A/N: Trigger Warning: Mention of self-harm.

Beca's life becomes a blur of making mixes and actually studying for finals. She can never sleep anymore, so when she's not in class, work, or at Bellas stuff, she studies and makes mixes. Plus she drinks lots of coffee. She keeps herself busy on purpose, so her mind doesn't have time to wander to a certain redhead.

It's really hard though. For seeming so strong to other people, she is dying inside. Especially at Bellas rehearsals when Chloe doesn't even look at Beca for a week. And there are times, when their eyes meet for a split second and it feels like her stomach is lurched from the sadness. She tries to just cut the pains of the whole Chloe ordeal away.

Beca manages to pull all A's and a B on her finals. It's the first sense of light happiness, because at this rate she will get her dad's blessing to go to LA. And it gets her a congratulatory Christmas gift of cash from her dad, which she will use to buy DJ equipment, obviously.

The Bellas had managed to pull a Christmas party before they all go their separate ways for break. It was a large ordeal of Amy knocking a large Christmas tree over and the stress causes Aubrey to puke all over the apartment. Beca stays behind that night to help clean up the vomit. She's trying to work on being a better person. She ends up being left behind with Chloe to clean up the whole mess while Stacie is tucking in a drunk Aubrey. It is an awkward silence filled with the scent of bleach. Beca is proud she manages to not cry in the whole awkward silence. It's a Godsend when Stacie comes back out and hugs both and leaves. Beca shortly follows after she is done cleaning.

"Have a merry Christmas, Chloe," Beca says before she leaves, and she can hear the emotion in her voice.

"Merry Christmas to you too," Chloe says, sincerely.

Within the next 24 hours, Beca finds herself back in her childhood room in Texas. She finds herself stuck in a rut on a mix, and she stares at the blank screen of her laptop screen that died about ten minutes ago. She feels the liquid forming on her eyelids as her thoughts of the ginger start to bubble up fully for the first time in a month. She hurt Chloe, she really hurt her. And now Beca herself is hurting. She cries herself to sleep with her phone in her hand that she repeatedly typed texts out to Chloe, but then erased them before sending it.

Beca rolls out of bed the next morning and slouches down to the kitchen of her mother's house. She sees the woman in her pantsuit with her back to her, pouring a large cup of coffee. Beca sits herself on the counter and waits for the sassy and tiny blonde to turn around.

"Good morning, Beca." Her mom says without turning around.

"Hey," she mumbles as her mother turns around.

Her mother groans, "Did you even wash your makeup off last night?"

"No."

Her mom rolls her green eyes and sighs, "What are your plans for the day?"

"Netflix," Beca mumbles.

"Great, just great," she tersely says.

"Give me a break, I just had finals," Beca snaps.

"I have work to go to, I will see you later," she kisses Beca's forehead and walks out of the large house.

Beca and her mother have never been particularly close. Beca knows that she was an accident baby that caused her parents to get married. And she knows her mom blames her for the divorce. It's a lot that has always weighed on Beca's mind of feeling worthless. It is one of the many bricks to the walls she has built around herself and never let anyone in. Until Chloe, who managed to break a chip in the armor of the wall, and then Beca managed to fuck both of them over.

Tears stream down her cheeks, and she strides across the kitchen to grab a knife out of the drawer. She makes a quick and stealthy cut on her arm. And then she does another one, right by the veins on her wrist. She washes the blood down the drain as she cleans the knife. She returns back to her room and cries until she falls asleep.

Beca wakes up in her pitch black room, she checks the time on her phone and sees that it is three in the morning. She slept all day and almost all of the night, she's even more of a piece of shit. Beca plugs her laptop in and continues onto her plan earlier that day and turns Netflix on. She finds herself crying into her palm as she watches half a season of Grey's Anatomy, while thinking of Chloe, of course. Then the sun rises, and she goes to take a shower and brush her teeth.

Beca goes downstairs to see that her mother has already left for work. So much for spending time together. The brunette spends a lot of time lying on the living room floor. She stares at the ceiling and thinks of Chloe. She misses her. Her heart aches and she thinks of her lips on Chloe's. The feeling of being held close like nothing else in the world matters makes her heart warm nostalgically. She sits up in realization, she wants it. She wants to be with Chloe, she knows now. She truly wants her, she wants to hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, and she wants to be with her. And the idea of no acceptance by her uncaring parents seems minuscule in her mind right now. She pulls out her phone and sends a text to the ginger.

Beca: I miss you.

Beca knows it will mean a lot to the ginger. When Beca doesn't get a response right away, she gets nervous. So she pulls out her Bible and looks up verses of God's love instead God's hate that her parents preach to her about. She finds herself smiling though her tears on a particular verse when her phone vibrates and the front door opens. Beca quickly runs to the bathroom, with her phone, to wipe away at her tears so her mom doesn't notice. She pulls out her phone and reads a text from Chloe whilst walking in the living room towards her mom.

Chloe: I miss you too. Can you call me later? I'm at a family Christmas party rn, so I'm sorry for the delayed response. But yes, God Becs, I miss you. Let's talk later. Xx

Beca smiles widely.

Beca: Of course, I'll call ya in a bit.

Beca sits next to her mom on the couch as the Polar Express plays in the background. Her mom looks solemn yet a little peeved. Beca rolls her eyes, "Yes mom, what's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, I just have to un-invite the neighbors to our Christmas Eve party tomorrow," her mom sighs.

"And why is that?" Beca sighs.

"Well," her mother with her judgmental southern accent begins, "I just found out at work today that their son is a gay." She spits the word out like venom, "And they accepted him. How could anyone love their child after that act of abomination? He is just going to Hell anyways."

Beca stiffens and she feels the inevitable tears forming. And instant second thoughts of contacting Chloe rush to her mind. "Oh," Beca whispers.

"Ugh, I'm going to go un-invite them now." Her mother looks at her, "You go get some sleep now, we have some volunteering in the morning, church after, and the big party!"

"Goodnight mom," Beca mumbles and rushes up the stairs and her whole world is in a blur.

She sways throughout her room as she begins bawling. Her mother will never accept her, and her mother reiterated the fact that God will never accept her either. And how can she come to grasp with that. She screams into her pillow in frustration at how much she hates herself. Beca plows her fist through the wall and screams out loud. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. Hot tears run down to her neck as she wallows. She can't accept herself, not with the fact that her god won't either. She hates that she has no choice on what she feels. She is an abomination in her mom's eyes and she just cries because of it.

Her phone starts vibrating, and that is when she realizes that Chloe said to call her. She looks at the caller ID and sees Chloe is calling. Her thumb slides across the screen and she presses the phone to cheek that is sticky with tears.

"I know I told you to call me, but I just went and got fresh air and figured now would be a good time to call!" Chloe chirps.

"Chlo," Beca's voice cracks and she can hear the tears in her voice.

"Becs? What's wrong?" Chloe's voice is instant with concern and it makes Beca wince even more.

"I'm sorry," Beca whispers. "I can't."

There is silence on the other line for a good minute. And the only noise on the phone is Beca shuttering with tears violently.

"You're doing it again?" Chloe asks and she sounds so small. "You lead me on to believe we could…be together, and then you just leave me. I don't mean to sound selfish. I am sorry. It just hurts."

"It hurts just as much on this end. My mom, she said she would never love her child if they were gay. I would be an abomination in her eyes. Or a half abomination, because I think I'm bisexual. Wow, I just said that out loud. But I can't be." Beca starts crying harder. "So I'm sorry, I can't, because I can't lose my parents or God."

She hears Chloe sniffle and she knows she is crying too.

"Do you really think God wouldn't love you for loving a girl, Becs?" Chloe winces.

"I think so," Beca bawls.

"I don't believe that. I can't, and I don't want you to either. So even if you don't want there to be an us, we can still be friends. I need to be here for you. Okay?" Chloe says.

"Thank you," Beca whispers.

The two talk on the phone all night. It's weird and full of tears on both ends. They agree to be friends, Beca won't have it any more and Chloe won't have it any less. Chloe falls asleep on the phone when the sun starts to rise outside Beca's window. Beca smiles and hangs up the phone and takes a quick nap before her mom wakes her up so they can go volunteer and go to church. She prays for forgiveness while in the church.

The party is a mess. Beca sits uncomfortably on the couch while her mom's drunk co-workers laugh and play Dirty Rotten Santa. Beca escapes from it all to her room when it is around midnight. She gets a text from Chloe at 12:01.

Chloe: Merry Christmas!

Beca says the same thing back and goes to bed. Beca and her mom respectively trade presents the next morning. Beca gets a new laptop and she thanks her mom. She gives her mom an iPad and her mom politely thanks her. That's it for the awkward conversation between the two. They then spend the day with all the family. They watch Christmas movies and talk trash about the new gay neighbor. It makes Beca feel shitty, but she's texting Chloe the whole time, and she makes it better.

Beca flies home the next day. She holes herself in her dorm and makes new mixes on her laptop. She finds herself texting Chloe the whole time. She is happy that their friendship is at least back. Chloe flies in on the 30th. Beca goes to pick her up from the airport, and seeing Chloe in person feels like the first time in months. Chloe gives her a tight hug that ends in Chloe running her hands up and down her back, which makes Beca feel weird and question her decision of just being friends.

The Bellas and mainly Chloe convince Beca to go out for New Year's Eve at a house party on campus. Beca doesn't want to, because she claims it will be full of drunk people trying to get laid. But here she is, standing off to the side of the impromptu dance floor with drunk students grinding on it.

"Time for the huntees to get hunted," Stacie says while gesturing to her crotch and stalking away.

"Alrighty, she works fast! Ladies, reminder: don't take drinks from people. I don't want anyone getting drugged! Stay safe," Aubrey reminds and walks away, while following Stacie's direction.

All the Bellas head off in separate directions, except for Beca and Chloe. Chloe has a hand on Beca's arm as the music beats through the whole house.

"Do you want to dance?" Chloe asks.

"No," Beca shakes her head. "I have to be drunk for that. And we both know how that will end."

An overhanging silence sits on the pair, and Chloe shrugs and leads Beca by the hand to the deck outside. They sit in the chairs in the fresh air with beers in hand. Chloe's eyes dart around through the clear doors to observe who is in the kitchen.

"Who are you looking for, Beale? Trying to find who you want your New Year's Kiss to be?" Beca jokes.

Chloe shakes her head, "No, I wouldn't have to look. If I were to have a New Year's kiss, it would be yo-"

Chloe stops midsentence, but she fairly gets the message across. Beca looks into those damn cerulean eyes, and she can feel the panic in her own. Her stomach squeezes when Chloe says those words. And a heavy sadness sits in her mind.

"I'm sorry," Chloe whispers.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it," Beca mumbles.

The ginger's facial expression lightens as she spots something in the house, "I see Tom! I'm going to go say hi!"

Before Beca realizes what she's doing, she grabs Chloe's wrist and turns her around so she is facing Beca. A bit too close, she can feel Chloe's breath on her lips and she cringes in sadness from wanting to lean forward.

"Tom? Tom as in the piece of shit who cheated on you?" Beca nearly growls.

"Yes that is him. But he is just my friend now," the forgiving senior smiles.

"Why?"

"He helped me through a lot after what happened to us…before Christmas. I was a mess, and he helped me from not jumping off the deep end," the senior whispers.

"Oh," Beca breathes and lets go of Chloe's wrist. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Chloe leans forward and hugs Beca. Beca finds herself sinking into the comfort of her touch. "And besides, I don't want anything with Tom more than friendship. I don't want anything with anyone right now…except for you." Beca's breath catches and she tenses. Chloe squeezes her whilst they remain in the hug, "Even though I can't have you."

Chloe pulls back and places a quick peck on Beca's cheek, "I will see you later, Becs!"

The girl skips inside and the brunette watches her retreating form. She feels the jealously of Chloe with Tom. She just doesn't want the girl to be hurt. Because she cares about her. Because she's her friend, and that's it.

Beca is seething as she sits on the couch and watches (in a not so stalkery way) as Chloe dances with Tom in a not so appropriate way. Beca's stomach churns and she angrily tries to glare a whole into the side of Tom's head. She hates him, and she hates herself for feeling like this about Chloe. She stands, very irritated as the countdown begins and Tom hugs onto Chloe's side. Everyone starts screaming "Happy New Year" and her world stops when she sees Tom lean down to kiss Chloe.

She can feel her heart breaking, even though she wish it didn't.

A/N: Andddd scene! Tell me what you think! :)