Chapter 15
Inner Sanctum

An autumn field in the mountains, blossoming with pink bush clover and the yellow flowers called ominaeshi in Japanese...

Robin hadn't known the name of that flower. Amon did.

"You're here, aren't you?"

He walked up next to her and stopped, looking over the landscape.

She watched him from the corner of her eye. Her heart was fluttering. Which Amon was this?

"'In the Autumn fields,
When I see the flowers,
My heart:
What should I say: that it's content,
Or that they draw it from me?'"

After quoting the poem, he looked at her. He looked at her the same way he looked at the flowers.

"You know who I am?"

"Of course. I've known you since the moment I saw you." He looked away. "I've felt you in my heart since you came."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude."

He shook his head. "That's not the way I remembered it, the last time I saw my mother. I never realized she was crying. I didn't think she ever cried."

Robin watched him, wishing he would look at her again. "When your mother became a Witch, she didn't know the choice that would force her to make. She didn't know it would mean losing you. But she had to be true to who she was, and to whom she loved, or it would have killed her. It would have suffocated her heart. You must understand that. And she left you with family who would take care of you. Your mother still loved you, Amon."

"Maybe she did." He looked contemplative. "Her name was Heiko. No one else knows that. Solomon doesn't know who my parents were, not even Nagira knows her name. But you deserve to know it."

"Did you ever look her up in the STN-J records? Do you know if she was hunted?"

"I never looked." After a moment, he said, "Maybe I will, if we ever go back."

"We?"

"If Karasuma tells us it's safe for you to return. I wouldn't go without you."

Robin's lips moved. There was so much she wanted to say. So much she couldn't find the words to say. "Amon..."

When she trailed off, he spoke. "I never meant for anyone to see the things in my heart. Especially not you. But in a way I'm glad you did. Now you understand why I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved."

The words struck Robin like a knife, but she choked the pain down. Her feelings for Amon had never been contingent on his feelings for her. As much it might hurt, she would accept whatever he had to say.

"You were going to tell me..." she said, "You were going to answer my question about if you've ever been in love."

"The truth is, I'm not sure if I was in love with Touko. When I was with her, it was the happiest I had been since my childhood. Her father didn't approve. At the time, we thought it was because of the inherent danger of my job as a Hunter."

"But it was because Zaizen didn't want his daughter to marry a Seed," Robin said.

He nodded.

"Is that what came between you?"

He shook his head. "It was my fault. I could blame Kate, but it was my own mistake."

"Kate?" Robin repeated, and realized she already knew. She knew from how betrayed and manipulated Amon had felt when he hunted her. "She seduced you."

"I realized when I learned about her plan to betray the STN-J that she'd hoped if I fell in love with her I would help her escape. It was never love between us, but for a short time I believed it was. I didn't understand the passion, almost desperation, that she demonstrated toward me. She never knew about me and Touko, and I broke it off with Touko for her. Touko had never asked for more from me than I was willing to freely offer. Kate demanded everything I could give and more. Being with her was a foolish mistake, but at the time I called it fate. She was a Hunter, I was a Hunter. I thought she understood me. When I learned the truth... When I killed her... I knew I could never have what I could have had with Touko. And then I saw you."

Robin looked at him questioningly.

A warm, fragrant breeze blew across the autumn meadow. The sky was deep blue, streaked with feathery white clouds.

"I resumed a friendship with Touko, but when I realized she wanted more than that, I told her that I didn't think we should see each other again. She wasn't surprised. But she asked me one question. She asked me if I could ever open my heart to someone again. That was her concern. Even if it wasn't with her, she wanted me to be happy with someone. It was a question I couldn't answer." His eyes flicked to her. "You were there."

"Me?"

"I knew from the beginning that you had a certain fascination with me," he said. "I attributed it to a youthful infatuation."

"It was more than that. You must have realized how deep my feelings truly went. That's why you knew you had to be the one to hunt me if I was corrupted by power; you knew I could never bring myself to hurt you."

"I came to understand how unfairly I had underestimated you. You were never the foolish child I first thought you were. I found I couldn't manage to keep my own heart clear of affection for you. And when Zaizen told me you were a Witch, I didn't want to believe it. That led me to realize that I loved you too."

Her eyes widened. But hadn't he just said he couldn't love her?

No, she realized, that wasn't what he'd said at all.

"Amon, how exactly do you think I deserve to be loved?"

"Without reserve, without regrets, without darkness. You should be loved by someone who can worship you the way you deserve to be worshiped."

"No, Amon," she said sharply. "That is the last thing I would ever want. Especially from you. I want to be loved as an equal, by someone who will respect what is good in me and help me improve what is not. I want to be loved by someone who is complicated, and strong-willed, someone who will be my anchor when I need one. I want you, Amon, darkness and all."

He frowned at her. "Still? After everything I've told you? Everything you've seen in me?"

"Yes. Why do you think I was so happy that you would be my warden? Even though it was only in case you had to kill me, it meant I would be close to you, that I would be able to see you every day, talk with you, be near you."

He looked at her for a moment without speaking, then he said, "Sometimes I think perhaps I told myself you might come to abuse your power because it gave me an excuse to stay near you. In my heart I don't believe you would ever become a danger."

"I don't think I will, either. But now at least I know that in case I do, I can trust you to stop me, whether or not…"

"Whether or not what?"

Instead of answering, she took a step toward him, her eyes fixed on his.

"Robin...?"

She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, then curled them around the back of his neck.

Amon's eyes drifted closed as he let her guide his head down until their lips met.

Robin closed her eyes. She immersed herself in this kiss she had wanted for so long.

His hand rested on her shoulder for a moment, and then moved to her hair, running its silky strands between his fingers. His lips parted slightly, and she took a step closer.

As a tingling bliss spread through them, they forgot what they were doing, forgot the forms of their own bodies. They were soul kissing soul.

It was Amon who drew away first. He experienced a moment of disorientation as his sense of self returned and formed him back into a body.

Robin blinked at him, her jade-green eyes dark and dreamy.

"You said...this is a dream. You said I could get out of it by using my power. What did you mean?"

Robin had trouble remembering at the moment. In this beautiful meadow, with Amon, and especially after that kiss, it was hard to remember the crisis that had brought her here. "The Orbo...it's invading your body. Karasuma said that it feeds on a Witch's power, but when it absorbs that power it breaks apart. I guess it can only take so much of it."

"Which is why it takes more Orbo to bring down more powerful Witches," he said. "It makes sense, but if I'm dreaming, how can I use my power?"

"You weren't completely asleep. You were struggling to wake up. I believe you're conscious enough that if you try to use your power here, it will manifest outside you."

He looked around. "I can sense the Orbo. I've been able to sense it for...days, weeks. Growing stronger."

"There's something else."

"What?"

"Emotion. It also also feeds on emotion."

"That explains it. After kissing you, I feel like it's coming closer, like it's angry."

"We could try drawing it out by kissing again," she suggested.

He gave her a strange look, and then he actually smiled in amusement. He kissed her, warmly and deeply. Then he took both of her hand in his and pressed his forehead to hers. "I do love you, Robin," he said.

"I'm so glad."

He held her as the ground began to shake.

"It's coming," Robin breathed.

"No. I'm going to it."

The ground began to break apart, and something horrible oozed up from between the cracks. It was gooey, and a disgusting yellow-blue-white in color. Robin felt from it the same feeling of revulsion that she had always felt, though to a much lesser degree, in the proximity of Orbo. But this Orbo had gotten into Amon's cells, spreading from one to the next, infecting him.

"I think you should leave now," he said.

"No. We face this thing together. Whatever happens, we're in it together."

He kissed her one more time, quickly. Then he turned toward the nearest Orbo blob, which was sliding toward them like a slug the size of a house. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His hand gave Robin's a squeeze.

Dark shadow-tendrils appeared from the sky. They were a larger version of the shadowy monster that attacked them along with the illusion of Kate.

The shadow-monsters flew at the giant blobs of Orbo. In a moment, as Amon grew reaccustomed to deliberately using his power, the shadows formed into giant blackbirds. Claws and beaks tore at the Orbo monsters.

"Amon, look! They're hurting them! They're not just illusions here!"

She was right. In the dreamworld of the heart where illusion was truth, the manifestations of Amon's illusions were equal to the manifestations of the Orbo. As the giant blackbirds attacked, the bodies of the blobs broke into gashes. The gashes quickly healed, melding back into the bodies of the monsters, but they caused the monsters to shrink, slowly but discernibly with each attack.

But the monsters kept coming. There were over a dozen now, and more squeezing out of the ground every moment. For now, Amon's blackbirds were holding them off, but Robin was growing scared. She had been focused on getting Amon to use his power; she had not thought what might happen if he wasn't powerful enough.

The Orbo blobs were getting closer, moving like amoebas, advancing from all directions.

"Robin, can you attack them?"

"No. I'm separated from my body right now. That's where my power is."

He glanced at her. "You are in my mind. How did you get here?"

"A Craft. A very ancient one."

"Can they hurt you? Can the Orbo hurt you here?"

"I don't know," she answered. "I didn't have enough time to figure out all the details of how it works."

Amon's strength was failing. His blackbirds had completely destroyed two of the Orbo monsters, and several others had been cut down to a smaller size. But the smaller ones would merge together to form one giant blob, and more were still coming.

And Amon's blackbirds were beginning to fade.

"We need to retreat," he said.

The turned and ran. The remaining shadow birds cleared a path, and as they ran the bamboo forest appeared around them.

"This is the place where you hunted me," Robin noted.

"This is the place where I'm in control, where I'm calm and confident."

"So...the hunter, the child, the man who was looking for me but didn't recognize me, which one were you?"

"All of them," he answered. "And...none of them."

"I see. No one is just one person. Each one was a facet of your personality, and you...the you I'm with now...you're another facet?"

"Yes," he said, but he sounded uncertain.

"Or are you the sum total, the complete Amon?"

"I don't...think so," he said.

They reached a cave, or Amon created it for them, and stopped to rest.

"Did we escape them?" Robin wondered.

"No, but they haven't found us. Yet."

"It was working. You were beating them down."

"I wasn't strong enough," Amon said.

Robin looked at the mouth of the cave, worried that at any moment the creatures would invade it. "There must be something more I can do. Some Craft."

"I thought you said you couldn't use your power here."

"Not my fire, but I might be able to create a Rune spell. The power of the Craft is based on knowledge, not inborn abilities." She thought. "I could try runes to ward off evil."

"That could keep it from reaching us, but it wouldn't destroy it."

Robin nodded, disheartened. Then another idea came to her. "Amon?"

"Yes?"

"I know a Craft that could strengthen your power."

He gave her a searching look. She couldn't read his expression.

"This Craft," he asked, "would its effects be permanent?"

"No. I mean, I'm not sure. In the world it would last as long as the runes remained undisturbed, but here I'm not even sure it would work."

"Is there a chance it would awaken me as a Witch?"

She knew he was thinking of the Craft his mother had used to awaken her own powers. It was a different spell. The one she knew used Elder Futhark runes, while the one Amon's mother had written used what had looked like Old Italic or Carian.

She could just say no; that would make Amon more likely to agree to it. And if Amon survived it didn't matter to her if he was a Witch or not.

But it would matter to him.

"I don't know," she answered. "Honestly, I've never heard of a non-Witch using it, so I don't know what effect it could have."

He was quiet for a long moment, then he said, "Do it."

"I'll need something to write it with."

Amon closed his eyes.

There was a fire pit in the cave. Whether it had been there before or not, Robin couldn't tell, but she suddenly noticed it. She found a chunk of charcoal in it.

"This will work."

She began drawing the rune wheel on the stone wall of the cave.

Amon watched her work for a minute, then he said quietly, "Robin, you understand this place better than I do. When you asked if I was the complete Amon...I don't think I am, because whatever part of me could hunt you... I remember hunting you, I remember intending to kill you, but I can't understand how I could do that. All I can feel for you right now is love. If this works and I recover..."

Robin frowned and the hand that was writing the runes slowed as she comprehended what he was saying. "When you wake up, you might not feel the same."

"There will always be a part of me that loves you. There always has been. But I'm not sure..."

"I understand," she said quickly, hoping he would drop the subject so she could concentrate on the runes that could save him without tears to blur her sight.

"Whatever happens, and whatever I might say, never forget that I love you."

"I wouldn't."

Amon stared at the mouth of the cave tensely. "It's coming closer. It's honing in on us."

"I'm almost done." Robin wrote the last two runes, then turned toward him.

"How will I know if it works?" He asked.

"You'd feel it," Robin answered, her heart already sinking. "You'd feel a surge of power."

Slowly, he shook his head.

The charcoal marks began melting and dripping down the stone wall before fading to nothing.

"It's not solid. It's not physical. It has no physical dimensions. It won't work," Robin realized. "I'm truly powerless here."

"Would it work if..." Amon paused, clearly pained by what he was suggesting, "if you went back? If you cast this Craft from the outside?"

She looked at him, and reluctantly nodded. "It might. I believe it would. But that would mean...Amon, I don't want to abandon you."

"Do you have any other ideas?"

She had to admit that she didn't.

They stared at each other, and the decision was made and acknowledged wordlessly.

She went to him and kissed him, pressing her lips against his so hard they hurt. She was terrified this would be the last time she'd ever see him. When she broke away she stared into his eyes for a long moment.

"Come back to me, Amon," she begged him, her voice choked with emotion.

He didn't say anything. He wouldn't make a promise he wasn't sure he could keep.

She nodded understanding. She didn't trust herself to say goodbye, either.

She knew how to return to herself. She must have known the whole time. She closed her eyes and declared in a clear, firm voice, "I am Robin."

Note: The poem is by Akazome Emon, Shika Wakashu 113, from 2001 Waka, trans. Thomas McAuley