, hurt lingering in his voice. "I don't need this today, not from you."
He put on his shoes, grabbed his cut and walked out. As he got on his bike, everything his mom had ever said about Kit flooded his brain. Gemma was right about it all; Kit wasn't right for him. She couldn't handle this life and was just some chick who didn't know the first thing about what she wanted. She really was just some croweater that got in his head, someone he could and would forget.
Gemma watched Kit cross the TM lot from the garage office. She saw the silver car pull in five minutes earlier. She imagined the woman was working up some nerve. When Jax arrived at the hospital in a bad mood without Kit in tow, it was clear they had a fight. It must have been bad because when Gemma mentioned her name, his anger flared and he dismissed her as a fling, someone that was no longer important.
When Kit finally made it over, she walked through the open door of the office and closed it behind her. She reached into her bag and pulled out a brown accordion folder, handing it to Gemma.
"Here they are," she simply said.
Gemma eyed her. Kit didn't look her best, far from it. Her hair was pulled back and she wasn't wearing any makeup. She didn't look sad, just empty almost. It was like she was a shell, just going through the motions. "I thought you wanted to give them to Clay."
"I trust you'll show him. Something tells me that you don't want the mother of your grandson hurt. If you did, you wouldn't have come to see me."
"Where'd you find them?"
Kit shifted her weight, looking annoyed. "The storage locker. I have to go. Good-bye Gemma."
"Bye." Despite everything, Gemma saw something in Kit that reminded her of herself once. She was a girl in over her head. Gemma could remember a time when she barely knew what she was doing with JT. She was in love with him but it came with a lot. It wasn't always easy. She had a baby keeping them together. It was obvious Kit really cared about her son. But evidently, it wasn't enough.
With one last look at the SAMCRO matriarch, Kit walked out of the office. She took a deep breath and exhaled as she headed over to her car. This was the last thing she had to do. She could keep it together long enough to make it to her car and then she could forget this whole thing with Jax Teller. An affair gone on long enough. It had just gotten out of her control. He had grown out of the little box in her brain she had kept him stored away. Once she drove out of here, she could shove him back in there because she wouldn't be seeing him anymore. Even though she never meant to say the things she did, maybe it was for the best. He wasn't the man for her. She couldn't handle his lifestyle and it was better things ended now before they got more serious. Perhaps Tara had been smart to get out while she could.
The familiar roar of a motorcycle broke her out of her thoughts. She looked up just as a few of the Sons pulled in, among them Jax. He zipped by without stopping or a second glance. She knew that it was her fault he was ignoring her and she accepted it. This was the way things had to be now. She hurried the last few steps to her car, got in and drove off without looking back.
Kit felt amazing. She completely understood why people drank alcohol. It just erased things, like memories and feelings. She could muse that everything would be alright and genuinely feel that it was true. She knew it was temporary but she was actually happy in this moment. She had finally taken Rachel up on her offer of having a girl's night out. She needed it after the beyond shitty day she had.
She broke up with Jax. Drink.
She not only broke up with him but made him feel like she didn't give a shit about him. Drink.
She couldn't find the words or the nerve to go back and talk to him. Drink.
She had to see and deal with Gemma. Drink.
William wanted to see her. Drink.
And then dance like nothing fazed you. Then drink some more.
After spending most of the night on the dance floor with some of her and Rachel's friends, Kit went back to the bar to see her cousin. Unfortunately, Rachel had to work but was able to get her free drinks. On a normal day it would be considered a perk but tonight it was just allowing Kit to drink more than anyone should.
"How are you doing, Kitten?" Rachel asked across the bar. There was a lull in people so she actually had a chance to talk to her. She could sense something was up but didn't push Kit when she wanted to go out tonight.
"Fabulous, baby," she replied, grinning.
Rachel smiled. Her cousin was so drunk. "What do you want?"
"Surprise me." Kit watched as Rachel began pouring different liquids into a cocktail glass. "I ended things with Jax," she blurted out. It was like she couldn't hold it in anymore. She wasn't a big talker but she needed to talk to someone about this.
"When?" Rachel asked, finally understanding Kit's sudden need for a night out. She placed the drink on the bar.
"This morning. It's something I should have done a long time ago. He was just...this guy. I have William. I shouldn't be running around behind his back. You made that clear," she said. She picked up the cocktail and drained it in a few gulps.
"That was your last one. I'm cutting you off," Rach said, taking the glass off the bar. "You shouldn't be with two guys but I thought you'd break up with Will, not Jax."
"I've been with Will for over a year. Jax should have stayed a one-time thing. And you can't cut me off."
Rachel took Kit's hand to hold her attention. "You don't know how you are with Jax compared to Will."
"What are you talking about?"
"You actually love him, for one."
Kit laughed. "Love? God, I was only seeing him for a couple of weeks. It wasn't love. I'm not in love with him."
Rachel served two girls who came up to the bar and reminded them that last call was in a few minutes. Then she turned back to Kit. "Maybe not yet but you were falling for him. I could see it. With Will, a spark like that has never been there. You should talk to Jax."
Kit shook her head. "I can't. I said things. And I don't even know if I want to get back in it. Do I need to remind you what happened last night?"
She shrugged. "I'm over it. We're fine. Break up with Will and make things right with Jax. It's that simple."
A part of Kit knew that Rachel was right. But it wasn't that simple. She was just as confused now as she was this morning. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. She could see the two paths in front of her. Through the one on her left was William. It was a normal life that had its ups and downs. It was going out on dates and to the movies and moving in together. It was steady and reliable. The path on her right was another story. It was Jax and the great unknown. Nothing about him was predictable, which was exciting and scary all at the same time. Kit wasn't sure what to do. A sane person would choose left but she desperately wanted to go right. Common sense had an iron grip on her, holding her back. Behind all her feelings for Jax she knew that he came with danger, risk, and high emotion. She couldn't feel completely safe with a gunrunner and criminal, a killer. Could she? How could she deal with all that?
Kit looked over at Rachel who was talking with one of the other bartenders. It amazed her that her little cousin who could barely handle the stress of calling in sick to get off work was just shrugging off a drive-by shooting. Rachel must really love Juice. Or maybe Kit was just too weak to stay by Jax's side. She could picture his face when he left the house this morning, the hurt of her words painted all over it. She could even remember the moment it hardened, the same moment that she wanted to take everything back.
She pulled her phone out of her purse and saw that she had a text from William, telling her to come over. The alcohol that had a hold of the better half of her brain saw this as a golden opportunity. She could stop thinking about everything, stop being confused and just throw herself back into the relationship she was actually in. A perfect cure for a perfectly shitty day.
A.N: Thanks for all the reviews/follows/faves. Penny for your thoughts, my dear readers?