Kit woke up with a splitting headache. It hurt to think. She didn't even want to try moving. If she didn't have to leave this bed, it would be too soon. She was hot, the sun warming her body. She rolled over to move away from its rays and hit another body. She slowly opened her eyes to see who was blocking her from comfort. She suspected Rachel and was a little surprised to see William beside her. He was awake, reading the paper.
"Good morning sleeping beauty," he said.
Kit felt like she was in a bad dream. "Morning," she mumbled then covered her head with the pillow. She could feel the clinging material of her dress from last night. It had ridden up to her waist but it was still on and although her head was pounding, she couldn't recall having sex with Will. Much of last night was a blur and she didn't have a problem keeping it that way for now.
"There's Aspirin and water on the nightstand, baby," he said, rubbing her back gently. "And when you're ready, we can talk about last night."
She peeked out from the pillow. "What's there to talk about?"
"You came in drunk and you passed out after about five minutes. I had to carry you in here. Do you remember anything?" he asked, annoyance seeping into his words.
"I drank too much when I was out with the girls. There, we talked about it." She closed her eyes and resumed her position under the pillow.
"Kit, this isn't like you. Lately, it's like I don't even know you. I invited you over because I wanted to see you. We haven't spent any real time together. Who knows how long it's been since we've had sex. What's going on?" he almost yelled. All his frustrations were finally pouring out. He wanted to shake her.
She couldn't do another morning of fighting or confrontation and it wasn't just the hangover. "Nothing is going on and you're right, I'm not ready to talk about this. Maybe in a couple hours, but not now. I can't think..."
"Can't think of what? More excuses and lies? Tell me what's going on? I want to help you," he said, a note of pleading in his voice.
Kit had half a mind to just fuck off and leave but her whole body protested. She wouldn't be the one leaving this room in a pissed off mood. "Why do you want to help me? Just let me be. This is who I am. Maybe you just never noticed."
"That what, you're a bitch? Because I've definitely noticed that."
"Then why are you still with me?"
"I love you, Kit, and no one's perfect." He pulled the pillow off her head. "Tell me what the hell is going on with you. You just don't seem to care anymore. It's like you're not here. What changed? Just talk to me," he said. "Can't you even look at me?"
She turned over and opened her eyes. It was like she was seeing him for the first time. She could see all the hurt and frustration in his eyes and had to live with the fact that she put it all there. He deserved so much more. It spoke volumes about her that she barely took into consideration his feelings in all this. Every time she saw Jax, her guilt about cheating lessened and she'd seen him a lot.
"I just…can't do this anymore."
"You're breaking up with me?" he asked, only half-surprised. A part of him saw this coming, saw it coming weeks ago, but he chose to go on living in ignorance, not wanting to believe it.
"I don't know. I think so. I love you but this is just becoming harder than it should be," she said, biting her bottom lip. "I'm sorry."
He exhaled heavily, looking reflective. "Can you just tell me what changed? What did I do to make you want out?"
"It wasn't you. You are a great boyfriend." And I was the worst kind of girlfriend, she added mentally. "It's just me. I feel like I've changed, what I want, what I need. I need a fresh start. I'm tired of fighting and forcing this to work when it doesn't fit."
William lied back down and stared up at the ceiling. "Sometimes I feel like I barely know you, Kit."
You don't, she wanted to tell him, not really. She always thought keeping him in the dark about her real feelings and real past was the best thing for them. But it was just an experiment. She had decided not to trust him right out the gate and they could never succeed on a foundation of lies. Maybe she had always known that and why it was so easy for her to drift into another relationship.
"Why don't we just take a break? Take some time and clear your head. I don't want to end things, not yet. I don't think it would be fair not to give this a second chance," he said, looking at her with his familiar brown eyes, hope saturating them.
Kit leant over and kissed him lightly on the lips, not having the heart to take the opportunity to bow out. She wasn't sure what it was that made her do it. She'd been waiting for an out for ages and now that it was finally here, she couldn't take the plunge. Maybe it was the sudden void of Jax or just the selfish need to feel wanted. Either way, she decided to go along with this new path that had emerged.
"Okay, we'll take a break."
Jax knocked on the door of Opie's hospital room before walking in. His best friend was out of the hospital gown and into his normal clothes, beanie and all. It was good to see him looking normal and almost whole. It had been a tough recovery but the doctors had finally cleared him to go home.
"Hey brother, ready to get out of here?" he asked Opie.
Opie nodded, slipping on his cut. "If I never have to see another doctor, it'll be too soon." His nurse came in. She was young and pretty. "A nurse however…"
Jax grinned as the nurse shot Opie a small smile. She gave him his discharge papers and a prescription for some pain meds. He was to come back in a week for a check-up. He winked at her and she left the room blushing.
"How's Abel?" Opie asked.
"He's good. He makes me miss the good ol' days when all I needed was a few cookies to make me really happy."
Opie smiled. "I don't know about you but a soft chocolate chip can always make my day." He picked up his pack and threw it over his shoulder. There was still a throbbing pain in his shoulder but it felt good to be getting back into the swing of things. "How'd Clay's latest meeting with the Russians go?"
Jax shrugged. "Things are going smoothly so far. I don't trust our contact though. Something just doesn't feel right about this."
"They've been holding up their end of our deal. We don't have to like our business partners as long as they're making us money," Opie reminded him.
Jax decided to drop it. The frustrating thing about being in a club is that you could really only discuss business with people in it. He didn't want to keep pressing that this whole Russian deal was going to blow up soon. He just knew in his gut that something was wrong here but he couldn't keep telling his brothers that behind Clay's back. Without any proof other than a feeling, it was just making it look like he was simply at odds with his stepfather. Eventually it would create a riff in the club. Having a president and vice-president at odds with each other was never good for anyone and certainly not good for business.
It was times like this he missed having someone he could trust, like Tara, or more recently, Kit. Tara was great but she didn't want anything to do with the club and Kit didn't want anything to do with him. He'd been thinking about her more than he should lately. Kit was just a fling but it was like she had gotten into his head and he couldn't shake her from his mind. He missed the way he could talk to her about anything and she didn't flinch or judge. But it had been a couple weeks and he hadn't seen or heard from her and frankly, he wasn't holding his breath.
"What's on your mind, brother?" Opie asked.
"Nothing important," Jax answered, a wistful look on his face. He quickly replaced it with a smile. "You hungry?"
"Have you seen what they pass off as food in this place? I'm starving."
Kit was a great cousin and she loved Rachel. She kept telling herself this. It was the only reason that she could stay sitting in her car in the TM lot. This was so uncomfortable and she was on edge, hoping she wouldn't see Jax. Every time she heard a noise, she jumped a bit. A cigarette was dangling from her fingers outside the open window. She was stress smoking and she hated it.
A few hours ago, Rachel had called her realizing that they'd taken each other's phones. It would normally be okay but she was taking a trip down to LA with Juice to visit her brother. She needed her own phone and frankly, Kit wasn't willing to let anyone have that much access to her cell. It was just too personal. When she pulled into the TM lot, she expected Rachel to be waiting so she could just drive in and out but she was running errands. She promised she'd be back momentarily but each second seemed to take an eternity. Kit thought about driving around for a while to kill time but concluded that would be immature. What was a couple of minutes? If she saw Jax, she was a big girl and could handle it.
It was bizarre being here after so long. The weirdest thing was that the longer she sat, the more a tiny part of her wanted to glimpse Jax. Her pride had gotten the better of her and she never called him to apologize and mend things. Confrontation wasn't her thing but lately she was regretting not talking to him. It felt too late now even though she ached for him. Being on her own and single (sort of) was good for her. She could think and figure things out like what she wanted for herself. Being independent was what she needed right now.
After ten minutes of waiting, Juice pulled in on his bike, Rachel holding onto him. Kit felt really exposed and vulnerable once she got out of the shell that was her car. Rach waved but was taking her sweet time talking to her boyfriend. That was when it happened. The pickup truck pulled in and Kit turned around just in time to see that it was Jax and Opie inside. She froze as butterflies exploded in her stomach. Rachel waved at them before coming over.
"Okay, babe?" she asked, hugging Kit.
"Yeah…got my phone? Here's yours." Kit pressed the device into Rachel's hand, urgency in her voice. Whatever desire she had to see Jax had vanished. She didn't know if she could handle seeing him being mad at her, or worse, indifferent. In her head they were perfect until that disastrous morning and maybe she preferred to keep it that way.
"I left it inside. I'll go grab it," Rachel told her. She smiled sympathetically. "I'll be two seconds. Don't worry."
Kit watched her go, not wanting to look over at where Jax parked. Eventually, her curiosity got the better of her and she glanced up. He was crossing the lot and walking toward her. He had his sunglasses on so she couldn't read his expression. She was glad she was still holding a cigarette so she had something to do with her hands. She made herself breathe and calm down so she hopefully wouldn't be a blithering idiot when Jax was finally in front of her.
"Hey," he said, casually. He took off the sunglasses revealing his blue eyes. They weren't hardened like the last time she looked into them.
"Hey Jax. How's it going?" she asked, surprised at how normal she sounded.
He shrugged. "Same old. What are you doing here, Kit?" He was asking more out of curiosity than hostility.
She laughed nervously. "Rachel and I swapped phones by accident this morning. She just went to get mine and I'll be out of here."
"It's okay that you're here," he said half-smiling. He could tell how nervous she was and even though she ended things horribly, a part of him would always care about her. It was actually a little endearing.
She nodded and bit her bottom lip. "How's Abel?"
Jax grinned. "He's really good, talking a lot and running around. I can't believe how fast he's growing up. He'll be starting school in no time."
Kit smiled with him, unsure how to respond. In the seconds of lull in the conversation, she knew what she had to do. It was like a jolt had shot through her. "I'm sorry, Jax. I'm sorry about everything that happened between us, the things I said. I didn't mean them."
He was looking at her intently, his expression unreadable.
The words just started to pour out of her. "I was just scared and confused. I don't know what came over me. It wasn't me. That's not how I really feel. That could never be how I felt about you. I just… I felt like I couldn't call you, like I had ruined everything and I know I have. I know it's too late and I don't expect you to take me back or want to see me ever again but I just want you to know that I'm sorry about everything. If you know anything, know that."
Jax exhaled. "Yeah, thanks for that. I'll see you around, Kit," he told her. He looked at her one last time. She was stunning with the setting sun hitting her the way it was. He turned to leave, unsure if he should say something more.
When the moment passed and he was walking into the clubhouse alone, he felt conflicted. Jax wanted to make things right with Kit but he couldn't forget the fact that she couldn't handle his lifestyle that he wasn't willing to change. He didn't know how badly he wanted her back until she was in front of him. He missed her rare shows of vulnerability and the way she bit her bottom lip when she was nervous. But he had to forget her because there was no point in wasting time with her if it wouldn't work out in the end.
A/N: Kind of filler-y. Necessary steps toward the next bit. Thanks for all the reviews/follows/faves. Passed 100 follows - milestone. You guys are amazing. Let me know what you think of this svp. - A