CHAPTER 20: Hopeless (Season 5, episode 4)
Character(s): Hotch, Morgan, Garcia
A/N: Again, usual spoilers about the case and certain people/aspects of it. Italicized quotes at the beginning of each section, as well as all other quoted lines, are courtesy of the episode's writer, Chris Mundy.
"One should…be able to see things as hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise." - F. Scott Fitzgerald
"This level of brutality is almost like a challenge from the unsubs, trying to drag everyone down to their level. And it's a natural reaction." - Hotch
Hotch needed to walk away.
He'd already seen more than enough violence the last few days while on this case. He wasn't about to watch death play out before his eyes once again.
There was no question just how despicable these criminals in their latest case were. He saw the effects of their violence, their sadism up close and personal. They didn't mess around. And their "reason" as to why they did what they did? Pretty fucking pathetic.
He would fully understand the people whose loved ones died at these sickos' hands standing outside this house with guns drawn. The local cops and families affected by these crimes didn't know it, but Hotch could relate to their vigilante attitudes far too deeply. He was, after all, still dealing with the menacing black cloud over his head that was Foyet, as well as the loss of his family, and the uncertainty as to when he'd see them again.
There were days when the silence of his home was just too much for him. When he'd see videos of his son going through all the big moments of childhood, moments he was missing out on. When he'd think about Haley, and how his job, his narrow focus, his obsession with catching the bad guys, had ruined their relationship and put her in actual danger. Those were the days he wanted his own vigilante justice. He'd lost count of all the fantasies he had about destroying Foyet, taking him down so fast and so hard that the bastard wouldn't even know what hit him.
But Hotch also believed in proper justice. He'd been a prosecutor. He knew the legal system wasn't perfect. Far from it, actually.
However, when a case did turn out okay - when they got their guy, and he was taken from the courtroom to where he'd serve out his sentence – Hotch relished knowing the system had worked. He loved knowing that they managed to get a criminal off the streets without further pain and bloodshed. Moments like that were perfect reminders as to why he loved his job.
It was no secret he hadn't been feeling that sort of contentment in his current line of work lately. Part of it was obviously due to the whole thing with Foyet. Hotch tried desperately to learn to accept and deal with his current situation, God knows he tried. First and foremost, for his team's sake. It was pretty obvious that he'd scared them recently with all his outbursts and reckless behavior – hell, he'd scared himself. He knew full well he didn't want to put them through any of that again.
And suppose Haley got wind of his recent behavior? She might not want to bring Jack back, even if the threat surrounding Foyet passed without further incident. No, Hotch needed to stay sane, safe, controlled, for everyone's sake.
Secondly, Detective Andrews may have been a gruff, impatient, irritating man at times, but strangely, Hotch appreciated having to deal with him during this case. Their talks threw everything into sharp focus for him. Yes, revenge could be satisfying…but only for a brief moment. It wouldn't solve your problem, it would make certain people lose respect for you, and worst of all, it would consume you, to the point where you can't function in everyday life. And lord knows Hotch already had enough tragic images stuck, permanently so, it seemed, in his brain.
That was the other reason he hated coming to work lately. It seemed like nobody could catch a break nowadays, if the team's recent line of cases were anything to go by. As if the world had gone absolutely batshit insane.
The pig farm in Canada had been a particularly nasty doozy. That case wore everybody down in a way Hotch hadn't seen before, and it frightened him. Had the events in his apartment not happened, he almost expected resignations on his desk the next day at work.
Then of course, there was the anthrax scare. The "road warrior", who'd not only murdered innocent civilians – no, he had to take out his entire family as well. Hell, Hotch could trace his current feelings as back as far as the bombings in New York. He still had days where he'd hear that sudden high-pitched whine in his ears, he still had a couple scars on him that hadn't fully healed, he still felt immense guilt over losing Kate. To say nothing of the fact that the tension between him and Morgan seemed to rear its ugly head off and on.
It was a never-ending pile of shit, it seemed, and all of it had taken a lot out of him, out of his teammates. Worst of all, in some of those cases, the criminals never saw the proper justice they deserved. Some criminals took the coward's way out, killing themselves. Families didn't always get the closure they deserved.
The whole situation was frustrating at best, soul-crushing at worst.
Which was why a certain idea had started to form in Hotch's mind in the last few weeks. Maybe he should step down from his job. Not permanently, of course. Perish the thought. He knew, despite all the insanity of the last year or so, he wouldn't be able to handle a quieter, more uneventful job. He knew he'd long to come back eventually.
No, it'd only be for a little while. Until they caught Foyet. Until his family came back, and he felt safe with them, and they with him. He could take the time to clear his mind, focus properly on the internal drama he was dealing with, and maybe be able to solve all of this madness a bit more quickly. Despite his issues with Morgan, Hotch knew full well that the guy was a natural born leader. He'd meant it in New York when he said he trusted Morgan. Perhaps now was the time for him to prove that to the man, and for Morgan to prove himself as well, the way Hotch knew he would.
Yes. The more he thought about it, the more he felt this was what he had to do. He would therefore see to it he could talk to Morgan about the idea as soon as possible.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that the first break in this case, you don't run right to her and give her the news yourself." - Garcia
Garcia needed to walk away.
That became apparent when she saw Morgan's empty chair, and all she could think to do was shake her head.
Garcia had always been accused of being a bit nosy ("a bit". Ha!). She didn't mean to be…not really, anyway. It's just that she loved her team. They weren't just her team, they were her friends, her family, cheesy as that might've sounded. She cared about what happened to all of them. What others called "nosy", she called "looking out for", and that's what she did with her friends.
Which was why watching Morgan and Tamara dance around each other bugged her to no end.
Contrary to what many people would think, her feelings towards Tamara weren't borne out of jealousy. She'd been aware of the rumors and whispers she'd heard about herself and Morgan over the years. They were together, or wanted to be together, they were "friends with benefits", etc.
To be fair, Garcia could see where they might think such things. Indeed, all her comments about Morgan's attractivness were just her speaking the truth. She was only emphasizing what should be blatantly obvious to anyone with working eyes, after all. She also did love him dearly. That was definitely no lie. And she also knew that all the things he said about her – being his "God-given solace", his "baby girl" – were sincere.
But they played up the flirty aspect of their friendship. It was fun, it was silly, it was something to lighten their moods when things got way too serious and dark at their job. The bottom line was, she was perfectly happy and madly in love with Kevin, and Morgan was happy to continue checking out the variety of sexy women out there, and that was that.
No, instead, there was a whole list of legitimate, much more serious reasons the whole situation with Tamara bothered her, most of which she'd already given Morgan when she tried to talk to him. The ethical issue was a big one. Courts don't take too kindly to bias, to conflict of interest. They just want the facts and nothing else. Unfortunately, the deeper things might get between Tamara and Morgan, the blurrier that situation would become. Morgan knew that, and yet he didn't seem to care. Garcia almost wanted to laugh when he tried to deny he was "involved".
"The team is here working on a case and you're with her. You're involved," she'd told him. He brushed it off anyway.
Ultimately, that issue wouldn't matter in the end, because the unsubs had died in a shootout. But still, it was something Morgan might want to think about for the future.
Besides, there was still one other big issue looming. Tamara was a good woman. A pretty woman. Hanging around a good man. A handsome man. It didn't take a genius to figure out what that would lead to. Garcia knew she'd eventually fall for Morgan, if she wasn't already. She also knew Tamara was hurting, and badly at that.
Therefore, Morgan couldn't be the person for her.
Not because he wouldn't try, heavens, no. Rather, because Garcia saw what this job did to the men's relationships. Hotch couldn't be there for Haley at the times she needed him. He even had a hard time always being there for his son. Rossi had been through three marriages, in part because of his job (his wandering eye also factored in, but that's a whole other story). Morgan was similar to them in many ways – tough, strong male, not nearly as big a workaholic as the others, but he still kept crazy hours. He was very devoted to his job. He'd already gotten a promotional offer in New York City, and with his abilities, he could easily get more.
Plus, even if he tried to settle down right now, he wouldn't do very well at it, and Garcia knew Tamara wasn't the girl to tame him.
None of this explained why Garcia and JJ's relationships seemed to be flourishing in comparison to the men of the group, of course. Maybe it was a gender thing, maybe it was just dumb luck – after all, Garcia and Kevin had only been together a little over a year. She shouldn't quite count her lucky stars just yet.
But for whatever reason, the men of the BAU seemed to have difficulty with their relationships, either in continuing them or starting them in the first place. Many a broken heart followed them. She knew Tamara would join those ranks, and she also knew that Morgan would move on, but he'd still feel some level of guilt for ending things with Tamara that way.
"She's so sad, and so confused, and angry and desperately looking for anyone to swoop in and make it all better. And unless you're all in and can be there for every stage of the grieving process, you're just another reason for her to not trust the world."
Garcia had hoped that explanation would be enough for Morgan. She hoped it would make him see why it would be a very, very bad idea to continue things with Tamara.
Yet the case was over, and his chair was empty.
She'd given him solid, rational advice, as his longtime friend and confidante. He knew full well she wasn't doing it to be mean or cruel. And he'd ignored her anyway. Dismissed her. Garcia knew she wouldn't be able to deal well with more of that, nor with watching him break a perfectly sweet and lovely girl's heart.
No, it was best to simply move on, and avoid all of that potential heartache.
"I'm sorry. I know that sounds like something people say, but…I truly am sorry." - Morgan
Morgan couldn't walk away.
He had to keep a closer eye on Hotch. He was making no bones about the fact that he was genuinely scared for his boss. The guy's decisions were feeling more and more "off" lately. He'd nearly taken practically everyone's heads off at some point in Louisville. And now he was deciding to walk away, just when they were so close to finally getting the scumbags they'd been dealing with on this last case.
Morgan understood Hotch feeling lost what with Foyet still out there, and with his family gone. He really did. And he felt absolutely horrible for the poor man.
But the situation was clearly, and obviously, starting to noticeably weigh on Hotch. He appeared to have aged at least ten years seemingly overnight. His face, which everyone used to jokingly call "grim", now actually looked every inch of the description of that word. Ominous. Foreboding. Hopeless.
There were deep bags under his eyes. It was becoming increasingly apparent to Morgan that mentally and physically, all of this would kill Hotch if he didn't take some time to get himself together, and soon. He knew that hell would probably freeze over first before Hotch ever even considered the idea of stepping down, however.
All the more ironic, then, that despite wanting Hotch to take a break, Morgan was also completely sympathetic to his rage, and longed for him to show more of it. Lord knows he'd been feeling absolutely disgusted throughout the recent case. Innocent people were dying, and what was the motive one of the criminals gave him? They liked what they were doing. They wanted to kill people. Just for the hell of it.
He really hoped the families wouldn't ever have to hear that sorry excuse for a reason. As he stood with the cops earlier that night, all of whom had their guns drawn, all of whom were ready to open fire on the house that held the remaining creeps, he was seriously considering making absolutely certain they never would.
It definitely wasn't what he told Tamara when he came to her house later that evening, after all.
"I just wanted to come by and let you know that it was over. We got 'em."
Her head dropped, her body shook with a mixture of sobs and relief, and Morgan knew he'd made the right choice. He wanted to put his arms around her, to hold her and comfort her, but Garcia's voice wouldn't stop echoing in his head. He could only imagine what she'd have to say about this moment.
Though, really, then again, what business was it of hers, anyway? And why did he care so much what she had to say about this? After all, didn't he once reassure Reid when the kid had gotten personally involved with a girl he was looking out for on a case? Didn't he tell him that it wasn't something to beat himself up over?
He still firmly believed that. He wasn't doing anything wrong here. Sure, Tamara was attractive, he couldn't deny that – in any other instance, he would've asked her out by now. But you can't help who you're attracted to. Besides, he would've been bending over backwards to help and see to it justice was served no matter what the victim looked like.
Wouldn't he?
Of course he would. He simply wanted to know Tamara was okay. He wanted to be sure she could find the comfort and reassurance she was looking for. To tell her she could grieve and move on at her own pace.
Yes. That was the only reason.
"The second you think a situation is hopeless, it suddenly loses all meaning. A situation is just a case, condition, or state of affairs. It only becomes hopeless when you need to define an explanation." - Benson Bruno
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