Long time no see! I would usually apologize for making you wait this long but I won't this time. Life has been kind of rough for me the last couple of weeks and I really needed to take care of a few things before I felt like writing again.
This being said, this chapter was quite hard to come up with. Part of the difficulty was that it is slightly darker than what I did before and I wanted it to come out right. I changed the rating to M as you can see. The main reason is that there is mention of animal abuse in this chapter. Nothing too graphic but I understand that certain people feel uncomfortable with that so: for those that may concern, skip the part above the demarcation line.
Again thank you for the reviews, they are greatly appreciated and taken in consideration.
PS: I found myself two betas! Thank you to furaiz and lilting glamour for helping me improving this story considerably!
On with the story!
-7-
Blood Ties
It was one of those summer nights when no breath of wind came to bring relief to the inhabitants of central London. The thunderstorm that was due earlier in the day was still brewing and the heavens had yet to open up, making the atmosphere stuffy with humidity and the sheets, in between which the citizens tossed and turned restlessly, damp with sweat.
Ribbons of moonlight poured through the opened window of the bedroom, painting every surface it touched with its bluish tint. At this godforsaken hour, everything stood still, from the boy, buried in its fortress of duvets and blankets, to the figures on the posters that had been plastered on the walls. How the boy had manage to drift off to sleep in this nearly unbearable heat was a mystery, but his slow and peaceful breathing was proof enough that he had somehow found his way into Morpheus' arms.
From the other side of the room, the door that led to the hallway opened with a creak before a boy cautiously slipped his head inside. The child, five years old at most, was obviously upset, but he remained unmoving for a few seconds before he gathered enough courage to bolt through the bedroom, the sound of little feet padding across the wooden floor barely noticeable. The kid halted inches from the boy's bed and proceeded to stare at him, as if hoping the intensity of his gaze would be sufficient to wake him.
When nothing of the sort happened, the boy seemed to hesitate, his lips began to tremble and a single tear glistered on his round cheek. He raised a finger and poked the sleeper in the face in a pathetic attempt at tearing him away from his dreams. When that did not work, desperation began to show in the kid's eyes and a cry escaped his rosy lips. Getting bolder, the child started shaking the other boy's shoulder.
"Siri! Siri, you have to wake up!" The boy's voice had become high-pitched with panic.
A grumble was heard from the mass of pillows. The child, clearly not satisfied by the incoherent answer, probed the older boy once more and grimaced, brows and nose scrunching up in misery. "She's doing it again…" whispered the kid, fear apparent.
"Whazzit Reg?" came the muffled mumble.
The boy was full on bawling by now, struggling to breathe in between the sobs that racked his little body. "She's doing it again Siri. She's going to kill it."
At these words, Sirius sat straight up out of bed and jumped to his feet in no time. Stumbling slightly, he made his way to the door with Reg trailing after him. On the landing, he almost crashed into a small figure that barely reached his waist and that had obviously been waiting for him. The tiny girl had long blond hair that shone silver in the moonlight. Like Reg, she had been weeping and her little face was wet with tears. Trembling like a leaf, she looked up at the older boy.
"Siri you have to stop her please!" pleaded the girl. Sniffing, she added in defeat "She just received it this morning. Father said it was a gift for her ninth birthday. She swore to me she would not hurt it. She promised!"
Bending down, Sirius opened his arms, hugging the child before he clumsily hoisted her up and settled her against his hip. The girl automatically buried her head in the hollow of his neck and the boy felt her tears on his skin.
"It's all going to be alright Cissy." he told her, trying to be soothing. Turning to face Reg, he motioned the boy to follow him down the stairs. "Reg, I will take you two back to your room. I want you to stay there and watch over Narcissa, ok? I'll come and see you when it's over."
They ran down the stairs as fast as Reg was able to jump from one step to another, which was a long process as the steps were pretty far in between for a child his age. Suddenly, a thought seemed to cross Sirius' mind and he froze midstep. "Regulus, how did you find out what was going on?" Concern appeared on his face. "I mean, did you see what she was doing or something?"
"No. I was on my way up from the kitchen and I saw her drag it by his leash to Father's study. She did not look in her right state." The boy turned a worried face towards him. "I did what I was supposed to do, right? You told me to come right to you if it happened again. I was only gone to get myself a glass of water, I swear!"
Relief washed over the taller kid and his shoulders sagged as panic left him. "No, you did great Reg. You were perfect."
Regulus smiled at the praise for a second before the seriousness of the situation came back to him with force. They arrived in front of his bedroom and Sirius put Narcissa back on the ground. Opening the door, he gestured to his cousin and his brother to go inside, encouraging them with a shaky smile.
He was about to turn around when a little hand grabbed the back of his pyjamas. Looking into the frightened face of Regulus, he kneeled in front of him and ruffled his dark hair. "Don't worry. It'll be fine. I have done this before, yeah?" Noticing how his words did not seem to comfort Regulus, he let out a sigh. "Hey, this is Bellatrix we are talking about, Reggie. She may act a bit weird now but at the end of the day, she is still the same old Bella. She'll listen to me, she always does."
He stood up and pushed Regulus towards the threshold of his bedroom. Once the door had closed on his brother, his smile slipped away and he stared grimly into the shadows bathing the staircase leading to the lower floors. Shaking his head a little, he headed down with heavy feet.
Soon the boy found himself standing in front of a dark door. He was about to enter, but he hesitated, his hand hovering over the snake-like handle before he dropped it to his side. Breathing deeply, Sirius pressed his forehead against the wood and screwed his eyes shut. Then, without waiting any longer, he flung the door open.
Immediately, sounds that had been muffled by the charms set over the study assaulted him and it was all he could do not to turn back. Having been fearfully staring at the floor as he passed the entrance, Sirius forced himself to raise his head. What met his sight made his blood run cold.
A young girl stood in the center of the room. Her nightgown was so white that it shone in the darkness, making the boy's eyes hurt with its brightness. The child had a wand in her hand and she was pointing it at a shivering form lying at her feet. The puppy, because that is what it was, was in evident pain, hollering and whining pitifully as it thrashed on the floor, foam coming out of its mouth.
Sirius did not know what was worse, the convulsing dog, its paws tearing through the air and its eyes rolled into the back of its skull, or the insane ecstasy that contorted his cousin's beautiful face. The girl was breathing fast and was oblivious to the world. She did not move when Sirius burst into the room and her eyes never left the tortured animal nor did they lose the weird glint that seemed to animate them.
It took some time for Sirius to get over the initial shock, but once he managed to shake off the overwhelming horror, adrenaline urged him into action. Throwing himself in Bellatrix' direction, he tried to snatch the wand away from her. Immediately, she put up a fight, kicking, screaming and pulling at his hair.
"Bella, stop! Bella, listen to me. Stop!" he cried as she scratched his face. She was so far gone that she did not seem to recognize him. In desperation, Sirius grabbed her by the shoulders and shoved her as hard as he could. The girl staggered backwards and fell on her behind. The wand escaped her grip and landed a few feet from her, rolling out of her reach.
Her head snapped towards him, eyes finding his. She glared. "Why?! Why should I stop?" she snarled, hate dripping from her tone. Her hair stood in all directions in a crazed disarray.
The boy recoiled and remained silent for a moment, apparently at lost for words. Looking as if he was going to be sick, he stared at the sneer that disfigured her usually full lips. "Why? Because it's wrong, Bella." said Sirius feebly.
"Father does not seem to think so. He bought it for me! He told me to do whatever I pleased with it. Anything, you hear me?!" The girl screeched the last part, eyes bulging out of their sockets. "This is the third one he has given me. Why would he do so if he did not approve of the way I dispose of his gifts?"
Even in the poor lighting, one could see color draining from Sirius' face as he shook his head in denial. "This is a living being, Bella. Certainly it makes a difference." whispered the boy weakly after swallowing nervously. "It is not some new toy you can afford to break."
"A gift is a gift." stated Bellatrix blankly.
The dark-haired boy looked away from her as if he could not bear to lay his eyes on her no more. His jaw clenched and, when he turned his gaze towards her once again, his face had hardened, all trace of sorrow gone and replaced by disdain.
"You really don't get it, you idiot. He wants you to control these urges. You are letting your magic take over. Good witches master their power, they don't let it rule over them." spat Sirius, towering over her still sprawled form.
"Stop pretending you are doing this," Sirius paused and gestured to the dog, "because of some whim. You do it because you can't refrain yourself from doing it. You don't want this, Bella! You simply can't help yourself. It's pathetic."
The girl looked like she had been slapped across the face. She frowned and directed her attention to her bare feet, biting down on her lip to keep from pouting.
"Look at it, Bella. Look at what you have done." The girl shook her head stubbornly, but Sirius was having none of it. In one swift movement, he had her back on her feet and was practically dragging her to where the animal lay. She casted a quick glance to the puppy and, seeing it unmoving, still in death, she covered her face with both her hands as if suddenly understanding the scope of her actions. Soon, big, fat tears were rolling down her cheeks.
"I am sorry. Merlin, Sirius, I am sorry. You have to believe me. I did not mean to. I was so angry and my head hurt so so much and… I'm sorry! I was not thinking straight. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." hiccupped the girl punctuating each sob with a plea for forgiveness. Her knees gave out under her and she collapsed on the ground.
Sirius' tough act crumbled and he slowly sat beside the devastated girl, accepting her hug as she crawled into his arms, crying and apologizing over and over again. He rubbed his eyes with his fist roughly and sniffed. As minutes passed, Bellatrix calmed down and, eventually, her breathing became slightly less erratic.
"It's alright, Bells. Come on." murmured Sirius, awkwardly helping the young witch to her feet. "Go and get cleaned up. I will take care of this."
"What are you going to do with it?" asked Bellatrix, avoiding looking directly at the corpse.
"I'll bury it in the backyard." replied the boy thickly.
The girl made a noncommittal sound and took a few tentative steps towards the door before turning around. "I will do better next time, Siri." said Bellatrix, eyes pleading with him to believe her words.
Unable to meet her gaze, the boy nodded. "I know you will, Bells."
He kneeled near the dog and turn his back on her in a mean to put an end to the conversation. Fixing a point ahead of him, he listened to her receding footsteps and the creaking of the floor under her weight. When the sound of the wood moaning ceased, he finally allowed his shoulders to relax.
However, he had not been as alone as he first thought he was because her voice reached his ears one last time. "It's too bad. I really liked that one. It was a nice dog." sighed Bellatrix softly.
Sirius could not repress the shiver that ran down his back. He waited for a long time after this and, once he was sure she had left, he stood up and forced himself to set his eyes on the dead puppy.
In the bluish light of the moon, the boy had never seemed as small. Head down and shoulders hunched, Sirius crossed his arms above his chest as if he was trying to protect himself from heartbreak. It was a futile effort however and one could almost hear when the tiny crack made its way through Sirius' already fragile heart, fracturing even more so. The boy did not cry. His entire frame shook and he pulled at his hair in frustration.
Then, from the other side of the house, a cry tore through the silence. "Sirius!"
The panic stricken child turned his face towards the threshold, senses on high alert. Had he been dreaming?
"Sirius!"
The second time, the boy did not hesitate and bolted. Almost breaking his neck as he threw himself into the stairs, Sirius stumbled into the dark hallway, shoulders bumping into the walls. He did not care if he woke the entire household; never had he heard so much fear in his brother's voice.
"Siri! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!" The calls kept on coming and the boy's terror was mounting with each and every single one of them. For the first time of the night, tears sprang to Sirius' eyes and he held back a moan.
"I'm coming Reg!"
Skidding to a halt in front of Regulus' bedroom, he tried to turn the handle and, upon finding the door locked, he banged savagely on it. "Reg! Open up! It's me! Open the door!"
"Sirius! Sirius!"
Taking a shuddering breath, the young boy took a step back and tried breaking down the door, ramming his shoulder against it. It still refused to let him through. Getting desperate, his hand formed a fist and he slammed it on the wooden surface once again. On the other side, his brother was still wailing. A sob finally bubbled to the surface and escaped Sirius' lips. He kicked the door on last time.
"Sirius! Sirius! Sirius, wake up!"
The boy's head snapped upward. What?
"Sirius! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
Sirius woke abruptly with someone standing over him. The boy sat up with a start and clutched the front of the shirt of the intruder, his brother's cries of anguish still ringing in his ears. As his eyes focused, he realised he was nearly choking James who was looking at him with alarm. Instantly letting go of his friend, Sirius let himself fall back into his pillow with a groan.
This was going to be a shitty day.
Neither boys spoke after this, and even though Sirius was aware James was watching over him through the troubled eyes of a dysfunctional mother hen, the wizard did not acknowledge his friend's presence and focused on regulating his breathing. He was fine, a nightmare had never killed anyone. James eventually walked away with a sigh and then attempted to drag the covers away from a feebly protesting Remus.
Sirius threw the sheets aside and got up, struggling with his wobbly legs. He knew by now there was no point in staying in bed any longer. Sleep evaded him and he was not feeling up to mulling over his thoughts. He always had a miserable time trying to shake off the sentiments that these dreams brought on. They were frequent too. He really hated the way his subconscious consistently reminded him how things used to be and how he had let his brother down in so many ways.
In his sleep, his memories and his fears seemed to mangle in quite a mysterious fashion and half of the time, he would have trouble distinguishing the scenarios his mind came up with from what had really happened.
In this case, Sirius really wished he could push his terrifying dream aside as another one of his nightmare, but, except for the part when Regulus had started screaming his head off, everything had really taken place and it was obviously not leaving the boy in peace.
Sirius had known since the tender age of five years old that his cousin was not quite in the right state of mind. It had not taken a genius to figure this one out.
Since Bellatrix', Andromeda's and Narcissa's mother had died when giving birth to the latter, Sirius' uncle had to raise them on his own and, as the active businessman he was, he did not always have the time to watch over his daughters. When it happened, the Black sisters would be shipped to Orion's and Walburga's household. In other words, Sirius and his cousins had basically grew up together.
Everything had been fine until Andromeda had gone off to Hogwarts. Then, without the good influence her sister had had on her, Bellatrix' character began to stray.
The girl had never seemed to have any consideration of others, except for a few chosen ones, and concepts as compassion and empathy escaped her completely. She had not always been cruel though. However, she continuously complained about headaches that gripped her skull every so often, causing her to become catatonic for hours straight, and, once she had discovered she found relief in others' pain, things had gone downhill.
One day, Sirius had found Bellatrix kneeling in the backyard, prostrated over something he could not see. Thinking she was having another episode and that the pain in her head was too high for her to move, he had run to her side to help her out. What he had discovered though was not a girl in agony. Bellatrix had somehow found and captured a little grey mouse while wandering in the garden and, as Sirius came to stand by her, she was squeezing the creature so hard in her fist that the animal, in the hope of escaping her, desperately clawed at her hand, making profound slashes in the flesh. Before the boy could do anything, Bellatrix had given one final deathly squeeze and the sound of cracking bones had reached his ears. Disgusted, Sirius had made Bellatrix tossed the cadaver in the bushes and silently led her inside so she could wash her hands.
At first, Sirius thought it had been one spout of morbid curiosity not unlike the ones that gripped little children who found themselves burning ants with a magnifying glass.
It had not been the case.
Since that day, Sirius had to stop Bellatrix from harming any living thing she could lay her hands on. No matter how many times he told her it was amoral and wrong, she did not seem to understand. It was then that Sirius had come to the conclusion that his cousin's actions had nothing to do with will, it was compulsive.
It had only gotten worse when her first signs of magic emerged.
Bellatrix' magic was explosive. She had no control over it and her powers were greatly influenced by the emotions she felt. Whenever she was in distress, magic would come pouring out of her and she lost what little inhibition she had. Sometimes she would steal her father's, her uncle's or her aunt's wand and she would disappear for hours, only to come back with her hands stained with blood. Figuratively and often literally.
Since both houses she lived in were protected with wards that kept the Ministry from detecting the magic that was unleashed within its walls, Bellatrix did not have to worry about getting sent a warning in link with her practice of underage magic.
Her own father, on the other hand, did not seem to mind the way his daughter used her powers. Cygnus Black III did not care about Bellatrix' sanity, but was on the contrary pleased with the amount of potential she showed. No matter what Sirius said, Bellatrix' father did not wish for his offspring to reign in her magical outbursts. He encouraged them, making sure to provide her with new victims every now and then.
Of course, Sirius could not say this to his fragile minded cousin. As long as the two of them stayed under the same roof, the dog animagus had managed to keep Bella relatively grounded. The girl might not have been able to repress her urges, but she let Sirius admonished her every time she did and showed some remorse afterwards.
The young wizard could have given up on her a long time ago. However, he did not do so and he kept on trying to get her back on track. Sirius could barely recalled what Bellatrix had been like before her own head had begun to play tricks on her. All he remembered was a smile as bright as the sun and a laugh, like bells in the wind that warmed him from within. For the sake of the friendship they once had and the blood ties that bonded them, he had refused to let her down and to allow the Bellatrix from his souvenirs to fade away.
However, there was nothing he could do when she left for Hogwarts a year before him. When she had come back that summer, Sirius realised she, herself, had let her old self float away. With no one to act as her conscience, Bellatrix had become as unpredictable as a loose cannon, prompt to anger and quick to lash out at others with her wicked tongue.
Against all reasons, he had entertained the thought things would get back to normal once he went to school and was back by her side. It had been foolish. Bellatrix had wanted nothing to do with him after his sorting in Gryffindor. Of all the hardships he had to endure that year, this had been the hardest blow.
He did not care that she thought he had betrayed his family by walking out on them this summer. She had been the one to turn her back on him first.
It did not matter anymore. Sirius was way past the point of caring. He was totally over it. Totally. Nowadays, Bellatrix was not even worth half of the girl she had once been, the kind of girl that had enough guts to stand up to his mother and take up his defense what seemed like a lifetime ago.
She had since long gotten over the qualms that kept her from hurting people around her. Plunging one's gaze into the bottomless pits that were her eyes was quite a disturbing experience.
Angry with himself for letting his memories affect him quite so, Sirius huffed and went in search of socks that were not mismatched, kicking around the mess of clothes that flowed out of his trunk and invaded the area surrounding his bed.
Breakfast was a quick and silent affair. Sirius moodily pushed his food around his plate as James sullenly forced himself to give the dog animagus space. Remus, on the other hand, was staring in the depths of his pumpkin juice as if wondering if he might be able to drown himself in it with enough determination. Peter ate in silence, too observant not to know that trying to engage any of the marauders in mindless blabber would be an unwelcomed and futile attempt.
Eventually the group got up and dragged their feet out of the Great Hall. They had almost reached the Transfiguration classroom when Sirius suddenly halted. Head turned towards a group of students clad in green and silver, Padfoot told his friends to continue without him and made to walk in direction of Slytherin boys that had caught his attention. He waved James' concerns away as the teen voiced them and strode confidently though the throng of children running to their classes until he was standing next to a young boy with shiny brown hair that were barely long enough to hide his earlobes and tickle the back of his neck.
"Regulus. A word?"
Guarded eyes turned to him. Almost immediately distrust appeared on his younger brother's face and a look of deep annoyance, one that Walburga Black had taught him well, settled on his features. "I do not have anything to tell you. All has already been said." snapped Regulus.
A look from Sirius sufficed to make the other boys scatter. Padfoot swallowed nervously. He had known Regulus had been angry with him, positively full of rancor, but if it came down to that he did not mind step on his pride for once. Regulus was worth grovelling for. "Well, I have something I want you to know. I have been writing you letters all through summer but they all came back to me unopened so..."
"Well this should have clue you in, right?" replied Regulus with more spite than he obviously intended. Battling to regain his composure, the younger boy settled for a glare. "I do not wish to hear whatever you have to say to give yourself good conscience."
"Reg, come on. Don't be like that." stressed Sirius with a hint of desperation.
"Is there a problem?"
Voice as oily as his hair, Severus Snape made his undesirable presence known. Seething, Sirius struggled not to punch the boy right in his overlarge nose. Snape was everything the dog animagus had wished to leave behind as he walked out the door of 12 Grimmauld Place, down to the hard cold eyes, the shifty ways and the sordid fascination for the dark arts.
It was one thing to be force-fed knowledge about pernicious curses and maledictions like his cousins and he had been through their childhood, it was another to actually love the dark arts and to talk about them the way Snape did, almost caressingly, as a man would talk of his lover's curves.
Snape was the perfect little Slytherin, and Sirius hated him for it.
"Why don't you go sniffing around somewhere else Snivellus?" spat Padfoot.
"I was not talking to you Black, but to your brother. How typical that you would think that everything orbits around your person." sneered Snape, speaking in a pompous way that made it obvious he was trying to copy the studied drawl so many Purebloods expressed themselves with.
Before Sirius retorted, Regulus raised a hand to placate the both of them. "Everything is fine Severus. Sirius and I were done." said Regulus coldly. Then, to his brother's dismay, he made to turn his back on him.
Sirius' hands started to shake. The resentment he had felt during the holidays after being ignored by a boy he had spent his entire life protecting from the wrath of Walburga Black and that he had forced himself to bury along with the pain that came with the realisation he was not good enough for his own mother, remerged. "So what? You are friends with an idiot like Snivellus now? Really Reg, you can do better than that." burst out Sirius, trying to convey the warning he had wanted his brother to hear all summer.
Don't listen to them. Don't let yourself become mother's puppet. Stay clear from Bellatrix, she will scar you until you're as ugly as her.
Regulus suddenly whirled around. "You. You have no idea what is best for me so please refrain from offering unwanted advices or critics on how I deal with my life." exclaimed Regulus. For once, some of his pain leaked through his mask and Sirius realised how much his departure had affected his brother emotionally. You left me behind. You left me alone with them, his eyes seemed to be screaming.
He was gone before Sirius had the sense of grabbing him by the collar and dragging him back.
"Looks like he finally realised how worthless you are Black. Took him long enough, don't you think?" Snape said with undisguised glee.
Having forgotten the Slytherin was there, Sirius blinked a couple of times before his eyes zeroed in on the bat-like boy. "Talking about worthless Snape, have you tried talking things through with Evans yet or is she still hell bent on ignoring you?" Sirius paused to let his words sink in. "I don't think I have anything to teach you about letting people down, scum."
Snape colored but did not lose his cool. A cunning glint shone in his eyes and a smirk appeared on his lips. "How long will it be before your friends realise they are better off without you as well?"
It was a trap of course. Sirius knew that. However, may it be because of the aftermath of the nightmare, the bitter taste of the whole Deauclair disaster had left in his mouth or the shock of Regulus' final rejection, Sirius still fell for it.
In seconds, his wand was out, but Snape, having been prepared for his harsh reaction, beat him to it and Sirius was immediately struck by a beam of purple light that gave him the impression of having been slugged in the stomach.
Things got a little out of hand after this.
Sirius barely noticed the mayhem around him. He was vaguely aware of the screams and the minor explosions caused by the spells that erupted from dozens of different directions, but, other than that, he focused all of his attention on Snape and on how to destroy that stinking face of his. James came to fight alongside him at some point and the stag animagus saved him from quite a few nasty hexes that were hurled his way.
As chaos ensued, an odd sense of calmness gripped Sirius. He had been so tired of sitting there and simply taking it. Finally he was doing something. He fought with renewed vigour until the scuffle was stopped abruptly and his feet left the ground due to some unknown force. He landed on his shoulder and gritted his teeth when pain signals erupted in his brain, making him see stars. Still, the sight of Snape lying at a short distance made his train of thoughts fuzzy with anger. Stumbling into a vertical position, Sirius was about to curse the bastard into a billion of little pieces when someone rammed him into the wall.
"Enough!" shouted the wizard with so much anger that Sirius stilled.
Never in his life had Padfoot been so stunned. James Potter was against him. Seemed like Snape was not so off the mark after all. As his heart sank, his defense mechanisms kicked in and he pushed the teen away from him with all his might.
James was unrelenting though and refused to get off his case. "Bloody hell, mate. This has to stop before someone gets killed. Look around you for Merlin's sake."
Confronted by the disappointment of his best friend, who was always filled with a will to protect others, Sirius was forced to look away. Never had he thought someday people would need to be shielded from him. Looking past James' shoulder, Sirius had to concede the boy was right: the hallway they were standing in resembled a battlefield. Students were scattered all over the floor: some bleeding from cuts on their arms or face, others holding their heads and all of them sharing the same look of fear.
Sirius' eyes landed on Amelia as she struggled to stand upright on one elbow while nursing her other arm and keeping it near her chest as if it had sustained a blow.
"Alright." whispered Padfoot, his shoulders sagging.
"Yeah?" asked James, looking uncertain.
Lily intervention allowed Sirius to avoid having to answer. After witnessing Snape getting handed his balls on a plate by said redhead and getting rendered completely deaf by a hysterical McGonagall, Sirius followed numbly a group of first years to the infirmary, having successfully managed to dodge his friends and disappear in the crowd when they came looking for him.
He was not feeling up to explaining his actions to any of them, not even James. What he needed right now what some way to blow some steam off. Taking advantage of the fact teachers were concerned with the wellbeing of those among the younger students that had been severely battered during the brawl and did not pay much attention to him, Sirius left the ranks, making his way to the outside grounds.
He walked briskly, almost running, in direction of the Quidditch pitch and once he got there, he strode to the broom shed and picked the lock with the magical penknife his uncle Alphard had sent him for Christmas a few years back. After he had broken into the shed, he got the chest containing the balls and retrieved his beater's bat. Reaching the middle of the pitch, Sirius kicked the lid open and undid the straps keeping the bludger in place. Camped firmly on his feet, the boy raised the bat at shoulder's height and, when the ball shot up and started looking for a target, he swung it wildly. The shock wave that ran up his arms as the bat collided with the ball almost made the boy drop the club, but this was the kind of pain he was accustomed to and he welcomed it with relief.
The bludger was back quickly and Sirius fended it off once more. Cracks like thunder filled the stadium as Sirius hit the ball over and over again, his head slowly emptying as he had known it would. He embraced the numbness and continued the exercise until his arms were trembling so hard he could barely hold the bat in the air long enough to whack the bludger away as it came buzzing back to him.
Knowing pushing himself past his limits would only serve to land him in the infirmary with a head injury, he put away the quidditch equipment begrudgingly. He was on his way back to the castle when his stomach growled loudly. Frowning down at his midriff, Sirius raised an eyebrow. He had not realize how long he had been out there; lunch was probably getting served. The boy decided to avoid the Great Hall and to head to the kitchens; the minute McGonagall would set her eyes on him she would put him in detention for the rest of his days for his implication in the duel and he was not feeling up to getting ranted at.
As Sirius strolled through the hallways, the dog animagus could not help but notice the edginess that lingered, the corridors were practically deserted and those who remained walked briskly, looking over their shoulders every so often. Finally, the painting hiding the entrance of the kitchens came into view and Sirius was about to tickle the pear when the panel was suddenly wrenched open. The boy had to leap out of the way to avoid getting smacked in the nose by the door and almost fell to the ground in surprise.
What happened next had him rooted on the spot and he was nearly trampled by the girl that came coming his way. The witch, long red hair flowing behind her, stormed out of the room, plumes of steam coming from the pots on the fires following her out. Her gaze barely grazed him and in no time she had barrelled past him, green eyes blazing with anger.
"Always a pleasure to see you, Evans!" Sirius called after her.
"Go to hell, Black." replied Lily without turning around.
Her response had Sirius chuckling under his breath. She was definitely a keeper that one. No wonder Prongs was so infatuated with the girl.
With all honesty, he had to admit that Lily Evans usually had a kind nature. There was only one person on earth that managed to bring out the fieriest side of her, only one.
Well, if Evans was in that state, it could only mean one thing. Sirius' smirk slipped from his face and he stared at the kitchen's entrance with apprehension. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed it vigorously before he manned up and went through the door. As he had expected, a head of messy black hair could be seen among the sea of bustling house elves running around dressed in white pillowcases. Threading through the throng of little creatures that all squealed in delight at the sight of him, Sirius weaved his way to James and sat by his side.
Staring right ahead, Padfoot waited for James to lift his face from the table on which he had laid his head. When his arrival did not suffice to induce a reaction on Prongs' part, Sirius grew fidgety as dread filled him. "Are you still mad at me?" he asked, trying to come off as casual as possible. There was not many people whose opinion mattered to Sirius, but James was one of them.
James did not move however and for an instant, Sirius thought he was about to get treated with the cold shoulder. Prongs' voice reached his ears eventually, slightly muffled due to the fact his friend's face was still pressed against the wooden table. "I don't know, should I be?"
Sirius bit his lower lip. He knew James for long enough to recognize this as a trick question. Whether Prongs would forgive him or not depended on his answer. "Well, I guess you should," sighed Padfoot, "but I really wish you weren't."
As James started to straighten up, Sirius found himself incapable of looking at him any longer and started picking at his nails. Somehow all the disappointments and heartbreaks his mother supposedly had to live through because of him seemed like nothing compared to the idea of letting James down.
He could feel his friends' eyes on him and his cheeks burned in embarrassment. Of all the people on earth, James had to be the one to make him blush. His face was red with shame and there wasn't anything more to it, but Sirius could not help but feel self-conscious. Sirius Black blushing! If Wormtail were to hear about this, he would have a field day.
"There were a lot of innocent bystanders in that hallway. Lots of first years too. One of them could have been severely hurt. Hell! Some of them did land in the infirmary." said James severely. In these moments, the bespectacled boy reminded Sirius strongly of Charlus Potter. No one could guilt tripped him more than Mr. Potter. James was doing a fine job himself though.
Padfoot tried to talk but his throat was so dry that no sound came out. He coughed and nodded in response which seemed to be enough for the other boy as he continued. "Moony, Wormtail and me… We will always stand by your side, you know that, but this... I refuse to watch you harm yourself and people around you." Prongs was getting winded and sounded more and more frantic. Sirius knew without a glance that James had messed up his hair in frustration and that it now stood in complete chaos on top of his head. "And I won't do things that goes against my morals either." exclaimed Prongs, "Damn it, Padfoot look at me!"
Gulping, Sirius raised his eyes. James was staring at him with a mixture of anger and worry, but his jaw was set and he looked determined, like he always did. Suddenly, Prongs' face fell and betrayed the pain he had been hiding behind his long tirade. "Mate, you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid."
It was true. He made a promise to James during the summer, a few nights after he had ran away from home that he would not let anyone get under his skin when they got back to school. Guess it was easier said than done. However, Sirius knew that James attached great importance to oaths. Prongs easily trusted his friends, assuming that, because he made a point of living up to his promises, others would do the same. It was kind of foolish in a way.
For someone like Sirius, who had been brought up to believe no one was trustworthy, it was almost risible, but Padfoot respected deeply James and should have known that his actions would hurt his friend. "I didn't think." mumbled Sirius.
"Of course you didn't. You never do." snapped James. Realising how harsh he was being, Prongs took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Taking deep breaths, he attempted to cool down.
He did not apologize though. Well, it was only fair, Sirius hadn't either.
Not until now anyway. "I'm sorry, alright."
James stared at him blankly for a second and Sirius made a point of looking into his eyes. Prongs did not seem to think he was convincing enough though and grimaced. "You've got to mean these things, Pads. I'm not McGonagall. You can't expected me to believe you're sincere when you apologize only to placate me."
Sirius was about to tear his hair right off his head. "Look, I won't tell you I regret hexing Snape, ok?" He simply would not. Snape was an ass and had what was coming for him. Sirius raised his hand when James opened his mouth to reply, brows furrowed. "You were right though. I did let him rile me up when I shouldn't have. And I'm sorry for that."
James huffed. "I swear, I heard everything you said Prongs. It's just…" Sirius sighed wearily, "Keeping my calm in this situation, it's harder than I thought it would be. This isn't all about me anymore. I can't stand to see Reg hanging around the likes of Snape and Bellatrix. They're rotten and they're going to bring him down with them."
Sirius had not forgotten the threats his cousin had made at the ball in Malfoy Manor. Bellatrix had set her claws into Regulus and she would not let go that easily. The teen was not stupid. He was almost certain by now that Bellatrix was part of You-know-who's followers, those who dubbed themselves the Death Eaters.
Sirius balled his fists and bit his tongue. He was trembling with anger. How could be possibly sit by and watch as his brother was being dragged into a mess that should not be his own? "I feel so powerless, you know? It's like it's happening all over again, like last time. He's slipping right through my fingers."
From the corner of his eyes, Padfoot saw James run a hand over his face before burying it in his hair and leaning on his palms, hiding his face from view. "In the end, it's really his choice." said Prongs softly.
Sirius' throat suddenly felt sore. "It's different. Reg is not sick in the head like Bellatrix is. It doesn't have to be that way." The dog animagus nearly choked on the last words and coughed a couple of times to hide his discomfort. Having to let go of Bella had been hard enough. He didn't think he would be strong enough to lose Regulus as well.
Of course, their relationship had been strained for a couple of years now, what with his mother hating his guts and expecting his brother to keep his distance with him. However, Sirius could not be able to live with himself if he allowed Reg to throw his life away for a cause he knew his brother did not entirely believe in.
Sirius felt a hand clamp on his shoulder. Turning his head, he looked into Prongs' resigned eyes. "Let's skive. I don't feel like I can listen to anything that will come out of Sprout's mouth anyway. I need a drink and hot chocolate simply isn't going to cut it. How about we go to Hogsmeade?" asked James, raising from his seat.
The wizard was halfway through the door when Sirius finally got to his feet and went after him, his spirits lifting considerably. Grinning, he followed James out and started walking by his side. Probably feeling the waves of satisfied contentment radiating from Padfoot, James casted him a quick glance and frowned. "You're insufferable, you know that? I can't seem to stay angry at you more than ten minutes."
"What can I say? It's my natural charm." replied Sirius proudly. Prongs only snorted in response.
They had almost reached the one-eyed witch statue when Sirius finally remembered. "Oi! Are you going to tell me what happened with Evans? You would have thought she would not approach you with a ten-foot pole after the deal with Snape last year."
James' face darkened abruptly and he avoided Sirius' eyes, opting to focus on casting the charm over the statue to make it move. Prongs entered the passageway and Sirius followed suit, intrigued. After a moment, James spoke in a dulled tone that sounded nothing like himself. "I think I'm going to give up on her, Pads."
Sirius' eyebrows shot up in surprise. "That bad, eh? What did she say?"
"It wasn't something she said really... It's just... I'm getting tired I guess."
Now, Padfoot was definitely worried. James had never been the kind of person that gave up. He refused to. His years of pursuing Lily without success were proof enough of that fact. "Mate, don't take this the wrong way but… What the hell? I mean, I know you've been trying for so long, but it never seemed to bother you before. What brought this on Prongs?" Sirius wished the secret passage was better lit. In this darkness, it was almost impossible to discern his friend's expression.
"Something happened today. I don't know, it changed my way of viewing things I guess." mumbled James. Sirius waited for him to explain what had taken place but, after a moment of silent debate, James seemed to think better of it. "Well, I thought I was a good judge of character until now but I'm not so sure anymore."
"What does this have to do with anything?"
James halted. "Padfoot, I always have been so convinced Evans was the girl for me. There was no doubt in my mind." Prongs made a frustrated sound and kicked a stone that lay near his foot. He waited for the noise of the rock skipping on the hard ground to cease before carrying on with his thoughts. "What if I was wrong? What if we weren't made for each other at all? Then I would have been harassing some poor girl for nothing way too long."
Prongs exhaled loudly. "Besides, there's way too much going on these days for me to chase after someone that wants nothing to do with me." James suddenly started walking again as if to put some distance between him and his thoughts. "Things are changing Pads! There's a war brewing out there. We gotta get ready for what's waiting for us around the corner. There's no time for schoolboy crushes anymore." called the wizard from over his shoulder.
James' words weighed on Sirius' shoulders. A shiver ran down his back and the boy felt as if, by voicing his thoughts, Prongs had set something in motion. Jogging to reach James' side, Padfoot tried to shake off the foreboding that got hold of his heart.
"How about we convince Rosemerta to serve us a firewhiskey first?" joked Sirius.
As Prongs' laughter filled the passageway, Sirius smiled. Maybe his shitty day would not turn out so bad after all.
The rest could wait.
Hope you like it. I was actually quite excited at the idea of sharing my vision of Bellatrix. I make a point of depicting all of my characters (with the exception of Voldemort maybe) with more complexity than simply describing them as being good or evil. Bellatrix is no different. It is clear in my mind that she is mentally disturbed and that it affects her personality. Clue the animal abuse. I mean... She did torture Neville's parents to insanity.
Tell me what you thought! Hope the part with Sirius and James was not too sappy. Sorry, I couldn't resist.