Trigger Warning: Major warning of mention of self-harm.
It becomes a thing. Beca and Chloe become something and it leaves them attached at the hip. The senior tutors Beca and catches her up in English, but still helps the brunette along with all her classes. When they aren't at class or working, they're together. Give or take the times Chloe hangs out with Aubrey or when Beca hangs out with Jesse, but when they aren't together, they text all the time. And there's also the thing that Chloe touches Beca all the time, and the brunette not being too touchy-feely, tries to stop, but it is a feeble fight Beca knows she wants to lose.
Beca likes it all. She likes it a lot. She loves having a friend, especially one to make her smile this much. Beca starts feeling less sad. She cuts less. She still does, but not as frequently, she feels more sense of worth when she's with Chloe, who treats Beca like she is all that matters in the world.
Things especially change when Chloe tells the Bellas that she has nodes.
The Bellas have a team bonding after the nodes confession, and Chloe is only on Beca's side. It kills the brunette to look at her friend and sees how red her cheeks are stained from the tears. The team stops to get ice cream at a Dairy Queen after Chloe's confession, because it's Beca's idea to help Chloe's throat and she agrees immediately.
The group pushes tables together, and Beca sits next to a wall and her favorite ginger. The freshman stabs around at her blizzard as the Bellas make jokes to try and cheer Chloe up. Beca looks at Chloe's fake smile, and she hasn't taken a bite of her ice cream. The brunette hesitates, and then slyly puts her non-dominant right hand on the ginger's thigh. Her cheeks heat up and her hand tingles when Chloe places her left hand on top of Beca's without breaking eye contact with Fat Amy.
"Alright! Onto cone number three, I will be back aca-bitches!" Fat Amy exclaims and climbs out of her seat.
"How are you doing?" Beca whispers to the ginger when the Bellas all turn their attention to a yelling and laughing match with Amy across the whole Dairy Queen.
The ginger smiles and strokes her thumb over Beca's hand, "Good, thanks to you."
They smile at each other like idiots.
"This tastes like my twin did in the womb," Lily whispers, for the first time ever the whole group hears her.
"What the-" Beca starts.
"What did I miss?" Fat Amy asks as she plops down in her seat next to Aubrey.
"Your innocence wasn't stolen, that's all," Aubrey mumbles.
"Oh it couldn't have been that bad," Amy drawls.
"Yeah, it isn't as bad as having nodes," the ginger tries to cynically joke. The Bellas all stare at each other silently, until Chloe interrupts, "I was joking guys."
The table hesitantly laughs, except for Beca, who can tell the ginger is the last thing from okay. Beca, going on blind courage and knowledge from knowing the redhead's habits, turns her right palm up to Chloe's hand, and intertwines her fingers with the redhead's. It's bold for the brunette who puts off the vibe of hating everything. But she knows this is how Chloe is with all her friends, and maybe the gesture will help. The freshman can see Chloe's jaw drop slightly, and then she feels her squeeze her hand. The smile on Chloe's face can tell her whole entire mood changed, and she feels proud of herself when the ginger takes a spoon to her ice cream and takes a bite.
"I'm not even kidding, I was on the Price is Right!" Fat Amy exclaims at Aubrey.
"No you weren't, Chloe and I watch that religiously in the summer," Aubrey argues.
"It was the Price is Right: Australia Edition. It was never aired, because there was this kangaroo accident," Fat Amy responds.
"Kangaroo accident?" Beca asks with a smirk.
"My grandma snuck a kangaroo in, because we had our rapping gig after," Fat Amy drawls, "and then it got away from my grandma and kicked Drew Carey in the junk."
The whole table erupts in laughter.
"Now here's the real question, would you have sex with Drew Carey if you had the chance?" Stacie asks.
"Fat Drew Carey or Skinny Drew Carey?" the Australian asks.
"Ew, no!" Aubrey exclaims, "Neither."
"Yeah, I would have to agree with Aubrey on that one," Cynthia Rose adds.
"Hmmm I wonder why," Fat Amy sings jokingly.
The Bellas begin rambling off of other points, when Beca feels her phone go off. She uses her left hand, mainly because Chloe keeps squeezing her right hand. She sees an iMessage from Stacie, and she looks up to the ditzy brunette across from her in confusion. Stacie pays her no attention and adds to Fat Amy's comment. Beca opens the text and sees an image of her and Chloe's hands grasped under the table.
Stacie: Gotcha! ;)
Beca: What? I'm being comforting.
Beca sighs and hides her phone on her left leg, mainly so Chloe can't read the nonsense over her shoulder. She watches Stacie look at her phone and type.
Stacie: Whatever you say, Beca.
The alternative girl sighs and ignores the message and turns to the now quiet table, Beca has to add to the silence, just so Stacie doesn't say anything false or stupid about the picture she took.
"I touched tongues with my cousin once," Beca notes.
"What?!" Fat Amy exclaims, busting out in laughter.
"Nobody else has done that before?" She looks around and sees all their blank and amused stares, "Oh well this is awkward. I think it messed her up. I think she works at a Wendy's now."
The whole table busts out laughing and Fat Amy slaps the table. That's when a Dairy Queen worker comes over with a frown, "I'm sorry ladies, my manager said I'm going to have to ask you guys to leave."
Beca lets go of her grip on Chloe's hand and stares at the worker's eyes, "Is that necessary?"
"Beca, it's fine we will leave," Chloe reasons.
"I'm sorry, you guys were just being too loud," the worker replies, sternly.
"Fine, I'll be seeing my way out," Beca says through clenched teeth and slams her cup in the trash on the way out. She feels the brisk air on her face and exhales. The brunette always gets worked up too easily, it's in her nature, a nice trait attributed through her father. She hears the Bella's follow her out, and a soft hand on her back.
"Are you okay?" Chloe whispers.
Beca clenches her fists, "Yeah, it's just frustrating, we weren't hurting anyone."
"Dang, shorty was ready to throw down in there!" Cynthia Rose exclaims with a laugh.
"Let's all go back to our apartment," Chloe voices while looking at Aubrey for permission.
Aubrey sighs, "Well since you offered it, I can't turn down a Bellas hangout."
The group starts shuffling back, and Beca walks behind to group, alone, grumbling in frustration. She sticks her hands in her pockets and kicks at the sidewalk for a few blocks, trying to calm herself down. She sees a flash of red, and looks up to see Chloe smiling at her widely.
"Are you all good?" Chloe quizzes.
Beca nods.
"Good, because we are about to have a great time!"
The group of ladies scale the stairs to the apartment. Fat Amy quickly claims the couch, and the Bella's follow to sit around on the ground. Beca leans against the wall, and looks down at her phone. She texts Jesse, which has become habit. And then she just plays around on the thing while the Bellas argue over what types of pizzas to order.
Chloe: What's wrong, grumpy?
Beca reads the message and ignores it, she knows Chloe seeing the read receipt will get her message across about not wanting to talk right now. She continues scrolling on social media, while trying to calm herself. It's a thing, Beca knows she has severe anger issues. Small stuff will set her off and the dam of anger breaks in her mind. She has learned to control it to the extent of ignoring people so she doesn't hurt them, with her words not her fists. She becomes very verbally abusive when mad, and she tries to prevent that.
Chloe: Becs, don't push me away. Are you still upset about the DQ thing?
Beca reads it and ignores it again. Clenching her free fist to just calm down. She turns her screen off and sticks it into her pocket. She claws through her long sleeve shirt at her cuts, which are covered with foundation from having to wear a short sleeve shirt earlier. The brunette knows she's the last thing from mentally okay, it isn't normal or okay to get this angry and have that correlate with complete and utter devastation. She has spent her fair time in her mind (and on the internet) to know she is depressed. And being alone is better sometimes, because then she is the only one hurt instead of anyone else she cares about.
Chloe: I'm taking the silence as initiative. You aren't okay, that's fine. I'm here to help.
Beca: Don't offer to be my punching bag.
Chloe: Kinky. :p
Beca lets out a slight smile at the ginger's joke. Well hopefully it's a joke. Chloe is flirty with everyone, it's her persona. She is probably just trying to make Beca feel better.
Chloe: Now there's my favorite smile. I'm going to pick the pizza up, you're coming with me.
Beca looks up, and sees Chloe smiling at her from across the room. The rest of the Bellas finally settle down from the great pizza dispute of pepperoni over bacon as a topping. Aubrey hangs up the phone from ordering pizza, and hands car keys to Chloe. Fat Amy starts scrolling though Netflix on the TV and then all the girls start debating on movies. Chloe brushes by and grabs Beca's wrist and pulls her out after her. Beca tries to hide her flinch at Chloe pressing on a particularly sensitive cut. The brunette is dragged to some rich person SUV and sits in the passenger seat next to Chloe.
"Tell me what's wrong," Chloe says after a few moments.
Beca fiddles with the radio, "It's nothing."
"Obviously it's something," Chloe lets out, with too much sass. Her voice softens, "And I'm here for you."
"I just have anger issues, that's all."
"Have you ever thought of getting help for it?"
"We so aren't talking about this," Beca sasses.
Chloe flinches, "Okay. I won't push, it's a sensitive subject and I don't want to hurt you."
"Why do you do that? Why are you so nice to me?" Beca asks, truly wondering.
"Because I care about you."
The freshman smiles like an idiot and looks out the window. Comfortable silence takes over the car for the rest of the ride, to the pizza place and back. It's the first time ever Beca hasn't felt like dying from being in silence with another human. She usually can't be in silence alone, she always needs music. But being quiet with people is usually a form of torture to Beca's mind and anxiety. It's because she always thinks too loudly, and it scares her. But this silence with Chloe, is completely golden, it makes her completely content.
The duo arrives back to the apartment with the long awaited pizza, and the whole group delves into the boxes. Upon finishing the food, Beca escapes to take a break for a moment. She already loves these girls to death, minus Aubrey, but she needs a break, she feels like she can't breathe. The brunette escapes to Chloe's room and plugs her phone into Chloe's charger. She lets out a shaky breath and tries to collect herself. Upon pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes, she feels a hand lightly on her shoulder. She whips around to stare into the icy orbs of Chloe's eyes.
"Are you okay?" the redhead inquires.
"Yeah."
"Well we are about to watch a movie, why don't we go on out there? I was going to change into sweats first." Chloe travels to her closet and pulls out two pairs of sweats and throws a pair to Beca, "Here."
"I'm fine," she tries tossing the pants back, but Chloe catches it and deflects it back.
"All the Bellas brought pajamas, I don't want you to get uncomfortable."
The brunette sighs and travels to the connected bathroom to strip out of her skinny jeans and into the sweats. Upon returning to the room, she witnesses Chloe's back to her as she pulls off her shirt. Beca gulps and tries to take her eyes away from her friend who is also a girl, and she can't look at a girl like that. But her eyes are drawn as Chloe's back muscles contract and relax until she pulls a black t-shirt on over it.
"Do you like something you see?" Chloe asks without even turning around.
Beca can't breathe, and she stutters while scratching at her cuts. "Uh, I-I, I um, you should give me y-your w-workout plan."
Chloe spins around and raises an eyebrow, "You work out?"
Beca lies and nods, "It's not just fast metabolism that keeps this stomach so flat." She's lying, somewhat. She works out with the Bellas and runs sometimes. But it's more of a weekly thing rather than a daily thing.
Chloe smirks and stares at the freshman gesturing to her stomach, "Okay, I will pencil you in."
Beca sighs, and Chloe fishes out a blue athletic t-shirt and tosses it to Beca, "Here's a shirt."
The brunette shakes her head vehemently, "Uh no, I'm fine."
"Beca, you're wearing a leather jacket, that won't be too comfortable to lounge around and sleep in."
"But I get cold easily," Beca quips. She's good at telling these lies to cover her forearms.
"I'll keep you warm," Chloe winks and struts out of the room.
Beca grumbles to herself, cursing at how she got into this mess. She peels off her clothes and pulls the t-shirt on. The red horizontal lines contrast her milky white skin, and make it like a blinking light on her arms. She crosses her arms, concluding it's her best choice to hide it.
"Hey," the Bellas chime when Beca emerges.
Chloe pats a spot on the couch next to her, and Beca reluctantly sits down. "We are going to watch a scary movie."
"I hate movies," Beca grumbles to herself. "Shouldn't we turn the lights off then? To make it scarier?" Beca asks, mainly because the dark will cover her arms.
"Yeah," Chloe nods and gets up to switch the lights off as the opening credits come in.
Beca lets out a sigh of relief and now her arms are invisible as before. The supposedly scary scenes pass by, and Beca isn't fazed. It is all predictable. Except, she doesn't really argue, because Chloe holds her hand and cuddles into her side. For some reason it makes her feel better when her arms are exposed like this.
The brunette finds herself falling asleep as she usually does during movies. And she is proud of herself that she makes it to the halfway point of the movie before she passes out. Dreams of blackness pass her by in her nice nap, until loud noises start to bring her out of her slumber.
"Aw, she's so cute when she's asleep!" Stacie coos.
"Well and awake too," Chloe mumbles.
"We should draw on her face!" Fat Amy exclaims.
"Nobody is drawing on anyone's face!" Aubrey exclaims. "Who falls asleep during a scary movie anyways?"
"Unless if she's dead," Lily whispers.
"Can I at least stick her hand in warm water?" Fat Amy asks.
"Guys, I am awake, you know?" Beca mumbles with her eyes remained closed.
"Aca-awkward," Fat Amy sings.
Beca cracks her blue orbs open to see all the Bellas crowded around her and inspecting her. She instantly makes sure to hide her arms, while rolling her eyes at the group.
"So are we going to go to bed or keep staring at me?" Beca voices.
"Someone is a Grinch," Fat Amy responds.
"Bedtime aca-bitches, we have an 8 am practice tomorrow." Aubrey announces and Fat Amy groans.
Beca stands up and stretches her arms above her head, and she panics when she realizes she exposed her arms. Her eyes dart around and sees nobody's eyes on her, so she quickly crosses her arms again and shrugs. The Bellas all start sprawling around on the ground and couch, and Chloe leads Beca into her room.
"Why don't we sleep with the rest of the team?" Beca asks.
Chloe stares sadly at the ground and she looks like she has tears in her eyes.
"Chloe, what's wrong? Is it your nodes? Are they hurting you?" Beca interviews.
That's when Chloe looks the younger woman in the eye with depressing eyes, and then looks down to the brunette's crossed arms. "Beca, I saw your arms."
Beca suddenly feels her world crash in around her. Her secret is exposed, she feels her throat close at the nakedness she feels. She crosses her arms on instinct, and feeling so raw and vulnerable makes her natural good roots of anger get exposed.
"What are you talking about?" The brunette snaps, vehemently.
"I'm talking about that it looks as if you hurt yourself," Chloe whispers.
"Well I don't," Beca lies.
Chloe roughly grabs Beca's wrist, and if she wasn't fueled by anger she would've wince from the pain, "Then what is this?!" Chloe cries.
"None of your fucking business," Beca snaps and rips her arm out of Chloe's grip. The brunette shoves past the redhead and pulls her leather jacket on, "I should just go."
"Beca, no, don't leave angry. Don't leave like this," Chloe pleads with fat teardrops streaming down her cheeks.
Beca shoves the hand off of her arm, "Don't. You don't get a say, leave me alone!"
The seething brunette steps past Chloe and storms out the apartment with all the Bellas staring down the badass with tears in her eyes. Beca's world is a blur upon crossing campus, all she knows is that she is suddenly fumbling with the lock on her dorm. She bursts into the dorm with tears of frustration, at herself, streaming down her face. Thankfully, Kimmy Jin isn't here, so Beca rushes to the box under her bed and pulls out a razor blade. She digs and winces as the blood seeps out of the new cut of frustration.
Her salty tears fall into the cut as she whispers, "I hate myself."
A/N: And there's that. Sorry if the ending was too abrupt. Thanks for all the follows and such. Please, please review! Tell me what you think so I know this isn't terrible :D Until next time…