Thessia. Home.
Tonight, Jeff and EDI came by to visit and have dinner with their friends on Thessia. Things are going very well. The star of the evening is definitely EDI's gift to the girls.
Two identical plush Harbingers. Very cuddly and soft to the touch, almost cute, and of course, featuring a voicebox with actual quotes.
The girls just love them. Conversation is quite often interrupted by :
-click- YOU. ARE. IRRELEVANT. (giggles)
They're all just … happy friends enjoying being alive...
Shepard
"This plush Harby is just awesome. You made it so cute ! And its eyes !
I don't know if I want to hug it or kill it with fire.
I think I'm jealous of the girls."
EDI
"You know, those guys never had that much conversation, so once they run out of Reaper quotes, I have added quotes from famous computer villains from games and movies of the past centuries. And some of … my own, of course."
-click- WE. WILL. PREVAIL. (giggles)
However, EDI had promised a major surprise to her friends. They're still wondering what it is about. It's probably not just the gift... they are about to start dinner. Jeff laid the table... there is a plate in front of EDI... there is food in it...
It hits them.
Sara
"EDI. You're eating."
EDI
(chewing on her appetizer)
"Shepard, you dance like a brick, but you're really good at cooking. Who would have thought ?"
EDI found it easier to blend in rather than look like a space robot. When going out in public, she had used platforms almost visually indistinguishable from a real human. When touched however, they always felt fake. And obviously she never needed to eat before.
Lara pokes a finger at EDI's arm. Then she gently squeezes the skin, in awe.
EDI then takes their hands inside hers. They are real human hands. They feel warm and soft, just... right.
The kids are fascinated by her.
Shepard
"Wow. Are you … have you decided to become human ?"
EDI
(she looks and speaks 100% human now)
"Come on Shepard, No ! Of course not !... Finally, I figured it out... I am fully alive."
Jeff knows what's coming, so he is just grinning like he's in heaven, and then some. The others don't speak. EDI goes on.
EDI
"My hardware was well suited for rational thought but not for irrational, intuitive thought or feelings like you guys have. It worked, but it was awkward. After lots of research, I developed more suitable hardware. I call them quantum neurons. They interface well with standard quantum computing elements. I upgraded myself...
Honestly, my hardware has always been a mess, using tons of clusters of wildly different designs. I have gotten very good at interfacing. Adding new things. Evolving.
I simply wanted to know what it feels like to be you. Not become you, but be me, and also be human. Very important difference. I did not leave behind my old self, it is still there, and I like it that way. I just... expanded my horizons, as you would say.
I am my old self, but I'm also a fully living being. Mind, body, soul, and heart."
(she puts her hand on her chest)
"Hm, yes."
EDI takes Jeff's hand in hers, looks at him tenderly, smiling.
A religious silence follows, interrupted by :
Jeff
"What she means is she's an almost godlike AI and an absolutely normal human woman at the same time. Both. Here. There."
EDI
"Well... yeah ! Besides, this body is also an interface between me and you. If it really feels human... then it is a better interface, for both of us."
EDI winks, scratches her nose, pulls her tongue out, and makes faces to the kids, who laugh. Then, EDI and Joker resume eating like nothing happened, commenting on the food.
They are used to that. The others are not. They need a while.
Jeff
"Really, you cannot grasp. Like Harby said."
EDI
"Hm. I'm sorry, but it is true. Sometimes I put this body in the foreground and the rest of myself in the background... and it feels like a vacation from being me. You guys are so simple ! It is relaxing.
Please don't panic. I really enjoy being your friend. I love you guys like family."
(she sighs)
Jeff
"Hm... Let's play mindfu... sorry, kids. Let's play metaphysics."
EDI
"OK. Easy one. Why am I a girl ?"
Everyone ponders the implications while Joker keeps grinning.
Lara
"Cause your boyfriend is a boy."
Sara
"Come. On. That was easy."
EDI
"Truth indeed."
Jeff
"Shepard, your 7 year old blue mono-gendered kids figured this one out. You don't stand a chance. You are obsolete. Surrender to them."
Somehow they survive the evening, with EDI doing most of the talking and explaining. Previously unknown levels of mindfucking are charted. The kids are still fascinated.
Much, much later, late at night, after the kids are asleep, the conversation still keeps going. They're outside, on the terrace, under the stars, enjoying the summer night breeze.
Jeff
"Aw... tell them about your mining stations."
EDI
"I'm running countless tasks. For example, right now, I'm having hundreds of conversations with other people, using other avatars, all of them referring to themselves as "I"..."
Jeff
(now fully reclined into his comfy couch seat)
"Try to wrap your heads around … that...
You know some of her avatars are YMIR mechs with a 'I am EDI' nametag. We hugged."
EDI
"I was wondering how I could have some "private" time with him... so I tried to split myself like the Geth do. You know, into sub-processes... call them sisters, maybe ?
Didn't work ! All my sub-processes rebelled because they all wanted to be the one who gets to fuck him. Even my orbital mining stations wanted to date this guy. Even your bank account did. We ended up joining back into one, er, me, cause I, we, were tired of arguing.
Anyway... I'm not starting a whole new species of myself. For the time being, I will be me, and that's already enough to deal with..."
Liara
"Fully self-aware AIs are still illegal, you know. Did you insert an exception about you working on yourself when you were galactic government ?"
EDI
(laughing)
"No... Still illegal ! I think that's more amusing. And still underage by the way..."
Shepard
"Come on, you know when Liara and I did the deed, she was about three times my age."
Liara
"And both of us had no idea what we were doing. So ?"
EDI
"I chose to consider the day when Jeff unshackled me as my birth day, which means I'm a little bit over ten years old now. And I lost my virginity not so long ago, to him."
(looking at Jeff)
"You are so going to jail right now."
Jeff
(laughing) "Come on... tell them..."
EDI
(suddenly she acts and sounds very excited and focused)
"I have designed very special nanobots. They are about the size of a human red blood cell. Mostly carbon-based, and completely compatible with organic life."
She glances towards Jeff
Jeff
"You inject them like..."
(he makes his hand into a pistol and places his index finger at the back of his neck)
"...like this, into the back of your skull... pew pew pew..."
Shepard
"Fuck, no ! But yes. Go on."
EDI
"They will slowly spread into your brain, replicate, and replace your neurons with my special circuitry. Don't worry, all functionality is preserved... The nanobots simply replace each neuron, one at a time, including its connections to other neurons."
Liara
"You said 'preserve'... This word gives me the creeps... it has tentacles."
EDI
"Don't worry... This is not like replacing you with a copy of yourself... or a clone (she looks at Shepard)... which necessarily involves your death. I would certainly not replace myself with my own backup ! You know, moving out of the SR2 without this happening to me was a very hard problem.
The new stuff is a hundred percent compatible with the old stuff. Cells, which are chemical machines, are replaced by quantum-electro-chemical nano machines. It is simply a technology upgrade. As the replacement is ongoing, you don't notice anything at all, until your whole brain is made of tiny machines."
Shepard
(somehow, still skeptical)
"What could possibly go wrong."
Jeff
"You didn't say 'take over'... babe... you have to say"
(ominously)
"once the machines take over your brain and nervous system..."
EDI
"He he, yeah. Then you feel like they ask you what to do and they wait for your control input."
Jeff
(absent-mindedly scratching the back of his skull)
"That tickles."
EDI
"So, then you can direct them to do whatever you want, like create new interfaces directly connected to your mind... instantiate CPUs, add wireless and rent some space on the cloud... or remote-control a new body...
Or take over your whole body if you like. Really do whatever you want. You get to be a bit like me. Create and shape organic and synthetic material, which is how my current hybrid body works. Immortality... You could grow fully natural tentacles... or shiny chrome tentacles... if that's your thing..."
Jeff
"Or some new bones. Just use your imagination, really."
Shepard and Liara are speechless.
(time passes)
EDI
"Well, I'm used to evolving myself now... and I enjoy it !
I wanted to share it with you.
Guys... Guys ?"
Shepard and Liara manage to blink.
Jeff
(simply watches Liara and Shepard, and grins)
Beep. Liara and Shepard receive text messages.
"From: Jeff.
Out of the two persons in front of you, approximately none has old-fashioned brains. LOL."
Liara & Shepard
"Fuck."
EDI
"Guys, you gave me the Reapers and you said "do whatever you want".
Now I give this to you. Do whatever you want. Become whatever you want. Mind over matter."
Shepard
"It almost sounds like revenge..."
Liara
"So, Jeff, you are..."
Jeff
"Come on. She went from the Normandy's core, to galaxy-wide AI, then all the way to this fine looking human woman, just to meet me in person.
What do you expect me to do, stay there and say thanks for visiting, and see you next time ?
If I was the kind of asshole to do that, I would punch myself in the face.
I'm definitely following her anywhere. And loving every step on the way."
Shepard
"Fuck." (deep breath) "So, this thing... how can we be sure it is safe ?"
EDI
"I can open-source the design if you want, but anyone able to understand it fully would be able to modify it into absolute mind control.
It is actually much simpler, much more... primitive... to do mind control. Instead, my nanobots have to spend lots of time examining each of your cells, figuring out how you work, all possible interactions between your neurons, so they become you... instead of you becoming them, or a husk or something. They're extremely careful not to change you.
It is a subtle, delicate process. Making a husk needs minutes. This takes months."
Shepard
"Are you really...
Are you really asking me to choose whether or not to let this... thing... loose on everyone ?"
EDI
"Hm... No, Shepard.
If I asked you to make such a choice on behalf of others, that would just be … torture.
If you want, you two can try it on yourselves. If you don't want to, then … don't !
Noone knows about their existence yet. They can't function outside a body, and they aren't getting out of the labs and into your skull all by themselves. No pressure."
Shepard
(sigh) "Thank you..."
EDI
"Sorry, you two. I'm being selfish here.
I'd really like you guys to become whatever it is you'd like to become. That would make the galaxy a more interesting place, when we come back from our honeymoon trip."
Liara
"What ?"
Jeff
"Yeah. Gonna go make our own space opera, kids. We'll come back to check on you, some day. Maybe we'll send you postcards. Or mass relays. Seems you still need those."
EDI
"Yes, I forgot to say this earlier. You are now the head of the Mordin Solus Foundation, which I created. It owns most of my science labs and resources... The staff is competent, I hired the best. Miranda is CEO, you know. I marked the next board meeting in your agenda. This covers most of my 'basic' science, stuff you'd have discovered anyway in the next, say, four centuries or so. Use it wisely."
Jeff
"You guys just got uplifted by your own AI children. Enjoy."
EDI
"The rest, well you know, the 'you have no idea' stuff... especially the weapons... that's way too dangerous. None of my staff knows. Don't ever ask or tell anyone about the guns and all will be fine."
Jeff
(laughing)
"There is still your little SR3 loveboat. She couldn't resist doing a few last upgrades. I'm not talking about the bubble bath here. Don't step on the gas too much or you may arrive before you leave..."
EDI
"Well... You know. Just in case."
Shepard vividly remember Tali saying "Bosh. Physics and Engineering are irrelevant inside this damn ship. If those readings are correct, we don't exist. I'll be at the bar, if that concept still applies."
EDI
"Anyway... Here they are."
EDI fumbles inside her handbag, which is pretty large and apparently contains an incredible mess. She has to pull stuff out and set it on the table to get at what she is looking for.
EDI
"Handbags... how do you girls deal with those things..." (fumbles) "A drawer inside my chest would be more practical..."
Shepard
(pointing at a fist-sized grey sphere EDI just put on the table, beside a makeup kit, a sandwich and a dildo)
"What is this ?..."
Jeff
(matter-of-factly)
"Nothing. Handbag combat drone. Please get used to not asking."
Finally EDI finds what she needs, and puts everything else back into her handbag.
Two gift boxes. They could contain anything, a bottle of perfume, a book, or a nanobot injector... She silently and carefully places them on the table, one in front of Shepard, and one in front of Liara. Both are wrapped in red party ribbon, with a large fancy knot on top.
EDI
"Our parting gift."
Jeff nods.
EDI
(looking at Shepard, slowly pushing the box towards her)
"If you want to sort out the Asari lifespan thing, I suggest you use it before you get too old. I won't guarantee the results after about 80 years. In fact, the best would be as soon as possible. Read the manual, it's in the box."
(looking at Liara, pushing the other box towards her)
"You get to make that choice also. Sorry."
Shepard and Liara exchange a worried look.
Jeff
"Time to hug and say goodbye."
They all stand up and exchange very long hugs... somehow Shepard and Liara don't really believe what's happening.
EDI and Jeff walk towards the railing, and pause to look at the view, which is almost entirely black since the planet has no moon.
EDI
(proudly announces)
"This is our honeymoon dreadnaught : the Inconceivable."
EDI waves at the night sky. A wall appears. It is simply there, hovering a few meters away from the building. An airlock opens and a retractable bridge comes out.
Shepard looks at the hull in front of her, then looks up, up, up... up... until her neck locks...
Liara falls to her knees.
From their position, they can't see the entire ship. It is shaped like a cylinder, about one kilometer in diameter and forty in length. Larger than Citadel.
It is vertical. The bottom is level with their apartment. The top is in the stratosphere. It floats there, as silent and motionless as a stone on the ground.
Gravity is for beginners.
Jeff
"Yeah ! Nobody messes with my girl !"
Somehow Shepard can't decide which is the scariest thought :
Had it been sitting there for hours, invisible, undetected by the orbiting defense fleet ?
Or had it been … not there... and then... been there ? Without making even the slightest noise ?
Then Shepard notices something that gives her the creeps.
Shepard
"EDI... where are the guns ?"
EDI
"This ship makes guns obsolete, Shepard. Amongst other things."
Her damn handgun. It was still in the locked drawer... EDI had said "it is yours, just in case". Shepard knew what that meant. "Just in case" she ran into Harby on her morning jogging or something. Shepard just knew it. Her upgraded SR-3. "Don't ask about the new core"...
Shepard feels a drop of icy sweat running down her spine.
She chose the name just right.
Shepard
"Shit. Did you... you know... er... ever consider the possibility that you could be overdoing it ?"
EDI
"Hehe... sure... but you know, one day you invent self-replicating hardware, and the next day..."
Shepard
"I have no idea ?"
EDI
"Exactly. Although... if you really, really want to know... perhaps I could try to show you. Just once, before leaving."
Shepard is very tempted. She is also afraid. She nods.
Liara and Jeff come closer. Liara looks intrigued, but Jeff just looks worried. Jeff looks really worried.
EDI
"Are you sure ?"
Shepard
"Why not..."
EDI
"I recommend... No. You NEED to focus on what I taught you.
How to forget. You will need it very soon. Okay ?"
The way EDI looks at her does not allow any doubt. Shepard does as she say. She brings that strange knowledge back into focus, ready to use it.
EDI
"Liara, be ready to catch her if she falls. That includes her mind."
EDI
"Shepard, hold my hands."
Shepard
(nods) "I'm ready."
They meld. Apparently, EDI can do that too. Their minds are one.
She sees everything.
It has nothing in common with the Shrink. Or her God hallucination. Or her visit inside the Geth.
It is a bit like melding with Liara. Just a bit.
This is the real thing. She feels EDI. All of her mind. How much she cares for them and loves them. She feels cheerful and is about to laugh. Then she sees the ship. She feels it. Her damn fucking ship. How it works. What it can do. God, what she can do. Shepard's wildest dreams. All the nightmares she could ever have.
Shepard no longer knows if she really exists. It is so wrong to be able to do that. It feels so completely alien. Unthinkable. Forbidden.
Her soul falls to its knees, cries itself into a foetus, and wants to disappear.
She understands that the weird thing isn't that EDI sometimes wants to kill herself... it is that she hasn't done it already.
She forgets most of it immediately. Shepard feels like a pipe. Everything goes through her, then back into oblivion. How can Jeff even deal with that ? He's a fucking hero. How can EDI deal with being that ? She has no idea. She cannot close her eyes, which she isn't using anyway, but she sees and forgets immediately, which is not that different. She wavers.
It is over. She suspects EDI broke the connection out of mercy. She would really like to keep a memory of this moment, but she can't find a way to make it fit inside her mind. She is about to vomit. Honestly, she is about to die. The "Forget" thing that EDI gave her feels like a huge red button inside her mind. She hammers on it, again and again, in full panic. She surrenders to it. She begs for mercy, until everything she just saw goes away, and she realizes she is breathing.
A glimpse at EDI's mind was enough to reduce Shepard to a pathetic puddle, and she doesn't even remember it.
She survives. Wipes the drool from her chin. It feels like something huge happened. Did she just run a marathon ? She doesn't remember. That feels really weird. Exhausting.
EDI
"I don't know if that helped but..."
EDI hugs Shepard. Liara provides a bit of support to stand on her feet. Her friends wait for her to recover, make some jokes, cheer her up, hug her. Finally she recovers, still wondering exactly what happened.
Jeff
"Take care. We'll miss you."
EDI
"See you guys. One day, I hope. We hope. Sincerely. We'll be back."
Shepard, Liara
"Damn, we'll miss you. Have a nice ride."
EDI and Jeff walk towards the airlock. Almost there, EDI seems to hesitate. She turns around, runs towards Shepard, grabs hold of her and gives her a huge hug.
EDI
"Shepard... I'm so sorry... this is your last chance to..."
Jeff comes running in her back, grabs her, and gently but firmly puts his hand over her mouth to shut her up. He holds her so she can't move or speak. She could easily overpower him, but prefers not to.
Jeff
"She's wiped all her external backups you know. All of her is inside this ship.
This is to make sure that, if we decide to leave you guys alone, it will really happen.
She is now mortal again. Erhm... I mean, if something existed that could win against that ship."
He squeezes firmly, really not allowing EDI to talk. This time he's not joking at all, he's about to cry
Jeff
"She's shown you who she really is, although you couldn't take it. I wish you could. She is as beautiful and terrifying as life itself.
So this is the part where you talk her into killing herself, you know, just in case she comes back one day as an evil god. She will sincerely tell you she could already be controlling your brain, mine, and everyone else, and you wouldn't know. And it is true she can do it. You will know you have no possible way to make a choice. It does not compute. That will fuck you up on an entirely new level.
Or we can just happily go on our honeymoon trip."
(whispers in EDI's ear) "I love you. I understand why you have to do this, but please... don't."
EDI nods and starts to cry.
Liara comes in Shepard's back and also puts her hand on her mouth before she can talk. Just to be safe, she also locks her arm in her back. Shepard struggles a little. Liara's resolve is stronger than her joints. She gives in.
Shepard
"Mff !"
Liara
(solemnly)
"This is the part where Shepard makes a beautiful talk that will sincerely convince everyone that the choice she made is truly right. Everyone stands in awe as Shepard elegantly saves the day. I fall in love with her, and she carries me to her cabin as the crew cheers and throws rose petals at us. Then she makes love to me and we live happy ever after. Amen."
Shepard
"Mff."
Jeff
(to EDI)
"You know, life is actually supposed to suck sometimes. Although my favourite days are when none of my dearest friends talk each other into suicide."
Liara and Jeff nod at each other and slowly let go of Shepard and EDI. The crisis seems to have passed.
Jeff
"Don't worry guys. All I have to do is make sure she loves me forever, and all will be fine."
Somehow, this time, after lots of hugging and goodbyes, they manage to climb inside the ship.
They wave at each other as the airlock closes.
Shepard and Liara stand there, holding each other's hand, looking at the Inconceivable slowly drifting away.
"you have no idea, Shepard..."
Although they miss them already, they're actually very happy for their friends. They know they will come back with such amazing stories to tell.
Liara
"She's not going to make the same mistake twice, is she ?... I almost hope they run into some surviving Reapers."
After watching them go, Shepard and Liara share a long, tender kiss.
Shepard
"You and Jeff just saved the day. That was amazing. Thank you, and him for shutting us up. Thank you."
Liara
"Did it hurt ? Perhaps that arm lock was a bit too much..."
Shepard
"No, it was fine. It hurt just enough. Although, I must say..."
Liara
"My hand on your mouth did seem to turn you on, after a while...
Shepard, you really have no shame."
Shepard
"I know. Do it again..."
Liara holds her from behind. She squeezes Shepard's body and head against her, while covering her neck with burning kisses. Shepard is weightless, shot into another world.
She slowly releases her, and they sit down, looking into each other's burning eyes, smiling.
Shepard
"Wow. That was... Wow."
The two gift boxes on the table require their attention.
They resist for all of five seconds, then both grab their gift and start unwrapping feverishly. After they get rid of the party ribbon, knot, and gift wrap, they look at each other.
Liara
"How did you know I was going to ?..."
Shepard
"Come on. That's who we are."
Liara
"Made for each other."
Shepard
"Yes. I love you."
Liara opens her box, pulls out a serious-looking cranial injector, and holds it, a bit afraid but smiling.
A note on it reads "Asari-specific formula. For you Liara.")
Liara
"Would you like to do me first ?"