Beca awakens to a loud banging sound. Her head instantly starts pounding as a hangover washes over her brain like a tsunami. The brunette can't grip her mind on anything except the raging headache as she braces herself to open her eyes. Upon opening her eyes, her headache is overtaken with panic. Chloe is sleeping next to Beca and is cuddling into the freshman's side, and upon feeling the sleeping ginger burrow her face into Beca's neck, she remembers everything from last night.
Full-fledged panic.
Beca gasps and it feels like she is trying to breathe through a straw. What the hell? She fucking kissed Chloe last night, after asking the girl to kiss her! What was Beca doing? Beca is so panicked and angry with herself she can already feel the tears soaking down to her neck. And she needs to get the hell out of this room right now, she needs to be as far away from Chloe as possible. Because Beca fears if she stays that her mind will wander to how amazing last night was, and not stay focused on how morally wrong it was.
So Beca does what she's best at, she runs away. She doesn't make it far. In a blur of tears, she manages to make it to the kitchen in the apartment where Aubrey is cooking, and she hears the girl sounding worried and quizzing her. Beca can't handle it, and as she thinks of how wrongful she was last night she pulls an Aubrey and vomits all over the kitchen floor. And then she's crumbled on the floor in a tiny ball, crying. And her mind is echoing with much of a damn abomination she is.
She hears Aubrey's panicked voice, she can't respond. She is swirling in a world of tears and regret and she's the last fucking thing from okay. Beca feels arms wrap around her and pick her up and carry her to a destination. She can feel a hand running up and down her back until the crying stops, until Beca is so mentally exhausted she can't cry anymore. She is just numb.
Beca looks through blurred eyes and sees the blonde hair of Aubrey as they sit near a toilet.
"Are you okay?" the captain asks, actually showing empathy for once.
"I'm the last thing from okay," Beca's voice scratches out.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Aubrey asks.
Beca shakes her head.
"Okay, well take a shower and brush your teeth. I'm going to go clean up your puke," Aubrey comfortingly says.
When the blonde is almost out the door, Beca speaks, "Hey Aubrey, thanks and I'm sorry for last night."
"I don't regret my ideas with the Bellas, but I was being cruel to my best friend and you defended her from me, so thank you. You are good for her," Aubrey smiles and closes the door. After Aubrey closes the door upon mentioning the ginger, Beca leans over and pukes in the toilet.
Beca emerges from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body and a towel wrapped on her head around her wet hair. She is so numb and upset with herself over Chloe that all she can feel is the pain of her hangover. And the bright light in Aubrey's connected room to the bathroom doesn't help, so she goes to Aubrey's collection of sunglasses on her dresser and she grabs a pair of aviators and throws them on. Beca emerges from Aubrey's room and sees all the Bellas up and eating breakfast in the living room. They all chime the word hey, and then start laughing hysterically at Beca's humorous appearance. Even Stacie and Fat Amy pull out their phones and take multiple pictures of the posing and hungover freshman.
"Aca-scuse me? Are you wearing my sunglasses?" Aubrey asks.
"Oh shut up, they're your only non-designer pair, you're fine," Beca responds.
"She is really hungover, Aubrey give her a break," Fat Amy chimes.
"Yeah, we got DJ Lil B drunk off her ass yesterday," Cynthia Rose chimes in.
"Very funny guys, let's get the tiniest one drunk and see how they are the next morning. Ha!" Beca sarcastically drawls and looks over the whole group. Her eyes meet Chloe's, and the freshman is thankful the sunglasses hide her eyes. Chloe is smiling hopefully at Beca, she remembers last night and she looks like she is ready to jump up and hug the brunette. And Beca knows in that moment that she needs to run, like she always does. So she stares into cerulean eyes and says, "God, what even happened last night? You guys got me so hammered I don't remember anything after the Riff-Off!"
Beca tries to ignore the pang in her chest when Chloe's face drops to complete sadness. And the rest of the girls laugh and try to recount Beca's actions last night. She ends up leaving back to Chloe's room to change into a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt she brought along.
Beca joins the girls for breakfast upon getting dressed, yet still keeps the sunglasses over her eyes. She sits next to Fat Amy and tries to smile along with the group and keep up with the conversation aimed at her, despite her feelings.
"So is this your first hangover? You're using my sunglasses like they're a lifeline," Aubrey directs at Beca.
"Did you lose your hangover virginity?!" Stacie exclaims excitedly.
Beca rolls her eyes, "Possibly, I wasn't a big drinker in high school."
Beca sighs from the girls' laughter and feels a finger poke at her neck, "It doesn't seem like the only virginity the midget lost last night," Fat Amy chimes and flicks at Beca's neck.
"Beca Mitchell! It better have not been a Treble!" Aubrey exclaims.
"Beca Mitchell, you dog!" Fat Amy exclaims.
"This can't be," Beca mumbles mainly to herself and the girls hear. She gets up and runs towards the nearest mirror and realizes that there is, indeed, a hickey on her neck.
"So who was it?" Stacie leans towards the girl in question as she sits back down.
"Oh," Beca tries to hide behind humor and the large bite of bacon in her mouth. She looks at Chloe who is just staring at her with no expression. "His name is None of Your Fricking Business."
"It is our business, was it a Treble?" Aubrey squeaks.
"No, I didn't have sex with anyone last night!" Beca shrieks and can feel her cheeks turn and resemble something of a tomato. Well at least that fact is true.
"Okay, then who attacked your neck last night?" Stacie asks.
"Incident with the curling iron then?" Beca's head snaps over to Chloe as she speaks the first words Beca has heard all day. To the rest of the girls Chloe probably sounds normal, but Beca can sense a bit of a condescending and bitter tone.
"Yeah, that." Beca asserts.
"Okay, well as much as I like talking about Beca's sex life," Aubrey drawls sarcastically, "It is time for us to head to the gym for rehearsal."
Fat Amy groans and stops when Aubrey shoots her a look. Beca trails the group of girls as her head pounds from pain and the memories of last night. She hides behind her sunglasses as the group strolls and she remembers Chloe's lips on hers. The memory makes her lips tingle and her cheeks tinge pink. She catches herself almost smiling and then she is very peeved at herself and scolds herself. She feels a hand on her back while in the midst of her thoughts and she looks up into the glowing blue eyes of Chloe Beale with a hopeful smile, and in that action her mind spins and Beca vomits for the third time this morning. Yet this time, it is all over Chloe.
"Ah shit! Why didn't I get that on video?" Fat Amy yells as the whole group turns to look as Chloe wipes Beca's vomit off herself in disgust. "It could have been a Youtube hit titled 'Almost Midget pukes on a Ginger!'"
"Ah!" Stacie yells and puts her rape whistle in her mouth, which turns to a mess of Aubrey wrestling the girl so she doesn't blow the whistle.
"Isn't Aubrey the one who is supposed to puke all the time on this team?" Fat Amy asks.
"Shut up, I'm sick and hungover and I feel like shit." Beca wipes at her mouth and winces.
"Aubrey, can Beca and I be excused for the day? For puking purposes," Chloe asks.
"I mean, you would understand," Beca adds.
"Ugh, fine, go on," Aubrey yells.
Ultimately, this leaves Beca alone with the girl she has been avoiding, and walking back to Beca's dorm. It is an awkward and suffocating silence. And it literally makes Beca feel sick, and she has to fight the urge of vomiting again. Upon returning to Baker Hall, the pair silently go to communal bathrooms after grabbing Beca's bathroom gear.
"I'm sorry," Beca breaks the silence, and Chloe looks up hopefully at her, "for ya know, puking on you."
Chloe's smile falters, "I'm strangely used to it, thanks to Aubrey."
Chloe then starts unzipping her sweatshirt and stripping to get into the shower. Beca quickly turns away so she isn't staring. The brunette faces the sinks away from Chloe and brushes her teeth. Upon finishing, she mumbles to the showering ginger that she is returning to her dorm.
Beca plops onto her twin bed and stifles a sob. She's such an idiot, and she hates herself for kissing Chloe, and she hates herself for how much she loved kissing Chloe. What's the purpose of this life if I'm an unaccepted abomination, Beca thinks to herself. Through her closed eyes, she can hear her door creak open and she cracks her eyes open to see Chloe standing in Beca's room in only a towel. She suddenly feels her mouth go dry, and all her guilt over this girl is pushed in the back of her mind as she stares at the perfection of the ginger.
Chloe clears her throat, knowing Beca is staring, "Can I borrow some clothes?"
"Uh, yeah," Beca fumbles out of bed and into her closet to grab simple clothes for the girl. Beca slips Aubrey's sunglasses off and throws them on her desk. "So," she drawls awkwardly, "I'm sorry for puking on you again."
"It's okay," Chloe smiles, but Beca can tell it is forced. Beca can see the shining sadness in Chloe's eyes that makes her stomach twist.
Beca sits back down on her bed and holds her aching head. She can feel the slight dip in the mattress as Chloe sits by her. Besides from the raging sadness and guilt, Beca is in pain. She feels the slight burning touch of Chloe's hand on her shoulder.
"Is this okay?" the ginger tentatively asks.
Beca nods. She's just fucking terrified about every emotion she feels.
"Good, why don't we lay down and watch some Grey's Anatomy?" Chloe voices.
Beca doesn't really want to argue. So she doesn't. She is simply emotionally exhausted and lays back into Chloe as they boot up the laptop for Grey's Anatomy. Chloe is quick to cuddle the girl. And Beca feels the internal battle of feeling protected from being held, but scared of her emotions. Chloe intertwines their fingers and squeezes Beca's hand tightly as the first episode starts.
"Do you really not remember last night?" Chloe asks in such a timid voice that Beca almost doesn't recognize it.
"Uh," Beca tries to lie, but she looks straight into cerulean eyes that stare into her soul. And she can tell in the moment that their eyes lock, that Chloe knows Beca remembers.
"You do remember," Chloe states. "Why did you lie?"
Beca suddenly feels smothered and too suffocated. She needs to get away. So she pauses the episode and climbs out of the bed to distance herself from the ginger. Chloe follows her lead and climbs out of the bed and faces Beca from across the room. With an irritated look and crossed arms.
"Are you going to answer me?" Chloe asks.
"You know why I lied," Beca mumbles. "It was a mistake," she lies.
And the complete sight of Chloe Beale's face dropping makes Beca's heart wrench. And the fact that she knows that she put that saddening look there is like pouring salt in the wound. She's hurting this girl she cares for, but it's because she cares for her too much and she is so scared. So scared and she just can't do it.
"You don't mean that," Chloe whispers.
Beca shrugs.
"So then why did you have me do it? Why did you ask me to kiss you?" Chloe whispers.
"I was drunk," Beca can hear the tears edging in her own voice.
"But-but you told me you meant everything…even though you were drunk," Chloe stutters and Beca can see her emotions crumbling.
"I don't know what to tell you, other than that I was drunk. Therefore, it meant nothing," Beca manages to twist the knife more.
"Drunk words are sober thoughts," the ginger says the popular phrase to herself and Beca. "This isn't fair."
"I'm sorry," the freshman prepares herself to lie completely as she levels her gaze with Chloe, "if I led you on."
"Beca, stop lying to me. I can read you like a book," Chloe says.
"I'm not lying," Beca lies.
"It's simple, just tell me if you aren't interested and I'm done, we can be friends."
Beca opens her mouth, but the lie won't come out.
"That's what I thought," Chloe says.
"I can't do this. We are better off friends," the brunette tries to grasp at leverage. Although she feels herself crumbling.
Chloe sighs, "Why not? Why can't you do it?"
"I'm too afraid. So let me be a coward, you don't deserve this. You deserve better than this, I'm afraid. I can't like a girl and actually realizing that I like you is terrifying. So please, can we just be friends?" Beca rambles.
"I wish I could say no to you, although I don't know how. I want more, but if you can't I understand, I can help you through it," Chloe says while striding forward to hug the brunette.
Beca shies away from the touch, this is going too well. "You don't need to help me through it, there's nothing to go through. It was just a little fling to a minor crush. It meant nothing."
Chloe bites her lip, and in that moment Beca knows she fucked up too much. The ginger nods vehemently to herself to contain her sadness. "Fine, it meant nothing. I just need time away from you. We can be friends, but wow this hurts right now. I care too much and it is hurting me. I need to be selfish, please just leave me alone."
Chloe is crying by the end of her speech and she runs out of Beca's dorm. Beca feels herself crumble even more at losing Chloe. She stares at the white door and realizes how much she's hurt Chloe and herself, all because she is scared. Beca's conflicting emotions crash in on herself and she feels tears slide down her cheeks.
A/N: Sorry for the late update and bad chapter. Tell me what you think!