CHAPTER 8: Conflicted (Season 4, episode 20)

Character(s): Reid, Amanda

A/N: Spoilers regarding Amanda and Adam. The conversation snippets between Reid and Amanda in the middle of the story, as well as the quote from Morgan at the beginning, are courtesy of the episode's writer, Rick Dunkle. References to specific unsubs from the episodes "Elephant's Memory", "Revelations", and "Sex, Birth, Death" as well.

As for other things, the beginning with Reid heading to see Amanda? Total guesswork on my part as to how he got there, obviously. Also, there will be a switch in viewpoint halfway through the story, too, but I've made sure to divide the two viewpoints with a line break, so it shouldn't be confusing to any readers here (hopefully).

"There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot." - Plato

"Kid. You're gonna have to accept the fact that sometimes we can't save everyone."

"Shut up, Morgan," I muttered, gripping the steering wheel. I took a quick glance down at the piece of paper again, making sure the address was right, before turning my attention back to the road.

Morgan's voice refused to leave my head, though. "We can't save everyone." That sentence was now on my list of phrases and questions I had grown tired of hearing over the years (other examples being, "How old are you?" "Can you really read that fast?" "Are you sure about this?" "Why do you know that?").

Couldn't save Adam. Shouldn't have "kept score", as Hotch had put it, with Owen Savage. Don't feel so guilty about Tobias Hankel. I could trace variations on Morgan's statement as far back as Nathan Harris. He and Garcia had both commented on my behavior on that case. They'd told me to ease up, that it wasn't my job to look out for Nathan.

Whose job is it, then? What's the point of any of this, if not to try and help people? Adam – or rather, Amanda – had held a knife to her own throat. In the blink of an eye Adam seemed to disappear altogether. Maybe if he had found another way to hide, even, I could accept it more easily. But this…

I told Adam at one point that I'd seen a lot of bad things. Clearly he had seen his share, too. And just as I'd needed help to deal with my problems, Adam needed help for his. He deserved another chance.

I slowed my speed as I finally came upon a tall, grey building. One more glance at the paper. This was the place.

Once inside, I was ushered to a small room, where I met Dr. Roberts. She set up for the interview, camera at the ready, the lighting darkened, probably to protect Amanda's identity.

Soon, Amanda entered, sat down, began talking. I waited quietly in a corner for a few moments, listening to her speak to Dr. Roberts. She was so focused on the psychiatrist, I almost wondered if she'd forgotten I was visiting.

"And I think the better question would be, what are you looking for…Dr. Reid?"

Apparently not.

Puff. The cigarette smoke lingered near my nose. It smelled wonderful. I felt relaxed already.

"I think you know what I'm looking for." His voice was controlled, quiet. I took a drag on my cigarette. Getting right to the point, I see.

It was sorta funny the way he appeared from the shadows. Almost seemed like something straight out of one of them old detective movies. I squinted, gave Dr. Reid a once over as he stepped into view. Tall, thin…"lanky", as they'd say. Long, scraggly hair. Oddly big mouth. Hard to picture someone like him in the FBI.

I wasn't going to let him in so easy. Had to make him tell me what he wanted.

"I am looking for Adam," Dr. Reid said slowly.

It was going to be a long evening.

I knew Adam's story so well I could recite it in my sleep. Didn't take his mother's death well, no. Breezed through the talk about his father's abuse, about the blackouts (puff, puff..). Yes, Adam was horrified by the murders. Puff, puff, puff…

And no, I don't feel guilty about anything that happened in the past week. Adam's father deserved what he got. So did those men. And Julie? She was getting in the way. Such a nosy girl.

I could see why Adam was willing to talk to this strange young man, though. Something about his eyes. They were dark, penetrating…but trusting. Such intense focus, too - actually seemed to listen to what I had to say. Didn't yell or interrupt. Just let me tell my story, occasionally jumping in with a question.

Puff...

Eventually, it was all over. For today, anyway. Dr. Reid was going to come back and talk to me some more, apparently. Had anyone else promised such a thing I would've laughed, but he seemed to mean it. He said he'd keep coming back until he "found Adam". Didn't seem fazed when I told him it'd be a long wait.

One last look at those eyes. I couldn't help but feel a little bad for the doctor. He looked a bit sad, frustrated. Still determined, though. How silly. I knew he wasn't that smart.

Adam wasn't coming back. He needed to stay safe. I had to keep him safe. Sooner or later, Dr. Reid would truly understand that.

I had to admit, though…it was kinda nice knowing someone else cared about him.

"Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him." - Albert Schweitzer

As always, appreciate reviews/criticism, etc.!